by Nikki Ashton
“I know you believe that, Amy, and you’re right, he is trying, but you have to see it from my point of view. He hasn’t always wanted to be Frankie’s dad, don’t forget.”
Amy let out a long sigh, pushed her glass away and placed her palms face down on the table. She closed her eyes for a few seconds and when she opened them I saw pain and regret in them.
“You know about me and Elijah, what happened all those years ago?”
I nodded.
“And I’m guessing you know that I’d lost a baby a few months before.”
Again I nodded.
“Well you know that when I left, Sam had to deal with all that pain that Elijah was feeling. Elijah told me that Sam was the one who held him together, the one who made sure he didn’t go under and drown in the grief of losing not only the baby but me too. Then you told him you were pregnant.”
“Yes, I understand all that but-.”
“Yeah, I know you do and I’m guessing you also know what he went through with that sick woman who was his swimming coach.” She glanced at the door and then leaned closer. “You know what she put him through, making him believe he was going to be a dad. Even though it had happened years before, I don’t think he ever dealt with it because he never told anyone about it. He only told Eli a couple of weeks ago, so all of that was still inside him when you told him about Frankie. He had seen what losing a child had done to his brother and how our split broke him even more, so I just think it was all too much for Sam. I’m not making excuses for him Maisie, but I do think you need to take it all into consideration.”
She was right, Sam had been through a lot, but being a single parent hadn’t exactly been plain sailing. To experience it all must have been hard for him though and I wasn’t totally heartless.
“I do feel for him,” I whispered. “I just need to be sure for Frankie’s sake.”
Amy nodded and squeezed my hand. “I know.”
“Mum, Mum.”
Frankie suddenly came charging through the patio doors, shouting excitedly.
“Hey, where’s the fire?” I asked, grinning at the sight of his sweaty, happy face.
“Can I stay over at Uncle Elijah’s and Auntie Amy’s one night please? Uncle Elijah said I could. He’s got all the Only Fools & Horses DVDs. Dad said I had to ask you,” he said breathlessly.
He looked so happy and it was all to do with having a dad and an uncle who he could look up to. He loved my dad, but he wasn’t cool like Sam and Elijah and he certainly didn’t like Northern Soul music or Only Fools & Horses. Plus, there was the small matter of his cute little cousin who he had instantly fallen in love with.
“As long as it’s okay with Auntie Amy too.”
I looked at Amy who was gazing at Frankie lovingly.
“Of course you can.”
“Aces,” Frankie cried. “That’s what Uncle Elijah said.” He flung his arms around me and kissed my cheek. “I’m so glad we’re in this family, Mum.”
“You are?” I asked, a huge lump in my throat making it almost impossible to speak.
“Yeah. It’s cool.”
I had no words that would be enough to express how happy I was for my baby boy. He had what he’d always wanted and even though it was probably stupid to do so, I couldn’t help but hope for more.
Sam
the present
“Right,” I said crouching down in front of Frankie. “You know the plan?”
“Yes, Dad,” he sighed and rolled his eyes. “I tell Mum that I want you both to take me on a picnic, but when it’s time to go, Uncle Elijah will ring you and ask if I can go and play with Bella. I say I want to go and you’ll say you’ll drop me off on the way to the picnic as it will be a shame to waste the food that you bought. Food you bought because you didn’t want Mum to have to spend time doing it.”
I straightened up and ruffled his hair. “Okay, you cheeky little devil.”
I glanced over his shoulder to see Maisie’s car pull up on the driveway, back from having to show someone around a house that was for sale. “Right, she’s here. Let’s do this.”
I held my hand up to high five Frankie, but once more got the eye roll and no high five. Obviously I was not the cool dad I seemed to think I was.
“Hi Mummy,” Frankie cried as Maisie walked through the door. He ran to her and wrapped his arms around her waist. “Can we go on a picnic this afternoon? Me and Daddy went to the supermarket and bought some food so you don’t have to do anything.”
God – this kid was good, rolling out the ‘mummy’ and ‘daddy’ card, sounding all sweet when he wanted something.
“Is that okay?” I asked. “He didn’t stop going on about it for an hour, so I kind of said we would and then thought you wouldn’t mind if you didn’t have to do anything, hence the trip to the supermarket.”
“And hello to both of you too,” Maisie said with a grin.
“Sorry.” It was my turn to roll my eyes. “Hi, Maisie.”
She laughed and turned to Frankie. “Okay, so tell me about this picnic.”
“We’re going to go to a lake and Daddy has made sandwiches and bought strawberries and cheese cake and he got you some of that pink wine you like.”
“You have?” Maisie asked, tilting her head to one side.
I nodded. “Yep. I saw the bottle that’s almost finished in the fridge. I got picnic eggs too.”
I was pretty proud of myself having rifled through the fridge and some wrappers in the kitchen waste bin. Frankie had given me some tips too on what she did and didn’t like, hence the absence of sausage rolls; apparently she hated them.
“And what about you?” Maisie asked him, holding his chin up with a thumb and forefinger. “What did your dad get for you? Let me guess, chocolate rolls, chocolate biscuits, and cheese triangles.”
