“Terrible,” Merrick said, pivoting back to face her, his arms crossing over his large chest. “Absolutely dreadful.”
Her lips pressed together as her hands folded over her stomach. “That wasn’t quite the word I was looking for. “
One of his hands cut through the air. “You lost your temper, rashly called her out, incited her to follow, and then forced me into a corner where I had no choice but to declare my intentions.”
Each of his words stung harder than the last. But it was the last part that had her blinking rapidly, tears pricking at the back of her eyes.
Of course, she’d forced him into that proposal. It wasn’t as though she’d honestly believed his talk of marriage to be anything other than an act of duty. Only a fool would think he would want brash Lily of his own volition. Pride had her lifting her chin. “You didn’t need to do that.”
“I did.” His chest swelled even fuller. “Any gentleman would have acted the same. You might not care about your reputation, but I do.”
Hurt and then irritation bristled along her skin. She lifted a finger and poked it into his muscular chest. “For a brief moment I thought perhaps my old friend had returned.”
His jaw clenched, his eyes sparking with fury. “And I thought for a moment that my old friend had finally gained some sense.”
His words stung a great deal more than she cared to admit. “There is nothing wrong with choosing my own path.”
“There is if you willfully take away all your choices because you can’t control yourself and think through the consequences of your actions.”
She gave her a head a violent shake. “I’ve wanted to tell Abigail what I thought about her for years. There was nothing thoughtless about it.”
“Dragging me off was part of that plan?” His eyes only grew harder, his face set in stern lines.
“Was kissing me twice part of yours?” she shot back.
She saw him wince and inside she died a bit. He regretted the kisses. She fisted her hands into her stomach.
“No. Kissing you was not part of my plan.” His eyes were unreadable in the dark, his voice soft and low. “See what rash action brings?”
Those words hurt more than any Abigail had ever hurled at her. Tears stung at her eyes and for the first time in three years, one actually slipped from her eye and down her cheek. All the emotion she told herself she’d grown out of came roaring back to the surface, and another tear slid down her cheek. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
He exhaled loudly, running a hand through his hair in obvious irritation. “And I am sorry that this entire day has been such a disaster.”
Her spine stiffened. He didn’t have to want her but must he be so cruel? Anger, her old friend, replaced the hurt and her chin notched up. “Well, allow me to mend your disastrous day.”
“How would you do that?” He came closer and the irritation that had been knitting his brow softened into confusion.
“By relieving you of your proposal. I do not accept.” The words fell between them like stones.
He took a half step back, his eyes widening. “Lily. Don’t be foolish. You’re acting impulsively again. You’ll be—”
“I don’t need to hear your opinion.” She covered her ears with hands. Childish? Yes. But also effective. “Goodbye, Merrick, and good riddance. I hope I never see you again.”
“Lily,” he started again, calling after her.
She hadn’t realized he’d followed until his hand touched her arm. Her breathing was ragged. One tear had turned to two.
“Lily, for once in your life, stop and think before you act.”
Her throat was too choked with pain and anger to speak.
“There is strong-willed and then there is pigheaded.” His voice was gruff with emotion. “Do not make a decision that will only hurt you in the end.”
She swallowed thickly. “I am not being rash, Merrick. I do not wish to marry you.”
“Abigail will tell everyone what she saw, Lily.” His grip on her arm tightened but she could not bring herself to turn and face him. “She could be telling everyone right now.”
Lily shrugged, straightening her shoulders. Her heart felt like it was breaking but anger? This she could do. “Then I shall just have to spread rumors of my own, won’t I?” She tugged her arm out of his grasp and turned to face him. “I’ll say I dragged you away. Others who were there will second that. Do not worry, your precious reputation will not be harmed.”
He glared at her, his eyes darker than she’d ever seen them. “It is not my reputation I’m worried about.”
“Isn’t it?” She nodded toward the space where Abigail had just stood. “You nearly married that vile woman for the sake of your reputation.”
And now he thought to marry her for the same reason. She drew in a breath to steel herself against another wave of pain.
“You will be ruined, Lily.”
She met his stare, even though tears were now streaming.
“Are you telling me that you are all right with that? Watching your friends have families? Living with your parents until you are old and grey? Never having a life of your own?”
No. It wasn’t what she wanted. But right now it sounded preferable to the alternative. Being trapped in a marriage with a man she hated.
A man she loved.
A man who would only ever view her as a burden.
Her heart was aching so fiercely it took every ounce of will to speak the words she knew she had to say. “I do not wish to marry you, Merrick. If you care for me at all, you will let me have my way.”
Chapter Ten
The woman was mad.
Merrick thrust a hand into his hair as he watched her go. His feet itched to go after her, his mind told him to let her go and give her space, and his heart…
Well, his heart was no longer speaking to him.
His chest felt empty as he watched her figure disappear around the corner in Abigail’s wake. It was shriveled and lifeless if it was still there at all.
What had just happened?
