Dropping my pencil on the maths book in front of me, I picked up my no-name can of lemonade and took a mouthful. We were at my place, the kitchen table covered in our study notes with only two major exams left to sit before the term was over. We were almost done with Maths, but we still had science to study for after this. My brain was starting to feel a little ragged to be honest.
“I figured I’d get a job, save some money towards getting a car. I think mum’s getting sick of me taking hers.”
“How much do you think you can earn in only a couple of months?” she asked with a smile. “You’ll have to buy a total shitbox.”
“I’ll learn how to fix it up. It can be my pet project. I’ll make it all schmick and take you to the year twelve formal in it.”
Her gaze fell as she closed her books and stacked them in front of her. “Ethan’s already said he’ll take me.”
Of course he has.
“A year ahead of time?”
“Well, you’re talking about it too. And you’re not even asking, you just assumed.”
“It’s cool,” I said, crunching my empty can in my fist. “I kinda thought we’d just go as a group. I wasn’t thinking.” I got up and threw the can in the recycling bin, rolling my eyes at myself because I hadn’t even thought about Ethan at all. I just assumed I’d take Trina the same way I did last time. Maybe I had some stupid thought that things would be over between her and Ethan by then and I’d get another shot at saying yes to her. Pipe dreams.
“We can go as a group,” she said with a shrug. Although something about the pitch in her voice told me that would be a terrible idea. “It’ll be fun.”
“It’s ages away, Trina. How about we worry about it when it’s time to buy the tickets?”
“You might even have a girlfriend yourself by then?”
Scoffing, I pulled the fridge open and pulled the chicken out that Mum had put in there for tonight’s dinner. “That is never going to happen. I don’t do girlfriends.”
“I keep hoping you’ll change your mind on that.” Sliding her books into her bag, she stood from the table. “Relationships are better than you think. Even when they’ve ended.”
Pulling out the cutting board, I placed my hands on the bench and met her eyes. “I’ll have to take your word for it.”
She slid her bag over her shoulder. “You could always try it out for yourself.”
“And you could put your bag back down and stay for dinner so we can study for science as well.”
With a slight giggle, she shook her head. “I’m going to a movie with Ethan.”
Of course she was.
“OK. I’ll study for us both then,” I said, pulling the knife from the block to cut the chicken into slices.
She smiled. “See you tomorrow?”
“Sure,” I said as she came over and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
As she walked out, seeming so carefree and happy with her life, I couldn’t help but look around the house and think about the vast difference between hers and my situations. I had responsibilities at home—cleaning, cooking and yard work—while Mum worked long hours to provide for the both of us. Trina’s mum stayed home, her dad worked, and all she had to do was make her bed each morning and set the table for dinner at night. Everything seemed easier for her. And I was jealous. I was tired. And I didn’t know what to do about that.
“Hey, sweetheart,” Mum said with a sigh as she came through the front door later that night. She passed me at the table, still studying, and dropped a kiss on the top of my head. “What’s this?”
“Science. Well, chemistry. How was work?”
“Long.” She dropped her bag on the chair beside me, and her keys on the clearest part f the table.
“Your dinner is in the microwave.” I’d eaten hours before after she’d called to say she was pulling a double shift.
“Thank you.” She hit the quick cook button twice then folded her arms while she waited. “I thought Trina would still be here.”
I looked at my watch. “It’s almost eleven.”
“And?”
“She went to a movie with Ethan.”
“You weren’t invited this time?”
I gathered my study notes into a pile, deciding I was done for the night. “Thankfully, no.”
“Everything OK? I thought you liked Ethan.”
“I do. I’m just tired of being the guy on the outside. It’s crowded.”
“Jealous?” She grinned as the microwave beeped.
“A little.” I got up and grabbed us both a can of drink, sitting across from her as she sat to eat. “But I’m not jealous of him. I think I’m jealous of her.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. She’s just so sure about everything. She’s happy, content, moving forward in this straight line while I’m here feeling restless and anxious, like I’m a tiger stalking a cage.”
“A tiger?” She paused with a fork filled with curry and rice before her mouth.
“Yeah. Like I want out.”
Her eyes widened a little as she placed her fork back on her plate. “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”
Ah shit. “It’s not about getting away from you, Mum. I love you, and I think you’re awesome. But I want to get out of this town, this school. I want to go places, do more, be more. I feel like if I stay here, I’ll be stuck being something I don’t wanna be, but if I leave, I’ll branch out and figure my shit out.”
“Are you saying you think you’ve outgrown your friendship with Trina?”
Frowning, I shook my head. “No. I’d take her with me if she wanted to leave. But she doesn’t. I think she’s outgrown me. She just doesn’t want to admit it.”
“Have you spoken to her about this?”
“I’ve told her I want to go to uni in the city, stay on campus.”
“And what did she say?”
“She said she wants to stay close to Ethan, but she doesn’t want to lose our friendship.”
“So you feel that she’s choosing Ethan over you?”
