by Elinor Glyn
XXV
Marriage is the most turbulent state I could have imagined! Whether ornot Alathea and I will ever get the tangle straightened out I am notcertain. Now as I write--Saturday afternoon, the ninth of November,1918--it looks as if we were parted forever, and I am so irritated andangry that as yet I feel no grief.
The quarrel all arose from my fault, I suppose. When Alathea came intothe sitting-room at about ten o'clock she had blue circles round hereyes, and knowing what caused them I determined to ask her about themand disturb her as much as possible! This was mean of me.
"You poor child! You look as if you had been crying all night. I do hopenothing is troubling you?"
Her cheeks flushed.
"Nothing, thank you."
"Your room cannot be properly aired then, or something. I have neverseen you looking so wretchedly. I do wish you would be frank with me.Something must have worried you. People don't look like that fornothing."
She clasped her hands together.
"I hate this talk about me. What does it matter how I look, or am, solong as I do the things I am engaged for?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "I suppose it ought not to, but one has afeeling that one hates anyone under one's roof to be unhappy."
"I am not unhappy. I mean not more unhappy than I have always had tobe."
"But the causes which made you sad before have been removed surely, onlythings which are occurring now from day to day between you and me, canbring fresh trouble. Is it something I have done?"
Silence.
"Alathea, if you knew how you exasperate me by your silences! I wasalways taught that it was very rude not to answer when one was spokento."
"It depends upon who speaks, and what about, and whether they have aright to an answer."
"Then the inference is that I have no right to an answer, when you aresilent?"
"Probably."
I grew irritated.
"Well, I think I have a right, I ask you a plain question--have I doneanything which has caused you distress--distress which is so evidentthat you must have been crying!"
She threw up her arms.
"Why on earth cannot you keep to business, it is quite unfair. If I werereally your secretary and nothing more you would never persecute me foranswers like this!"
"Yes I would. I have a perfect right to know why anyone in my service isunhappy. Your fencing tells me that it _is_ something which I have donewhich has hurt you, and I insist upon knowing what it is."
"I shall not tell you," defiantly.
"I am very angry with you, Alathea," my voice was stern.
"I don't care!" hers was passionate.
"I think you are very rude."
"You have told me that before--well I am rude then! I will tell younothing. I will do nothing but just be your servant to obey orders whichrelate to the work I have been engaged for."
I felt so furious I had to lie back in my chair and shut my eye.
"You have a very poor sense of a bargain, if you only keep it in theletter. Your underneath constant hostility makes everything sodifficult, the inference of your whole attitude toward me, and ofeverything you say and do, is that you feel injured, that you have somegrudge against me."
I tried to speak levelly.
"What on earth have I ever done to you except treat you with everycourtesy? Except that one day when you had the baby in your arms and Iwas rude, but apologized, and that one other time when I kissed you, andGod knows I was sorry enough afterwards and have regretted it eversince. What _is_ the reason of your attitude; it is absolutely unfair?"
This seemed to upset her considerably. She hated the idea that she wasthought unfair. It may have made her realize too that she _had_ adefinite sense of injury. She lost her temper, she stamped her scrap ofa foot.
"I hate you!" she burst out. "You and your bargain! I wish I was dead!"and then she sank into the sofa and covered her face with her hands, andby the shaking of her shoulders, I saw that she was crying!
If I had been cool enough to think then, I suppose I could have reasonedthat all this was probably most flattering to me, and an extra proof ofher state of mind, but the agitation it had plunged me into made meunable to balance things, and I too allowed my temper to get the betterof me, and I got up as best I could and seizing my crutch, I walkedtowards my bedroom door.
"I shall expect an apology," was all I said, and went in and left heralone.
If we are to go on fighting like this, life won't be worth living!
I tried to calm myself and went in the window, but the servants cameinto the room to make the bed, so I was forced to go back again to thesitting-room. Alathea had gone into the little salon, I suppose, becausefor the same reason, she could not have returned to her room. I sat downin my chair quite exhausted. I did not feel like reading or doinganything.
It was to-day that we were to go to the Duchesse's in the afternoon forAlathea to be presented to our friends as my wife! I wondered if shehad forgotten this!
After an hour Burton came in with the second post.
"You do look badly, Sir Nicholas!" he said. His face was perplexed andtroubled. "Can I get you anything?"
