“Dr. Carmichael—” she sputtered, not sure how to respond to the emotion that danced between them.
“Back to Dr. Carmichael again? Do you call all your friends by their last name?”
“You’ve been Dr. Carmichael for—”
“Way too long. Now, what’s it going to be? Italian? Thai? Steak? I’m taking you for supper, so it might as well be something you love.”
Anna smoothed her hands over unruly curls and pulled at her oversized sweatshirt. She looked and felt like a day-old soda.
“I can’t go out! Look at me. I didn’t even shower after my run.”
“Go take a shower. I’m not in a rush.”
He walked back into her living room and plopped down on the couch. “Take your time.”
Matt stretched out on the sofa and closed his eyes. He had won the battle, and she was going to eat. But fear of a whole different kind spiraled inside his head.
Friendship was a dangerous game to play. He had rationalized that he would concentrate on only being a friend, but could he?
In the past, she’d often brought up the subject of God when randomly talking about the challenges both she and Steven faced and believed he would give the strength she needed. But the way she looked today—like a scared waif that the wind could pick up and carry away—worried him. There was little wonder why her sister had called.
Though he had often reminded himself that emotions were for the weak and illogical, all it took was a thought of her sparkling black eyes and full red lips to run through his mind, and he was lost. Before he could stop, his imagination took him to where her thick, dark curls were given freedom from the clasp at the nape of her neck and his lips were lowered to hers.
It did not help to remind himself of the years spent on his education specializing in the love of his life—medicine—nor reflect upon the reputation he’d built as both a medical and surgical oncologist. He could daily tell himself, Matt don’t be a fool. Medicine you understand. Medicine you live for. Medicine is where you excel. Then immediately slip back into daydreams of her far away from reason.
After watching his parent’s tortured relationship, he vowed never to repeat that kind of insanity. Love and companionship came at too heavy a price. To prove his point, all he had to do was look into the lives of his colleagues. Far too many had their careers sidelined due to irrational affairs and domestic problems. He had never wanted, nor needed, the complication of love. There was no such thing as fairytale romances or true love, was there?
But try as he might to thwart all lack of reason, Anna had him thinking differently with a craving for something undefined. She had crept into his thoughts uninvited, and since Steven was gone, they had reached epidemic proportion. The safe and proper wall of friendship had crumbled, and his mind sprouted doors and windows that beckoned him into a world of much more. He had stayed away from her this past month with disciplined purpose and rued the fact her sister had called him.
Determined to eradicate thoughts of her and him, thoughts of them as a couple, thoughts of her in his arms, he came today to prove to himself that he could control such madness, but instead, faced the one word he never entertained when dealing with women. Failure.
Logic usually worked like a charm, so he reminded himself that she had just lost her husband and was a grieving widow. And if that was not enough, then the fact that she had two grown children and a belief structure he could not fathom should seal the deal. It did not.
Why did he feel the need to protect Anna? Why did the mere thought of her destroy that one thing he had always been able to control—his emotions? Why the startling surge, thrum, and kick of his sorry heart every time she came into view?
Thoughts of a snooze flew out the window. Agitation pushed in. Matt felt all too human for his liking. The sound of water splashed into his troubled thoughts as the shower turned on, and he instantly longed to join her. A colorful word slipped from his lips, one he knew she wouldn’t approve of.
With a degree of willpower never before exercised, he squeezed his eyes shut and practiced deep breathing, with his mind focused on a difficult medical procedure he needed to perform the next day. Sleep thankfully followed.
Anna stayed extra-long in the shower. The steady heat of beaded water relaxed her shoulders. She smoothed her hands over the knot in the small of her back.
A rare flicker of something akin to excitement fluttered within as she contemplated a meal out with Matt. When was the last time she dined out? She’d had invitations, but she had rarely ventured far with Steven’s illness.
She smiled ever so briefly into the mirror as she tried to calm the unruly curls that cascaded around her face and down her back. Unable to tame the riotous mane, she gave up on the blow-drying and fastened the still-damp hair with a decorative clasp. A few errant tendrils worked free. She sighed, deeply annoyed that they had a life of their own.
After putting on the scantest amount of makeup, she took one last glance into the bathroom mirror. The large dark circles that shadowed her eyes were far from attractive. She patted a light powder then shook her head. There was no makeup that could hide her life’s recipe of late: hold the sleep, a sprinkle of nutrition, add a generous dollop of stress.
With a deep shrug, she headed down the hall.
“Matt?”
A gentle nudge of his shoulder and the whisper of her voice brought a sleepy smile to his face. What was he thinking?
He opened his eyes lazily, and an unguarded gaze of admiration swept over her before he successfully masked his expression.
A tender sensation tickled her senses and sent a warm flush to her cheeks.
“Man, I really crashed.” He raked a hand through his hair and rose to his feet.
“That’s my fault. You said to take my time, and that’s exactly what I did. It’s been over an hour.”
“Well then, with that kind of time, you must’ve come up with an idea for supper.”
