Her betrayal cut deep. He had placed her on a pedestal, set her up as one to emulate, only to find that she was more fallible than he cared to admit. Pain clawed at his chest.
He slipped from the car and slammed both the car and house door and threw his car keys across the room.
He dropped his body to the couch and reminded himself to face this disappointment like all others—with logic and discipline—to act, not react.
Her world of pasted-on piety and people pleasing is about to end. And if she thinks for one moment I’m not going to be a dad to my child, she can think again.
Matt heard Isabella’s laughter in his mind as he thought of being a daddy and he was back there. Her giggle permeated the hospital floor as he rounded the corner into her room. Her eyes popped big and bright as she noticed Matt. “Doctor Matt, come see what Mama bought me.”
She held up a doll with big blue eyes just like hers. Matt could see that the hair had been cut back to show only a tuff of peach fuzz.
Isabella had a stethoscope around her neck and proceeded to go through the same motions Matt had done to her a million times.
“I’m a mama now. I have to be brave and strong to look after baby Destiny. She needs me.”
Matt reached up and wiped the tears from his eyes. That memory reminded him of what Isabella had taught him—something he had not known about himself—he wanted to be a dad. There was something very special about the unconditional love of a child, and now that gift lay before him. Nothing could keep him away.
As much as Matt’s initial reaction sent him reeling, he wasn’t a man given to anger. He hurt more than he cared to admit, but there was a piece of him that understood the fear and shame Anna would have faced, and his responsibility in the situation.
A sheer determination to know and love his baby set in. At thirty-five, where he had once thought the prospect of fatherhood lost to him due to other priorities, excitement flooded in. Sweet Isabella had changed everything. The joy that child had given him lit a fire within.
Even if Anna had nothing to do with him, she would have to get used to the fact that he was the father to her child, and nothing was going to stop him from being a loving father.
Matt had little time to lose. Anna was due in a matter of weeks, and he wanted to be present when that baby was born. He planned to hold his child in the first moments of life and never let go.
He climbed the steps to her front porch, rang the doorbell, and waited.
The door swung open, and the blood drained from Anna’s face. Her skin turned chalky white, yet her cheeks flamed red. Her lips parted but no words came out. He felt both sorry for her and vindicated all in one kaleidoscopic minute.
“Anna,” he said firmly. “I do believe we have a pressing matter to discuss.” Staring pointedly at her midsection, he entered without permission. He looked her squarely in the eyes, took the door from her white-knuckled hands and closed it. He moved across the foyer to the living room and took a seat.
She slowly followed and eased her body to the couch. Seated on the edge, rim rod straight, she clasped and unclasped her hands over her large abdomen.
He could see the sheen of sweat on her brow and the way she nibbled at her lower lip.
“Nice to see you again, Matt,” she said, as she placed one hand over the other to still the shake that had taken over her fingers.
“Actually, I think you’ve gone out of your way to avoid seeing me.”
“Why would you think that, Matt?”
“That’s our child you carry, Anna, and what I’d like to know is—when were you going to tell me?”
For a split second, the anguish in her eyes appeared bottomless until she arched her brows questioningly and pasted on her fake smile.
“Our baby, Matt? No, you misunderstand. It’s … it’s Steven’s.”
“Don’t lie to me, Anna. We both know only too well what condition Steven was in.”
“You don’t know anything.” She rose, indignation on her face. “Miracles happen,” she said pacing. “So, don’t come in here assuming you know what went on in our private life.”
He put his hand up. “Enough Anna.”
She spun around, and stopped.
“I’m positive the child you’re carrying is mine. I’d stake my life on it. There is, however, DNA testing if you want to carry on with this lie.
She turned and faced him. He could see the play of emotions flood across her face from anger—to fear—to a tired surrender.
A groan of despair slipped from her lips.
“Yes, Matt, the child is yours,” she whispered. She turned away and back again. “I was so scared and felt so ashamed. Now all I’ve done is make matters worse.” Her eyes stared blankly into the distance. Tears filled her eyes. One broke free and a stream followed.
“I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I’m sorry … so very sorry.” Her words subsided as great sobs racked her frame.
He stood, not sure what to do, and then threw caution to the wind and pulled her shaking form into his arms. They stood silently in the warmth of the other. He was careful not to draw her too close, and he could tell she was equally careful not to let him. The baby kicked. Matt felt the movement against his torso.
“Is that what I think it is?” He pulled back and looked down.
She nodded and reached out for his hand.
His heart slammed against his chest at the mere touch until she placed it firmly on her stomach. Movement danced beneath his splayed fingers. He laughed in delight.
“Wow, an active one.”
Their eyes met.
A giant knot caught in his throat. “Why didn’t you tell me, Anna? Didn’t you believe that I would help you? Didn’t you think I would care to know my own child?”
She shuddered, and moved apart.
“Oh Matt, it’s not you, it’s me! My life is so complicated. I … I never told the world that this baby was Steven’s, everyone just assumed it was. I was wrong to let them believe that lie, but I knew the truth would hurt my sons, my in-laws—”
“It didn’t matter that you hurt me?”