"Where is Her Ladyship, Burton?"
Then he told me that she had gone out. I could see he wanted to saysomething. His remarks are generally valuable.
"Out with it, Burton."
"I do think it is Mam'zelle that's causing all the trouble. As bad luckwould have it, as I opened the door to let Her Ladyship out, who shouldcome up the stairs a moment after but Mam'zelle! They must have passedon the floor below. Neither had taken the lift, which as you know, SirNicholas, is out of order again, since last night."
"Then she thinks Suzette has come in here to see me Burton. By Jove whata devilish complication! I think we had better move from the flat asquickly as we can."
"It seems as if it would be advisable, Sir Nicholas."
"Can you suggest anything, Burton? I really am quite knocked overto-day."
"Her Ladyship don't chat to servants like some ladies, or I could easilylet her maid know that Mam'zelle don't visit here, so that won't do," hemused. "You could not tell her yourself straight out. Sir Nicholas,could you?"
"It would be difficult, because it presupposes I think she minds aboutit, and for me to let her know that would insult her more thananything."
"Beg pardon, Sir Nicholas, but there was a young woman some twenty yearsago, who had a temper like, and I always found it was best just to makea fuss of her, and not do no reasoning. That is what they wants, SirNicholas, indeed it is. I've watched them in all classes for a matter ofmany years. You can get what you want of them if you only make a fuss ofthem."
"What does 'to make a fuss of' exactly mean Burton?"
"Well, it is not for me to tell you Sir, knowing ladies as you do, butit is just kissing and fondling them, and them things, makin' them feelthat they're just everything,--even reasonable, Sir Nicholas."
Burton's dryly humorous face delighted me. His advice was first class,too!
"I'll think it over," I told him, and he left me alone.
That would be one way of winning or losing everything certainly! But itwould also be breaking my word, and I don't believe I could do that.
Alathea came in in time for luncheon. Her face was set in a mutinousobstinate mould. We went into the dining-room immediately, and so therewas no chance of conversation. I noticed that she wore no bracelets orrings, nothing of mine, not even the wedding ring.
We were icy to each other during the meal, and made conversation, andwhen we were alone with the coffee I just said:
"I hope that you have not forgotten that at four o'clock we are to go tothe Duchesse's to meet the friends that she thinks it is suitable foryou to know."
Alathea started. I could see she had not registered this fact for thisdate.
"I would rather not go," she said resentfully.
"I daresay you would. So would I, but we owe the Duchesse gratitude forall her kindness t
o us, and I fear we must."
We did not speak further. I could not talk until she apologized, and Irose to go out of the room. She gave me my crutch. Her not apologizingmade me burn with resentment.
I had not been in the salon a minute, however, before she came in, herface crimson. She stood in front of me.
"I apologize for showing my temper this morning. Would it not do afterto-day if I just lived out somewhere, and came in and worked as before?It is a perfect farce that I live here, and wear a wedding ring, eventhe servants must be laughing at me."
"I notice you do not wear a wedding ring. Your whole attitude isperfectly impossible, and I demand an explanation. What is the reason ofit? We made a bargain, and you are not keeping it."
"If you will give me time to work, I will pay you back the fiftythousand francs, and the clothes and jewels I can leave behind me--Iwant to go."
She spoke with a break in her voice now.
"Why do you want to go suddenly, there is nothing different to-day toyesterday or any other day? I refuse to be the puppet of your caprices."
She stood clasping and unclasping her hands, never looking at me.
"Alathea," I said sternly, "look me straight in the face and tell me thetruth. _What_ is your reason."
"I can't" still her eyes were down.
"Is there someone else?" My voice sounded fierce to my own ears. I had asudden fear.
"But you said it would not matter if there was someone else--if I toldyou," she answered defiantly.
"There is someone else then?" I tried to be casual. "Look at me."
Slowly she raised her eyes until they met my one.
"No, there is no one.--I just don't want to live here, in this flat anylonger."
"Unless you can give me some definite reason for this extraordinarybehaviour on your part, I am afraid I must refuse to discuss thesituation, and meanwhile will you please go to your room and fetch therings and bracelets."
She turned and left without a word--I daresay she wondered what I wasgoing to do with them.
She brought them back.
"Come here close."
