Black Love

by Brenda Hampton

“No, I was probably just thinking out loud.” I reached out to remove the glass of milk from her hand. “Thank you. I really appreciate it.”

  “You’re welcome.” She wiped her hands on an apron that was tied around her waist. Now that it was time for us to converse more, I was nervous as I watched her take a seat in the reclining chair near a window. While wringing her hands together, she looked at me.

  “Is there something specific you want to talk to me about?” she asked. “I’m sure I don’t have all the details about what happened that night, but if you’re here to defend your actions, don’t bother. I just want to know how someone could be so cruel and do something like that to my son. He didn’t bother nobody. Nobody, Monai, and I regret that he was murdered by your boyfriend, ex-boyfriend or whoever he was.”

  My stomach felt twisted in many knots. Nonetheless, I sat up straight to address her as best as I could.

  “I’m not here to defend anything I did, and I admit I was wrong. Nate didn’t deserve to be murdered by anyone, and I should have known better because I knew my ex was a monster. I want to apologize for not showing up at Nate’s funeral. After all that had happened, I just couldn’t be there. I suspected that a lot of people were upset with me, especially you. And even though I do feel responsible for what happened, I want you to know that I’m so sorry for the bad choices I made that caused your son’s death. I didn’t want to do anything that would take him away from you or from me. I loved him so much, and the two of us had been planning an amazing future together.”

  She didn’t appear moved by my words. “Well, he never spoke to me about having a future with you. I knew he liked you, a lot, but I didn’t think it was that serious.”

  My head lowered. It disappointed me to hear her say that. Nate interjected and spoke before I replied.

  “Tell her about the baby and show her the ring,” he said. “Show it to her now.”

  I lifted my hand and touched the ring. “He . . . He gave this to me before he di—” I paused to clear my throat. “He wanted me to marry him. I wanted to marry him too, but before I could say yes, he was gone.”

  She looked at the ring on my finger. To get a closer look, she got up and came over to where I sat. As I continued to hold out my hand, she held it with hers.

  “You’re a lucky girl,” she said. “That ring is my mother’s ring. I gave it to Nate, and I told him that when he’d found the woman of his dreams, I wanted him to give it to her. That ring meant a lot to him and to me.”

  In the moment, sadness fell over me. I couldn’t help but to think about how badly I had messed up. Nate was top notch for sure.

  “I am lucky,” I said. “Very lucky and I’m so proud to be carrying his child. I wanted you to know that you’re going to be a grandmother too.”

  His mother released my hand and stepped a few inches back. She touched her chest while looking at me.

  “Considering what I know, how can I be sure the child you’re carrying is Nate’s?”

  I explained to her how I knew the baby was Nate’s. I told her I was willing to have a paternity test to confirm it, and I also provided more details about what had happened the night he was killed. She shook her head, cried and silently prayed. Nate hadn’t said one word, and when his mother rushed up from her seat and left the room, I apologized to him again.

  “I didn’t want to upset her like this,” I whispered. “Maybe I should go.”

  He didn’t respond. Shortly thereafter, Vivian entered the room again. A tissue was in her hand; she dabbed her eyes and wiped her runny nose.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “This . . . This is just so hard for me. Nate was my only child, and he was supposed to come see me the next day. I cooked for him and kept waiting for him to show up. I kept calling his phone and he wouldn’t answer. I knew something was wrong. I could feel it was something bad because he never would’ve told me he was coming and not shown up. I miss his calls, and every time the phone rings, I rush to it, thinking it’s him calling me. I don’t know why God do certain things, but I’m mad as hell at him right now for choosing that outcome for my son. Never in my wildest dream did I think he would be murdered.”

  I sat silent. Couldn’t say anything because I was mad too. With Nate not saying anything to me, maybe he was upset too.

  “Maybe the baby is God’s way of giving him back to us,” she said. “I don’t know, but I do know that I miss my son dearly. Putting him to rest was the hardest thing I had to do. It was worse than the feelings I had when I had to do the same for my husband. My husband had been ill though. There was time to say goodbye. With Nate, I got nothing. No warning, just . . . just the police coming to my door, telling me I needed to get to St. Louis because Nate had been killed. It was a mother’s worst nightmare. I can’t believe he’d spent all that time overseas and made it. He come back here and look what happened.”

  All I could do was listen. She continued on about her close relationship with Nate, and when she got up to show me his bedroom, I could see how proud of him she was. There were pictures on a dresser of Nate with his mother and father. Photos of him while he was in the service. His football pictures from high school were on the walls, and as his mother held two of his diplomas in her hand, she smiled.

  “He did good,” she said. “He always did well. I couldn’t have asked for a better son. Unlike many other boys in the neighborhood, he never gave me much trouble at all.”

  Nate laughed. “Now, she knows that isn’t true. Mention the time when me and some neighborhood boys got in trouble for busting out car windows and how my father tore my ass up. Remember I told you about that?”

  I didn’t hesitate to relay what Nate had said. “I don’t know about that, Mrs. Reynolds. Nate told me about a time when you were livid with him for busting out windows in some of the neighbors’ cars. He said you didn’t speak to him for a whole week.”

