by Shannon Hale
Ana Sofía nodded.
“Talking isn’t working this time,” said Squirrel Girl.
“Maybe you’re talking to his man half,” said Ana Sofía. “Try talking to his dog half?”
Squirrel Girl was on her feet and running again.
“Oh, no you don’t,” Squirrel Girl said as she grabbed Dog-Lord’s legs and then jumped back, tugging him away from the crowd. “You are being a huge jerk right now. Besides, this is not at all thematically appropriate. When do dogs grab people and throw them?”
He wrenched his body around to snap at her. “GROWL!” he said. “BITE!”
Squirrel Girl dropped him, dodging. He squirmed onto his feet and began hopping around and shouting, “BARK! BARK!”
He got on all fours and charged her, mouth open wide. She put the fingers of one hand together into a kind of duck puppet and jabbed them at Dog-Lord’s face. “Tssst!” she hissed. It’s what that dog-trainer guy on TV did.
Dog-Lord skidded to a halt, his furry forehead furrowed.
“Burh?”
Squirrel Girl stared him in the eyes. “Focus! Look, I get that you’re frustrated. But you can’t—”
Dog-Lord shook his head and crouched to jump.
“BARK!”
“Tssst!” Squirrel Girl shoved her hand in front of his face again. The dog trainer always said you had to show the naughty dog who the boss was before they would start to behave.
Dog-Lord froze.
“You are not in charge here,” she said.
“OF COURSE NOT. BOSS IS IN CHARGE.”
At first she thought he meant her. That’s right, Squirrel Girl is the boss! But then she remembered the phone call. “Who is your boss, Dog-Lord?”
Dog-Lord glanced at his fanny pack.
“UM,” he said. “DOG-LORD. DOG-LORD IS BOSS.”
“No,” Squirrel Girl said.
“DOG-LORD IS STRONGEST THERE IS, SO DOG-LORD IS BOSS.”
“Are you kidding me?! If Hulk was here he would totally smack you for that.”
Dog-Lord shrugged. “HULK IS NOT HERE, SO DOG-LORD IS STRONGEST IN THIS PARTICULAR LOCATION.”
“Who called you on the phone?”
“TO ME, MY DOGLINGS!” he growled, raising his arms up like the doglings were going to come from the sky or something. Squirrel Girl looked up to check just in case, but there were no sky-dogs.
Something buzzed from inside the depths of the shoe shop. A dog robot crawled into view, made a menacing beep, and was tackled by a ball of squirrel fur. Tippy-Toe rolled with the puppy machine, pinning it to the ground. She gave it a sharp bite to the head. It went beeeep-ph-pah…and collapsed.
“See?” Squirrel Girl said. “Come on. Call off your attack for the sake of the doglings.”
“ONE DOGLING IS OF NO CONSEQUENCE,” he said. “BECAUSE AS I HAVE SAID, I HAVE AN ARMY.”
Dozens more doglings trotted out of the storefront, buzzing angrily.
“Hath the time come to answer our noble lady’s call?” asked the baron from the crowd.
“Um, yeah,” said Squirrel Girl. “Hey, Squirrel Scouts? Go nuts!”
“Have at thee!” shouted the duchess, whacking a dogling with a broadsword. It may have been dull, but it did the job.
“Gross!” said Heidi, stomping another with her boot.
“You—are—ob—so—lete!” said Janessa, pounding with her backpack.
“FOR FROYO!” shouted Dennis, chasing another and pelting it with the stolen shoes. “Dude, I was SERIOUSLY HUNGRY, TOO!”
Tippy-Toe screeched as she leaped into the fray, followed by waves of furry brown, black, and red rodents in attack mode. The robot dogs gurgled, cracked, and sparked against the squirrel-and-Squirrel-Scout assault.
Dog-Lord growled and howled, trying to get past Squirrel Girl to defend his doglings, but she dodged his punches and leaped about, yanking him back, tripping him up, using speed against his bulk, and randomness against his determined push forward.
Within moments, nothing was left of the dogling army but sparking metal and fake fur. Dog-Lord howled with frustration.