“Of course, it matters, but I thought you would never know. You … you have it all together. Your life is meaningful and career orientated. And you’ve shared countless times how much your work means to you. I … I didn’t want to burden you with my mistake.”
“Your mistake? First of all, there is no singular in this circumstance, we are responsible. Secondly, you may consider this pregnancy a mistake, but I do not. In fact, when I sat in your church on Sunday morning—” He was interrupted by her gasp.
“Yes, I was there, the fool that I am.
“Anyway, as I was saying—when I realized you were carrying our child, conceived in that one stolen night, I began to believe in your God. I actually thanked him for this miracle, until I heard the pastor pray for the safe delivery of Steven’s baby. Your deceit and betrayal hurt deeper than you’ll ever know.” A jagged pain stabbed in. He decided to leave before saying something he’d regret.
Anna carefully lowered her heavy body onto the couch and placed her hands over her face. Soft sobs filled the room.
“I’m going now. I’ll give you time to process. But I want you to know that I intend to be a father to our child, even if you don’t want me in your life.”
He walked toward the door. “This is not goodbye, Anna.”
Matt’s words had deservedly crushed Anna’s heart. She was a phony and a fraud, and she was pained beyond measure that her Christian witness had damaged Matt. Regret washed over her like acid rain eating into her soul. How had she allowed one lie feed into a million more?
That conversation with Rita flooded in. Day after day Anna knew Rita had prayed for disclosure, for freedom, for a softened heart. Rita’s work was done. Anna’s world, now shaken and turned upside down by inv
isible hands, left little room for anything but the truth.
Anna gave into the sorrow. It grew from the pit of her stomach and flowered in her throat. Great wrenching sobs worked up and out, as she crumbled in a ball upon the couch. She wanted to lay down and never get up. Had it not been for a persistent kick in her side that reminded her there was a reason to live, she would have given room for her depressive thoughts.
What have I done? If I thought my initial sin was hard to confess, what is everyone going to think now, after months of half-truths and outright lies?
There was only one person in the world she could talk to about this. After a good cry, she picked herself up off the couch and headed to the nursing home. She didn’t care if she arrived with blotchy makeup and red-rimmed eyes.
Huge tears rolled down Anna’s face the minute she closed the door to Rita’s room.
Rita motioned her over and hugged her close. “There, there, child, you’ll be all right. Talk to me, my dear, and together we’ll pray this through.”
Anna tried to speak through sobs and hitches. Bit by bit she revealed the story from beginning to end. Not once did Rita cringe, cluck in dismay, or show any form of condemnation. She nodded and kept a hold of Anna’s hand with an occasional squeeze.
When all was exposed, Rita bowed her head in prayer. “Lord, I ask only one thing, give Anna the courage she needs to do this your way.”
“Now you pray, Anna.” she encouraged.
Anna hadn’t been able to pray for months. Her scattered version of “please, God don’t let the world find out I’m a liar” had hit the ceiling and bounced right back to her.
“Oh, God, I’m sorry. I’ve messed up my life and hurt others by first my disobedience and then lies to cover my shame. Forgive me … forgive me, Father.”
As she prayed, Anna felt weight roll off her shoulders. The concrete brick of sin crumbled. Laughter spilled from her lips with tears mingled in the mix.
“Oh, Rita, how am I going to make this right without hurting so many people?”
Rita pulled her close and hung on for a long moment. When she drew back she admitted. “Confession doesn’t necessarily eliminate pain or hurt, but it’s always God’s way. Ask for forgiveness where forgiveness is needed, and leave the healing to the Lord.
“What you need to know is who you hurt the most, and work the list back from there. Do you understand what I’m encouraging?”
Anna thought for a moment. Different people flashed on the pages of her mind, her children, her sister, the pastor and his wife, her in-laws, the church body.
“The person you’ve wronged the most, dear child, is God! David said it best after his scandal with Bathsheba in Psalms 51:4. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight. And what he meant is that God was the most important relationship to set right, first and foremost. You’ve done that by your repentance today.
“Then secondly, the world would say you need to forgive yourself—”
“But, Rita, how can I ever forgive myself after what I’ve done?”
“My child, you can’t—that’s my point.” Rita smoothed her weathered hand gently down Anna’s face and rubbed a stream of tears away. “You don’t and can’t forgive yourself, that’s God’s job. Jesus died on the cross, so we know that work is finished. You have to accept God’s forgiveness, and that’s the hard part.
“You see, my dear, I know from experience. I, too, have a past that only God can forgive, and it took me years to let him. Don’t make my mistake. Don’t allow your soul to stay tied in knots because you somehow think you have to forgive yourself. If you don’t accept his forgiveness, you’ll never be able to accept his love. The two work together.”
Rita’s words rang true. Anna attempted a smile as she threw her arms around the old soul and hugged tight.
“I love you.”
“There, there dear child … you’re strangling me.” She pulled back, and they both laughed.
Rita cupped both sides of Anna’s face in her wrinkled hands. “I’ll sum it up for you, my dear Anna, start with accepting God’s forgiveness, and then ask forgiveness of Matt. After all, he’s your baby’s father, and a good relationship between parents is crucial for the child. The Lord will lead from there. Now let’s pray.”