  She chuckled and placed his diplomas back on the dresser. “Yes, I remember that like it was yesterday. His father whupped his butt real good. Nate couldn’t sit down for a whole week, and I didn’t even feel sorry for him. I was sooo mad. My husband and I had to pay for those windows, but when Nate got a job he paid us back every dime. He did a few other things that upset me, and did he ever tell you how adamant I was about him not joining the army?”

  She told me why she didn’t want him to join, and expressed how she’d felt when he’d gotten injured. We sat in Nate’s bedroom for, at least, two hours talking. It felt so good talking to her; I was glad I came. Right before I got ready to go, she gave me a tight, loving hug.

  “Take care of yourself and my grandchild,” she said. “I want you to keep in touch with me. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.”

  “I will, and let me know if I can do anything for you too.”

  “Coming here was enough. I thank you for coming. It means a lot.”

  She didn’t know how much this meant to me. I gave her another hug, before returning to the hotel room an hour later. Nate hadn’t said anything to me while we were in the car. I even called out to him when I was in the hotel room, but there was no response. I didn’t hear from him until eleven o’clock that night, when I was getting ready to go to sleep.

  “Thank you for going there,” he said. “I haven’t said much, because I’ve had a lot to think about.”

  “About what? Are you upset with me?”

  “No, so stop asking me that.”

  There was a little snap in his voice. I didn’t know why.

  “Was going to your mother’s house harder than you thought it would be?”

  “No, because I always visit my mother. Probably more than I visit you.”

  “I guess she needs protection too, huh? Are you here to protect me?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Will you always be here to project your child?”

  “Of course.”

  I was so curious about “the other side” but when I started to ask Nate questions, he didn’t want to answer. />
  “One day you’ll know all about it. You’ll understand, and it’s not for me to explain.”

  “Okay. But how long are you going to be here with me? Forever?”

  “Not sure. All I can tell you is to enjoy me while I’m here.”

  “I am enjoying our conversations, but I want to see you. I want to feel you and just hold you in my arms again.”

  “In other words, you want us to make love. Stop beating around the bush and tell me what you’re really feeling.”

  I laughed. Guess he’d read my mind, because I wished like hell that he could make love to me. Just hearing his voice wasn’t enough. It satisfied me in more ways than he would ever know, but I wanted to really feel him again.

  “What I’m really feeling is how I felt the last time we made love,” I said. “Then again, how about the time before that because the last time we did it, I was confused about so many things.”

  “So, what you’re saying is you weren’t into me that night. Your mind was on Demetrious because you had had sex with him several hours earlier.”

  I couldn’t even lie if I wanted to. “I did have sex with him that day and shame on me.”

  I turned to my side, believing that I was facing Nate as he lay in front of me. My eyes focused on one area I assumed was his face.

  “If you were able to flip a magazine, meaning touch it, then why can’t you touch me?” I asked.

  “I can touch you.”

  “But I won’t be able to feel it, right?”

  “If you close your eyes and use your imagination you’ll be able to. Go into deep thought about us and make it appear that you’re dreaming. Use your own hands to touch yourself, yet replace your hands with mine. It may take some work, but I believe that you can do it.”

  “I don’t know if I can, but I’m willing to try. Just move a little closer and walk me through it, okay?”

  “I will. After you take off your clothes, Mrs. Reynolds.”

  I got off the bed, and as I removed my clothes, I did a little strip tease for Nate. I had even found some music on my cell phone to play, and as I laughed, so did he. While naked, I climbed on the bed and stared at the same spot I envisioned his face would be. I smiled and asked if he was ready.

  “I am more than ready,” he confirmed. “But just so you know, I’m down here by the good stuff, not up there. No reason for me to be up there, is it?”

  “Oops,” I said, laughing. “I guess not.”

  After I lay on my back and bent my knees, my legs fell apart. I cuffed my hand over my pussy, and after I shut my eyes, I lightly tapped clitoris.

  “Seems like we’re off to a good start,” Nate said. I nodded and waited for more direction.

  “Keep your eyes closed and place your other hand on your breast. Avoid touching your nipple and just massage your breast.”

  I did as he’d suggested, and with my other hand still tapping my clit, I massaged my breast. My touch felt good, my mind journeyed far. But as a cold breeze hit my nipple, my eyes shot open.

  “Wha . . . How did you do that? I felt . . .”

  “Shhhh,” Nate whispered. “You’re messing up the mood. Close your eyes and stay silent, if you can.”

  I swallowed and sucked in a deep breath to relax. My chest rose and then fell as I waited to feel the breeze again. Minutes later, I did. My nipples were hard as ever, and I was so aroused that a high arch formed in my back. I began to rub my pussy faster, and as I started to speed things along, the tingling feeling stopped.

  “Just one finger at a time,” Nate said. “Insert one finger, and not anymore until I tell you to go all in.”

  With my legs still wide open, I inserted my index finger into my haven that was dripping wet. I felt the cold breeze against my clit and against my finger. It was the strangest feeling ever, and five minutes later, I hadn’t a clue what Nate had done. My insides felt like he was tickling me; I was seconds away from having an orgasm. My legs were trembling, eyes were still closed and saliva dripped from the corner of my mouth.

