“There’s no rule that says we can’t be seen together. We just can’t be seen dating.”
“But you want to take me out to meet your friends.”
“Yes, I do. And I don’t think that’s out of the question. If Andrew and Carmel can wander around holding hands the moment they step out of the office, I think we can do the same.”
“Yes, but Andrew isn’t you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asks, looking genuinely confused.
“Jesus, Elliot, look in the mirror. The women at the office salivate over you.”
He lets out a small chuckle. “I don’t think it’s that bad.”
“You’re not the one who copped the evil eyes when we were busted on the wharf. Believe me, you could snap your fingers at any woman in that office and they’d undress for you.”
He shudders like his skin is crawling. “Uh, don’t say that. There’s some pretty scary ladies in that office.”
I take that as a challenge and start filling his mind with images of some of the less desirable women waiting for him around corners and throwing themselves at him.
“Great, now I’m going to have nightmares,” he says, pulling to a stop at the freeway exit.
“Well, I can’t leave you like that,” I say seductively, reaching over the centre console, my hand sliding over his lap.
“What are you doing?” he asks, a slight nervous edge to his voice.
“Altering your dream,” I murmur, massaging his hardening cock and taking delight in the way his breathing changes.
“I’m going to pull over,” he says, turning the first chance he can and pulling to a stop. “Holy fuck.”
“Hmm. Is that what this is?” I ask, climbing over to his lap. “A holy fuck?” He groans as I capture his mouth in mine, kissing him intensely. My fingers entwine in his hair as I pull him closer.
Rocking my hips so we’re rubbing up against each other, I can feel his arousal pressing solidly against my own. He moans and reaches down to slide the seat back, giving us more room.
He brushes soft kisses down my neck and across my chest, massaging my breasts with his hands through my clothes. I grind against his erection. “Oh god, do you see what you do to me? I don’t think I can ever let you out of this car,” he growls.
I reach down to release him from the confines of his pants, pulling my panties to the side to take his length inside me. We both let out a long steady breath as I lower myself over him, locking eyes while I slowly move in his lap.
We move carefully together, luxuriating in our continued closeness and watching our own desire mirrored in the other’s face. When he comes, I clench my muscles against his spasms and keep on moving, knowing my own orgasm is ready to explode at any moment. As I erupt, I pull his head to my chest and hold him tightly while he holds my hips and pushes us together as deeply as we can manage.
He releases a whoosh of breath as we come down. “Guess you’re not worried about anyone from work seeing us here?”
I laugh through my nose and suck lightly on his bottom lip. “Not at all.”
Reaching into my handbag, I find some tissues to put between my legs so we can separate and I move back to the passenger seat.
“That was crazy.” With a chuckle, he looks around for a moment, resting his head back in his chair before a bewildered expression takes over his face.
“What?” I ask.
“It’s just you.” He shakes his head slightly. “You get me doing things I wouldn’t normally do.”
I shrug, remembering some of David’s scathing words. “I’m told I’m a risk-taker.”
He reaches over and takes my hand in his, lifting my fingers to his lips. “I like it.”
Twenty-Five
My busy life is a blessing over the following weeks. Between study, training and exams, I barely have a moment to think. And when I do, I fill that time with Elliot, spending a snatched moment with him here and there either over the phone or in person. He’s exactly what I need to fill the quiet. My heart aches a lot less when he’s around.
Sightings of David are few and far between. I spotted him once during exams, but he left after the first hour when there were still three to go. I didn’t see him after that. But I did get an email from the resort we booked on Hamilton Island. A reminder that our cancellation window was closing. I cancelled. I don’t want to stay in some idyllic location on my own. It’d be too hard.
On the morning I’m due to fly out, I hug Mum and Dad tight before fist bumping Tom.
“You sure you don’t want me to drive you to the airport?” Dad asks.
“I’m going with the team on the minibus. They’re right outside,” I say, grabbing my bag as an insistent horn hurries me along. “I’ve gotta go.”