“Honestly, I love Japanese take out. But that would defeat the purpose of getting ready to go out, now wouldn’t it?”
He smoothed his hands over the five o’clock shadow on his chin. “With all that’s gone on, you’re probably weary to the bone. Let’s go for a drive first and get you out of here for a change of scenery. Then I know an awesome place for the best Japanese take out. We can bring it back here to eat.”
She clapped her hands as a genuine smile split across her face. “You read my mind. I’d love that.”
“On one condition,” he paused. “You have to promise to eat.”
She crossed her heart. “I promise.”
“Irasshaimase.” Anna bowed to him and waved her hand to the prepared area she had created in her living room. “That means welcome, please come in.”
Matt’s eyes widened, but he followed.
“Off with the shoes, Doctor.” She forced a smile and with conscious effort curled the edges of her mouth up. For a moment in time she was determined to rise above her circumstances. She kicked her shoes free and plopped to the floor.
“Japanese food is meant to be consumed sitting on pillows around a low table in true Zashiki style, but this coffee table will have to do.”
“I thought you told me you rarely traveled.”
“My circumstances may have dictated lack of experience but trust me when I say I’m well read and have a vivid imagination. Now, when I attempt to eat with these chopsticks, you’ll see firsthand what I mean.”
She fumbled with the grip and sent a prawn flying his way. He laughed.
“I warned you.”
“Two second rule.” He picked the prawn off the table and popped it in his mouth.
The banter lasted a few more moments before her appetite waned, and she pushed the food around on her plate. Though she tried hard to focus on conversation, the edges of sadness folded in. She shifted to find comfort a
nd propped a pillow behind her back. That all too familiar knot of tension twisted and settled into place.
She was annoyed at how he kept trying to bring the conversation back around to how she was doing, how she felt, if she was sleeping. Like a wagon train at night, she placed his questions outside the circle of safety and kept the conversation on—the weather, current events, his work—anything but her.
The minute he finished his meal, he jumped to his feet and removed the plates. “Relax.” He waved her over to the couch as she rose to help. “I’ll get these and be right back.”
Rather than grab his coat as she had hoped, he seated himself beside her and turned her way.
“What’s it like to work—”
Matt held up his hand. “Please. I don’t want to talk about my work, myself, or anything else for that matter. I’m truly concerned about you.”
She exhaled deeply. Defeated and distressed.
“I hope you feel comfortable enough with me by now to tell me how you’re really doing?”
She turned from his intense stare.
“Every time I steer the conversation in your direction, you change the subject and ask about the weather or something equally irritating.”
Unwanted tears pooled precariously on the edges of her lashes. All it took was for one to break free and roll down her cheek and the rush started.
He leaned toward her. She stilled him with an outstretched hand and rose swiftly to her feet. She headed to the kitchen island where she knew a box of tissues sat and grabbed a handful. She buried her head in a mountain of tissues as the stream of tears became a river.
“You want the truth? Fine.” With an angry sweep, she brushed the continual flow of tears from her flushed cheeks.
“I’m a thirty-nine-year-old woman with no skill sets who needs to find a job. I can’t rely on the generosity of my late husband’s parents forever. The best years of my life were devoted to a sick husband and two growing boys, but now everything that gave me purpose is gone. Gone.”
“What about your parents?”
She felt the blood siphon from her face. Her heart still tightened at the thought. “I lost them both in a car crash when I was twelve. Sadness and tragedy seem to find me.”
She paced back and forth wringing the tissue into shreds. “And I’m tired of these blasted tears … they just keep falling. The quiet in this house closes in to the point I feel like it’s choking me.” She placed a hand to her throat. “To be honest, Matt, I’ve been lonely for a long, long time.” She sank onto the bar stool and buried her head in her hands. “I’m so alone I could disappear for days and no one would notice.”
Her cheeks grew hot at the thought of what her tirade had just divulged. What was it about this man that made her spill her soul?
She stiffened as she felt him place a hand on her shoulder and swivel the stool toward him.
“Please go. I don’t know why I told you all of this. I didn’t mean to dump my problems on you.” Her eyes flickered up, then quickly down. “I guess it’s because you’re the first person who cared enough to demand an answer.”
“Anna.” His breath came out in a whisper as he bent toward her. “I do care.” He pulled her to her feet and enveloped her in the warmth of a hug.
It had been a long time since she’d felt the strong protective strength of a man. Her head slowly relaxed upon his shoulder, and she soaked in the embrace. One hand gently cradled the back of her head as he whispered words of comfort.
“You’re not alone. I’m here.”
She closed her eyes and allowed the tears to subside. Raw awareness took over.
His hug became alive with movement as his other hand ran up and down her spine in a soothing motion. Her breath caught as he caressed his fingers through her long hair. Delightful. Delicious. Dangerous.
Warning bells rang out, but she willfully stilled their clamor. She was not about to let go.
