by Lauren Wood
“I'm saying… I'm saying that we can't be together, Steven. I don't think you really understand how much it hurts me to say it, but there's no way that this can carry on like it has.”
“So, you're ready to end it, just like that?”
“I don't really have a choice. You’re the one that is going around trying to attack people, like some crazy person. Just because Doug wanted us to be together, didn't mean that I was ever going to be with him again. You were the one that I wanted, but you have ruined that now. My children love their father, and it doesn't really matter how much of a jerk he is. I know that he did not have you attacked and now I have to side with sanity.”
“What if I bring you proof?”
I sighed out loud and kind of rolled my eyes. I wanted him to realize what was right in front of him. I was so frustrated with the whole situation that I almost didn't care.
“That would be a different story, but we both know that you're not going to find the proof that you're looking for. He had nothing to do with it. I have known him for a very long time, and I will be honest and say, that he never displayed the capabilities to do such a thing. I don’t think that he has this dark side I don’t know about. Doug just doesn’t.”
“Then what happened Bonnie, cause none of this makes any sense?”
I once again reiterated what Jesse told me. Maybe it was just a lifestyle choice that he had made in the city, that came back to haunt him here in Ridgewood. I don't know what it was that happened, but it didn't have anything to do with me, and it didn't have anything to do with Doug.
“I can't believe that you would actually consider that the truth. I don't know who told you all of those things, but you really need to trust me a little bit more. I have never lied to you, and I don't know why you insist on thinking the worst of me. If you want me to go, I will go. Thank you for your hospitality and everything else. I don't want to go, but if that's what you really want of me, that’s what I'll do.”
It wasn't what I wanted at all, but considering what Doug had told me and the threats that he had made, I don't think that I really had a choice. I couldn’t lose my kids because of my love life. I don't even know if I loved Steven. Whatever I felt for him was pretty damn strong, but it wasn't something that was going to supersede what I felt for my children. That just wasn't something that I could ever consider.
When he left, I could feel a part of me dying inside. I don't know when I had started feeling so much for him, but I knew now that I had. It was a little too late. I couldn't stop anything, so here I was.
I went to sit down and felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. It was the same feeling that I had when I first moved to Ridgewood. For a while there, that feeling had gone away, but now it was back. I think I know why it was back too.
Steven had come in and just swept me off of my feet. He had come out of nowhere and now I was saddened to think that I was supposed to go back to the way things were before we met. I never want to go back there, but now I didn't have a choice.
That night I stayed awake for hours. It would have been easier just to take something to go to sleep or even better, to go next door and lay down with the man that I’d fallen for. I could have made it so that I wasn't taking it all personally. It wasn't like he had done all this stuff to me. He had done it to my ex-husband.
But then again, Doug could cause problems, and he had already threatened to do so if I didn't take care of it. So here I was taking care of it, even if it killed me.
It really felt like it just might.
24
Steven
I was not sure what I was supposed to do. Bonnie was pissed off at me. She was madder than I had ever seen her before, and I hated that it was me that all of the emotions were directed at. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry. I don't know what happened. Don’t ask me why I went over there.
I still wasn't even sure if he was actually the one that did it. My gut told me he did, but that wasn't enough for Bonnie. It wasn't enough for the police either, I'm sure.
I stayed up that night and wondered if she was ever going to be able to forgive me. I liked to believe that when she found out what was happening, she would of course want to help me. Anyway, she didn't want to help me and I really needed her to just accept what I had done. I'd gone over to Doug’s place of business and I had gotten into it with him. I'd been so sure that he was the cause of the attack, but I still didn’t have proof. Bonnie was right. I needed proof.
The sun was barely out in the sky and I was trying to figure out a way to make it happen. If she needed proof, then the only way that this was ever going to work was if I showed it to her. Which meant that I needed to figure it out without a shred of a doubt. That might be hard to do now though, because of Doug and my temper revealing too much.
I went to the Police Department as soon as it was open and wanted to know some information about who had attacked me. I wanted to know where they were in their investigation, because maybe it would help me in mine. I talked to Lieutenant Sexton. We had gone to school together, and I was thankful that we got along back then. He tried to be helpful as much as possible, telling me everything that they found at the scene that I had not been aware of. I got all of the information that I could and then I left.
Lieutenant Sexton had not found much. They had asked a lot of questions, but it was hard for them to figure it out because there was nowhere to start. I didn't give them a list of enemies because I didn't really have any. I floated the idea about it being one of Bonnie’s boyfriends, but he told me that that probably wasn't the case.
“If this was over a girl, then maybe you picked the wrong girl, Steven.”
I shook my head because I didn't want to believe it. Bonnie was mine and I wasn't going to let anybody heed my conquer, even if they wanted to raise a ruckus.
I wasn't going anywhere. Not without Bonnie.
I woke up with a start. At some point, I had fallen asleep and I knew that it was likely because of all the prescriptions I was still taking. It was going to be awhile until I was one hundred percent well, and that was part of the reason that I wanted to figure out what was going on while I had all this time. Now though, I wasn't worried about that. Instead I was worried about who was at my door so that they would stop knocking. My head was splitting in two with each booming sound.
It was already dark outside and though it wasn't too late, I was still surprised to see Jake standing there at the doorway. Immediately, I asked him if his mother knew that he was there, and he got a little upset about the question.
“I am almost eight. I can go next door if I want to.”
“So, she doesn’t know that you’re here?”
He shook his head and told me that there was no way that his mom was going to let him come over.
“I don't know what you did to her, but she is really mad. You need to apologize, so that she'll forgive you and you can come back over.”
