by Shannon Hale
© 2018 MARVEL
Cover illustration by Bruno Mangyoku
Hand lettering by Emma Trithart
Cover design by Maria Elias
All rights reserved. Published by Marvel Press, an imprint of Disney Book Group. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the publisher. For information address Marvel Press, 125 West End Avenue, New York, New York 10023.
Designed by Maria Elias
Squirrel illustrations by Bruno Mangyoku
Additional images © Shutterstock
ISBN 978-1-368-02451-8
Visit www.DisneyBooks.com
www.Marvel.com
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
1: Squirrel Girl
2: Doreen
3: Ana Sofía
4: Doreen
5: Shady Oaks/Listless Pines Community Friendbook Group
6: Doreen
7: Text Messages
8: Tippy-Toe
9: Squirrel Girl
10: Ana Sofía
11: Tippy-Toe
12: Baddit Forum
13: Doreen
14: Text Messages
15: Doreen
16: Squirrel Girl
17: Text Messages
18: Squirrel Girl
19: Squirrel Girl
20: E-mail
21: Shady Oaks/Listless Pines Community Friendbook Group
22: Tippy-Toe
23: Ana Sofía
24: Text Messages
25: Lizard Brain
26: Doreen
27: Ana Sofía
28: Squirrel Girl
29: Ana Sofía
30: Tippy-Toe
31: Squirrel Girl
32: Squirrel Girl
33: Ana Sofía
34: Doreen
Epilogue
Endnotes
Acknowledgments
For Max, who is very funny
The night was as cool as glass. Streetlamps cast orange cones of light onto the pavement, but everything in between them was darkness. Darkness so thick, you could gnaw on it.
Squirrel Girl perched atop a streetlamp, twelve feet above the quiet suburban street. Not the kind of place where you’d expect to run into a laser-blasting maniacal villain. Squirrel Girl’s bushy tail twitched. Her keen eyes raked the darkness for any sign of that dastardly ne’er-do-well.
Then her phone buzzed.
Finally! All this waiting was getting super-boring. She went for the phone, scooping it out of a pouch on her utility belt. But a bunch of loose cashews spilled out of the pouch, and she fumbled the phone.
“Dang it,” she said, diving headfirst off the streetlamp. She caught the cell just before it could crack against the sidewalk, twisting to land on her feet.
On her phone was a text from Ana Sofía Arcos Romero, her BHFF.1
ANA SOFÍA
Are you hidden?
Squirrel Girl checked her surroundings in a super-sleuthy sleuth way. She was standing directly under the streetlamp, orange light falling over her as bright as a fire.
She leaped up into the shadowy branches of an oak tree in someone’s front yard.
SQUIRREL GIRL
Yep of course I’m the most hiddenest. Soooo sleuthy. Very stakeout
ANA SOFÍA
Good cuz u know sometimes u forget to hide and the bad guys see u and no more element of surprise
SQUIRREL GIRL
Who me?
ANA SOFÍA
Anyway the Squirrel Scouts on the north end of the park saw Laser Lady going down Bungalow Row so she might be coming your way
SQUIRREL GIRL
Ooh is that what we’re calling her cuz i was thinking maybe Light Emitting Desperado? You know, cuz it would be LED? Or Smashlight maybe? Zap Mama?2
ANA SOFÍA
She kinda named herself already. In the way that she’s running around shouting I AM LASER LADY
SQUIRREL GIRL
Good way of making sure no one messes up your name
ANA SOFÍA
Maybe I should try it. Mr Hanks calls me Annie Sophie. The pain is real
SQUIRREL GIRL
I’m so on board with u walking into first period and shouting I AM LASER LADY and u know what that’s a pretty good name now that I think about it
A voice cut against the cool-as-glass night, sharp as a diamond. Squirrel Girl wasn’t sure if normal humans would be able to tell what the distant voice was saying, but her slightly-better-than-your-average-person’s hearing most definitely identified the words “I AM LASER LADY! FEAR ME!”
