by Shannon Hale
“Very heroic!” Bryan said. “Now, young lady, you who retrieved the golden shirt, which animal are you?”
Squirrel Girl intensified her you-know-better-than-that look and twitched her tail.
“Yes, of course,” Bryan said. “You are Squirrel Girl. But are you on the dog side or the cat side?”
He tilted the microphone toward her, and Squirrel Girl grabbed it.
“Thanks, Bryan!” she said. “And you know what, folks? I have to say I’m a little disappointed.”
Bryan swiped at the microphone, but Squirrel Girl batted away his hand with her tail.
“I mean, we’re all excited,” she said. “Free shirts are exciting! And gift cards! And pizza! These are awesome things to get excited about. But you gotta draw the line at shoving your neighbors and trampling people, amirite?”
She leaned over to the boy lying on the stage. “I mean, this kid…Hey, buddy, what’s your name?”
“Munkel,” the boy said, sitting up.
“How do you spell that?”
“M-U-N-K-E-L,” the boy said.
“Huh,” Squirrel Girl said. “Just like it sounds. Kid, you have an awesome name. I have never met a Munkel before, and I am super-happy to meet you.”
She handed Munkel the golden shirt and looked at the crowd. “Guys, did you hear that? This kid’s name is Munkel. How cool is that?”
Bryan grabbed at the microphone again, and Squirrel Girl jumped out of his reach onto a speaker, and from there to the banner rope just over the second HIP in the HIP-HIP CHESTER YARD MALL HOORAY sign. It swung back and forth beneath her, creaking but not snapping. She smiled. Oh, man, gee whiz, and snap, crackle, and pop, it was good to be Squirrel Girl on a sunny fall Saturday afternoon, swinging on a banner rope above a crowd that she could help become better citizens and kinder human beings with a few wise words.
“So, Munkel there,” she said, “almost got squished by you guys. OVER A SHIRT. I think you know that’s not okay. You got carried away. You were excited, I get it. But you know what always ruins a day? People getting squished. Like, one hundred percent of the time. So be Team Cat or Team Dog or whatever. You be you. But you know what both cats and dogs don’t do? They don’t squish people. Or, like, fight over shirts and gift cards and stuff. That’s a jerky thing to do. So don’t act like a jerk.”
Bryan was standing beneath her, his eyebrows lowered in irritation.
“Um…Squirrel Girl out,” she said, dropping the microphone into Bryan’s hands.
“That’s it, folks,” he said. “Always exciting at Chester Yard Mall events! Enjoy your shirts! We will be in touch.”
The crowd broke up as music started to play. Squirrel Girl leaped from the stage and sprinted across the parking lot to the beat of “Here We Go, Dudebro.”
One of the dancers shouted to the crowd, “Are you all ready for this?”
And if she had to guess, the answer would be no.
No one is ever ready for Squirrel Girl.
Yo yo every1ne on sociable medias listen up! Hashtag coming soon! Hashtag Chester Yard Mall™ on Viper Avenue. Join us opening day to vote for the hashtag mall mascot—Groovy Cat vs. LOL Dog—not to mention some “apocalyptically” good deals! ;) ;) ;) ;) trollolololololol
Also free sausages.
Joey
Free sausages! Yeah!
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Aaliyah
Vote cats! Did you know that petting a cat can lower your blood pressure?
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Nick So can petting a dog. Plus dogs are friendlier. Vote dogs!
Susie
I attended the rally yesterday. Did anyone else see the t-shirts they were giving away? They had a happy face with tentacles logo that I swear I’ve seen before.
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John Um yeah that’s because if you replace the happy face with a skull it’s the Hydra symbol. Obviously they are poking fun by using a parody of Hydra’s logo.
Sandra Seems in poor taste to me.
Hank Maybe they are the actual Hydra?
John Um yeah actual Hydra is totally going to open a mall in New Jersey and cleverly hide the horrible truth by barely covering up their symbol with a smile emoji. Way to go, you cracked the case, dipwad.