“So,” said Squirrel Girl, as she knocked him off his feet again. “Let’s talk about your rehabilitation.”
“PERHAPS WE SHOULD TALK…” Dog-Lord said, “ABOUT POISON SMOKE!”
He reached into the fanny pack, pulled out a small sphere, and threw it at the crowd. When the ball broke, smoke plumed out. Squirrel Girl was separated from the crowd of innocent people by a gray-green Cloud of Doom.
“Wait, what?!” Squirrel Girl backed away and waved her hands at the growing cloud. “This is just wrong! Smoke bombs are not a dog thing!”
The people in the crowd were stumbling over each other to get away. Someone, probably Dennis, screamed “RUN!!” and everyone went nuts.44
Dog-Lord took off in a two-legged run in the opposite direction.
“Tippy!” Squirrel Girl shouted. “Follow him! I’ll find you after I get these people safe!”
She held her breath and rushed into the cloud. The smoke didn’t sting her eyes like she was expecting, so she was able to look around. Ana Sofía! She grabbed her first and deposited her on a lawn in the clear air. Another breath and back into the smoke. Several people were curled up on the ground, just lying there, shaking. She grabbed them two at a time, carried them out, took a breath, and dove back in. A breeze ruffled the smoke, and it quickly dissipated, leaving behind a smell more like rank body odor than what Squirrel Girl imagined poison smelled like, so maybe Dog-Lord had been lying about that part. At least it wasn’t, like, lethal poison, because as far as she could tell, no one had died yet.
“I’M POISONED!” screamed Dennis. He was lying on the school’s front grass, rolling around and showing his hands to everyone. They were green. At least the palms were. Parts of the palms.
Squirrel Girl sniffed his hand.
“Dude,” she said. “It’s grass. Those are grass stains.”
He scratched at one hand with a nail, taking off a stripe of green.
“Ohhh,” he said.
“You okay?” she asked Ana Sofía.
“Go get him,” said Ana Sofía.
“Right!” she shouted, running off in the direction of Tippy-Toe and the fleeing Dog-Lord. “To justice!”
Ten minutes and a brisk run through the park later, justice was served in the form of twenty squirrels surrounding Dog-Lord, now tightly wrapped in wire.
“Where did you find all the wire?” she asked.
Tippy-Toe twitched her tail in a shrug. She’d probably had some buried nearby. Squirrels were prepared.
Squirrel Girl crouched down near the defeated villain. “Okay, lord of friggin’ dogs,” she said. “Let’s talk. Who are you working for?”
“NO ONE,” Dog-Lord said.
“Come on,” Squirrel Girl said. “Somebody called you. Someone you called ‘boss.’ Who was that?”
A white van screeched to a halt at the curb, a S.H.I.E.L.D. logo on the door. A bored-looking white woman in a gray jumpsuit got out, carrying a pole with a loop of rope at the end.
“Hi!” Squirrel Girl said.
“Agent Rozum, Animal Control,” she said, walking past Squirrel Girl to the tied-up Dog-Lord.
“Wait, aren’t you S.H.I.E.L.D.?” Squirrel Girl asked. “The van says S.H.I.E.L.D.”
“Yep, S.H.I.E.L.D.,” Agent Rozum said. “Animal-Control Division.”
She looped the rope around Dog-Lord’s midsection. Or at least it was rope-ish. Tiny bolts of electricity visibly danced down it, and once it was around his body, Dog-Lord stiffened. Only his eyes moved.
“I didn’t know S.H.I.E.L.D. had an animal-control division.”
“Well, now you do.”
Rozum rolled a flat, wheeled disc under Dog-Lord’s tail, pushed a button on a remote, and the disc lifted into the air, trolleying him into the back of the van.
“I’m glad you’re here,” Squirrel Girl said, walking along with the woman. “I’m, like, ninety pe
rcent sure there’s something going on in Shady Oaks. Like an evil plot or something. He’s just part of it.”
“Different department,” Agent Rozum said. “They’re busy, but said Thor called to give us a heads-up about a rampaging dog hybrid.”
Ah. Ana Sofía must have alerted Thor, who then called S.H.I.E.L.D.
