When I reached the end of the hallway, my mother was sitting at the kitchen table, her head in her hands as she sat in her dressing gown, hunched over a cup of coffee. The moment she looked up at me, I could tell that she’d been crying all night.
Instant guilt stabbed like a knife in my gut. She must have gone into my room and found me gone. She probably thought I ran away…
“Mum…” I started, attempting to apologise as I stepped towards her.
“He’s gone,” she told me hoarsely, a tear rolling out of her already swollen eyes. She swiped at it, quickly removing it from her face. “Your dad. He left us.”
“Bullshit,” I blurted. It was the first thing that popped out of my mouth. I had known this was possible, actually, I thought I wanted my dad gone. But to be faced with the reality of it… well, I felt sick. Angry. Abandoned…worthless.
My own father chose poker machines and alcohol over his family. Over me. I was never going to be enough for him.
Three
By the time year ten rolled around, Trina’s group and mine had merged into one. At first, I thought it was great. Trina and I could sit together and talk without setting ourselves apart from the others. But it quickly became evident we were closer than two friends were meant to be. Everyone wanted to know what was really going on between us, despite the fact we’d told them a thousand times we were simply best friends.
Further suspicion arose when I wouldn’t let any of the guys talk about her as if she were a hole to be plundered. They could say anything about anyone else, but the moment Trina’s name came up accompanied by any comments pertaining to how hot her arse was, my protective instincts kicked in, leaving me frothing at the mouth and ready for a fight.
“What’s your deal, Taylor?” Brett asked after PE one day. “You keepin’ her for yourself?”
“She’s like my sister,” I said, borrowing from Trina’s own words even though I didn’t see her that way. “I don’t want any of you talkin’ shit about her.”
“What about Cassie? Can we talk shit about her?”
“Cassie?” I shrugged. “I don’t know. Say whatever you want.”
He pulled a can of deodorant from his bag and sprayed his pits as he spoke. “Well, I hear she’s gonna hit you up at the dance next week.”
“Hit me up?” I laughed it off. “You make me sound like a drug dealer.”
“Well then, let me be blunt. She wants your cock, mate. And she hasn’t been quiet about it.”
I cleared my throat and focused on packing my gear back into my bag. “Right.”
He clapped me on the back and laughed. “You should be smiling, mate. You’re in. And I hear she gives great head.”
Sweat coated my upper lip, and I swiped a hand across my mouth as I laughed to hide my nerves. “How would you even know what great head is Daniels?” I shot back. “All you have to compare it to is Pornhub and your lubed up hand.” That garnered us a few snickers around the change room, giving me a chance to calm down. I’d heard the rumours about Cassie like every guy in here had. I also knew she’d had a thing for me since Katrina asked me about her a couple of years ago. But I’d always avoided her, still uninterested in doing the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing. I preferred my male-female interactions to happen with girls I didn’t know personally, girls Trina wasn’t friends with. Cassie could make my life really awkward.
“Fuck you, Taylor.” Brett scowled as he pulled his shirt over his head. “I give you good news and you dis me? Uncool, bro.”
“Whatever, man. I’m not interested in Cassie.”
He shrugged. “Suit yourself.”
The idea of a dance was pretty lame, but our entire group went since there isn’t a hell of a lot for sixteen-year-olds to do on weekends that didn’t involve vandalising shit. We were supposed to get all dressed up in retro clothes like we were from the sixties or something. And the girls got really into it, so did a few of the guys. But most of us just turned up in our regular jeans and a T-shirt deal.
Being a school event, it was alcohol free. But Brett smuggled in some bourbon and we all got a little tipsy from mixing it in our cans of coke. Not a lot of dancing was getting done, we were mostly just sitting around as a group shooting the shit. As Brett had reported a few days before, Cassie was making her interest painfully obvious. I wasn’t interested. My mind was focused more on the fact that Trina and this guy Ben we’re having their own private conversation that didn’t involve the rest of us. Then they decided to go inside and dance, and I couldn’t sit still anymore. It didn’t take long before I was making excuses to go and find her.