He groaned as the full force of it hit him. The scandal that was to come. The words that could not be unsaid.
The fact that his Lily had said no.
He was not sure how much time passed as he stood there alone in the garden, reeling from the sudden shift his life had taken.
Again.
It was official. Lily was a whirlwind, flipping him backward and forward, tossing him this way and that. He had no idea if he was coming or going.
Was it only hours ago that he’d been eagerly anticipating this proposal? Was it really only moments ago that he’d been kissing her, so certain of their future?
And now she was gone. And he…
He had no idea what to do.
For the first time in his life, it seemed, he had absolutely no idea how he ought to proceed.
The dutiful son in him knew what his family would want. They’d tell him to forget the wild rebel and accept Abigail’s offer. Appease her with talk of reuniting and have her tell the world that nothing untoward happened out here tonight. Lily would be safe, Abigail and his family would be pleased, and he…would be miserable. He’d spent the last few years attempting to be the man this family wanted him to be. But in this moment, he knew he’d never win their affection. They’d never love him as they did his brother. And he was done trying. His heart had always been with a redheaded spitfire who didn’t give a whit what others thought. Most times, he loved that about her.
If Lily was wrong to lose her temper, she was right to follow her own path. The one that carried her from the people of false affection and shifting loyalties.
Merrick winced. He wanted to follow that path with her. The honorable gentleman in him knew he ought to chase after Lily and insist that she marry him. He’d kissed her, after all. Several times. He had made his decision the moment he took that liberty, even if he had not thought it through.
But she would only refuse him again.
&nbs
p; Because she did not want him.
He bent over, his hands on his knees and the air rushing out of his lungs as though he’d taken a blow to the gut.
She truly did not want him.
He’d seen it in her eyes, clear as day when she’d turned back to face him. She’d prefer ruination to a life with him. And he…
He could no longer imagine a life without her.
“Good heavens, man, what happened?” Griff’s voice had him standing upright, but the world still rocked around him.
“Excellent question,” he muttered. What had happened?
Griff came closer, his brow furrowed in concern. “There are rumors going about,” he said, his gaze shifting to take in the rest of the garden around them as though Lily might be hiding in the shrubbery.
Rumors. Merrick winced. He ought to have known that Abigail would waste no time spreading gossip. And he was partly responsible, pushing her away the way he had. He’d handled that situation with all the grace of an elephant.
But he’d been so sure that Lily would marry him. He’d thought he could keep her safe.
He groaned as he ran a hand over his face. Now what? How to fix this mess he’d created?
“Merrick, talk to me,” Griff said. “What’s going on? Daisy is beside herself with worry about her friend, and the room is buzzing with talk of you and that Upton girl.”
Merrick stared at the ground as he pushed his emotions away and forced his mind to race through his options.
“Is there any truth to what they are saying?” Griff asked.
Merrick ignored the question. “Her mother—”
“Already retired for the evening,” Griff said. “She’ll not hear of this until the morning. But Merrick—” A hand landed on his shoulder. “She will hear of it.”
Merrick nodded. “Understood.”
“Do you know what you will do?” Griff asked.
Merrick sighed. There was only one thing he could do. “I will ensure that Lily marries me.”
Griff eyed him for a long moment as a heavy silence stretched between them. “Merrick, you know you will always have my support. And Daisy and I will always stand by her friends…”
Merrick nodded. “I appreciate that.”
Griff turned to face him head on. “What I am trying to say is, if you believe this will be an unhappy match…” He shifted uncomfortably. Talk of emotions was a new realm for them both. “If you would rather wait to find love, I am certain we could find another way to discount the rumors and—”
“I understand, and I appreciate your support,” Merrick said. “But I fear it is too late for that.”
Griff nodded with a sigh. “Perhaps you are right. I’d just hate to see you in an unhappy match.”
Merrick remained silent. He knew what his friend meant. Griff had found love and he wished the same for his friend.
The trouble was, Merrick had been certain he had found love with Lily—that was not the problem.
The problem was that she could not love him.
He tipped his head back and stared up at the cloudless sky as he reconciled himself to this new fate.
A future with the woman he loved and who would never return his affection.
He let out a long exhale. The future he’d been so excited to discuss now looked impossibly bleak.
But he forced himself to meet his friend’s concerned gaze. “Tell Daisy she has nothing to fear. I will ensure that Lily’s reputation is safe.”
Griff hesitated but then he nodded. “If there is anything we can do to help…”
Merrick forced a grim smile. “I will let you know.”
* * *
Merrick never did sleep that night. The next morning he paced the grounds impatiently until the other guests slowly rose and made their way down to the dining hall to break their fast.
He sent word to have her mother meet him at the first available opportunity.
When her mother entered the study, he was awash in shame and guilt.
Not over what he’d done to her daughter, ironically. Even with all that had happened, he could not bring himself to regret those kisses. They were memories he would treasure until the end of time.
No, his regret was that he was going against Lily’s wishes, using her mother’s influence to force her into a marriage she did not want.