Mum gives me one last hug. “Call us as soon as you land. We’ll watch the race online. But call us when you’re through.”
“OK.” I laugh and pull away. “I’ll see you Monday.”
“Good luck,” they chorus as I leave through the front door, their well wishes joining texts from Elliot, Kayley and… Christopher. That guy seems to be keeping tabs on my racing schedule. I need to tell him to back off.
No text from David. That’s three weeks with no contact. The longest we’ve ever been without each other. This sucks.
“About time,” a girl in my squad, Vanessa says as I climb inside the minibus. “Thought we were gonna miss the plane.”
“We’ve got four hours,” I say, rolling my eyes good-naturedly.
“That’s if this storm holds out,” my coach says, looking at the dark sky. “They’re forecasting big winds later today.”
“Guess we’re in for a bumpy plane ride.”
* * *
There’s no plane ride at all. When the storm hits, we’re an hour away from boarding. The winds cause them to delay our flight then finally close the whole airport down. I spend a solid two hours on public transport getting back home, close to tears because I’m missing an important event. Fuck my life.
When I walk through the door at home, I’m greeted by silence. Dad and Tom would be at work, and Mum is probably shopping or something. I’m completely alone.
I drop my bag on the floor in my room and flop down on my bed, exhausted after a day of stress. Exhausted after my exams. Exhausted after pushing my training so hard for nothing. Exhausted after…after loosing my best friend.
This is the first time since my blow up with David that I’ve stopped and felt the weight of the ball of tension I’ve been holding in my chest. It hurts. And as I take a breath, I struggle to get enough air. David. I sob into my pillow, my shoulders shaking as I let myself feel the loss. It feels like a death, but worse because he’s right around the corner but I can’t go to him. I miss him. My life doesn’t seem complete without him.
After succumbing to my exhaustion, I’m startled awake by the sound of the doorbell. For a second I just lie in bed, hoping someone else is home to get it. But when there’s a tap on my window, I practically jump to stand up.
“Come on, Trina. I know you’re there. You’re still sharing your location with me. I can track your phone.”
“What if I just left my phone behind?”
He laughs a little. “Then it’s suddenly developed its own voice and can talk to me. Listen, I know you hate me right now. But, can I come in?”
“I don’t hate you, David. I’m just…I’m sad.”
“Then open the window so I can come in out of the rain and talk to you.”
I’m both excited and nervous as I move near the window. “Are you going to yell at me again?”
“No. I just want to clear the air,” he says, his voice soft.
When I lift the blind, my heart and stomach seem to switch locations for a moment. He looks like home. He’s drenched from the pouring rain. But he looks like home.
Letting him through the window like I have a hundred times before, I get him a towel to dry off then lead him into the family room where we sit on th
e couch facing each other while he rubs the towel over his wet hair. I have so much I want to say to him, so much I want to ask. I want to throw my arms around his neck and hug him tightly, while also wanting to slap his face and yell at him for leaving me alone for so long. With all these options swimming around in my head, I struggle to fix myself on just one. Instead, I sit there and chew on my lip, lost for conversation for the first time in my life.
“I heard the airport shut down,” he starts, clearing his throat.
I nod. “Storm’s pretty brutal.” The wind howls outside as if proving my point.
“Are you OK?”
I shrug. “Disappointed. But yeah. I’m OK.” I’m not OK. I’m alone when you’re not here and no one can take your place.
“Elliot came to visit me.”
Guilt lodges beneath my ribs. Elliot. My balm. My distraction. My calmer of storms. I can’t deny him. He treats me like I want to be treated. He’s there for me. He understands.
“He did?”
“He got my number from Carmel. Called and asked if he could come over and have a chat.”
“When did he do that?”
“Sunday.” After he drove me home.
“What did you talk about?”
