Black Love

by Brenda Hampton

  She lowered her head and bit into her lip. “What do you want me to say? I didn’t think he would write me.”

  “Well, he did. Read the letter out loud so I can hear what he has to say.”

  I asked her to read it, even though I’d already known exactly what it said. She unfolded the letter and started to read:

  Dear my beautiful Mo. I guess you didn’t expect me to reach out to you, but all I do up in here is think about you day in and out. I regret what I did, but I only did it because I love you so much. Love can make you do crazy things at times and I’m sure you understand what I mean by that for sure. My trial will be coming soon. It would make me so happy if I could somehow speak to you before then. I heard that you may have to testify against me, but in my heart, I know you would never do that. We’ve always had this special bond, one that could never be broken. I need you more than I have ever needed you before, and if you only knew what I’ve been going through in this place. I cry almost every night, praying and wishing that I could see you again. Wishing things could be different, and thinking about the last time we made love. Damn, it shouldn’t have ended like it did. I made a big mistake. We could be together right now and I hate I fucked up. I hope you’ve had time to think about this, and more than anything, I hope to hear from you soon. I want you to come see me, please, I just need to see you before I go crazy up in here. Love you, baby. Forever yours, Demetrious.

  Monai placed the letter back inside of the magazine, like she was trying to hide it. I almost hated to ask her the next question, but I had to.

  “Are you going to go see him?”

  There was a sharp silence, before she replied. “I . . . I don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel so horrible about all of this, and I do feel bad for Demetrious too. I hate what he did to you, but I’m the one to blame for this. It’s my fault that you’re de—” she paused and refused to say the words. “It’s my fault that I can’t see you and that he’s in jail. I know that being there is no picnic and Demetrious isn’t going to survive in there.”

  “So damn what,” I said, raising my voice. “Who gives a damn if he survives or not in there? He committed a horrible crime and that’s where criminals belong. Either there or in hell. Take your pick. I guess that’s too much for you to think about, and I guess you really do want to go see him, right?”

  She didn’t answer. I was pissed. If only she could see my face right now. How in the hell could she even consider going to go see him? Didn’t she know all he wanted her to do was not testify against him? I wasn’t so sure if she was going to do it, or in her current state of mind she could do it.

  “Listen to me, Nate, okay? I feel horrible about all of this. You know I do and . . .”

  “Say no more, Monai. Do whatever the hell you want to do and please don’t feel bad for fucking me over again. If you want to go see him, go do it. If you feel bad about testifying, don’t. That way he can get out of jail, you can go back to him and the two of you can finish what you started.”

  She folded her arms across her chest and looked around the room. “You’re being so unfair to me. You know I want Demetrious to pay for what he did to you, but it still doesn’t help me not think about how much of this is my fault. I, at least, want to know where his head is, that’s all.”

  “I know where his head was and that’s good enough for me. It was in your mouth the day I was killed and in your pussy, in case you forgot.”

  Monai dropped her arms and stood in the middle of the kitchen, looking around again.

  “I knew you were mad at me. This is about revenge, isn’t it? You’re doing this to hurt me, aren’t you?”

  “I’m not doing anything to you. You’re the one who is going to hurt yourself, and I’m not going to be around to watch it happen. Good bye, Monai. Go make sure your man is okay, and don’t bother testifying against him. It’ll be a waste of your time.”

  “No, wait!” she shouted. “Don’t go, Nate, please don’t go! I didn’t mean to upset you. All I was trying to tell you was how bad I felt about this.”

  I didn’t respond. And for the next several days, I wanted her to think long and hard about this, without hearing a peep from me.

  Monai

  Chapter Nine

  Yet again, I was miserable. Nate hadn’t spoken one word to me, especially since Demetrious had sent another letter, begging me to come see him. I replied in a letter that I would come. I’d had my reasons, and he would know all about it when I got there.