She came rebelliously.
"Give me your hand."
"I won't."
"Alathea, I will seize it, crippled as I am, and make you obey me byforce if you will not for asking."
Her whole face expressed furious resentment, but she is too sensible andlevel headed to make a scene, so she gave me her hand. I put the weddingring back, and the big diamond one.
"Now you will wear them until you convince me of your reason sothoroughly that I myself take them off, the bracelets you can do as youlike about--throw them away, or give them to your maid. And thisafternoon I hope I can count upon your instincts of being a lady to makeyou behave so that no one can chatter about us."
She drew away her hand, as though my touch burnt her. Her expression wascontemptuously haughty.
"Of course you can count upon me for this afternoon," and she turned andwent out of the room again.
And now I am waiting for her to come back dressed for the Duchesse'sreception, it is ten minutes to four o'clock. The volcano upon which weare living cannot go on simmering much longer, there is bound to be anexplosion soon!
* * * * *
_Later:_
Things are developing! My bride and I never spoke a word on the way tothe Hotel de Courville. She was looking the most desirable morsel a mancould wish to present to his friends. The sable cloak and the mostperfect frock and hat. Her maid is evidently a splendid hairdresser. Shewas "of a _chic_," as Maurice afterwards told me.
I had telephoned and broken the news to him while I was waiting forAlathea to come. He was not surprised, he pretended, and now that themarriage is an accomplished fact, he is too well bred not to fall intothe attitude of delight about it. Maurice has no intention of droppingme--married or single!
Thus when we arrived, and went up in the lift to the sitting-room, wefound him among the first to greet us.
The Duchesse kissed us both fondly, and said many pleasant things, andhaving placed me in a suitable chair, brought everyone to me, andpresented Alathea to them all.
They were the very _creme de la creme_ of the Faubourg who could becollected in Paris--many are still in the country. Coralie was there,with two resentful pinpoints in her clever little eyes, but the mostgracious words on her lips.
They none of them could find fault with the appearance of my wife--norher manner. She has the ways of the _ancien regime_ like the Duchesse.I could see that she was having a huge success.
While everything seemed to be going beautifully and all the company hadgone on into another small anti-room where the "_gouter_" was, my dearold friend came to me.
"It is not progressing Nicholas--_Hein_?"
"There is some screw very loose, Duchesse. She absolutely hates me andwants to go and live out of the flat!"
"_Tiens_!--She is jealous of some one. Nicholas, it is not possible thatyou have still--?"
I did not grow angry.
"No indeed, that is over long ago, but I do believe she thinks it isnot. You see the person in question comes to see a relative who hasmarried an _antiquaire_ on the floor above me, and Alathea has seen heron the stairs and imagines she comes to see me!"
"And you cannot tell her?"
"I am not supposed to know it would matter to her!"
"_Bon_. Do you really love the child, Nicholas?"
"_Chere Amie_, with my whole heart. I only want her in all the world."
"And she is being impossible for you surely! I know her character--ifshe thinks you have a mistress--her pride is of _le diable_!"
"It is indeed."
The Duchesse laughed.
"We must see what can be done, dear boy. Imagine though what I havediscovered! That infamous father took that money that you gave, when theaffair had already been settled by _le Colonel_ Harcourt with yourmoney! A relation of mine attested at the investigation and had to knowthe facts. Nicholas, you _preux chevalier_! You paid twice, and neversaid a word! You are of a devotion! It was splendid of you, but my poorHilda is heartbroken that you have been so pillaged."
At that moment the crowd returned from the other room and the Duchesserose and left me.
Coralie now sat with me.
"_Mes compliments_, Nicholas! She is lovely! But what a fox,--thou!"
"Am I not? It is so delicious to find things out for oneself!"
Coralie laughed; she has a philosophic spirit, as I have found alwaysthose much love-battered ones possess. She accepts my defection andagain looks to the main chance to see how she can benefit by it.
At last the whole thing was over, and Maurice and I had a cigarettetogether in the tea room.
People would be crazy, "simply crazy, my dear chap," about Alathea, hetold me. She was "_seduisante_," how right I had been! How fortunate Iwas! When was I going to England?
He said farewells after this, and once more _my wife_ and I were alonein the brougham.