I sit watching his handsome face struggle before he can speak again. “He's not as bad as I thought he was. I should apologise to you for calling him a meathead.”
“I see. What led you to that conclusion?”
“We talked about you. How important you and your happiness are to both of us. He opened my eyes to a few things, and I guess we kind of have… an understanding now.”
“An understanding? What does that mean?” Where does it leave us?
“Well,” he says, frowning before he swallows. “We want you to be happy.” He pauses and locks eyes with me for a moment. “With him.”
“What are you saying?” I shake my head, confused.
“I’m saying… he’s a good guy. I think he’s perfect for you, actually. I was wrong about him and Beth. He’s…” He groans a little as he rubs a hand through his damp hair. “I’d date him if I was a chick.” He laughs and flashes me a half smile. “I think he’s the one guy you’ve dated who’s actually good enough for you.”
My heart practically stops beating, caught in my throat because none of this feels like making up. It feels…it feels like closure.
“Where does this leave us?” I ask in a whisper.
“I don’t know, Trina.” He turns his head away slightly, a look of sorrow in his eyes. It makes me nervous.
“But…I need you, David. You’re my best friend.” It comes out hoarse, laced with tears that threaten to spill from my eyes.
He sighs and takes my hand in his, stroking his thumb over it lightly as he speaks to it instead of me. “When Christopher hurt you, it made me realise how…important, you were—are—to me. I should have said something sooner, but I was waiting…and I waited too long. God, it’s so hard watching you move on. I thought I’d know when it was time, but whenever I opened my mouth, the fear—the fucking fear—crawled up my throat and stopped the words.” He stops and blows out his breath.
“What are saying?”
He looks at me with panicked eyes, a fine layer of sweat coating his skin. “I don’t think I can handle you dating anymore, baby girl. I feel horrible whenever I see or think about you with him, with anyone. And… I know it’s too late. I don’t know what to do about it.”
“I don’t understand. Are you saying we can’t go back to being friends again? I miss you, David. I'm lonely without you.” I can feel myself shaking, so scared that whatever is happening between us can’t be fixed.
“I’m glad you’re with someone like Elliot. He’s a decent guy. But I’m struggling here, Trina. It’s hard for me to be around you.” He bites his lip. “Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”
“No, David. I don’t understand any of this.” Tears fill my eyes, and it takes all of my self-control not to let them spill out.
He reaches up and cups my cheek in his hand, gently caressing my skin. “Can’t you hear me, Trina? I keep telling you. But you’re not getting it.” He leans in close and presses his forehead against mine while letting out a shaky breath. “I’m in love with you.” He presses his lips softly against mine, holding for just a moment before he pulls away and stands as if he’s about to leave.
My heart explodes in my chest at the shock of his confession. No. No. This isn’t possible. He said he only loves me as a friend. That we could could never… because he didn’t… oh God.
My tears fall. “You love me?” I force out, shaking and confused. “Now? After all this time?” I press my hand to my chest. “All this pain?” I can barely see through my tears. “Now you love me? Now?” No. I just got over you.
“I know. It’s shitty timing. I should have made it clear earlier. But I didn’t want to risk ruining what we have—”
“Don’t, David.” I hold up my hand. “Don’t use that excuse when you ruined us, anyway.”
“I was scared, Trina. I didn’t trust myself with you. I thought I’d fuck it up, freak out with you like I do with every girl who gets too close. But I’ve already lost you. I’ve fucked us up without even giving us a chance.”
I shake my head. “How long have you felt this way?”
He runs his hands through his hair and lets out his breath. “Always, I think. But I’ve been sure since the attack, when I thought I’d lost you...”