  In the meantime, I kept walking around my house like a crazy fool, begging Nate to say something. Even when I shouted out and told him I’d made up my mind about going to see Demetrious, I still got no response. I thought my decision would be enough to anger him and make him respond, but it wasn’t. Then, I was so sure he would be around for my doctor’s appointments. He wasn’t. I felt so alone; the thought of him never saying anything else to me again troubled me.

  “I know you’re there,” I said, putting on my shoes. “But you’re being so stubborn about this. I thought we were supposed to talk things out and be there for each other. I guess not, huh?”

  Nothing. There was nothing and deep down I just wanted to cry. Simply, because, I didn’t know if Nate would ever speak to me again. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him the truth about how I’d felt when I’d gotten that stupid letter. Something inside told me he’d already known what it said. He just wanted to know how I felt about it.

  “Well,” I said, snatching my keys off the table. “I’m getting ready to go see Demetrious. If you don’t want me to go, stop me. Say something or else I’m going.”

  Yet again, there was nothing. I walked to my car, and on the two-hour drive, I kept turning my head to look at the passenger’s seat. I blasted the radio to annoy Nate, if he was there, and I kept rolling my eyes to show my frustrations. Just as I crossed over some train tracks, a speeding car flew by me and almost tore off the front of my car. I had to slam hard on the brakes; my heart was racing so fast I clenched my chest. I pulled over to the curb, then turned down the volume to calm myself for a few minutes. Feeling so out of it, I closed my eyes, and lowered my window halfway to get some fresh air.

  “You didn’t even warn me about that car. Do you want me to die?” I asked. “I’m starting to feel like you want me to die.”

  I waited, but Nate didn’t respond. As a few tears rolled down my face, I wiped them and sat up straight.

  “You did this to make me crazy, didn’t you?” I continued. “You’re haunting me and you’re trying to make me believe you’re really here. You hate me so much that you would want to hurt me and your child. That’s cold, Nate, and I thought you’d forgiven me.”

  There was nothing but silence. I guess I’d had my answer. As I got ready to pull off, there was a hard knock on the window. It startled me and caused me to snap my head to the side.

  “Say, bitch,” said a young boy who was on a rusty bike. He had to be around twelve or thirteen years old. “You got ten dollars to spare?”

  I cocked my head back and frowned. Frustration was written all over my face as I lowered the window more. “Excuse me, but I am not a bitch. If I did have ten dollars, I damn sure wouldn’t give it to you.”

  “Then that makes you a broke bitch. Fuck you too, you crazy trick. Sitting in a damn car, talking to yo’self. You need to go get you some help. Quick, fast and in a hurry.”

  My mouth was wide open as he rode off on the bike. I couldn’t believe a young boy would speak that way to me; so many kids were out of control these days. Where in the hell were his parents at? I was so upset that I sped off and looked straight ahead without saying another word.

  “Don’t look in the rearview mirror,” Nate said. “You’re not going to like what you’re about to see.”

  I started not to look, but when I did, I saw the train breeze by quickly and I heard the loud horn blow. I also saw one wheel from the boy’s bike spinning and the rest of it had been crushed by the train. I covered my mouth w
ith one hand and looked at Nate.

  “Did the train just hit him?” I asked in a panic. “Please tell me it didn’t.”

  “What’s meant to be will be.”

  “I need to go back there and help him. This . . . this is terrible, Nate, we have to do something.”

  “There’s nothing we can do. It’s over.”

  I looked in the rearview mirror again. “Did you make that happen to him? Please tell me you didn’t. He didn’t have to die like that, just because he was disrespectful.”

  “I had no control over what just happened. I knew it was coming, but . . .”

  “Why didn’t you say anything to me then? I could’ve warned him.”

  “He never would’ve listened to you. Period.”

  No, he wouldn’t have listened. I was so distraught that after I called 911, I didn’t say another word. I couldn’t stop thinking about the boy; why did I have to be so mean to him? Maybe if I had given him the ten dollars, he would’ve gone in another direction. There I was feeling at fault again. It wasn’t a good feeling, but my mind shifted elsewhere when I arrived at the jailhouse where Demetrious was. I didn’t say anything to Nate; he still wasn’t talking to me.