Alathea wore her mask. Having been received now as my wife, and by theDuchesse whom she loves and respects, she knows she cannot go onsuggesting she will not live in the flat with me. She cannot bringherself to speak about Suzette, because the inference would be that sheobjects. I wondered if the Duchesse had been able to say anything toher.
She did not speak at all and went straight to her room when we arrived.
It was five minutes past eight when she came in to the sitting-room.
"I am sorry if I have kept you waiting," were her first words.
At dinner we spoke ceremoniously of the party. And when we went back tothe salon she went straight to the piano and played divinely for anhour.
The music soothed me. I felt less angry and disturbed.
"Won't you come over and speak now?" I called in a pause, and she cameover and sat down.
"Don't let us talk to-night," she said. "I am trying to adjust things inmy mind. I want to go to my mother to-morrow, if you
will agree. She isill again, and has not been able to start. From there I will tell you ifI can force myself to keep on with it, or no."
"I cannot understand why it should be so difficult, the idea did notaffright you when we first talked of it. You voluntarily accepted theproposal, made your bargain, promised to stick to it, and here afterthree days you are trying to break out, and are insinuating that thecircumstances are too horrible for you to continue bearing it. Surelyyour reason and common sense must tell you that your behaviour isgrotesque."
The same agitation which always shows when we talk thus overcame heragain. She did not speak.
"I could understand it better if you were a hysterical character. Youdid not seem to be so, but now no ridiculous school miss of romancecould be more given to the vapours. You will absolutely destroy theremaining respect I have for you, unless you tell me the truth, and whatis underneath in your mind influencing you to behave so childishly."
This stung her to the quick, as I had meant that it should. She boundedup.
"Well,--I will then. I hate being in the house--with your mistress!"
She was trembling all over, and as white as marble.
I leaned back and laughed softly. My joy was so immense I could not helpit.
"To begin with, I have no mistress, but if I had how can it possiblymatter to you, since you hate me, and yourself arranged to be only mysecretary."
"You have no mistress!" I could see she thought I was lying ignobly.
"I had one, as of course you know, but the moment I began to think thatyou might be an agreeable companion, I parted from her, at the time whenyou saw the counterfoils in the cheque-book, and changed to me fromthat moment."
"Then--?" she still looked incredulous.
"She has a cousin living in the flat above, married to an _anticaire_.She comes to see her. You have no doubt met on the stairs. And on ourwedding day she came in here, not knowing, to thank me for a villa I hadgiven her at Monte Carlo as a good-bye present. I am very angry that sheintruded, and it shall never happen again."
"Is this true?" She was breathless.
That made me angry.
"I am not in the habit of lying," I said haughtily.
"_Mademoiselle la Blonde_," and her lips curled. "She came in while youwere at St. Malo. She inferred you had not parted then!"
"That was because she was jealous, and is very temperamental. I hadthought that quality was confined to her class."
I too can hit hard when I am insulted!
Alathea flashed at me. She was beginning to realize that she was at adisadvantage.
"You are not unutterably shocked that I should have had a--friend, areyou?"
Her face grew contemptuous.
"No, my father had one. Men are all beasts."
"They may be in the abstract, but are not when they can find a womanworth love and respect."
She shrugged her shoulders.
"My mother is an angel."
"Now that your mind is at rest as to this question, have you any othercause of complaint against me? Though why it should matter to you what Ido or don't do in this respect, as long as I am courteous to you, andfulfill my side of the bargain, I cannot think. One could imagine youwere jealous!"
"Jealous!" she flared furiously. "Jealous, I! How ridiculous.--One hasto care to be jealous!" and then she flounced out of the room.
Yes,--even when they appear all that is balanced, there is nothing soamazing as a woman!
XXVI
_Sunday:_
I slept last night soundly for some strange reason, and woke quite lateon Sunday morning.
One frequently has some sense of depression or some sense of exhaltationbefore one is quite conscious, and quite often cannot account for eitherstate. Presumably Alathea had left me full of contemptuous indifference,but I awoke with a feeling of joy and satisfaction, which graduallychanged to flatness, when I became fully aware of things.
For indeed what reason had I for great rejoicing? None, except that themenace of the Suzette bogie may be lifted.
I rang for Burton. It was nine o'clock.
"Has Her Ladyship breakfasted yet, Burton?"