“No. Yes… I don’t know. I’m just tired, Mum. I don’t want to watch her live her happy life anymore.”
“Then why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Because we want different things. It’s too late now. She’s happy. She’s in love. And I’m….”
“Tired.”
I let out a sigh and nodded.
“And you feel trapped?”
I nodded again. “And confused, lost, overwhelmed. Everything is different, but it’s still the same, and…I don’t know anymore.”
She reached across the table and placed her hand on top of mine. “I know your life hasn’t been the easiest, especially since your dad left. But I want you to know I’m so proud of the man you’re becoming. I can’t do much to change the way you’re feeling right now. I think time will give you clarity there. But I can offer my understanding and let you know I’m always here to talk when you need to. If your friendship with Katrina is truly hurting you, then it’s OK to let it go. But before you do, I want you to try something. Imagine a world in which she’s gone and you can’t pick up the phone and call her, or run to her when you’re stressed or upset. If you can do that and feel OK about it then let her go. If you can’t, hold tighter. You’ll get through this, OK?”
Holy fuck. “OK,” I said, heart in my throat because a world without Katrina? No. That would be hell.
Hold tighter. I can get through this.
* * *
I took a few days over the next week spending time alone to think while I finished up exams. Trina didn’t press for me to socialise since she knew how important my grades were to me, so when I wasn’t preparing for an exam, I ran different scenarios through my mind, trying to figure out what the hell I wanted in life. I did as my mother suggested and created imaginary timelines where Trina and I didn’t know each other anymore. They honestly felt like the worst-case scenarios, bleak and lonely, the ones I didn’
t want. Then I plotted out scenarios with various degrees of involvement. My favourites were when we were close but not too close. I preferred it when there was no boyfriend I’m in the picture of course, but being the boyfriend myself made me uneasy because it changed things between us. I didn’t know why I couldn’t cross that line with Trina—even mentally it was a struggle—because logically, we were perfect for each other, and maybe we would beat the odds and work out like my mother said. But statistically, I knew that was practically impossible. The risks felt far too great.
At the end of the day, I wanted Trina more as a friend than a lover. Sex was easy to come by, but true friendship—the kind that could withstand anything—was a rare find indeed. I wasn’t going to let that go.
Which just brought me back to the conundrum I’d been having ever since the night of the year ten formal. How do I stop feeling attracted to her? How do I remain her friend and watch her fall in love with some other guy? How do you love somebody without ever having them? I was caught in a pattern of wanting to push her away to protect myself and pull her in close because I couldn’t let go. It was ridiculous. Even I could see that. In my perfect world, she would stay single and we would be the kind of best friends we always were—close, affectionate, available…
But that kind of scenario was selfish and unreasonable. I had told Trina on more than one occasion that I didn’t want a relationship, and I needed to hold true to that. I needed to live by it, accept it, and quit wanting to weigh her down, put her on the shelf and keep her there so only I could look at her. That wasn’t fair. I couldn’t have my cake and eat it too. So I needed to make peace with my decision and learn to be truly happy for her. Not just fake happy.
And I was pretty sure I knew how to do it.
“I was wondering if we could meet up later today.” I called Ethan set up some time for us to talk alone and clear the air. He needed to know I wasn’t after his girl. Anymore.
“Uh, sure.” By the sound of his voice I could tell he was frowning. And probably a little confused. “Does Katrina know about this? She said something about shopping with her mum this afternoon.”
“Nah. This is just you and me. I realised we’ve never had a chance to hang out on our own. Thought it would do us good.”
“Ah. OK? I was gonna go for a run but where do you want to meet?”
“How about I join you?”
Ethan was definitely fitter than me but I held my own as we ran around the river track, making light conversation for the first fifteen minutes or so.
“Are you gonna tell me what this is really about?” Ethan asked. “Never really pegged you for the running type.”
“I run,” I said with a smile.
“Yeah.” He laughed. “Away from fathers with shotguns.”
“Funny.” That had never happened. “I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to hang out one on one. I feel like sometimes you and I aren’t really gelling. And since Trina is my best friend and your girlfriend, then it would really help her if we got along.”
“You don’t think we get along?”
“We do okay. I’m just trying to make an effort. I’m not going anywhere. You’re not going anywhere. We have to do what’s best for her.“
“OK. Then I suppose I need to ask you something.”
“What’s that?”
“Is there anything between you two?” Straight to the point.
“No.” I responded immediately. “And there never will be.”
“OK.” He said the word slowly. “Has there ever been anything between you?”
I hesitated. Does he know? “No,” I said finally, assuming Trina would never kiss and tell. “We’re just friends. I promise you that.”
“That’s what Katrina said to.”
“And you didn’t believe her?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. You two just seem so… close. It felt like there was more there.”
“Nah man.” I clapped him on the back. “We’re like brother and sister. Nothing to it.” It felt like a lie. But in reality, I knew it was closer to the truth. It needed to be.
“That’s a relief.” He let out a small but nervous laugh.