“She wants you to meet her on the oval,” Brett said when I returned to the group empty handed. I thanked him with a nod and headed straight through the gates, my heart thumping because I hated that she’d come out here on her own. What is she thinking? I hoped she was OK.
It was pitch black when I stepped out around the building, so I wasn’t really prepared when she jumped on me and practically shoved her tongue down my throat. Holy fuck. A surge of confusion and desire rush through my veins as I stumbled forward, bracing myself against the brick wall to regain my balance, which was when I realised it wasn’t Trina attaching herself to me. It was Cassie. I quit responding, but she kept trying. She was like a leech on my face.
“Stop,” I said, lifting my knee to balance her. “What the hell are you doing?”
“What I’ve always wanted to do,” she whispered, grinding herself against me as she tried to pull my mouth back to hers.
I pulled away and tried to put her down, but she was clinging to me like a fucking monkey. “I thought I was meeting Katrina out here.”
That made her pause. “Are you serious? I thought you two were like brother and sister. That’s what Brett told me.”
“We are. Which is why I need to look out for her.” I swung my head side to side, trying to see if she was out here.
“She’s fine,” Cassie cooed. “Ben is taking good care of her. I saw them walking towards the bus bay. You don’t have to worry about her.” She hooked her leg around my waist and ground herself against me. My body responded involuntarily, and she grinned. “Focus on me, big boy. I know a quiet little spot where no one will see us. I want to taste you. I want to let you inside me.” She ran her tongue along my jaw and I moaned because I’m a guy and a pretty girl was offering to suck my cock and let me fuck her. But I didn’t want this to go any further. I didn’t not like Cassie. I just hardly knew the girl. She was more Katrina’s friend than she was mine which made her off limits in my book.
“Cassie. That’s um, a great offer. But, not here OK,” I told her, prying myself free and setting her onto the ground.
“We’re both sixteen, David. It's not like we’re doing anything illegal.”
“Um, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to whip my dick out on school grounds.”
“Not if nobody sees.”
“Maybe some other time, OK?”
“I’ll hold you to that,” she said, blowing a kiss over her shoulder as she walked away, disappearing round the corner, leaving me confused and on my own.
Fucking hell. Despite being warned, I was not ready for what just happened here.
Needing a few moments until I was able to present myself in public again, I gathered my thoughts. I wanted to find Trina. Knowing she was alone with some other guy didn’t sit easy with me. Did Trina have a thing for Ben? She’d never mentioned it if she did, and come to think of it, neither had he. But no one would around me. I wasn’t afraid to knock teeth out if anyone dared to do wrong by her. Would Ben risk my wrath? He was decent in a group; quiet without talking too much smack. But I had no idea how he treated girls when they were alone. Were they just talking out at the bus bay? Or were they doing something…more? My skin crawled at the idea seconds before my feet propelled me forward so I could cut through the school to get to them.
The moment I stepped through the gate, Brett slapped me on the back and congratulated me, handing m
e his bottle of spiked coke.
“What for?” I asked in bewilderment. Forgetting for a moment that he’d sent me out there on purpose.
“For popping Cassie’s cherry,” he informed me.
“What? No way. That didn’t happen.” Suddenly I felt sick. Is that what everyone thinks?
“Don’t act all coy, dude. The girls are all over there talking about it. She told them all you have this giant cock and you rocked her world. And dude, I’m inclined to believe her. I’ve seen that thing of yours at the urinal—it’s unnatural.” He laughed just as a few of the other guys joined in the congratulatory party.
“My man,” Terry said as each of them slapped my back in congratulations. It was like I’d won something and no matter how much I objected, not one of them believed me.
“Man, those girls are just giving up their virginity lately. We’re all gonna get lucky,” Brian said, but since a lot of people called him ‘pizza face’ behind his back, I didn’t like his chances.