"Her Ladyship breakfasted at eight, and left the house at half-past, SirNicholas."
My heart sank. So I was going to have a lonely morning. She had said shewanted to go to her mother, I remembered now. I did not hurry to get up.The doctors were coming with the wonderful artist who is making my newfoot, at twelve o'clock, and I am to have it on to-day for the firsttime. This would be a surprise for Alathea when she returned to lunch. Iread my journal in bed, and thought over the whole of our acquaintance.Yes, certainly she has greatly changed in the last six weeks. Andpossibly I am nearer my goal than I could have dared to hope.
Now my method must be to be sweet to her, and not tease her any more.
How wonderful it will be when she does love me. I have not thought muchabout my own feelings lately. She has kept me so often irritated andangry, but I know that there is a steady advance, and that I love hermore than ever.
To see her little mutinous rebellious face softening--?--it will beworth all the waiting. But meanwhile she is out, and I had better getup!
* * * * *
I wonder if all the hundreds of other fellows who lost a leg below theknee and were cripples for eighteen months felt the same as I did whenthe new limb was fixed, and they stood upon two feet again for the firsttime.
A strange, almost mad sense of exaltation filled me. I could walk! I wasno longer a prisoner, dependent upon the devotion of attendants!
I should no longer have to have things placed within reach, and be madeto realize impotency!
It hurt and was awkward for a while.--But Oh! the joy, joy, joy!!
After the doctors and the specialist had gone with heartycongratulations, my dear old faithful servant had tears in his eyes ashe dressed me.
"You must excuse me, Sir Nicholas, but I am so glad."
Excuse him! I could have hugged him in my own joy.
He arrayed me in one of Mr. Davies's pre-war masterpieces, and we bothstood in front of the long glass in my bedroom, and then we solemnlyshook hands!
It was too glorious!
I wanted to run about! I wanted to shout and sing. I played idiotictricks, walking backwards and forwards, like one of Shackleton'spenguins. Then I went back to the glass again, actually whistling atune! Except for the black patch over my eye, I appeared very much thesame as I used to do before the war. My shoulder is practically straightnow. I am a little thinner, and perhaps my face bears traces ofsuffering, but in general I don't look much altered.
I wonder what Alathea will say when she sees me! I wonder if it willmake any difference to her?
To-morrow morning they are going to put in my eye.
I have not written all this in my journal, it seemed too good to betrue, and I had a kind of superstitious feeling that I must not eventhink of it, much less write, in case it did not come off. But now themoment has come! I am a man again on two feet. Hurrah!
I looked out of the window and kissed my hand to a young girl in thestreet. I wanted to call to her, "I could walk with you now, perhapssoon I could run!" She looked at me with the corner of her eye!
Then I planned how I would surprise Alathea! I would be in my bedroomwhen I knew she was in the salon before lunch, and then I would walk in!
I became excited, there was about a quarter of an hour to wait. I triedto sit down and settle to a book, but it was useless, the words conveyedno sense. I could not even read the papers!
I began listening to every sound, there were not many things passing atthis time on a Sunday morning, but of course she was walking, notdriving. One o'clock struck. She had not returned. Burton came in to askif I would postpone lunch.
"Her Ladyship did not say when she would be back," he said.
"We had better not wait then. I believe now she told me she would not bein."
Burton had opened a pint of c
hampagne. On this tremendous occasion hefelt I should drink my own health!
I had begun to lose some of my joy.----I wished she had been here toshare it with me.----
* * * * *
I have walked up and down--up and down. It is four o'clock now, and shehas not returned. No doubt her mother is ill, perhaps,--perhaps--
_Midnight:_
I have spent a beastly day. My exhilaration has all evaporated now. Ihave had no one to share it with me. Maurice and everyone is leaving mediscreetly alone, knowing I am supposed to be on myhoneymoon--Honeymoon!
I spent the afternoon waiting, waiting. And after tea when Alathea hadnot arrived I began taking longer turns, walking up and down the broadcorridor, and at last I paused outside her room, and a desire came overme to look in on it, and see how she had arranged it.
There was silence. I listened a moment, then I opened the door.
The fire was not lit, it all seemed cold and cheerless. I turned on thelight.