GreenCowlLver213
What an excellent mall. I will patronize the mall opening day and likely get a great deal on jeans and a corndog.
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Yolanda
Hydra is evil, do not be fooled run for your lives
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Nicole
Vote dogs! Dogs’ sense of smell is 10,000 x stronger than a human’s. They’re awesome.
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Trindy There are millions more pet cats in North America than dogs, so obviously cats are more popular. Plus they’re smarter!
Jeremy Fake news! Dogs are actually smarter than cats. #science
Melodie Faker fake news! Cats and dogs are the same smartness. But cats are more self-reliant. Also cuter. Vote cats!
Blane
Free sausages! I am there!
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Bianca
Weird question: did anyone else feel off yesterday at the rally? Like the smell of the t-shirts made me feel ill and super uncomfortable. And my watch said my heart rate sped way up.
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Nate The same thing happened to me too! I just had to get out of there.
John Way to go, you’re probably hypoglycemic and blaming it on t-shirts. What a wimp.
Sandra
How can the mall use imagery from an Evil Organization as marketing?
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LaTosha Um I don’t think a secret and illegal organization can copyright a logo so basically anyone could use it
Lance Don’t be so sensitive! It’s clearly a joke! Besides, Hydra has an objectively good logo.
Bruiser And even if it was Hydra, so what? The mall is investing in our community, creating jobs and getting kids engaged!
Joyce Amen! Our county has the highest unemployment rate in the state. We need this mall!
Sandra But what if it really was Hydra? You couldn’t be so nonchalant about it then. I mean, they’re EVIL
Lance Oh come on, this again? Hydra is just another socio-economic point of view. Everybody’s entitled to their own opinion.
Bruiser Plus you can’t judge a whole group by what one guy does. The Red Skull was also a man, are you going to condemn all men for what he did?
Sandra *hard eye roll*
Susie Um, no. Hydra’s mission statement is World Domination.
Lance Get in line. Every company’s mission statement is World Domination.
Susie You make a really good point!
Lance :)
Yvette
Do not trust anything that uses the unpleasant and poorly masked symbol of Hydra
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GreenCowlLver214
Such exciting times. I will be at the mall on opening day to enjoy the atmosphere of communal capitalism and also to score discounted sweaters.
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Doreen smelled the nutloaf the moment her dad took it out of the oven. She snapped her math book shut, scurried out of her room, and took the flight of steps down in one leap.
“Dinner—”
“Here!” said Doreen.
“…time,” finished her father.
Maureen came into the kitchen, wafting a plasticky odor of paint.28 And beneath the paint and nutloaf, a third smell: that weird, dirty smell of the mall T-shirts.
“Why do you have a dog shirt, Dor?” asked Maureen.
Dor was wearing the Chester Yard Mall T-shirt, the happy-face-with-tentacles. But it was orange, not yellow like their CATS shirts. And when he turned to get a bowl of cottage cheese with mandarin oranges, they cou
ld see DOGS on the back.
“I traded my cat one for this one,” said Dor. He sniffed. “I like dogs.”
Maureen smoothed the front of her lilac sweatshirt, on which she had embroidered an orange-and-white tabby with enormous kitten eyes.
“We are a cat house, Dor,” she said. “You knew that when you married me.”
“Well, now, you knew I was a big, big fan of dogs, I’m ninety-nine percent positive.”
“I knew you liked dogs,” said Maureen. “You’ve mentioned that. But I love cats. They are sweet little balls of floof, and your fondness for dogs is nowhere near the level of my ardent admiration of cats.”
“Well, what if it is?”
“Well, what if it ISN’T?”
After a familiar three knocks at the kitchen door, Ana Sofía stepped inside. She smiled, noticed Maureen and Dor facing each other with fists on hips, and then frowned.
“Whoa, everything okay?” asked Ana Sofía.