Rita wore a smile as colorful as a rainbow after a storm. And when Anna gathered her purse and sweater and headed to the door, she was sure she heard Rita say, “Lord Jesus, am I done now, because I really want to see you?”
A few steps down the hall, Anna wheeled around and marched right back to Rita’s room. She opened the door and said firmly, “God said no.”
Rita’s loud cackle echoed down the hall.
For the first time in months, Anna could both pray and pick up her Bible without guilt. She scanned through the stories of God’s forgiveness wrapped from the beginning of time all through the sacred pages. The story of Adam and Eve unfolded in a new light. Their disobedience and then lies to cover the sin sounded much like her life in the past months. She read of David’s adultery, murder, and lies to cover the truth, and Peter’s lie of betrayal when Jesus was arrested. The stories had one reoccurring theme, sin, lies, forgiveness, and restoration.
But before she talked to others, she wanted to fully accept God’s forgiveness and acknowledge all. This meant a trip back to that night. Where she had previously stifled all memory, the Holy Spirit guided her toward complete honesty.
“Oh, Jesus, I wallowed in a pit of fear concerning my future. Instead of turning toward you, I turned to self-pity.
“I allowed Steven to become a distant man, rather than fight for more in our relationship. In truth, I protected my heart. All those close calls over the years left me emotionally exhausted.”
I know my child.
“By the time Steven passed away, I had cried so many tears for so many years, my grief was done. But oh, how I played the mournful wife card to perfection. Sympathy fed my soul until temptation brought something more powerful.
“I was angry, God, at the loss of Steven’s health and the life I imagined we would have together. I was ripe for the picking. Agitated. Angry. Alone. A perfect set-up for the perfect storm. That’s how Matt found me that night.”
Yes, my daughter, let truth in.
Anna’s hands fell over her face as a truth she had not previously allowed flooded through her mind.
“Oh, God, I opened my heart to Matt … before Steven died.” This admission burned a hole in her heart, and she dropped to her knees in humility.
“I looked forward to Matt’s attention like every other woman—attracted to his startling good looks—without a doubt.
“Though I never overtly gave free passage to these feelings, God, I opened the door to a friendship with a level of intimacy that should’ve been reserved for Steven. In truth, I had more connection with Matt most days than I did with Steven in a week.”
Anna felt the tears course down her cheeks, but stayed on her knees. There was more … much more.
“God, when Matt arrived that evening sporting a virile masculinity with warmth and compassion, I ate it up. Flesh and blood rather than faded memories … Yes, I loved the delight of pleasure and sensation I felt in his arms. I initiated that first kiss. My hands were the first to creep under his T-shirt and bring flesh against flesh.
“When Matt suggested we stop, and I felt the kick of his heart beneath my wandering fingertips, I reveled in the power of that moment. I pressed my body closer, and moved against him in a message of encouragement older than time. In truth, God, I let pleasure rule though your Spirit screamed out otherwise.”
Anna shuddered as a large piece of suppressed truth crashed in. Their time had not been just one passionate moment of unbridled passion. They had enjoyed a night together. The coupling of body, mind, and soul included words of endearment and sleep wrapped tight in
each other’s arms. Curled against him, they had slept until the first blush of dawn with morning kisses taking them away yet again. Anna’s cheeks burnt hot at the recollection.
The memory she constantly referred to in her mind as one act of indiscretion, in reality had been a decision on her part to make the most of their night together. Not once in her selfishness had she given thought to how her behavior would affect Matt. Her need, her want, was all that mattered. She had drunk fully from the cup of passion.
“Oh, God, I finally understand how that choice now brings pain for all involved. I’m not the only one affected. The fingers of my failure fan out and pull in Matt, my family, my friends, the church, but most importantly … you, Jesus.”
Anna could feel the sorrow sweep in like a thick wave. It picked her up and wrapped her in its folds. Does redemption truly cover all?
Yes, it does my child.
“Oh, God, you see all. You hear all. You know all. I openly confess to you what I couldn’t face a week ago when I prayed with Rita. Please take every dark corner, expose each lie, and renew a right spirit within me. Purify my soul and take these lips that have dripped lies and fill them with truth. Give me courage, oh Lord, to stand in the heat of disclosure, no matter how difficult my life may get. Thank you for your sacrifice, Jesus, so I can stand pure and forgiven before you no matter what people may say. Amen.”
Wrapped in a cocoon of peace, Anna rose from the floor and flopped onto her bed. She slept soundly that night for the first time in months.
Upon waking, one clear instruction from the Lord came to mind. She had to face Matt with the truth, admit her failure, and ask for his forgiveness. Every lie she told to him had to be revealed.
She was fully aware he might perceive the truth a gateway to relationship, but the Scripture clearly stated not to marry an unbeliever, and she was done with disobedience. Their two different worlds would not, and could not, mesh. She wouldn’t lead him on.
In a matter of weeks, she would have a baby who needed her complete attention, and she planned to keep this child her focus.
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