  I went inside of the jailhouse, waited for an hour or so before I could see Demetrious, and when my name was finally called, I made my way toward a guard. I was patted down and then escorted into a so-called private room. A room that Demetrious said was made available to inmates who were considered special. In the second letter he’d sent, he expressed his urgency to see me.

  I sat in the musty smelling, stuffy room with concrete walls for nearly ten more minutes. There were no windows, just two chairs on each side of a small, square table. The tile floor was filthy, and in the corner of the room was a water dispenser stand with paper cups on top. As I looked around, I wondered where Nate stood. I knew he was here, but this was the first time I couldn’t really feel his presence. I didn’t want to say anything, especially since I’d felt like cameras were somewhere in here watching my every move. I squinted at what appeared to be gum on the wall, but as I was just about ready to get out of the chair to see what it really was, that was when the heavy metal door flew open. The first person I saw was the security guard who had brought me to the room. The second person I saw was Demetrious.

  “You got fifteen minutes,” said the guard to Demetrious. “If you gon’ get you some, eliminate the talking and make it quick.”

  Demetrious smiled and slapped his hand with the guard. I was surprised to see that he wasn’t wearing handcuffs. His dreads had been shaved off; he now had thick, flowing waves. Skin wasn’t as butter soft as it used to look, but he still looked handsome. The light blue, button-down shirt and jeans he wore were too big. His clothes hid his muscular frame, but for some reason, he looked so much bigger.

  “Well, well, well,” he said, taking a seat in the chair across from me. He cocked his neck from side-to-side, then he put his hands on the table, clenching them together. “It’s like a breath of fresh air seeing you. What took you so long to get here? I’ve written you like five or six times already.”

  I gazed across the table at him with my eyes narrowed to slits. “I didn’t get five or six letters from you, only two. And you’re so lucky I came here to see you, but I had to because you need to hear what I have to say.”

  “I’m sure that would be a lot, but I hope you heard what the guard said. I only have fifteen minutes, so keep the convo short and make it quick. I hope we’ll be able to do a little something before you go, if you know what I mean by that.”

  He winked at me. I winced and rolled my eyes. “Are you out of your mind? I didn’t come here to do no such thing with you, so you can get that out of your head.”

  Nate’s voice was clear. “I wonder what you would say if I wasn’t here? Stop with the fakeness and bend over on the table to give your man some.”

  I fired back at him. “Don’t you dare disrespect me like that. Shut up or go somewhere else, please.”

  “Huh?” Demetrious said with a twisted face. “Who in the hell are you talking to? Me?”

  I shook my head and rolled my eyes again. “I was just thinking about something, but let me repeat what I said. I didn’t come here to have sex with you. The only reason I’m here is to let you know I’m sorry for what I did. But . . .”

  “Damn!” Nate interrupted me again. “How many times are you going to apologize? I get tired of hearing it. Sorry, sorry, sorry.”

  “If you’re tired of hearing it,” I shouted. “Get out then!”

  “What?” Demetrious said then scooted his chair back. “What in the fuck is wrong with you?”

  “Nothing.” I wiped across my sweaty forehead and addressed Demetrious again. “Look, okay. I just wanted to say I’m sorry for what I did, but what you did to Nate was disgusting. You have to pay for what you did, and no matter what you say or how regretful I am about all of this, if I’m called to testify against you I will. I have already told the police everything. I’m sure they have the gun you used, and I hope you’ll confess to what you did.”

  “I won’t confess to anything, because I didn’t do anything. You were out there when those niggas drove by and shot up your man. Word on the street is, he had a whole lot of enemies. There was I guy on the news who said he saw everything. Maybe I’ll reach out to him. He’ll testify and tell the truth. I don’t know why you lied on me, and you know I don’t have a dangerous bone in my body. Besides, there was no gun found in my possession. This case may come down to my word, the man who said he saw everything word, against yours.”

