by Robin Roseau
"You don't have to list anything. I don't want to do anything like that, anyway. I know what you mean."
"No sharing me, either. You gave me permission to talk to my friend. I'm going to talk to her, but no one else. If you have someone you want to talk to about me, I guess that's fair, but you only get one, and it better never come back to haunt me."
"There's no one I'm going to talk to about you, Astrid."
"So you won't tell anyone about your hot babe girlfriend?"
She laughed. "On that, I don't know, but that's about the extent of any details they're going to get. What happens behind closed doors is for us and only us."
"All right. For now, we go slowly on the rest. For now, you don't do anything to me we haven't discussed. And... I've heard about safe words. I have a phrase. I'm serious. If I say I'm serious, that's my safe word, and you better listen."
"I will."
"I probably can't give you more than about three evenings a week during the school year, and maybe not that much when I have a paper or finals are coming. But if we're going to be exclusive-"
"I'll take care of you, Astrid," she said then delivered another kiss to the back of my head.
"School comes first," I said. "I'm doing all this for school."
"I understand completely."
I grew quiet. Cassidy continued to stroke my hair, changing the touches to include my arm or massaging the base of my skull.
"Should I feel selfish letting you do this?"
"No."
"It feels good," I said. "I don't know what time it is. If I'm not careful, I'm going to fall asleep."
"Would that be so bad?" she asked. "It's coming up on 1 AM."
"No, it wouldn't be bad, but I think it's a bad idea to spend the night. Not that you offered, but still."
She offered a little laugh. "You're always welcome to stay, but I'll never pressure."
"Thank you," I said. I rolled onto my back and looked up at her. I was going to get up, but she pressed me into place.
"I want to talk a little bit longer, Astrid. Please."
I nodded. "Just a little," I said. "I have to study tomorrow, and I don't want to be a sleepless wreck."
"Close your eyes," she ordered, and I obeyed. A moment later, she returned to delicately caressing me, this time my face. It felt as nice as everything else she'd been doing since we came back upstairs.
"Did you hate it?" she asked. The words were said so quietly I had to think about it before I realized what she asked.
"No," I replied. I opened my eyes to look up at her. "I know you're worried I'm only letting you do it for the money. I have no intention of letting you do anything to me I hate. The only part I didn't like was not being absolutely sure I can trust you."
"That will take time. Now I told you to close your eyes."
I smiled briefly and obeyed. "I don't really understand," I admitted. "I should have hated it, right?"
"It's complicated, isn't it?"
"Yeah. I'm nervous about the rest."
"I know."
I smiled again. "But if you're going to treat me like this afterwards..." I trailed off.
"Count on it," she said. "You're probably feeling a little needy."
"I think I'm feeling a lot needy."
She laughed lightly. "That's part of the goal, Astrid. Everything you're feeling now is intentional. I knew if you didn't run the moment I released you, that this is how you'd feel."
"Oh. All right then."
"I want to take you to dinner tomorrow night."
I thought for a minute. "No," I said. "Sunday nights are early nights for me. I have class early on Monday."
"Just dinner."
"If you want, you could take me to lunch, but you only get me for two hours, doorstep to doorstep. Which means you can't bring me back here for another tickle session. We could have dinner Monday or Wednesday, and I'd have more time."
"Lunch tomorrow," she said. "And dinner Wednesday. I'll look at my schedule about next weekend."
I smiled. "I'd like that, Cassidy." I reached up and caressed her face. "I should get dressed."
"One more minute," she said. She brushed my eyes and I closed them. Then she bent over, and I tilted my head to receive a kiss.
It was a nice kiss, and I decided I could definitely handle kissing her. She was clearly practiced, and she left me panting a little before releasing my lips.
"That was nice," I said. I opened my eyes, and then felt a rush of emotions I couldn't fully describe or even understand, But I threw my arms around her and lifted myself so I was hugging her while still stretched across her. She wrapped arms around me, and we held tightly for a minute or so.
* * * *
Later, in bed back at the dorm, I lay awake, staring at the ceiling. It had been a strange night. A part of me couldn't believe what I'd let her do. A big part of me was still catching up to the decisions I'd made.
I was a sugar baby. Women -- well, now just one woman -- paid me so they could spend time with me. They paid me quite a lot, actually. Cassidy would be paying me quite a lot.
I felt guilty. I felt like I was doing something immoral. I had other words I used, but they weren't any better. It felt wrong.
But, in spite of how strange the evening had gone, I had liked Cassidy. Getting her to talk had been work, but she'd been interesting and funny, her wit dry, sharp and mature. I'd liked that.
I wasn't sure what the future was going to bring. I wasn't sure I'd recognize myself. I wasn't sure I'd be able to look myself in the eye. I thought that told me quite a lot about what I was doing.
But I didn't know what else to do, either.
I didn't know how I was going to respond to Cassidy's plans for me. The tickling... That had been unexpected. My reactions had been unexpected. I couldn't describe my emotions. I'd never had them before, and I didn't know what they were. I would learn over time. I'd felt vulnerable, which I shouldn't have enjoyed.
But I had, and it was hard to stop wondering what she'd do to me next time, even if it were just more tickling.
