Sin & Secrets

by Skyla Madi

  “You’re having a panic attack,” she says in a sweet reassuring tone, her thin arms still outstretched. “I need you to calm your breathing. Everything is okay.”

  I don’t need talking and I don’t need reassurance. I need space. I need to be alone. I don’t want her to see me like this.

  “Go!” I snap and she jumps back.

  “No. Not when you need hel—”

  I grit my teeth, letting the next few words grind out. “I don’t need your help. I don’t need anyone’s help!”

  I don’t have time to let her flinch send me on a guilt trip. Instead, I slide down the wall, the concrete lifting my shirt and digging into my skin. It cuts me, but I feel no pain. Only release.

  Only peace.

  By the time my ass connects with the floor, she’s gone and I’m all alone.

  Story of my fucking life.

  Bending my legs, I drop my head onto my knees. I wondered when the stress of it all was going to catch up with me. I’ve noticed bits of me cracking lately—yesterday my anger with Emily and now this? What’s next?

  They weren’t kidding when they said revenge is cancerous. It’s wearing me down by the minute and I know it’s not healthy, but I can’t let this go. I can’t let him go. I need Joel because I can’t do it anymore. I can’t.

  Two years ago I set upon my road to revenge when Joel disappeared and left me to look after Jessica, our sixteen year old sister. Growing up, home life was perfect. We were a real family, a family who loved each other and looked out for each other. Then, one night, it all fell to shit. Jacqueline, my eldest sister, was never a ‘right side of the tracks kind of girl’. She lived fast, but partied harder, and it all caught up with her eventually.

  There was an abandoned complex on the other side of the town we grew up in. It was a known spot for raves and parties, and most of them were allowed to rage through the night if you paid the officials the right amount of cash. The majority of the families in our town were loaded, so the ‘right’ amount of cash was always exactly that.

  Right.

  Jacqueline was a known party girl. She knew which booze was best, which cigarettes were the smoothest and which drugs made you feel invincible for the longest. She also knew calculus as well as ancient history, and could win any debate you engaged her in...but those things never won over a good time, and that’s all Jacqueline wanted.

  Once she hit twenty-one, my parents gave up on her. They stopped lecturing her and started ignoring her instead. They still loved her whole-heartedly, but they were just tired of it. They wanted her to learn for herself and she didn’t mind it; in fact, she preferred it.

  I still remember the night it all turned to shit. I was sixteen and lying on the living room floor watching a re-run of Dragon Ball Z after spending the afternoon at my kick boxing class. Goku was in the middle of a Kamehameha when Mom got the phone call.

  Her breath hitched. That’s what caught my attention. I rolled onto my stomach and watched her. Her face, usually smooth and youthful, was contorted into a look of horror that penetrated me right to my intestines. Her usual wavy black hair suddenly seemed flatter and the vibrant blue in her eyes darkened as they became wet with tears.

  “I don’t understand.”

  Her eyes were on me, but she wasn’t looking at me.

  “Overdose?” The tears spilled. “Are you sure it’s my Jackie?”

  A second later she dropped the phone. The handset crashed to the floor and she screeched for my father to grab the car keys. Joel appeared first, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

  “Stop screaming, Ma. You didn’t miss this month’s issue of Cosmo. I saw it on the shelves when I went to the gas station this morning.”

  Mom turned to Joel, her long, blue skirt swishing around her feet.

  When he saw her puffy eyes and messy hair, his demeanor changed from tired to alert. “Mom?”

  “I need you to watch Jai and Jessica.”

  Towering over her, he reached out and gripped her shoulders. I watched, confused, as Mom’s tiny frame trembled. She spoke in a low tone, a tone I couldn’t hear over Goku’s ‘powering up’ sound effects, and it wasn’t until I saw Joel’s heartbreak in his dark, chocolate eyes that I realized something was horribly wrong.

  “What is it?” Dad asked as he slipped into the room, keys in hand. He straightened his tan sweater, adjusting the collar until it sat flush against the back of his neck.

  Mom pulled away from Joel who’d dropped his stare to the floor. There was a vacant look on his face and I didn’t like it. Not at all.