The heat of his breath tickled her neck as her hair clip dropped to the floor. He buried his face in the thickness of her hair and then cut a path across her neck with his lips. A groan slipped from his throat as she bent her head back enjoying the sensation of warm lips against her skin. That sound triggered long forgotten pleasure, and before she realized what she was doing, her arms slipped around him, and she gave as much as she received.
He came to life in her arms with a vibrancy she had not felt beneath her fingertips in years.
“Anna,” he whispered into her hair.
She pressed closer. A deep sigh of contentment slipped from her lips as she turned into his neck and began to nuzzle closer. The sharp intake of his breath caused excitement to spike.
A trail of kisses from her forehead down brought his lips dangerously close to hers. He pulled back, a question in his eyes.
She wound her hands tightly into his hair and pulled his mouth to meet hers. The sensation of his lips on hers created a hunger that one kiss was not about to satiate. She was lost in the loveliness.
Their breathing roughened. Kiss for kiss, she matched his intensity with a passion and need long since buried. She could feel his taut muscles shiver beneath the splay of her fingers up his spine. The sheer power of his reaction reawakened that which had been denied for way too long. She no longer felt like a mother, nursemaid, or housewife but a desirable woman who ached to be touched.
A tremble skittered down her backbone as his hands became hot, needy, and dangerously out of control. They were edging close to that place of no return. Her need for comfort had ignited into desire, and desire flared into an inferno about to consume.
“I can’t, we can’t—” His breath ran ragged as his mouth tore from hers. “As much as I want to—”
“Matt—”
“God knows I want to Anna … but not now … not yet. I need to go.”
Her words turned the blaze between them into a firestorm. “I need you,” she whispered pressing hard against him. “Don’t go!” she pleaded. “Stay with me.”
He hesitated. Then swung her into his strong arms.
She rained kisses all over his neck and pointed to the bedroom at the end of the hall. They collapsed on the bed in a tangle of urgency. His mouth crushed against hers.
Everything but pleasure faded.
The walk between floors and down sterile whitewashed halls from patient to patient gave Matt plenty of time to think. He was not sorry. The time they had shared had been one of most incredible nights of his entire life. Consumed with thoughts of her in bed next to him, he knew his attraction to her was beyond hope. She had no idea how he had refused to sleep, not wanting to waste a moment. He had pulled her onto his lap and sat up so he could drink in her loveliness as she slept. Their passionate night together was all he could think about.
He whistled a tune, as he pressed the elevator button for the fourth floor.
“Whatever you’re on, I want some too,” a colleague quipped as he hurried on by.
Matt tried to wash the grin off his face as he stepped into the elevator but couldn’t. He loved her. That emotion he had mocked in others now enveloped his heart and left him feeling vulnerable but, oh, so alive. No other woman had come close to evoking the bittersweet torment of Anna. She was under his skin. In his blood. Stamped on his heart.
He stepped into the busy fray and scratched his head. Where was I headed?
The head nurse on the ward lost no time in refreshing him. “Dr. Carmichael, we need you in 303 stat.”
Matt hurried in her direction.
A few hours later, he stepped outside for a break. The biting January air whipped down his coat collar, but he didn’t care. He needed to clear his head. He fumbled in his pockets for his gloves and wrapped his scarf around his neck. Picking up speed, he headed in the direction of the lake. He had just enough time to walk the loop and enjoy a moment at the water’s edge before headin
g back. He sucked the frigid air deep into his lungs. Clean air. Clear head. That was the way it had always worked. Not anymore.
Thoughts of Anna dominated his mind.
The only thing he regretted was his timing. Logic and reason had disintegrated in the heat of that fateful moment. A hunger for which no word existed had consumed him. For the first time in his life, he experienced what it meant to make love to a woman. It was so different than the mere physical reactions he had experienced in the past.
Though he had planned to give her time to heal, grieve, and nurture their friendship, common sense had failed him. Her reaction had caught him off guard and clouded his thinking. Falling in love had changed everything. He found that control was no longer a wand he could willfully wave.
He smiled into the crisp winter air and chuckled out loud. “Who knew it could be like this?”
Anna groaned. The memory of Matt and their time together brought a hot flush to her cheeks and sorrow to her soul. A contrast of emotions volleyed for attention. Pleasure. Pain.
The pleasure—the thought of warm, loving arms holding her. Sweet caresses. Soft whispers. Stolen kisses, captured long into the night. His attention and passion had been intoxicating after years of loneliness.
The pain—knowing they were incompatible. Her ill-timed fall from grace. The thought of what others would think if they knew. Failure. Shame.
How could she have been so needy, so vulnerable, with no regard for her faith or possible consequence? Yet she knew, in that deepest darkest place, she would succumb again to his charm given the opportunity.
Spread across her bed, Anna cried out, “God, please forgive me. I’ve failed miserably, but you understand how lonely my life has been. Not only recently, but through all the years Steven cut me off as his wife. Surely you know how many sacrifices I’ve made for the well-being of others? That must count for something? Please, make this go away. Make these feelings go away. I’ll keep my distance from Matt, I promise.”
Anna's Secret Page 3