“Well, you should at least find out who his boss is,” Squirrel Girl said. “His boss totally called him on the phone. He has a phone in that weird little pack thingie, so could you give his phone to the right…um…department?”
Agent Rozum checked the fanny pack. “No phone,” she said.
Dog-Lord smiled as the woman shut the van doors, and Squirrel Girl swore she saw little bits of phone still stuck between his sharp canine teeth.
SQUIRREL GIRL
WHAT IN THE HECK IS GOING ON WITH THIS DOGMAN THING
ANA SOFÍA
I dunno seems inevitable really. I should’ve anticipated it
SQUIRREL GIRL
U should’ve anticipated a hybrid dog humanoid villain would attack shady oaks with his robot dog army?
ANA SOFÍA
Yeah? I mean that’s the new normal right?
SQUIRREL GIRL
I miss the good ol days when I was the only super animal powered person in the hood
ANA SOFÍA
So don’t think I’m weird but this mall thing is still bugging me
SQUIRREL GIRL
Yeah that whole basement no basement is weird
ANA SOFÍA
Just check out this post and comments
http:/friendbook.usa/shady_listlessGROUP
SHADY OAKS/LISTLESS PINES COMMUNITY FRIENDBOOK GROUP
Yo yo yo yo yo yo take our hashtag mall mascot poll! If hashtag Chester Yard Mall opened today, which would you vote for? LOLolololololololololol ;P
Dennis
Wahoo! Cat is winning!
Kayla
I saw that creepy dog thing. I don’t know what that was, but I definitely don’t want a dog winning now.
Hunter THIS IS CAT PERSON PROPAGANDA! Come on, sheeples! You think a dog monster just HAPPENED to show up? The Cat people did that! To scare everyone into voting for cat! It’s a CAT CONSPIRACY! A CATSPIRACY!
Heidi
The dog beast just proved what we’ve been saying all along. Dogs are worst! Cats are first!
Hunter Don’t be sucked in by their weird cat propaganda!
Pauley Come on, you really think the Shady Oaks high schoolers or whoever created a genetic dog/human hybrid? What, in their honors science class or something? And then unleashed it on Shady Oaks in an elaborate scheme to scare their own community into hating dogs and voting Cat?
Hunter Um, YES.
Pauley Get it? “Unleashed.” Because it’s a dog? And dogs use leashes? I thought that was pretty good.
Linda I’m seeing too many people fall for this conspiracy theory. I’ve had to unfriend five people today already. One of them was my mom.
Wendy Honestly people will believe ANYTHING.
Pauley Sometimes the most underappreciated humor is subtle word play.
SQUIRREL GIRL
Looks like Dog-Lord did us a solid. Squirrel scouts will be happy that team cat is pulling ahead
ANA SOFÍA
That’s the thing tho. Can’t be coincidence that a DOG villain shows up in the middle of mascot election weirdness. Today I found someone named Jerry on the dark net bragging about a dog creature and hinting that there was another. So u probly shld keep eye on listless pines. If a dog thing attacked shady oaks then listless pines might be attacked next
SQUIRREL GIRL
OMGosh u think a cat monster might attack listless pines???
ANA SOFÍA
Honestly I don’t know anything anymore
SQUIRREL GIRL
Except all the math EVER
ANA SOFÍA
Yeah except all the math ever
SQUIRREL GIRL
I think I know who maybe would know something about dog lord. Gonna text them
SQUIRREL GIRL
Hey do you guys know dog lord?
SPIDER-MAN
Is that a name or a title? Like is it a lord of dogs or a lord that is a dog? I have so many questions
SQUIRREL GIRL
More the second one but I’m guessing that means you don’t know him
ROCKET
At Nova HQ they call Peter the Dog-Lord
SPIDER-MAN
Wait what Peter who I don’t know any Peter
ROCKET
Peter Quill! He calls himself Star-Lord but nobody else does
SPIDER-MAN
Right of course
ROCKET
On Arcturus they call him Hog-Lord
ROCKET
Centaurians skip the “Lord” bit and just call him something that translates to “meat-in-waiting”
GROOT
I AM GROOT
ROCKET
This IS me being nice, Groot! You want I should tell her what I call him?