“Worried I was gonna cut your grass, huh?”
“Well, yeah. How was I supposed to compete with that level of history? But if you’re telling me you’re like family, then I get it.”
“So we’re cool?”
He grinned. “Yeah, we’re cool.”
“Race you to the bridge?”
With a laugh he nodded, and we took off at a sprint, puffed and laughing by the time we made it. He won. I let him. Because it wasn’t about me proving I was better at something. It was about Trina.
* * *
“Surprise!” Mum said when I walked in the door a little after seven. She was standing in the living area with her arms out to the side.
“Surprise?” A quick scan of the room showed me that nothing was different at all. Did she change her hair?
“Outside,” she said, her eyes widening. “The car?”
I frowned. “The what?”
“I can’t believe you didn’t see it,” she said with a laugh.
“The only cars I saw out there were yours and the Subaru Impreza on the street.”
She grinned. “Yes!”
“Yes?”
Now she was laughing again. “Yes, David. The Impreza is yours.”
It was my turn to bug out. “What?”
“Consider it a taste of freedom. It might help you feel a little less trapped.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out the keys.
“Are you serious?”
“I sure am.”
“Holy crap.” I rushed to the window and looked out at the shiny blue car parked on the street. I’d seen it when I came home but thought it belonged to someone visiting a neighbour or something. People were always parking in front of our house. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, Mum. But how did you get the money for a car like that? I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but if you’re in debt for it, I’d rather you took it back and I can work until I can afford an old bomb.”
She smiled gently at me. “You’re very sweet to worry about the cost. But I assure you, I’m not in debt one bit. It’s all yours, and it’s all paid for.”
“But mum? It’s too much.”
“No. It’s exactly what you deserve,” she said, touching me lightly on my cheek. “Now go and take it for a spin.”
I stood there for a moment, not sure if this was really happening. Is that car seriously mine?
“Go.” She pressed the keys into my hand.
With a massive grin on my face, I kissed her on the cheek then sprang into action, practically bounding out the door.
Running my hands over the dark-blue paint job, I walked around the car to check it out properly while my mum stood in the doorway, watching me happily. As I slid inside, it still looked and smelled new. I practically sunk into the leather seats as I sat back, taking in my surroundings.
“Start her up,” my mother yelled, beaming at me.
Placing the key in the ignition, I turned it, my chest vibrating when the 275 horsepower engine grunted to life.
“No speeding!”
“I promise.” I couldn’t stop the smile from taking over my face. This was the most amazing thing I had ever been given. Immediately, I headed to Katrina’s house. She was the first person I wanted to take for a drive, the only person I wanted to share this with.
I pulled up to the front of the house and tooted the horn to get her attention. I saw the curtain in the lounge room pull to the side and Tom’s face poke through. Straight after that, the front door opened and out filed Tom, Katrina and Ethan.
“Nice ride, mate,” Ethan said as they all looked over the car.
“You going to take us for a spin?” Tom asked, not waiting for my answer as he slid into the front passenger seat.
“Sure, hop in.” I laughed, reminding myself of my earlier decision to quit being so
possessive. The more the merrier, I guess.
“It really is a nice car, David,” Trina said as she slid into the backseat with Ethan. “Is this a Christmas gift from your mum?”
“I guess so. It was waiting for me when I got home this afternoon.”
“It’s gorgeous. I’m jealous.”
“Can I drive?” Tom asked.
“Not on your life.”
We went driving for maybe an hour, talking and listening to music. After the months of agonising over my feelings and coming to a point where I had a clear vision of my future, having the freedom of my own car was a sweet reward.
When I got home, Mum took some pictures of me posing with it. It seemed so strange to be enamoured over a tonne of metal, but I smiled proudly. Best afternoon of my life.
And it wasn’t just that car that made it that. It was the combination of deciding my path, taking action, and being given some coveted freedom. I just wish it could have lasted…
At maybe one o’clock in the morning, I was woken up by a loud banging on the front door. Jumping up in case there was someone trying to get into the house, I heard Mum’s voice. “What are you doing here?”
“You gave the kid that car?” the early-morning visitor yelled. It had been a few years since I’d seen him, but I’d know that drunken slur anywhere. Dad. I stood at my door and pressed my head against the cool wood.
“You gave it to me, and I gave it to him. It was my choice to make.”
“He’s a seventeen-year old kid. Give him your old car.”
“God, I should have known you’d react like this. I never should have sent you that picture. But I thought you might actually be glad to see him so happy. Can’t you be happy for your son?”
“That piece of shit? No. He can’t have the car. He gets nothing.”
That piece of shit. My fists balled up at my sides as I took a few calming breaths. Fuck. I hate him.
“You lost the right to tell me what to do when you walked out of here. Go home. You’re drunk.”
“You’re an ungrateful bitch, and you’ve raised an ungrateful bastard of a son. I never should have given it to you. I only did so you’d get off me fucking back about support payments.”
Struggle: Beautiful Series, book one Page 37