Maureen turned to face her, a habit now, so Ana Sofía could more easily read her lips. “Doreen’s father chose to be Team Dog, Ana Sofía. I wish I could make up this stuff, I truly do. Then I could be a wealthy soap opera writer.”29
“A man can love his wife and her extensive embroidered-cat-sweatshirt collection and still believe dogs are the best animal,” said Dor. “Scientists have proven this.”
“Oh, really?” said Maureen. “Show me one peer-reviewed study that arrived at that conclusion. A single one, Dorian Green!”
“Well, if cats are so gosh-darned great, how come we don’t have one?” he asked.
“You know why, Dor! You know I’m allergic and must love them from a loving distance!”
“There are hypoallergenic cats, Maureen,” he said. “Like pillows. And earrings. The technology exists! I think you just make excuses because you don’t love cats that much. Not like I love dogs!”
Doreen and Ana Sofía exchanged looks. Ana Sofía put her hand over her mouth.
“Dad,” said Doreen, “that T-shirt seriously stinks. You should take it off.”
“You haven’t washed it yet?” said Maureen. “You know you’re supposed to ‘Wash Before Wear’!”
“So, um, we’re going outside, and I think you should change shirts while we’re gone!” Doreen shouted over their chatter, and they hurried to the backyard before bursting out laughing.
“No way,” said Ana Sofía, climbing up the ladder to the backyard tree house. “I didn’t think your parents had fights.”
Doreen leaped right up through the window and sat on one of the beanbags. “Sometimes they do,” she signed, and then spoke aloud. “It got ugly last year when Mom told Dad she’d never liked SpongeBob SquarePants.”
“I thought your parents were perfect.”
“Whenever the fights come, they’re soo funny, and then afterward they get all lovey and make popcorn so we can snuggle on the couch and watch movies. That was a super-random fight, I’ve gotta admit, but I predict we’re only twenty minutes from popcorn. Anyway, what’s up?”
“Did you see all the online chatter about the Chester Yard Mall?” asked Ana Sofía, passing Doreen her phone.
Doreen read the comments on the Friendbook post. “Wow, everybody is taking this so seriously! It is weird that the mall is using a logo similar to Hydra’s. I guess they’re just trying to cash in on their brand.”
“Their brand of evil, warfare, and world domination?”
Doreen’s tail twitched. “Oh. Yeah. There is that. I guess I’m not completely up on all things Hydra. I know the Micro-Manager was basically being a jerk as an audition to join them.”30
“Yeah, so, they’re really bad,” said Ana Sofía. “And what if this mall…What if it really is Hydra?”
Doreen laughed. “That’s funny. Hydra building a mall.”
Ana Sofía opened her mouth and then closed it without saying anything.
“Wouldn’t that be hilarious, though?” said Doreen, still laughing. “Hydra, building a mall! An EVIL mall…”
But Ana Sofía didn’t laugh. She looked down at her feet.
Doreen’s laugh faded at the sight. Her instinct was to leap onto the flaking yellow-painted tree-house bench and declare, Does something trouble you, my friend? Tell me your mind, that we may have no secrets between us. I won’t judge you for your thoughts, I will only prize them like star-spangled treasures. Speak out boldly!
But this whole best-friend business was pretty new for Doreen. Instincts in battle had done well for her so far. She totally stopped that carjacker that one time, not to mention bested a pair of robot parents, and for sure the Micro-Manager business. That had gone A++. So her Squirrel Girl instincts were solid. Her Doreen instincts, on the other paw, were suspect. Even now, being a part of the Squirrel Scouts, she noticed how sometimes she’d say something that seemed perfectly reasonable, but everyone would kinda look at each other out of the corner of their eye. She didn’t want to do anything embarrassing that might chase away Ana Sofía, aka One of the Awesomest Human Beings Alive.
But still…
“Are you worried about the mall?” Doreen signed.
Ana Sofía shrugged.