Squirrel Girl leaped from the treetop to the next one, and from there to a streetlamp, but the shouting faded. She sniffed the air but smelled no trail. In the next tree over, someone was waiting. A small, furry brown someone with a fetching pink bow tied around her neck. Tippy-Toe, her BSFF.3
“Chkkt-tik,” said Tippy-Toe.
“You got that right, Tip,” said Squirrel Girl, landing on the branch next to her. “Wandering around a neighborhood pointing lasers at people is super annoying. Laser Lady might hurt someone.”
“Chukka chik-chet.”
“Yeah, Laser Lady is a pretty cool name. Per usual, we agree in all things.”
Squirrel Girl lifted up her human fist. Tippy-Toe tapped it with the knuckles of her tiny squirrel fist.
A call began to ululate, growing louder and louder. A message was traveling down the chain of squirrels: Laser Lady had been spotted near the park. Tippy-Toe scurried up to perch on Squirrel Girl’s shoulder.
“It’s clambering time!” said Squirrel Girl as she clambered out of the tree and onto a roof. “Did you get that joke, Tip?”
Tippy-Toe shrugged.
“’Cause I was clambering?” said Squirrel Girl, who was in fact still clambering, this time up a chimney.
“Chkt-chikka kit coff,” Tippy-Toe said, which meant, “But clambering implies climbing in an awkward manner, and you’re much too graceful for that.”
“Aww,” said Squirrel Girl, as she jumped off a roof. “Your compliment really takes the sting out of my failed joke.”
And suddenly, there she was. The nemesis of the night. The hoodlum of the hood. The mysterious Laser Lady.
“Aha!” said Squirrel Girl, landing on the sidewalk directly in her path.
Laser Lady swerved her bicycle to miss Squirrel Girl. Because Laser Lady was riding one. A bicycle, that is. Squirrel Girl had never battled a villain on a bike before. Firsts were always a plus.
The bike crashed into a tree. Squirrel Girl managed to grab hold of Laser Lady’s cape to keep her from crashing into the tree as well. Because Laser Lady was wearing one. A cape, that is.4
“FEAR ME!” said Laser Lady, tugging her cape from Squirrel Girl’s hand.
She looked about forty years old, white, with brown hair in a trim bob. She jumped to one side, flipped her purple plastic cape back with a cracking sound, and pointed her laser directly at Squirrel Girl’s face.
“Laser shot!” she said, firing a red beam into Squirrel Girl’s eyes.
Squirrel Girl squinted. “Ugh, stop that! It’s really annoying. And could possibly cause retinal damage—I mean, I’m not an ophthalmologist, but you just never know.”
“Laser shot!” said Laser Lady, aiming the laser beam at Ana Sofía and the Squirrel Scouts, who were running toward them up the sidewalk.5
“She’s been shining her laser-pointer thing at people in the park,” said Ana Sofía. “She even shined it at cars.”
Squirrel Girl gasped. “That could distract a driver and cause an acc
ident!”
“That’s right!” said Laser Lady. “I could cause an accident! So you should FEAR ME!”
While she said it, she was trying to climb back onto her bicycle, but her cape kept getting caught on the chain ring.
Squirrel Girl picked up the bicycle. Laser Lady tried to grab it, so Squirrel Girl held it over her head.
“Look, Laser Lady,” said Squirrel Girl, “I’m sure it’s fun to ride around on a bike and shine a laser pointer at people and shout FEAR ME and all—”
“It isn’t about fun,” said the would-be villain, jumping up and down, trying to reach her bike. “Sometimes you…you just want someone to…fear you…you know…what I mean?”
Squirrel Girl smiled as a way to show understanding but not answer directly because, no, not really interested in being feared, thanks. For one thing, she wouldn’t get invited to parties.6
“Let’s get down to the nuts and bolts of this,” said Squirrel Girl. “Why do you want so much to be feared?”
Laser Lady lifted her laser pointer at Squirrel Girl. “LASER SHOT!”
But before the beam of red light hit Squirrel Girl’s face, Tippy-Toe leaped through the air, seized the laser pointer in her valiant jaws, and landed on the sidewalk.
Laser Lady’s shoulder’s drooped. Her bottom lip quivered. “No more laser! Now what am I going to do?”