“And you’ve waited a year? Waited until I’ve finally moved on to tell me this? What are you doing, David? Why are you confusing things? I thought you just wanted to be friends. You’re the one who always said that friends are better than lovers. We’re in this mess because of you!” My voice becomes shrill as I spring to my feet, my body shaking, ears ringing. I can’t face this. I’ve worked so hard on accepting a life without having him, and now that I’m finally in a relationship with a guy who makes me happy, he’s put a bomb under us. What am I supposed to do here? Dump Elliot for David when I swore to him there was nothing between us? Am I supposed to ruin something good on the off-chance David finally has his shit together and can give me what I want? Am I supposed to jump at the click of his fingers and forgive him for years of pain and feelings of worthlessness?
What do I do with this information?
My head feels set to explode.
It feels too late.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I know what I said, and I know I’ve led you to believe everything was still the same between us, but it isn’t. It hasn’t been the same for a long time.”
I shake my head, struggling to believe his words. This is what he does. He wants me when he can’t have me, but when I’m available his interest wanes. I can’t keep playing these games. “So, let me get this straight—you’ve been in love with me forever? You’ve been sure for a whole year? But you’ve been fucking other women the entire time?” I demand, remembering all the comments, the nights he left me to meet someone else.
He shakes his head and meets my eyes. “I haven’t slept with anyone since your accident. I couldn’t. I only wanted you. I…” His gaze waivers. “I didn’t touch anyone else until Beth.”
My hand flies to my stomach as a sickness rises in my throat. “Until Beth? You actually slept with her?” I can hardly breathe, I’d been hoping I was wrong. “When?”
“That night at Pontoon. When I found out you left without me, I’d missed the last train and…” He doesn’t finish, just lets the rest of it hang in the air so I can figure it out for myself. He lied.
I nod, my jaw set in frustration. “You went back to her place, didn’t you?”
“Yes.”
“And one thing led to another, and now… you’re dating her? Is that why she’s been so smug with me in the office?”
He doesn’t answer. But I know it’s the truth, I can read it in his eyes.
“Then why are you here?” I yell. “Why did you walk through the rain and c
limb through my window? Why did you kiss me and tell me you love me when it’s all too fucking late?” Each word gets louder until my voice is vibrating in my ears, scratching at my throat.
“Because I needed to know,” he shoots back.
“Know what?” I screech. Then he grabs me.
He grabs me either side of my face and kisses the ever-loving crap out of me, his tongue pushing past my lips and taking control of mine. And fucked if I don’t respond, grabbing his neck and taking my anger out on his mouth, my whole body buzzing and out of control. It’s a violent clash of teeth and emotion that ends when I place my hands on his shoulders and push him away.
“You can’t do this, David!” I wipe at my angry tears. “You can’t come in here and do that when I’m dating someone else. When you’re dating someone else. You had months to make this happen. Years. And you’re choosing the one time we’re both in relationships? How can I believe this is real? How can I trust you not to break my heart again?”
Agonised in his movement, he digs both of his hands into his hair then lets them fall to his sides as his eyes shine. “You can’t,” he forces out. “You can’t trust this because I don’t even trust my fucking self.”
“Then why are you here?” I screech through my tears, chest shaking with my sobs.
“To say goodbye. To put an end to what we are once and for all. I can’t be the man you need, Trina. I never could. But I can’t be your friend anymore either. It hurts us both too damn much.”
“Fuck you,” I cry, stepping back and shaking my head. “Fuck you, David. Fuck you for every day, for every moment. I wish I never met you. I wish you never sat next to me on that bus.” He’s exploding my world, shaking my foundation. This is a life we built together, brick by brick at his instruction. Now he’s tearing it down and I wish we’d never started. I’ll never find my heart beneath the rubble. He’s ruined me.
“I’m sorry.” He wipes a tear that streaks down his face.
“Fuck your sorry.”
“This is the right thing to do,” he murmurs, lifting an arm like he’s about to touch me but doesn’t. “You’ll understand someday. When you’re happily married and have a couple of kids who are beautiful just like you, you’ll look back and think, ‘Thank fuck he left. He was only holding me back.’”
Struggle: Beautiful Series, book one Page 21