I shouldn't have liked it.
But I had.
Part Two
Break
There was a knock at the door. When I turned, Maggie was there. "Got a date?"
"How can you tell?" I did a pirouette for her. Last weekend, Cassidy had bought me a new outfit and asked me to wear it tonight.
Maggie moved closer. "You look hot." She put punch into the last word, really enunciating the final T.
I smiled. "Thanks." I turned back to the mirror and futzed with my hair.
Maggie moved up behind me and looked at me in the mirror. "Leave it alone," she said. "You look great."
"She's taking me somewhere nice," I replied.
"And then back to her place."
I laughed. "Undoubtedly." I turned to face her. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"This is working."
"Even if she does all those things to you?"
I laughed. "Yeah. Even if."
"I think you like it."
"No comment," I said. Maggie was right. I liked it quite a lot. We grinned at each other.
"I was going to ask you. Do you have plans for spring break? I asked my mom if I could bring a friend home."
"Oh, Maggie," I said. "Cassidy hasn't said anything, but she might want me. If she does..."
"Right. But if she doesn't, and you need a place..."
"Then I'd love to spend the break with you," I replied. "That's really sweet." I hugged her briefly. "I'll ask her about it tonight."
"Perfect," she said. "How soon is she collecting you?"
"Twenty minutes," I said.
"Could we talk?" she asked. "But maybe it's a bad time."
"We have a few minutes," I said. I gestured, and we moved to the bed, both of us sitting crosswise facing each other. "What's up?"
"You weren't there, but Honey let me have it at dinner on Wednesday."
I made a face. "Abo
ut what?"
"She said I blame everything on my parents."
"Ah. She's said that to me about you once or twice."
Maggie looked down. "Do I?" She paused before continuing. "I mean. What they did wasn't at all as bad as what your parents did to you, and you never talk about it. You just dealt with it." She looked up. "I haven't dealt with it very well. What do you think?"
"I think life is hard," I said. "There are things we control. There are things we don't control. There are things we try to control, but we're not very good at."
"Like my weight."
"You shouldn't worry about that."
"How can I not worry about it?" she asked. She gestured to herself. "This is the first thing people see."
"We're not supposed to let things like that matter."
"That's bullshit though, Astrid," she said. "Maybe we're supposed to feel good about whom we are, but I'm still not going to get dates when I look like this."
I didn't have an answer for that. But I realized something very simple. I was in over my head, and this was important.
"Hold that thought," I said. "Don't move." I climbed from the bed, found my phone waiting on my desk, and hit speed dial. A moment later, it was answered.
"You're running late," Cassidy said in greeting.
"Not at all." I lowered my voice and turned my back. "I've told you about Maggie."
"Your friend, the one you can talk to."
"Yeah. She's in my room and she needs advice, but I'm not any wiser than she is."
Cassidy laughed. "Right. Got it. Did you want to invite her to dinner?"
"I don't want to ruin our date."
"Pshaw. Invite her to dinner, or maybe ask if another time would work."
"All right. Hang on." I muted the phone and turned to Maggie, who was watching me intently. "Mags. I think you should talk to someone older and wiser."
"Is that Cassidy?" She gestured to the phone.
"She's inviting you to dinner with us, but if you're not comfortable, I understand."
"I don't have anything like what you're wearing."
"Is that your only concern?"
She pursed her lips, then nodded, and I thought she might be on the edge of tears. I pulled the phone back to my ear. "She's worried about how I'm dressed."
"We could have a pizza party instead," Cassidy offered. "Especially if I get you tomorrow night, too."
I laughed. "I was already counting on that, but perhaps for this dinner, maybe not quite that exact suggestion. Maybe Chinese?"
"Change into comfortable clothing. I'll order something, and we can pick it up on the way back here."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course. We can dress up tomorrow night instead. I'll call you when I'm close."
"Thank you, Cassidy."
"See you soon."
We hung up, and I looked at Maggie. "Little party at her place," I said. "I hope Chinese is okay. But I have to change."
"I'm ruining your date."
"No. You know the fancy dinner is just a bribe so I'll say 'yes' later."
Maggie laughed. "It is not. Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
I began stripping back out of the outfit, hanging everything back up in the closet.
"Oh shit," Maggie said from behind me.
I looked over my shoulder. "What?"
"You." She gestured. "Now you really look hot."
I blushed. I hadn't even given it a thought as I stripped down to undies and a bra in front of her. But I kept my back to her as I pulled out a skirt and blouse. Cassidy had been clear about a few things, including a list of clothing she never wanted to see me wearing. Hoodies were at the top of the list, but she also forbid jeans and pants. It was skirts and dresses. I was fine with that.
Maggie stood up and moved closer. "I didn't mean to embarrass you. I just don't own anything like that."
"A skirt?"
"Those underpants. And your bra. I suppose that makes sense."
I didn't say anything.
"Should I change?"
"You're fine," I said.
* * * *
A half hour later, we stepped into the parking lot just as Cassidy drove up. She came to a stop along the curb and climbed from her car.
We'd set a few rules. One was no PDA at school. That had actually been Cassidy's rule, not mine. I wouldn't have minded, but apparently she did.