  “It’s Jacqueline.” She managed to squeeze out before sobs overwhelmed her. “She’s in hospital.”

  Everything was a blur after that. I remember Joel cooking Macaroni Cheese dinners for me and Jessica, who was only eleven at the time. I remember him trying desperately to be positive, doing everything with a forced smile, but it didn’t matter because I could feel his distress. It was eleven p.m. when the phone rang again. Jessica was fast asleep, but Joel and I sat in the lounge, watching a movie without actually watching a movie. He answered quickly, his fist clenched at his side. “Hello?”

  His brows were furrowed as he listened intently. When they curved out and his bottom lip began to tremble, I knew it wasn’t the phone call he was expecting—that I was praying for. He didn’t speak. For five long, torturous minutes he didn’t make a sound. When he finally did, he exploded. I jumped out of my seat, my heart slamming into my chest as he leaped from his chair and tore the phone out of its socket. The armchair he was sitting on was next to go. I hid against the wall by the bookcase as he smashed frames, broke ornaments and tore books in half. Tears welled in my eyes and I didn’t know what to do. So I watched. And it was fucking painful. I always looked up to my brother. He was my idol; the strongest man I knew, and there he was, breaking in front of me. I didn’t think it was possible, but it seems even the strongest people can break like glass.

  When the living room was in shambles and Joel was a still mass in the center of it all, I finally asked; “What is it?”

  “Jacqueline’s...dead.” He simply said.

  I swallowed hard, suppressing the sharp pain in my chest.

  “And Mom and Dad—” his voice broke and my lips began to tremble. “Mom and Dad crashed their car on the way there. They—”

  Joel sobbed, cradling his head in his hands. My heart bled, my lungs tightened. Tears began to wet my cheeks one after the other as my knees buckled. I could feel my world deteriorating by the second, and I didn’t know how to stop it.

  At some point, my ass hit the floor and Joel finally lifted his head. His eyes were red rimmed and puffy, much like mine. It didn’t matter if he finished what he wanted to say or not. I knew the answer. I was already crying.

  “None of them made it, Jai. It’s just us three.”

  And it was.

  Since Joel was old enough, he took care of my younger sister and me. For years he stepped in as our care-giver and didn’t complain. Not even once. I admired my older brother long before the events that claimed the lives of three of my family members, but the day he stepped up and put his life on hold for Jessica and me...well, there are no words. He wasn’t always happy, however. I could see it in the way his stare drowned in his black coffee every morning. You see, he had an unhealthy obsession with tracking down whoever had sold Jacqueline the drugs. It ate him up, consumed him from the inside out. For ten months he launched his own investigation into Jacqueline’s death and had, eventually, tracked down the dealer. Later, Joel told me the man who’d given Jacqueline the drugs was extremely hard to find. Everyone had refused to talk about him. They were too terrified to drop his name, but that didn’t stop Joel. After asking the right questions and following the right leads, he had found the dealer; and when he found the dealer, his course of action had changed. He’d begun with hours and hours of computer research, followed by mixed martial arts classes. Whenever he wasn’t training he was eating and sleeping. In a few short mon
ths he’d transformed himself completely. His slightly doughy frame had become lean, cut and fucking terrifying. It was inspiring.

  By the time Joel disappeared, I was out of high school and was able to look after Jessica on my own. For two years I was her parental figure. For two torturous years I dealt with her, while she blamed me for everything, but that’s not what drove me to the edge of insanity. She started staying out late, partying, drinking—following the shady path Jacqueline did. I was losing my mind and I needed help. I needed Joel’s help. So, one fateful night, I broke into his files and found all of his research—discovered his obsession with a man named ‘Skull’. According to Joel, Skull was responsible for Jacqueline’s death. He gave her the drug that ended it all. It was a ‘trial’ on a new drug he was working on. The drug was laced with a million and one different chemicals—chemicals I couldn’t even begin to pronounce. Combined, it was too much for her small body and it killed her.