“Yeah. Ever since Mara and Aaron started screwing, they all seem to want in on it.” Terry nodded sagely.
“What the hell?” I mumbled, my eyebrows furrowed so deeply that they were hooding my eyes. Then I shook my head and excused myself. “I need to find Trina.”
“Check the bus bay,” Brian said. “Saw her head that way with Ben.”
“Fucking Ben,” I grumbled under my breath as I headed that way, keeping my head down as I avoided eye contact with everyone and anyone. What the fuck was up with Cassie telling everyone that shit? We barely fucking kissed and now everyone thinks I had sex with her? It was bullshit. I hate liars. I hate rumours. I hate fucking school and small-minded gossip mongers. My skin felt too tight, the back of my neck hot. I just wanted to find Trina and get the hell out of there.
Exiting the other side of the school, I found her sitting on a silver bench with Ben. My stomach twisted in knots when I saw how close they were, heads bowed, his fingers touching her face. Then the bottom of my stomach fell out completely as he leaned forward and kissed her. I opened my mouth, wanting to tell him to get his fucking hands off her, but I clamped my mouth shut and swallowed my protest down. Because she wasn’t my girl. She was my friend. Only my friend. And while I knew these feelings of protectiveness meant more than simple friendship, I also knew that I would never cross those lines. She was the most important person in my life. I wasn’t going to fuck it up with the drama a relationship would bring. I’d witnessed enough in my life to know that relationships end, family leaves, but the kind of friendship Trina and I have can get us through anything. As long as I don’t fuck it up.
“Shit,” I muttered as they leaned in and kissed again. For all my internal pep-talk, I had to stop, so I didn’t do anything stupid like stalking over there and punching Ben in the face. Or worse, grabbing Trina by the hair and dragging her away caveman style. No. That might put a strain on the friendship.
I had to be smart. I needed to leave. I needed a moment with Trina to myself so I’d feel grounded again. And I desperately wanted to get us both out of here before Trina heard the rumour about Cassie and me, and before that kissing between her and Ben turned into a full-blown make-out session. I didn’t think my resolve could make it through that.
“Trina,” I called out from a distance. She jerked away from Ben, hugging an arm around her middle like she’d been caught doing something wrong. “We need to go.”
“Did something happen?” she asked, rising from the seat.
“We just need to go.”
“Can’t you get home on your own, Taylor?” Ben asked as I reached them.
“We came together,” Trina answered for me.
Ben rolled his eyes. “Of course, you did.”
“What’s that about?” I snapped, standing a little taller as he shook his head and looked away before he met my eyes.
“For a guy who reckons he has no interest, you’re sure as hell all over her.”
“It’s not like that,” I growled, tired of having to defend my attachment to Trina, and sick of people assuming shit without facts.
“Let’s just go,” Trina said, slipping her hand in mine and tugging me away. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Ben.”
Ben glanced from me to her then nodded. “She’s not your property, Dave,” he called after us.
“Fuck you, Ben,” I shot back. “You have no fucking clue. None.”
God, I wanted to go after him and punch that straight-toothed grin of his crooked. But when Trina placed her hand on my chest and whispered, “Let’s go,” I let the fight drain away, allowing her to lead me back to the front of the school.
“You shouldn’t go off with guys on your own,” I said after several quiet steps.
She released a scoff as she shook her head. “That’s rich coming from you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means you’re a hypocrite because you go off with girls you don’t even know at parties. Why is it so different when I do it with a guy we’ve known since year seven?”
“You don’t know how those guys talk, Trina. I don’t want you involved with any of them.”
“Of course, I know how guys talk. Girls talk too. I’ve heard plenty of things about you. A lot of stuff I wish I didn’t know.”
I shot her a frown. Did she hear already? “Like what?”
She shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. The point is, everyone talks, and it was shitty of you to ruin my first real kiss because you’re worried the guys will talk. I don’t care if they do. I can handle myself just fine.”