Except for the tortoise-shell and gold brushes and boxes I had had puton the dressing table for her, there was not an indication that anyonestayed there, none of the usual things women have about in their rooms.One could see she looked upon it just as an hotel, and not a permanentabode. There were no photographs of her family, no books of her own,nothing.
Only the bracelets were on the table still in their case, and on lookingnearer, I saw there was a bottle of scent. It had no label, and when Iopened it I smelled the exquisite perfume of fresh roses that she uses.Where does she get it? It is the purest I have ever smelt in my life.
I looked at the quaint little fourpost bed that I had found in that shopat Bath, a perfect specimen of its date, about 1699, with the old deeprose silk pressed over the shell carving.
I had an insane desire to open the drawers in the chest and touch herstockings and gloves. I had a wild feeling altogether I wanted my love,rebellious, unrelenting, anyhow! I just longed for her.
I resisted my stupidities and made myself leave the room, and then triedto feel joy again in my leg.
Burton was turning on the lamps when I got back to the salon.
"There are rumours that something is going to happen, SirNicholas,--talk of an Armistice I heard when I was out. Do you thinkFoch will do it?"
But I know all these rumours and talks, we have heard them before, sothis did not affect me. I could feel nothing, as time went on, but apassionate ache. Why, why must she be so cruel to me? Why does she leaveme all alone?
Alathea, I would never be so unkind to you. And yet I don't know, if Iwere jealous and angry, as I suppose she is, I could of course be muchcrueler.
Her Ladyship's maid had been given the day out by her mistress, Burtoninformed me, so that we could gain no information from her. We waiteduntil half-past eight for dinner, but still my little girl did not come,and in solemn state in a white tie and tail coat, I dined--alone!
In spite of the champagne, which Burton again handed, apprehension setin. What can have happened to her? Has she had an accident? Does shemean never to return? Are all my calculations of no sense, and has sheleft me forever?
In despair, at ten o'clock I telephoned the Hotel de Courville.
Lady Thormonde had been there in the morning, I was told, but theDuchesse had left for Hautevine at two o'clock.--No one was in the housenow.--No, they did not know Lady Hilda Bulteel's telephone number. Shehad no telephone they supposed.--No, they did not know the address.
Auteuil, and the name Bulteel, that is all! Perhaps something could bedone on a week-day, but on a Sunday night, in war time, all wasimpossible. And at last in an agony of doubt and apprehension, Iconsented to retire to bed.
Had I made some mistake? I tried to remember. She had said she meant todecide if she could bear the situation or no, and that she was going toher mother. She wanted to be with her. She had been ill and could notstart. Yes, of course that is it. The mother is ill, and they have notelephone. I must wait until the morning. She cannot really mean not tocome back. In any case she would have let me know.
But what an agony of suspense!
Burton came and gave me my medicine, when I was in bed, and although Iknew it was a camouflaged sleeping draught, I drank it. I just could notbear it any longer.
But I only slept until four, and now I am sitting up writing this, andI feel as if every queer force was abroad, and that all sorts ofmomentous things are happening.--Oh, when will daylight come--
* * * * *
I was awakened by cannon!
I leaped from my bed. Yes, leaped! I had been dreaming that a surpriseparty of Germans were attacking the trench, and I was just rallying themen for a final dash when heavy guns began a bombardment which wasunexpected.--Oh God! let me get up and over the top in time!
Wild with excitement, I was now wide awake!
Yes, there were cannons booming!
Had Bertha begun again?
What was happening?
Then I heard murmurs in the street. I rang the bell violently. I hadslept very late. Burton rushed in.
"An Armistice, Sir Nicholas," he cried joyously.
"It's true after all!"
An Armistice! Oh, God!
So at last, at last we have won, and it has not been all in vain!
I shook with emotion. How utterly absorbed in my own affairs I had beennot to have taken in that this was coming. George Harcourt hadtelephoned that he had news for me, I remember now, while we were at theHotel de Courville on Saturday, and I had paid no attention.
I was too excited all through breakfast to feel renewed anxiety aboutAlathea. I was accepting the fact that she had stayed with her mother.Surely, surely she would be in soon now!
The oculist, and his artist-craftsman, would be arriving soon, at eleveno'clock, if the excitement of an Armistice does not prevent them! I hopeall that won't be going on when Alathea does come in!
Burton has questioned her maid. She knows nothing of Miladi's movementsonly that she herself had been given permission to go out for the day.