  Once he had a name, there was no stopping Joel. He wanted to kill Skull, and the only way to do that was to join his little underground club. Of course, not just anybody could show up. He had to climb the ranks in the underground circuit to gain attention. Once he achieved that, Skull invited him to his secret underground ring and that was it. Once you’re in. You’re in.

  For two years I trained. For two years I fought my ass off, and looked after my younger sister. I won’t let it be for nothing.

  Now I’m here.

  Now Joel’s obsession is my obsession.

  And nothing will deter me from my goal.

  Invasion

  Emily

  I drag my feet, not wanting to get back to the room too quickly. I clench the sock filled with goodies in my hand while running my tongue over smooth, minty teeth. The toothpaste couldn’t have come at a better time.

  I keep my head down, allowing my wet hair to hang in my face and I inhale it. I don’t know what kind of scent ‘for long, oily hair’ is, but it smells amazing. A small smile tugs at the corners of my lips as the fresh smell inflates my lungs. It was awfully nice of Jai to buy me toiletries, but I can’t help but wonder what persuaded him to do it. He said it was a peace offering, but I’m not so sure. I shake my head. I could be reading too much into it. Either he likes me, or my smell was becoming too overbearing for our little nook.

  I glance up and push my hair out of my face. Seven feet ahead of me is the entrance to my room. My stomach drops and I slow even more.

  Guilt?

  Yep.

  I’m pretty sure that heavy, sick-inducing feeling in my tummy is guilt. Why couldn’t I’ve kept my mouth shut? Why’d I have to insinuate his brother is dead? His brother, Joel, obviously means a lot to him. He can’t bear the thought of his death. It’s interesting to witness. I’ve never been that attached to anyone. I don’t know what love for a sibling feels like. It’s always been me. Just me.

  Alone.

  I suck in the warm, stale air then exhale it. What if he doesn’t want me back yet? What if he’s not ready to talk? The least I can do is offer an ear, and if he doesn’t want it, then he doesn’t want it. Simple. I’d be a shitty friend if I pretend his breakdown didn’t happen at all.

  I peer around the cracked, blackened concrete of the entrance. When I see him sitting against the wall, his head on his knees, shielded by his arms I almost pull back and turn around. Even at his most vulnerable he’s intimidating.

  “Hey.” The word tumbles from my mouth before my brain has a chance to think it.

  It’s too late to back down now.

  He doesn’t look up. He doesn’t say a word. With a sigh, I dump the sock on the bed and sit down beside him. My brain still throbs in my skull and my stomach continues to churn, but I ignore it. I don’t know how long we sit in silence for. Countless people walk by, judging and whispering, but Jai doesn’t budge. Like stone, he remains still.

  “Sorry.” He murmurs after a small while passes.

  I pull my knees into my chest and rest the side of my head on my knees. “Sorry? What for?”

  “For freaking out.” He turns his head so I can see his face.

  His eyes aren’t red and his skin isn’t blotchy. He’s the perfect picture of calm. When I cry, it takes hours for my puffiness to go away. I wonder if Jai even cries at all.

  “I’ve never...I’m not...I don’t usually...”

  “It’s okay,” I tell him, my lips twitching. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me.”

  Relief lights his eyes, right before they plummet back into darkness. He shakes his head. “No, I do. We’re in this together, right?”

  Are we? If we weren’t ten seconds ago, we definitely are now. “Right.”

  Jai inhales and blows the air out of his cheeks. “Skull is responsible for the death of Jacqueline, my older sister.”

  I frown. “Jacqueline? Wait. I thought this whole thing is about Joel?”

  He nods, raking his fingers through his hair. “It is, but it begins with Jacqueline.”

  And it does. He starts at the beginning, with Jacqueline, and finishes with him and his little sister, Jessica. He doesn’t make eye contact as he explains the details that forced him down here, but our eyes don’t have to meet for me to see his pain. It’s on his face, in the way his eyebrows draw together and his teeth grit. It’s in the way his fists clench and unclench, the way his voice changes in pitch. He’s hurting, and he has been for a very long time.

  “I had no idea...” I whisper when he’s finished.