“It’s okay if you are,” said Doreen. “I mean, it’s okay if you’re not, too. I mean, it’s okay whatever is cool I don’t know…”
“What was that?” asked Ana Sofía.
Doreen had stopped signing and been kinda mumbling, which she knew made it hard for Ana Sofía to understand.
“Never mind,” she said. “Sorry.”
Ana Sofía looked down again. She took a couple of deep breaths. Was she upset? But what would she be upset about?
“Maybe…Maybe it’d be a good idea to text some of those Avengers you have numbers for,” said Ana Sofía. “Also Thor said Winter Soldier might know a lot about Hydra.”
“Winter Soldier?” Doreen shivered. “I texted him last month for advice when we were battling the Micro-Manager. He’s kinda intense.”
“Yeah…”
“So maybe I’ll try some other heroes first?” said Doreen.
From inside, the shouty voices had stopped. And Doreen could smell the popcorn.
She smiled. “Can you stay and watch a movie with us? Mom will probably pick The Muppets. We’ll definitely turn on the closed-captioning.”
SQUIRREL GIRL
Hey hero friends a question from your friendly neighborhood squirrel girl. How can u tell if a thing is hydra or not
IRON MAN
If it whispers HAIL HYDRA
SPIDER-MAN
Or does one of those evil laughs
SQUIRREL GIRL
Ha! srsly tho
BLACK WIDOW
No group texts pls
SPIDER-MAN
Wait was that an evil ha?
BLACK WIDOW
STOP RESPONDING SPIDER-MAN WE CAN ALL SEE THIS
IRON MAN
BTW Squirrel Girl I totally knew you’d come ask for my help again
SQUIRREL GIRL
Oh yeah I’m really trying to include you more since last time when I accidentally thought you weren’t a hero and all that. I feel so bad! For you!
IRON MAN
So are we pals now?
SQUIRREL GIRL
Um yes? Or advice buddies? Is that a thing?
IRON MAN
Hey why do you have my number saved under “Facial Hair Thing” on your phone
SQUIRREL GIRL
How can you see what name I used to save your number?
IRON MAN
I’m a genius
SPIDER-MAN
I call you GUAPO on my phone
IRON MAN
I know
SPIDER-MAN
Which means handsome in spanish
IRON MAN
I KNOW
SQUIRREL GIRL
I just want you to know that I don’t think you’re ugly or anything
IRON MAN
Um
SQUIRREL GIRL
The facial
hair thing is like code in case a bad guy steals my phone so they won’t know who you are. Anyway I know some men grow facial hair to hide deep-seated insecurities about themselves but i don’t think that’s the case 4 u
BLACK WIDOW
OH SNAP
SPIDER-MAN
Secret code sounds like something hydra would do
BLACK WIDOW
I regret the oh snap. I’m NOT getting pulled into a group text. Why doesn’t my new phone have a way to block group texts?
IRON MAN
New OS requires you to be friendly
BLACK WIDOW
It REQUIRES you to participate in group texts which IMO is the greatest evil ever to be unleashed on earth
SQUIRREL GIRL
Oh man sorry bw
SPIDER-MAN
Don’t be sorry you didn’t invent group texts. Or maybe your secret identity did I don’t know
I invent some cool things sometimes nbd
IRON MAN
Me too
SQUIRREL GIRL
I didn’t invent group text
SPIDER-MAN
Well that’s good
You know, because it’s evil
SQUIRREL GIRL
Evil like hydra? So…any advice there?
BLACK WIDOW
MUTE DELETE BLOCK UNSUBSCRIBE
IRON MAN
Are you trying to tell us something, Widow?
BLACK WIDOW
Only that I’m going to need a new communicator after this one is smashed by a boot
SQUIRREL GIRL
I’m so sorry to bug you but as I mentioned before I’m just trying to find out if hydra is in my neighborhood and also how do you guys get anything done no offense you just go on tangents a lot?