“What do you think you should do?” Squirrel Girl asked. Because it was what her dad often said when she went to him with a problem.
“Stop…shining laser pointers into people’s eyes?”
“Well, yeah. That’s a really good start,” said Squirrel Girl, still channeling Dad. “But back to the nuts! You want to be feared because…”
“I don’t know.” Laser Lady jumped and reached for the bicycle, jumped and reached. “I guess…it’s better…than being ignored. I’m sick of being…ignored!”
Squirrel Girl nodded encouragingly. “I hear you, Laser Lady.”
“You do?” Laser Lady stopped jumping. “Because today at work we were in a meeting and I kept trying to give my input, but every time I spoke, Todd talked right over me just like always. I’d say, Maybe we could minimize the negative publicity…and Todd would say, WE SHOULD MINIMIZE THE NEGATIVE PUBLICITY while pointing his laser pointer at the board, and everyone would say Good idea, Todd! Great input, Todd! till I just snapped! I grabbed Todd’s stupid laser pointer and ran!” Laser Lady sniffed. “The cape was from last year’s Halloween costume….” She sniffed again. “Bride of Frankenstein.”
“Todd sounds like a real gem,” said Squirrel Girl.
Laser Lady looked up in surprise, and then, belatedly hearing the sarcasm, she started to laugh. “A real gem—that’s Todd.”
“Obviously your pointer thing there is not the burn-holes-through-walls kind of laser,” said Squirrel Girl. This conversation was suddenly super-interesting to her. She had known a “Todd” or two, after all. “But the pointer lasers are still mega annoying. Plus it’s prolly not good for eyeballs. But you know what the real problem here is? Spoiler alert: it isn’t lasers.”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s Todd,” Squirrel Girl said.
“YES!” agreed Laser Lady.
“I think you need to tell him to back off. Tell him to stop copying you all the time and talking over you and stealing your ideas. That’s way more annoying than a laser pointer.”
“You’re right! Thanks, Squirrel Girl!”
“Aw, that’s what Super Heroes are for,” said Squirrel Girl.
She put the bicycle back down—which was a relief, because even with proportional squirrel strength her arms had started getting tired. Laser Lady wrapped her cape around her neck like a shawl and pedaled away, dinging her little bike bell.
“Chkt-cht?” Tippy-Toe asked, holding up the laser pointer.
“Yeah, good idea—we don’t want any other potential villains getting ahold of this,” she said, sliding it into a pouch on her utility belt.
Squirrel Girl turned to the Squirrel Scouts, adjusting to make sure her hood was up and all. The hood sported little bear ears—which on a girl with a huge bushy squirrel tail could easily be mistaken for squirrel ears—and was part of her Super Hero disguise.7
“We did it, gang!” Squirrel Girl said, her fist punching the air.
The Squirrel Scouts groaned.
“What?” said Squirrel Girl, her fist coming back down. “Is it constipation? Sudden group constipation? That sounded like a gastrointestinal groan.”
The Squirrel Scouts looked at each other and seemed to share a general disappointment. Though from vastly different social groups at Union Junior and Union High, they’d come together to follow Squirrel Girl and fight bad guys. And hadn’t that night been just oozing bad-guy fights and Squirrel Girl-ness?
“There was, like, zero punching,” said Heidi, the blond leader of the Somebodies.8
“Yeah, I like the punching parts,” said Antonio, his pale face hidden under a baseball cap.9 “Remember when we got to punch all those robot drones?”
“And the stomping! Don’t forget the stomping!” said his friend Robbie.
“I loved stomping on robots,” Lucy Tang said quietly. “It was very satisfying how they crunched under my boot.”
“Yeah,” said Vin Tang. He was skinny and black-haired, and a full head taller than his sister. “The robot drone battle was the best.”
“That was indeed magnificent, forsooth!” said the baron, a brown-skinned kid in a leather breastplate, a feathered cap atop his short Afro.10 “A tale fit for kings, to be retold long after our scarred hides are hanging on the Wall of Warriors.”
“Forsooth,” the duchess said sadly.
The Squirrel Scouts walked away, muttering to each other in disappointment.