All the servants have gone more or less crazy! Pierre hopped in justnow, jolly old chap! and in his excitement embraced me on both cheeks!
(He has a wooden stump, not a smart footed thing like mine, but I shallchange all that now!).
Antoine could not contain himself, and heaven knows what theunderservants did!
I told them all to run out and see what was happening, but Pierre saidno, the _dejeuner_ of Monsieur must not be neglected. Time enough in theafternoon!
Eleven came, and with it the oculist, and by luncheon time I had asecond blue eye! But Oh! the shouting in the streets and the passionatejoy in the air!
The two men preened themselves upon keeping this appointment upon sogreat a day, and indeed my gratitude was deep. But the same gladness didnot hold me as when my leg was given back to me. Everything was nowswallowed up in an overwhelming suspense.
What could have kept Alathea?
I walked to the glass soberly when the doctors had gone, eager to getaway and join the rejoicers. And what I saw startled me. How astonishingthe art of these things is now! Unless I turn my glance in someimpossible way I have apparently two bright blue eyes, with the samelids and lashes, the scrap of shrapnel only injured the orb itself, anddid not touch the lid, fortunately, and the socket had healed upmiraculously in the last month. I am not now a disgusting object.Perhaps, possibly--Yes, can I induce her to love me soon?
But what is the good of it all? She has not returned, and now somethingmust be done.
But on this day of days no one could be found to attend to anything!Shops were shut, post offices did not work. The city was mad withrejoicing.
At luncheon I ate,--gulped down my food. Burton's calm reassured me.
"You don't think anything has happened, do you Burton?"
"No, Sir Nicholas. Her Ladyship is no doubt with her family. I don'tfeel that anything is amiss. Her Grace returns to-morrow anyway, and
wecan hear for sure then. Would you not care to drive out and see thepeople, Sir? It is a day!"
But I told him no. He must go, they all could go. I would wait in andcould now attend to myself! But I knew somehow that the dear old boywould not leave me.
The hours went by, the shouting grew louder, as bands passed on theirway to the _Champs Elysees_ to see the cannon, which I heard were nowdragged there. Burton came in from time to time to tell me the news,gathered from the _concierge_ below.
I telephoned to Maurice, he was wild with delight! They were going tohave a great dinner at the Ritz and then go and _farandole_ in thestreets with the people, would not we (_we!_) join them!
Everyone was going. Odette telephoned too, and Daisy Ryven. All wererejoicing and happy.
The agony grew and grew. What if she means to leave me and has justdisappeared, not telling me on purpose to punish me? At this thought Iwent frantically into her room again, and looked on the dressing-table.The ring cases were there in a drawer in the William and Marylooking-glass, but no rings. No, if she had not meant to return shewould have left them behind her. This gave me hope.
I had the fire lit. Burton lit it, everyone else was out.
Of course the crowd has prevented her returning. There would be greatdifficulty in getting back from Auteuil.
Some of the fellows of the Supreme War Council rang up. They were lessexhilarated by the news. A pity, they thought. Foch could have enteredBerlin in a week!
At last, when I had been pacing like a restless tiger, and twilight wascoming, I sank into my chair overcome with the strain.
I did not mean to feel the drivel of self pity, but it is a ghastlything to be all alone and anxious, when everyone else is shouting forjoy.
I was staring into the fire. I had not had the lights lit on purpose. Iwanted the soft shadows to soothe me. Burton had gone down again to the_concierge_.
A bitterness and a melancholy I cannot describe was holding me. Of whatgood my leg and my eye if I am to suffer torment once more? A sense offorsakenness held me. Perhaps I dozed, because I was worn out, whensuddenly I was conscious of a closing door, and opening my eye, I sawthat Alathea stood before me.
A log fell and blazed brightly, and I could see that her face wasgreatly moved.
"I am so sorry if you have been anxious.--Burton says you have. I wouldhave been back earlier but I was caught in the crowd."
I reached out and turned on the lamp near me, and when she saw my eyeand leg, she fell upon her knees at my side.
"Oh! Nicholas," she cried brokenly, and I put out my hand and took herhand.
* * * * *
What a thing is joy!
My heart beat madly, the blood rushed in my veins. What was that noise Iheard in my ear beyond the shouting in the street?