But while Lily might be all right with ruination, he could not let that happen. Not when he was able to save her.
Her mother’s expression was as fierce as he’d ever seen it when she entered. “Is there any truth to the rumors?”
He cleared his throat, surprised at the straightforwardness of her conversation.
But then, he likely shouldn’t have been surprised considering her daughter was the very same. She’d never been shy about what she wanted...and who she didn’t want.
“I am afraid there is truth to it, Mrs. Upton.” He cleared his throat under her withering glare. Had he really thought just yesterday that the older woman had softened?
Clearly he had been mistaken.
“What do you mean to do about it, Lord Merrick?” Her brows arched and her lips thinned.
“I mean to marry your daughter.” He moved closer. “If you and your husband will allow it.”
“I don’t see that we have any choice.” Her brows drew down in fury and he could not blame her. Of course he couldn’t.
“But Lily—that is, Laura, er Miss Upton—”
“I know who my daughter is, Lord Merrick. What about her?”
He took a deep breath. “It is my belief that she does not wish to marry me.”
The older woman’s nostrils flared and for a moment he was a child again and she was his friend’s terrifying mother. “It is not your belief, Lord Merrick. She told me so herself this morning.”
“So you’ve...spoken to her then.” His stomach clenched in dismay. He supposed there was a little part of him that hoped she’d reconsider. That she’d have a change of heart in the cold light of day.
Or that, perhaps when her temper had cooled, she’d see reason. Was he that offensive to her?
“Of course I spoke to her. She was the one who told me.” She narrowed her eyes. “My daughter did not wish for me to hear this news from anyone but her. She is brave like that, you know.”
Oh yes. He knew just how brave Lily could be. Brave enough to stand up to Abigail on his behalf. Brave enough to stand up to him. Brave enough to face the scorn of all society rather than attach herself to a man she didn’t want.
“Your daughter might be brave, but she should not have to withstand the scandal and ridicule that will come from these rumors.”
She was silent for a moment. “I agree with you there,” she said grudgingly. “But I do not see how you can make her marry—”
He opened his mouth to speak but she held up a finger to silence him. “And do not think that her father and I will force her. We would support the marriage—” Her eyes flashed, reminding him of her daughter. “We have no other choice, it seems. But do not for one moment think that we will force her hand if she truly does not wish to marry you.”
“I understand,” he started.
“I do not know that you do.” Her rigid posture softened a bit as if some of the fight were leaving her. “Did Lily tell you the extent of her illness?”
“She did.”
The older woman nodded. “You cannot imagine what her father and I went through. Lily has always been headstrong. Always troublesome.” Her soft smile softened the words. “But when we thought we’d lost her. When we thought we would never see that willful spirit again…”
Her voice trailed off and he felt a surge of emotion on her behalf.
No, he couldn’t imagine a world without Lily, either. He hated the idea of her not being in his life, but to imagine her gone from this world was impossible.
“I understand,” he said again.
She eyed him oddly. “Do you?” She sighed. “Perhaps you do. All this is to say, however, that I
do not wish to see my daughter living in misery. We can protect her from the worst of the scandal if that is what she chooses.”
Panic clawed at him as he saw his one chance to save her slipping through his fingers. “Please, just let me talk to her. I can convince her—”
“Ha!” She let out a bark of laughter. Genuine amusement lit her eyes and once again he saw the resemblance to Lily. “If you can convince my Lily to do something she does not wish then you might just be heaven sent.”
He let out a huff of amusement. “I will try my best.”
She nodded and he turned to leave.
“Lord Merrick.”
He turned back to see her watching him carefully. “Yes?”
“Is it just duty that compels you?”
“No, Mrs. Upton. It is not.”
Her sudden smile made her look decades younger. “That is what I thought.”
He tipped his head in acknowledgement.
“A bit of advice from the woman who’s raised her?”
He smiled. “I would appreciate any advice you care to give.”
“She is stubborn.”
He arched his brows. “That is an understatement.”
Her laughter filled the room. “I was not finished. She is stubborn and willful, but only because she is passionate. She cares deeply.”
He nodded. He knew that, to be sure. He just wished that she cared for him.
“If you push her, she will pull. If you pull, she will push. If you try to use logic and persuasion, she will dig her heels in even further.”
He winced. This was all true and he knew it, but it was hardly the motivational speech he was hoping for. “And your advice?”
“Let her make her own decision. Show her that you respect her enough to let her come to you.”
“There is nothing I would like more,” he admitted in all honesty. What he wouldn’t give to have Lily come to him willingly. To stand by his side because that was where she wished to be. “But we do not have the luxury of time. The gossips are already talking.”
She nodded. “Then perhaps you could move things along a bit, hmm?” Her eyes twinkled with mischief. “Perhaps you could show her how you feel. Show her that you respect her, that you value her freedom and her spirit.”
A Lord for Miss Lily: A Wallflower’s Wish Page 8