SQUIRREL GIRL
Back to Dog-Lord I thought maybe he might be related to Star-Lord or something?
SPIDER-MAN
Same last name
SQUIRREL GIRL
Exactly! Or I thought spiderman would have run into him before cuz u have all those animal villains which is a weird thing I wanted to ask u about
SPIDER-MAN
Yes good question why do animal villains seek out the Spider-Man? I have three theories
ROCKET
Not the theories again, make it stop. What’s Dog-Lord look like?
SQUIRREL GIRL
Half human half dog all menace
ROCKET
Could be a Corguan. About seven feet tall, whines a lot?
SQUIRREL GIRL
Bit shorter. whining sounds right tho
ROCKET
Constantly talks about how his fur is better than your fur even though his is oily and smells like old cheese?
SQUIRREL GIRL
Um no. He did have an army of little puppy robots, that seems alieny
ROCKET
Nope, dealbreaker. Corguans hate any robot smaller than them. Creeps em out.
SQUIRREL GIRL
Darn it! He did talk sort of like a human tho. Or like he used to be human
SPIDER-MAN
Cool! Like a werewolf?
SQUIRREL GIRL
More like a weredog
SPIDER-MAN
Maybe he was bit by a radioactive dog!
ROCKET
Yeah no that would straight up kill you. And the dog
SPIDER-MAN
But it happens all the time! SG, you were bit by a radioactive squirrel, right?
SQUIRREL GIRL
No
SPIDER-MAN
Genetically engineered squirrel?
SQUIRREL GIRL
Nope. Born this way
ROCKET
I was bit by a radioactive raccoon
SPIDER-MAN
There! See? It happens!
ROCKET
Whoops sorry voice textualizer got that wrong. I was bit by a radioactive BADOON
SPIDER-MAN
A radioactive baboon?
ROCKET
No, flarknard, BADOON. Lizardy guys from the planet Moord.
SPIDER-MAN
Do you have badoon powers now
ROCKET
No but I guess we’re all pretty clear how you got spider powers
SPIDER-MAN
…
It was a radioactive spider
SQUIRREL GIRL
My friend told me that online someone was bragging about dog lord and hinted there might be another evil animal person wandering around soon, probably cat
ROCKET
There are way more earth people with tails than I was led to believe
SPIDER-MAN
I have more to say on my animal villains so whenever you’re ready for that
SQUIRREL GIRL<
br />
Not now I’ve gotta go to school thanks for your help I guess!
SPIDER-MAN
Hey I have experience with cat people too if you need help
Does your cat person have a domino mask?
And a form-fitting black suit?
ROCKET
Squirrel Girl’s gone
SPIDER-MAN
Does she have soft white hair
And a coy smile
ROCKET
Stop this is just sad
“Some educators believe that there are three types of learners,” Ms. Schweinbein said. “Auditory—those who best process spoken information…”
Meh, thought Doreen.
“…visual—those who best process pictures, diagrams, the written word, etc….”
Meh, thought Doreen.
“…and kinesthetic learners—those who learn best by doing, by participation.”
“Oh! That’s me for sure!” said Doreen, feeling very kinesthetic-y.
Ms. Schweinbein rolled her eyes at the outburst. She began to pace at the head of the class, back and forth, back and forth, her sneakers squeaking on the linoleum. Watching other people pace made Doreen’s legs feel all antsy and envious. But Ms. Schweinbein didn’t pace as an invitation for, say, fourteen-year-old students to hop up and join her in a fun and uniting joint-pacing extravaganza, as Doreen had learned firsthand a couple of weeks ago. Since that incident, Ms. Schweinbein had posted signs around the room:
STAY IN YOUR DESK
NO FIDGETING
WIGGLING IS INAPPROPRIATE HUMAN BEHAVIOR
“In an attempt to reach you kinesthetic learners,” Ms. Schweinbein continued, “I will be taking suggestions for our next essay’s theme.”
She stopped, surveying the students as if she expected them to do something. Doreen fidgeted. Just a little.