Was it the cooing which used to haunt my dreams?
Yes it was. And Alathea's voice was murmuring in French:
"_Pardon, pardon, j' etais si bien ingrate--Pardonnez moi--Hein?_"
I wanted to whisper:
"Darling you have returned,--nothing matters any more," but I controlledmyself. She must finally surrender first!
Then she sprang to her feet and stood back to look at me. I rose too andthere towered above her.
"Oh, I am so glad, so glad," she said tremulously. "How wonderful,--howmiraculous!--It is for this great day!"
"I thought that you had left me altogether." I was a little breathless,"I was so very sad."
Now she looked down.
"Nicholas," (how I loved to hear her pronounce my name) "Nicholas, Ihave heard from my mother of your great generosity. You had helped uswithout ever telling me, and then paid again to stop my mother'sanxiety, and again to stop mine. Oh! I am ashamed,--humbled, that I havebeen as I have been to you, forgive me, forgive me, I ask you to from myheart."
"I have nothing to forgive child. Come let us sit down and talkeverything over," and I sank into the sofa and she came beside me.
She would not look at me, however, but her little face was gentle andshy. "I cannot understand though why you did all that. I cannotunderstand anything about it all.--You do not love me.--You only wantedme for your secretary, and yet you paid over a hundred thousand francs!The generosity is great."
I gazed and gazed at her.
"And you hate me," I said as coolly as I could "and let me buy you, sothat you could save your family.--Your sacrifice was immense."
Suddenly she looked straight up at me, her eyes filled with passion, sothat wild fire kindled in my blood.
"Nicholas,--I do not hate you."
I took both her hands and drew her to me, while outside in the streetthey were singing the _Marseillaise_ and yelling for joy.
"Alathea, tell me the truth, what then do you feel?"
"I don't know. I wanted to murder Suzette. I could have drownedCoralie.--Perhaps you can tell me,--here in your arms--!"
And with wild abandon she fell forward into my fond embrace.
Ah! God! The bliss of the next few moments with her soft lips pressed tomine! Then I could not repeat often enough that I loved her, nor makeher tell me how she loved me in return!
Afterwards, I grew masterful and ordered her to recount to me everythingfrom the very beginning.
Yes, she had been attracted by me from the first day, but she hated thefriends I had round me, and she did not like the aimlessness of my life.
"Whenever I used to be growing too contemptuous though, Nicholas, I usedto remember the V.C., and then the feeling went off, but I was growingangrier and angrier with myself, because in spite of believing you onlythought of me as one of them, I could not prevent myself from lovingyou. There is something about you that made one forget all about yourleg and your eye!"
"Those cheques disgusted you!" and I kissed the little curl by herear--she was clasped close to me now.--"That was the beginning of mydetermination to conquer you and have you for my own!"
She caressed my hair.
"I adore thick hair, Nicholas," she whispered, "but now you have hadenough flattery! I am off to dress!"
She struggled and pretended she wanted to leave me, but I would not lether go.
"Only when I please and at a price! I want to show you that you have ahusband who in spite of a wooden leg and a glass eye, is a powerfulbrute!"
"I love you,--strong like that," she cooed, her eyes soft with passionagain. "I am not good really,--or austere,--or cold."
And I knew it was true as she paid the toll!
Presently I made her let me come and choose which frock she was to puton for dinner, and I insisted that I should stay and see her hair beingbrushed, and the maid, Henriette, with her French eye, beamed upon usunderstandingly!
While Burton almost blubbered with happiness when I told him HisLadyship and I were friends again.
"I knew it, Sir Nicholas, if you'd just made a fuss of her."
How right he was!
What a dinner we had, gay as two children, fond and foolish assweethearts always are,--and then the afterwards!
"Let us go and see the streets," my little love implored, "I feel thatwe should shout our divine happiness with the crowd!"
But when we went out on the balcony to investigate, we saw that would beimpossible, I am not yet steady enough on my feet to have faced thatthrong. So we stood there and sang and cheered with them, as they swepton towards the _Arc de Triomphe_, and gradually a delirious intoxicationheld us both, and I drew her back into the softly lighted room.
"Lover!" she whispered as she melted into my arms, and all I answeredwas, "Soul of Mine."
And now I know what the whole of those verses mean!
And so this Journal is done!
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