I looked at Frankie, wondering whether he’d give the game away, but like a true Cooper he kept his cool.
“Only cheese triangles, oh and strawberry milk, because I had a piece of chocolate cake in the supermarket café and he said I’d had enough chocolate for one day.”
Maisie’s amused gaze turned to me. “Really?”
“Yeah,” I replied, trying to seem nonchalant about it. “It was a huge piece.”
I almost pumped the fucking air when she looked at me with pride. I just hoped she never found out I’d let him have two pieces and a hot chocolate.
“You’re getting quite good at this daddy thing,” she whispered as she moved past me to the sofa where she flopped down and kicked off her shoes.
As she sank back into the cushions, I couldn’t help but remember her sitting on the edge of the seat with her legs open for me. She’d been as desperate for me as I was for her and her moans when she came were the sexiest sound I’d ever heard. Thinking about being inside her that night made my dick jerk and my jeans started to feel a little tight.
“I’ll get you a cuppa,” I said clearing my throat and sneakily readjusting myself. “We’ll go in about half an hour. You okay with that?”
She looked at Frankie and smiled. “Yes, no problem. Looking forward to it.”
As I left the lounge, Frankie gave me a secretive smile and all I had to do then was text my brother when it was time for his call.
“We could have postponed until Frankie could come,” Maisie said glancing across at me.
“Seems as shame to waste the food.” I looked back to the road, not wanting her to see the lies in my eyes. She was pretty astute and a mother of an eight year old, so I was pretty sure she could spot bullshit when she needed to. I was feeling pretty lucky that we’d got away with it so far, although Elijah had pulled a blinder calling me via my hands free in the car. Maisie had heard every word of his convincing pleading for Frankie to go over there; even Bella had come on the line shouting for Frankie. I had to admit though the Cooper’s had been a great team, my son included.
“I guess so.”
She fidgeted in her seat and twisted her hands in front of her.
“You okay?” I asked, glancing at her.
“Hmm fine.”
She didn’t sound fine, her tone was unsure and I worried whether I’d totally cocked up. Maybe she wasn’t ready for us to spend time alone.
“I can take you back home, or we can go back to Elijah’s if you like.”
There was no fucking way I wanted to do either of those things, but I certainly didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable.
I held my breath, my eyes pinned to the road, as I waited for her to answer. When she did I let out a quiet breath of relief.
“No, it’ll be nice to be able to relax a little.”
“You sure?”
“Yes,” she replied, sounding much more positive. “The last couple of weeks have been a bit manic with one thing after another.”
As we pulled up at a red traffic light, I took the opportunity to look at her. She’d relaxed back into the seat a little more, but her fingers were still twisted around each other.
“I know it’s all been a bit much,” I said. “But, we’re getting into a routine and Frankie seems to have adjusted pretty well to it all.”
Big brown eyes stared out from under thick lashes and studied me. “I’m scared, Sam.”
Her words hit me hard and I jumped in my seat when the car behind beeped its horn – the lights had turned to green. I moved off and then immediately pulled up on the side of the road.
“I scare you?”
She closed her eyes and nodded. “Yes,” she breathed out.
“Maisie, look at me,” I pleaded. “And tell me why.”
Her eyes opened slowly and she looked up at me. “Being alone with you scares me,” she admitted.
I frowned and turned in my seat. “Maisie we’ve been alone with each other plenty of times. We had sex.”
Colour spread up her neck and her fingers started fidgeting again.
“You don’t want me to remind you that we had sex?” I asked.
“No, it’s not that, it’s…I don’t know.”
She placed a palm against her throat and as she swallowed, all I could think of was her swallowing my cum after giving me a blow job. Okay, it wasn’t the most appropriate moment, but it was getting that I was becoming more and more obsessed with her and the thought of us having a relationship; not to mention the idea of taking that perfect pussy of hers again.
“Then what is it, Maisie?”
I leaned closer and took the hand that was placed on her throat and pulled her to me so that we were inches apart.
“You know what I want, I haven’t hidden it from you. You have absolutely nothing to be scared of because I know exactly what’s at stake if I cock anything up. I know I have this one chance with Frankie and maybe I have no chance with you, but I need you to know I’m willing to work so fucking hard to make you understand how much I want it all – I want to be a damn good dad to Frankie, the best I can be, but I want you too. I don’t want you just to make it easier for me to be Frankie’s father, I want you because I care about you. You’re amazing. You’re strong and brave, you’re a brilliant mother and you don’t need anyone. Everything about you makes me feel like an inadequate dick, that I don’t deserve someone like you, but you also make me want to change. I want to deserve you because I fucking want you so badly I feel like I’m turning into an addict.”
Maisie’s mouth dropped open in shock and my own almost mimicked hers, because I hadn’t realised that was how I was feeling, but I was. I knew she was all the things I’d said, but I hadn’t realised how fucking much I loved those things; not until the words were spewing from my mouth and my heart was beating hard in agreement. I really wanted her and if I was truthful it was her beauty that had started the desire, the sex that had created the need and the way her body reacted to mine that had built the want; all of that plus her strength and determination had got me hooked to the point where the necessity for a daily fix had crept up on me.