Cassidy came to a stop a few feet from us. She'd taken time to dress down and was wearing slacks and a blouse.
"Cassidy Hart," I said by way of introduction. "This is Maggie Graves. You both have heard about each other."
Cassidy offered a hand. "I'm pleased to meet you, Maggie," she said.
"I didn't mean to ruin your date," Maggie replied.
"Nonsense," Cassidy replied. "Changed it. We'll have a nice evening together. Why don't you sit up front and we can chat during the drive?"
We all got back in, and it was a moment or two after we were rolling forward that Maggie observed, "You two didn't kiss."
I explained about the no PDA on campus rule. Maggie wanted to know why.
"Our relationship isn't everyone's business," Cassidy said.
"No one would care."
"I don't believe that's true," Cassidy replied. "So, tell me about yourself, Maggie."
The two made small talk during the drive, complete with a break to pick up dinner. Maggie and I waited in the car, and as soon as Cassidy stepped inside the restaurant, Maggie turned around in her seat.
"She's not what I expected."
"What were you expecting?"
"I don't know. She seems normal."
I laughed. "You thought she'd be dressed in leather with a riding crop stuffed inside one boot?"
"I don't know. Maybe. Or maybe, I don't know. Starched."
I gathered my hair in my hands and held it backwards, simulating a tight bun. This time Maggie laughed and pointed. "Yeah. But she's not like that."
"No, she's not," I said.
"I think I like her."
"I think I like her, too," I agreed.
Maggie turned back in her seat, facing forward, and was quiet for a minute. Then she said, "This is still weird."
"Yeah, it is."
Then I looked out the window, and we didn't talk any further. A few minutes later, the car door opened, and Cassidy climbed in, handing Maggie the bags of food. Soon, the car smelled of Chinese food, and I realized how hungry I was.
Cassidy and Maggie made more small talk for the rest of the drive, but Maggie grew quiet as we pulled into Cassidy's neighborhood. We pulled into the garage. Cassidy and I got out, but Maggie sat in the seat facing forward. I looked at Cassidy and shrugged before walking around to open Maggie's door. "What's wrong?"
"We used to live in a house like this," she said.
"Oh." I know. I should have had more to say than that, but I didn't. Instead I reached in and grabbed the bags from her. "I'm hungry," I declared.
Five minutes later found us seated at the dining room table. Cassidy and I were using chopsticks -- Cassidy had been quite clear with me the first time we'd had Chinese, and so I had learned. I guess Cassidy had been quite clear about a number of things. Maggie was fumbling with hers, but then Cassidy produced a fork and slid it towards her.
"Thanks," Maggie said. "Everything looks good."
We ate quietly for a minute. Basically I shoveled away about half my dinner. I really had been hungrier than I realized. But I realized no one was talking.
"All right," I said, setting down my chopsticks. "I hate elephants in the room."
"We have another elephant?" Cassidy asked, looking around. "Where?"
"Cassidy, Maggie helped me set up on Gentle Affection. Without her influence, I wouldn't have done it. And she knows about the nature of what we do in private, although she doesn't necessarily get details."
"Right," said Cassidy.
"Maggie. Cassidy knew all that already. She knows you're my friend, the one I
talk to when I need someone to talk to. But she doesn't know very much about you as a person. All she knows tonight is that my friend came to me for advice, but I don't feel wise enough to help her."
Maggie nodded, but didn't say anything.
"We don't have to talk about that right away," Cassidy said. "Unless you want to. We can just get to know each other first."
Maggie nodded then looked up. "You have a nice home."
"Thank you. I bought it to help a friend, but I wouldn't have if the kitchen weren't so amazing."
"I noticed the kitchen," Maggie replied. "Do you cook a lot?"
"No, actually. I thought I would. I cook, and I'm at least halfway decent." Then she reached over and took my hand. "I'm going to start again." Then she looked at me. "I'd enjoy company."
"Of course," I said. "But I'm nearly worthless."
"You won't remain worthless," Cassidy said. "We'll start with the basics though."
"I'd like that."
Maggie looked at our clasped hands but didn't say anything. Instead, it was Cassidy. She shook my hand a little. "The elephant in the room."
"I didn't say anything," Maggie said softly.
"You knew intellectually about our relationship," Cassidy said. "But it's a little different when confronted with the reality. And this is just holding hands."
"Astrid changed after meeting you," Maggie said.
"What?" Cassidy asked, dropping my hand.
"She laughs more," Maggie said.
Cassidy turned to me. "You do?"
"I do?" I asked.
"Yes," said Maggie. "You don't walk around with a permanent worry face."
Neither Cassidy nor I had a response to that. Maggie was probably right. Instead, we picked up our chopsticks and ate a little bit.
But then Cassidy said, "I'm glad."
I still didn't say anything. And so it was another minute when Cassidy laughed. "Look at us. We're so serious. Maggie, tell me three things about yourself I probably don't know."
"All right. I grew up in Eagan."
"Okay. A local girl. What else?"
"I used to have a horse."
"I didn't know that," I said.
"We had to sell her."
"Oh," I said. "I'm sorry."