  No wonder he’s so hung up on Skull. Though he didn’t force Jai’s sister to take the drug, he had offered it, and it resulted in not only the death of his sister, but it created the events that led to his parent’s car accident, and Joel leaving them to enact his revenge.

  Jai’s lost so much. His sister, his parents, his brother...I guess, in the grand scheme of things, I’m lucky I have no one. I can’t hurt over something I’ve never had.

  He lifts his stare to mine, slightly angling his face. I don’t realize how close I’m leaning toward him until then. His blue irises flick over my face.

  “How was your shower?”

  “You tell me.” I lean in, pulling my hair to the side and offering him my neck. “Do I still smell like a Russian cab?”

  I don’t remember much about last night, but the Russian cab line I do remember. I’d have taken offense, too, if he wasn’t so right. In the next heartbeat, his warm breath skitters over the surface of my throat, freezing me in place and sending shivers vibrating down my spine. He inhales and a long, painful second later, he pulls back an inch, but the inch isn’t enough space. My heart still pumps painfully in my chest.

  I swallow. “Well?”

  His gaze drops to my lips and lightning shoots up my veins. I’m spellbound by the way his pupils have darkened, and the way he’s staring at me. If he doesn’t kiss me to ease the tension building inside me I will implode.

  “You smell good.”

  A sentence like that shouldn’t sound as good as it does. His words are music to my ears and crack to my hormones. It’s no secret I’m sexually attracted to Jai. What woman wouldn’t be? He’s six or so feet of thick muscle with calming ocean blue eyes, and a head of soft, jet black hair. He’s fresh from the front page of a men’s fitness magazine—the kind of good-looking reserved only for celebrities.

  “I should hope so. It’d be an extreme waste of your money otherwise.”

  A beautiful smile cracks his lips, but he doesn’t distance them from mine. I like it when he smiles. I like it more when he kisses me.

  “Also, that’s a creepy thing to say,” I lie, my voice unconvincingly low.

  His smile deepens, flashing his white teeth. “Says little Miss Stare-at-you-while-you’re-sleeping.”

  I laugh and I’m shocked it’s a genuine laugh. In total, I’ve probably only heard it three or four times throughout my life. It sounds completely different in comparison to my fake laugh. It feels different too. Who knew laughing could be so ther
apeutic?

  Jai lets his head rest against the uneven wall, taking my hopes for a kiss with him. “You’re not so bad, you know.”

  I scoff. “Not so bad? Gee thanks.”

  He nudges me with his shoulder. “I’m not talking about your looks. You’re beautiful, obviously. You don’t need me to tell you that. I’m referring to your personality. I thought it was going to suck being stuck down here with you—especially when you started crying the first few minutes in—but it turned out okay. I like having you around.”

  I smile and glance at my hands as I nervously thread my fingers together. “Thanks. Though I do wonder if we’d be friends if we had met under different circumstances…”

  He laughs once. “Not a chance.”

  I look at him. “Why?”

  Jai looks me dead in the eyes, his face serious. “Because I’m not friends with women I’m attracted to. It creates too many problems.”

  I open my mouth to ask him what exactly he finds attractive about me, but a distinct clear of a throat stops me. It’s probably a good thing. I’d only deny everything he said anyway. I’m a girl. It’s what we do.

  When I look up, I regret feeling relieved for the intrusion. My heart skips a beat. My smile drops from my face. It’s one of Skull’s men, looking smug as he dips his hands into the pockets of his pressed black slacks.

  “Busy?” he asks, though I know it’s not a question.

  Beside me Jai tenses, his hatred billowing off him in fretful waves. I shake my head.

  “Good. Skull wants to see you.”

  ***

  I hate it. Everything. I hate the feel of the concrete beneath my feet as I stand outside Skull’s little service door. I hate the way my heart slams into my ribcage in fear of a single man, and I hate that I know everything he did to Jai and his family. Ignorance was bliss…but now I can’t detach myself. I can’t ignore it. Come hell or high water, Skull won’t receive my help. By the end of round two, what will it matter? He’ll see I’m a fake. Then I’m dead anyway.