“And if you change your mind?” she asked, her voice tiny and quiet. “What then?”
“I can’t tell you the future Maisie, because I don’t have a crystal ball. I have no way of knowing what might happen between us, but what I do know is at this moment I know I want us and I want the opportunity to make us into something that could last a lifetime. I’m not going to promise you things that neither of us can be sure of, all I can promise you is I’ll do my fucking best to be the best partner that I can be. Me being a good dad isn’t dependent on that, so if we don’t work out then we find a way to make the situation work. If that means Frankie has two parents that love him but aren’t together, then that’s what will happen. Plenty of families in the same situation make it work. If it does go that way then our son will cope because he’s an amazing, clever kid who is so much like his mum there’s no chance he won’t be able to deal.”
Pulling her even closer to me, I dropped a soft kiss on her lips, breathing her in at the same time and relishing in the smell of the delicate, fresh perfume that she always wore.
“So, do you want me to take you back?” I asked, my eyes begging her to say no.
She watched me carefully and then after a few seconds, hesitantly shook her head.
“No,” she whispered. “Let’s go and have a picnic.”
I kissed her once more and then started the engine and drove away.
Maisie
the present
The afternoon sun cast long shadows over the ground, and created sparkles of light which skimmed across the lake. The trees around the edge reflected back into the water as a few ducks swam along, diving intermittently for food. It was beautiful, like a scene from a nature book, and I couldn’t help but pull out my phone and snap a picture.
“This place is gorgeous,” I called over my shoulder to Sam. “I had no idea it was even here.”
“I only know about it because a guy I know works for the RSPB and often releases ducks here if they’ve been injured and taken into the rescue centre where he’s based. You’re not even allowed to fish here and you can’t get all the way around, so no one comes here with dogs or to go walking.”
I looked around the space and could see that to the right was a picnic table and a small grassy bank, but beyond that were dense trees and bushes. The other side was pretty much the same, except there was no picnic table but a slightly overgrown forest path.
“I wonder where that leads to.”
Sam shrugged. “No idea, but we can check it out after lunch.”
I looked down at the rolled blanket under his arm and the cool box and large shopping bag that he’d carried from the car where we parked in a layby about a quarter of a mile down the road. That was how secluded the place was, you couldn’t even park close by.
“I could have carried some of that.” I held out a hand to take one of the bags, but Sam shook his head.
“Nope, you’re relaxing today and I can manage, they’re not heavy.”
I followed him to the grassy bank and waited while he put the bags down and spread out the blanket.
“I’m not sure how clean that table is,” Sam said as he took out all the food. “And it looks like it might collapse under the weight of a sandwich.”
I had to agree, it was a bit rickety and covered in all kinds of mess and green moss.
“No, you’re right. I think we’re better sticking to a blanket that we know where it’s been. You do know, don’t you?”
Sam grinned at me. “Yes, I only bought it this morning, so it’s perfectly clean.”
“It’s not one you have in the back of your car then, you know, just in case you break down when you’re giving a girlfriend a lift home.”
I was smiling because it was a joke, but Sam’s expression was dead-pan.
“No, Maisie, that’s not my style and even if it was there’d be no way I’d use a blanket I’d had a quick, meaningless fuck on for you.”
“What for a picnic or a quick, meaningless fuck?” I asked, the words out of my mouth before I even had chance
to tell myself to shut up.
“There’s nothing quick and meaningless about how I feel about you,” he replied, reaching up to brush my hair over my shoulder. “I thought we’d already established that.”
His fingers lingered on the sensitive skin on my neck, and as quickly as I drew in a lustful breath, he’d turned away and gone back to arranging the food. I watched him carefully, drinking in his taught muscles and handsome profile, quenching my thirst on the beauty of him. He was a gorgeous man, of that there was no doubt, but I’d had a relationship without the desire, with a man who I loved because he was supportive, and I’d had tried being with Sam simply for the incredible sex, but neither had satisfied me. I wanted the desire and the mind blowing sex, but I wanted someone to be a partner too, like Josh had been in the first couple of years before he changed. I wanted someone who would help me with life, to help me make decisions. I didn’t want to be strong all the time, I needed someone to share things with. I wanted it all and I was sure I wanted it with Sam, which scared the shit out of me still, despite his words in the car earlier.
“Okay, take a seat.” Sam waved a hand toward the blanket. “Let’s eat.”
“Okay next question,” Sam said as we lay back on the blanket, looking up at the clear sky. “How old was he when he first asked about his dad?”
Sam wanted to know more about Frankie and the years he’d missed and I’d been answering his questions for almost an hour. He’d asked all sorts of things, wanting to know Frankie’s first words, his favourite food and even what he’d worn on his first day at school. While I’d answered, I’d tried to make a mental note of all he asked, thinking I’d put a photograph album together of as many of those occasions as I could.
“He was just five,” I replied. “The kids at school had been talking about their dads and he came home that night and asked me. Josh had moved in, but Frankie knew he wasn’t his dad, so he asked where his was.”