“When Ana Sofía texted us that we’d be fighting Laser Lady tonight I was all yeah, but now…”
“But now…”
“Yeah, but now…”
“Forsooth…”
Only Ana Sofía remained. She was wearing so many layers and scarves, Squirrel Girl could only see half of her brown face and her black bangs sticking out from under her hood. The girl did not like being cold.
“So?” she asked.
“At least it wasn’t group constipation,” Squirrel Girl said.
“Huh? I didn’t catch that,” Ana Sofía said, pulling her hood back an inch.
Under the clear light of the streetlamp, Squirrel Girl recounted to Ana Sofía the life-changing conversation she’d just had with Laser Lady. Ana Sofía wore hearing aids, but without seeing someone’s lips as they spoke, it was nearly impossible for her to parse the sounds and make sense of a conversation. Even then, Squirrel Girl had come to realize, lipreading wasn’t a 100 percent accurate sort of thing. Neither of them were fluent in ASL, but they both knew enough that Squirrel Girl often punctuated what she was saying with ASL signs for clarity.11
“I think this is a new thing, Ana Sofía!” she said. “Talking criminals out of criming! Why didn’t I think of it before? It’s so much faster than all the fighting and whacking and punching and gnawing. Seriously, the Avengers should look into the talking thing.”
“I’m not sure that would work every time,” said Ana Sofía. “You tried to talk the Micro-Manager out of unleashing a droid demolition army on the neighborhood, but he did it anyway.”
“Maybe I didn’t try hard enough.”
Tippy-Toe headed to the park, so the human girls started home, too, texting each other as they walked side by side.
ANA SOFÍA
Did u do your math homework
SQUIRREL GIRL
Yep
ANA SOFÍA
Did u
SQUIRREL GIRL
Any second now
Did vin set a time for your date yet?
ANA SOFÍA
I don’t want to talk about vin
SQUIRREL GIRL
He luvs u
ANA SOFÍA
stahp
SQUIRREL GIRL
Okay. Love you dude
ANA SOFÍA
I know. Love you too
Doreen Green, age fourteen, walked into homeroom at Union Junior High School with a loose swagger in her step. She’d talked a criminal out of criming last night (even if it was just Laser Lady), and that gave her some hippity-hoppity, make no mistake. She could almost forget the cramp in her tail, which was stuffed surreptitiously in the seat of her pants.
Besides the large badonk her tail-hiding endeavors granted her, she could pretty much pass for a non-squirrel-powered middle school girl: short red hair, pale freckled skin, round face, front teeth a bit longer than your average teen’s. Her powerful thick-thighed legs made it hard to find jeans that fit. Today she wore black-and-white-striped stretchy leggings under an aqua blue flare skirt, and a T-shirt featuring a smiling unicorn wearing braces.
“Hey, Doreen,” said Janessa Lopez.
“Hey, Janessa,” said Doreen Green.
“Hi, Doreen,” said Vin Tang.
“Hi, Vin,” said Doreen Green. All chill. Like it was a totally normal thing to be saying hi to multiple friends and not just the most amazing thing ever.
Until her family’s recent move to New Jersey, she’d never been part of a whole friend group—not a human one, anyway.12 The Squirrel Scouts didn’t know that Doreen was secretly their neighborhood hero Squirrel Girl, of course, but she was still Ana Sofía’s friend and a fellow Squirrel Scout.
Doreen was feeling so tip-top, so cartwheelishly magical, she took an apple from her backpack and put it on the teacher’s desk.13
“Morning, Ms. Schweinbein!”
Ms. Schweinbein glared down at the apple through the glasses perched on her thin nose. Her skin was so pale it was nearly gray, and her hair was in a pencil-thin braid. Her face was smooth yet resigned in a way that made it impossible to tell her age. Twenty? Fifty? While her age wasn’t definite, her smell definitely was. Doreen sniffed a couple of times. Yep, always with a very strong odor of animal. Her teacher must have a lot of pets. Doreen’s nose wrinkled before she could stop it.
“Excuse me?” said Ms. Schweinbein, glaring at her. “Do you have something to say?”