  “This muthafucka is crazy,” Nate said then chuckled. “How could you even be with somebody like him?”

  I didn’t respond to him. I responded to Demetrious instead. “Do you really think your lie is going to hold up in court? Don’t play yourself like that, Demetrious. You know what you did and so does the police. The last thing you could do is take responsibility for killing Nate. Don’t you have any remorse? You hurt a lot of people, and Nate didn’t deserve what you did to him. In addition to all of that, I have your letters. You confessed and the police will get those letters soon.”

  Demetrious leaned back in the chair and placed his hands behind his head. A wicked smirk was on his face; he glared at me while licking across his lips.

  “All I ask is that you sit this one out,” he said. “Toss the letters, keep your mouth shut and let the judicial system do what it needs to do. It’s the least you can do for me; after all, this really is your fault. Nate could still be alive, and I wouldn’t even be in here if it wasn’t for you. You weren’t able to save him, but you can still save me. You owe me that, Mo, so think about what I’m saying to you and do the right thing.”

  I didn’t hesitate to reply. “There is nothing for me to think about. If I’m asked to testify, I will. If you want to continue to lie about what happened and not take responsibility for your actions, that’s on you. I’m here to get closure today. The only thing I came here to make clear was I’m sorry, but you will, indeed, pay for killing the man I love.”

  Demetrious removed his hands from behind his head and cracked his knuckles. He sucked his teeth while glaring at me; I had a gut feeling he was about to jump across the table and attempt to beat my ass. But right as he shifted in the chair, it went back some more and he fell hard on his ass. His elbows smacked the floor too, and with an embarrassed expression washed over his face, he slowly got up and wiped dirt from his jeans.

  “Fuck,” he said, looking at the chair that now had two broken legs. “How in the hell did that happen?”

  I shrugged. “Who knows? Maybe a ghost did it.”

  He cut his eyes at me and stood with his arms folded across his chest. “Fuck you and your ghost. You’d better think long and hard about what I said. Because if you testify against me, and I get out of here, there will be a price to pay. And trust me when I say I will get out of here.”

  For whatever reason, his words didn’t put one ou
nce of fear in me. In no way did I believe he would get out of here; only in his dreams.

  Demetrious knocked on the door, and a few seconds later the guard opened it. He looked at the broken chair on the floor and laughed.

  “Damn boy. Looks like shit got real up in here,” said the guard. “And with her fine ass, I thought you would be much longer.”

  “Nah, I’m good,” Demetrious said. “Said everything I needed to say and I will say no more.”

  He shot me an evil glare and winked before walking out the door. Afterward, the guard escorted me back to the waiting area, where I paid for a soda from the soda machine and left. The second I got in the car, I turned my head to look at the passenger’s side.

  “Now do you understand why it was so important for me to come here?” I asked Nate.

  He didn’t respond.

  “Fine then. Stay mad for as long as you want to. I’m not saying anything else to you either.”

  I drove off the parking lot and took the two-hour drive back home in silence. When I got there, I showered, changed into my pajamas and popped some popcorn so I could watch TV in the living room. As I was eating, I could feel Nate’s presence and smell his scent.

  “I wish you would say something. How long are we going to go on like this?” I asked with frustration in my voice.

  “Not much longer, I promise. It’s almost a wrap.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “It means exactly what I said. By the way, Demetrious is going to walk.”

  “Walk how? What do you mean by he’s going to walk?”

  “He’s not going to get charged for my murder. He will walk free.”

  “Like hell he’s not. I’m going to make sure he gets charged, and there is no jury on this earth who will allow him to get away with what he did.”

  “Are you serious? After all that has happened in this country, do you really have that much faith in the judicial system?”

  “I don’t have a lot of faith, but I know for a fact Demetrious will be charged and sent to prison for a very long time. I can’t believe you think he will get out of this. Not as long as I’m alive, and I will make it clear to the police, again, and to the jury, that he’s a monster who needs to be behind bars for the rest of his life.”