Hearing her say that made me stop dead in my tracks. “What did you say?”
“I said I can handle myself just fine.”
“No. Not that part. The part about the kiss. That wasn’t your first.”
She put her hands on her hips as she tilted her head to the side, brows shooting skyward. “Are you talking about that kiss at my window when we were fourteen? That doesn’t count.”
“Our lips met. It counts.”
“It wasn’t real, David.” Rolling her eyes, she laughed then turned to walk again. But I wasn’t letting this go.
Grabbing her arm, I spun her around to face me. She yelped then went wide eyed and quiet when I caught her face in my hands, staring down at her as I fought the twisting inside my gut. “I was your first kiss Trina. Me. Not some guy you hooked up with at a dance.”
“OK,” she whispered, which was when I realised she was trembling, and there were tears in her eyes. I’m fucking this up.
“Shit,” I hissed as I released her, letting out a ragged breath as I started walking again, silence descending like a prickly blanket. I just need to go home.
“He…he’s not just some guy, David,” Trina ventured when we reached the front gate. “I’ve liked him for a while.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” I asked flatly, leaning against the cool metal of the fence, my arms folded across my chest.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. The same reason we don’t talk about the girls you hook up with. We keep our friendship separate from all that. At least I thought that’s what we did anyway…” she said, trailing off as she pulled her phone out of her pocket and pressed the button to light up the screen. “I should call dad to come get us.”
“Before you do, there’s something I want to talk to you about. There’s a rumour that’s—”
“What the fuck?” She looked up from her phone, her mouth wide open and her brows furrowed deeply. “What is wrong with you?” She shoved against my chest to punctuate her words then held her phone in front of my face so I could see the message telling her I slept with Cassie.
I feel sick. “That didn’t happen.” I clenched my jaw as I took her phone from her hand and deleted the offensive message.
“You’re telling me she lied? Why would she lie about something like that? Everyone would call her a slut.”
“Everyone is already calling her a slut.”
Knitting her brow, she
shook her head. “You can be a huge arse.”
“And you can be completely blind. You think these people are our friends. But not one of them saw an issue with Ben taking you somewhere secluded at night.”
“We weren’t doing anything.”
“Yeah. Because I interrupted. You should be thanking me. That text message could have been about you.”
“But it’s not about me. It’s about you. You’re the one taking girls to secluded places. You’re the one they’re gossiping about.”
“Nothing. Happened. I’d expect you out of everyone to believe me. I promise you, on every moment we’ve ever spent together that it's not true. We kissed. She wanted more. I said no.”
Her lips pressed together as tension radiated off her body. I’ve said something wrong. “Why can you go off kissing girls, but I can’t have one kiss with a boy I actually like?”
Ah shit. I could either back off, or double down, and being the overly proud, or possibly stupid teenager I was, I chose to double down. “Because it’s different for girls.”
Her mouth curved into a smile but her eyes told me to fuck off. Now I’ve gone and done it. “You chauvinistic pig. Stay here and wait for Dad on your own. I’m going back inside. Maybe Ben hasn’t been completely scared off by your caveman act.”
“Trina, please. I’m sorry, OK? I’m just pissed about what Cassie said. Don’t go back in.”
But she was already walking. “I’m allowed to have a boyfriend, David. Ben’s right—you don’t own me.”
“Trina.”
She didn’t turn around. She just kept walking towards the music while I shifted on my feet, struggling not to chase after her and demonstrate how caveman I could really be.
“Fuck.” I kicked the fence, breathing deep as I watched until she was safely back inside. Then I crossed the street to McDonalds to wait out the rest of the dance on my own. A few other kids had the same idea and were over there eating and laughing, not a care in the world. When I’d ordered a meal, they asked me to sit down with them.
“Is it true what Cassie’s saying?” A girl named Loren yelled that a little too enthusiastically from across the table.
Struggle: Beautiful Series, book one Page 31