  “Four more fingers,” he said. “Cover them with your cream and stroke fast. Envision my dick being in there and dig deep, baby. Go as deep as you can go then flow, flow, flow. Flow all over me. Wet me good and don’t hold back. Never hold back again and make your hot haven talk loud and clear to me.”

  I followed his orders, and in a matter of minutes I clamped my legs shut, grabbed the sheets and formed a higher arch in my back. I screamed out loudly then bit into my lip. I could barely catch my breath, and when it was all over, I covered my face with my hands.

  “How in the hell did that just happen? Am I going crazy, Nate? Why do I actually believe you’re here with me? This . . . This couldn’t be real.”

  “You’re not going crazy. I can promise you that, okay? And I am here with you. You came to my gravesite to get me, so I’m here.”

  “What if I had never gone there? Would you still be with me?”

  “I don’t know. I can’t say, but I can say that I am pleased by what I just saw. I’ve never seen you so wet. You must’ve had some kind of buildup in there.”

  “It was the idea of trying something new. Let me just say that I’ve never been tickled like that either. How did you do that, and did you, you know? Did you get yours too?”

  “Ha!” Nate laughed. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

  “Actually, I would.”

  “I’ll never tell. That’ll be my secret.”

  “A husband and wife aren’t supposed to keep secrets from each other, are we?”

  “No, but there are certain things you don’t need to know. Then there are things you may want to know like, my head is back at the top of the bed, on the pillow. I’ve tasted enough of you and I want to hold you right now.”

  I lay next to him, wishing that I could feel his arms around me, especially since I knew they were.

  “Have you thought of a name for the baby yet?” he asked.

  “I’ve been thinking about it, but I want you to help me. I’m sure you’ll come up with a wonderful name.”

  “I’ll try. Now, get some rest and prepare yourself to take that boring train ride back to St. Louis tomorrow.”

  The ride wasn’t boring to me. I was looking forward to it. It gave me time to think. I wasn’t sure how much longer I’d be able to go on like this with Nate, and I dreaded the day I would possibly lose him again.

  Chapter Eight

  For the past month or so, Monai and I had been enjoying ourselves. I went everywhere she’d gone. We ate dinner together, watched movies at the theater and continued to make love. It was as if I was still there with her. I could honestly say I didn’t even think she was this happy when I was there in the flesh. Yes, there were times when people looked at her like she was crazy, especially when they’d heard her talking without seeing anyone next to her. All we did was laugh about it, even when she mistakenly went to dinner with me and asked for a table for two. She quickly corrected herself, and as we conversed during dinner, we both heard the whispers and saw the stares. Monai didn’t care. As long as we were together, she was good.

  As for the baby, Monai was on cloud nine. She was the one who actually came up with the name; we would call our baby girl Libby. I don’t know why she’d chosen that name, but at this point, I agreed to do anything that made her happy. I wanted her to be happy—that was all that ever mattered to me.

  We were on our way back from Monai showing a newly married couple a house. While driving, she was on her cell phone, making reservations for an upcoming trip to Vegas we’d planned. Monai felt like we needed to go on our honeymoon. I was all for it, and whatever she wanted to do I was fine with it. I just didn’t appreciate the way she was driving.

  “Baby, you need to wrap up that conversation real soon and pay attention to the road,” I said. “Straight ahead to your left is a stolen car with two young men inside. They’re dangerous and they’re looking for someone else to rob. If you pull this car next to them, the outcome may no
t be good.”

  Monai quickly ended the call and placed the phone in the console next to her. She looked at the passenger’s side, as if she could see me.

  “Should I call the police?” she asked. “What if they rob someone else?”

  “They probably will, but calling the police will do no good. What’s meant to be will be. I’m just able to warn you.”

  “Thank you, but I wish you could explain this to me a bit more so I can understand how you’re able to speak to me and I can hear you. I know I’ve said it a million times already, but I didn’t think this was possible at all.”

  “It happens more than you think. If you ever wonder why things don’t happen if or when or how you want them to, just know that things are being worked out for your betterment on the other end. Some people are able to hear their loved ones. People just have to be open to receiving the conversation like you are.”

  “Soooo, when your dad died, did you hear from him?”

  “Sometimes I did, but only in my dreams. Never like this though. Every situation is different and most people prefer to let their loved ones rest in peace.”

  “Are you saying I didn’t allow you to rest in peace?”

  “Nope. What I’m saying is, we’re in this together, more than you may ever know.”

  Monai was real quiet. When we got back to her place, she removed the mail from the mailbox and went inside. While leaning against the kitchen’s counter, she flipped through the mail. I saw her eyes grow wide and then she flipped the envelope over. After she read the content, she tucked a letter inside of a magazine. She scratched her head, before opening the refrigerator to get something to drink.

  “Are you going to tell me what the letter was about?” I asked.

  She cleared her throat then turned up a small milk carton to drink from it. “You probably already know, don’t you?”

  “I don’t want to assume anything. Tell me, or should I say, read it to me.”

  “I don’t want to.”

  “Why not?”

  “You already know why.”

  “Because it’s from Demetrious?”