I agreed. Instead of turning him around and sending him back to his mother’s right away, which I probably should have done, I invited him in. He had a lot going on between his mom and his dad divorcing and fighting. His father was the main reason that me and Bonnie had broken up. I knew without a shadow of a doubt, that it was all Doug’s fault, but that had nothing to do with Jake. Jake was innocent and when I’d lived there, I’d gotten to know both of Bonnie’s kids. They were sweet. I never had any kids of my own, and maybe I had gotten attached a bit too soon and a bit too much.
“Why don't we just watch a little television for a little bit? You can tell me what's going on and maybe I can help you.”
“You and my mom broke up. That's what's going on.”
“Well sometimes situations with adults is harder to deal with. Your mom and me are just taking a little break. I'm sure that we will see each other again. I mean, we live next door after all.”
“It's not the same though. You had mom happy. She was singing again and laughing. She was completely different. Now she'
s back to her sad-self like she was when they got divorced. I don't want to see her like that anymore.”
I tried to explain to him again that grown-up relationships were a lot more complicated than children’s were. It made me think though, why was it so complicated? I loved her and I knew that she loved me, so instead of fighting about little things, why couldn't we figure it out?
“I'm not a child, Steven. I know that girls are complicated. And I know that my mom is complicated, but maybe you could find it in your heart to forgive her.”
“It's not your mother's fault that we're not talking. It's my fault.”
“Oh.”
He looked at me a little unsure and I wondered if he was going to be so quick to demonize me, as he had his own mother. Whatever it was, it felt strange to be having this conversation. Jake wasn’t my kid and I had just broken up with his mother, or rather she had just broken up with me. I told him that we should go out on the porch and get some fresh air. In reality I was waiting for his mom to look outside and find her son over at my place. Maybe it would give us an excuse to talk and then all of this would have been for something.
It wasn't long before Bonnie was rushing outside with this worried look on her face. I knew that she had just realized that she couldn't find her oldest kid and she was looking for him. I should have sent him back over there. I didn't want her to be upset and stressed out like that. Which obviously she was.
“He's over here, Bonnie. Everything is fine.”
I looked over at Jake and told him that he should be getting home now.
“Your mom is worried and looking for you. Why don't you go home, and I will see you later? You know that you're always welcome to come over here, even if we don't get along anymore. You're always welcome, Jake.”
I could tell that he didn't like the idea of it, but he still agreed. The kid had the most soulful dark brown eyes, just like his mother. There was obviously more that was going on in his mind, and I told him that I was always there to talk to him.
He got up and reluctantly went back over to his house. I don't know what he was trying to accomplish coming over to my place to begin with, but in a way, it had brought me and his mother together, even if just for a little while.
I waved at Bonnie when Jake was in the house and she was still outside on the porch looking over at me. I felt like if I had said the right thing in that moment, then maybe everything would have changed. Maybe she would had forgiven me and saw that I wasn't trying to make her life complicated. It just happened sometimes.
“Hey, Bonnie.”
But then she didn't come towards me. She wasn't running into my arms for a kiss. Instead, she gave me this bored look and shook her head. The next minute she was inside, and I was not feeling like I should have said and done more. It was hard to shake the feeling that I had screwed everything up. I had said the wrong thing, done the wrong thing, and now I had lost her for good. Again.
I almost made it through the evening without going over to Bonnie’s. I kept telling myself that I needed to give her time and to give her space. But then again, I was also thinking about what her son had said and how she had been so much happier when the two of us were together. Because I had made her happy. I wanted to believe that. I wanted to believe that I made Bonnie smile more than before. She’d certainly made me happy in more ways than I could have imagined.
So, instead of trying to sleep with another sleepless night without her, I went over to her house. I knocked on the door quietly because I knew the kids were sleeping. I wanted some time to talk and figure it all out. I had gone out of line, when I went to see her ex-husband, even if he did something to me. I shouldn’t have gone over there. I should have taken care of it with my head, not my emotions.
I knocked again, not that hard, wondering if she would even talk to me. The truth was, that I didn't even know what the hell I was going to say to her. I had already apologized repeatedly, but it didn't seem to be enough. Maybe it wasn't going to be enough, no matter what I did. It wouldn't be the first time that I was in a situation like that.
Bonnie did answer and she was only wearing a thin robe. I had to think that she knew it was me at the door and she chose to open it up, looking like that. She could have just not thought about it and ripped the door open, without realizing that most of her supple curves were on display. I didn't like to think that though. I liked to believe that she wanted to entice me, because she was doing so in record time.
“I thought I said that we needed a little time away from each other?”
“I know that's what we said, but I miss you. What's going on between us has been pretty strong. It's hard for me just to pretend like none of it ever happened. I can't forget about you and after all that time together, I would never be able to just walk away from you, Bonnie. I need you to forgive me, so that we can move forward. You just have to tell me what it is I can do to make that happen.”
Bonnie just sort of shrugged her shoulders, like she had no idea.
“I have no idea how to make this better. It isn't like I'm mad at you personally. I just don't understand why you had to make everything so complicated. If Doug is the person who did it and like I said before, I really don't believe that he is, but if he is, then you have to let the police do their job.”
I could understand how I had made everything a lot more complicated. Especially since her and Doug had just gotten divorced and there were custody agreements. The way I had acted at his job and all of the witnesses that had seen it, I had made her life unnecessarily complicated.
In my defense of course, a lot of what happened between the two of us wasn’t seen, though it could have been heard. It was all pretty much one-sided, but I knew that I had escalated it. Going over there and accusing him of such a thing with no proof had been the easiest way to bring it to the forefront. I wanted to imagine that I could fix it, but I was still stumped on how I was going to do so.
“I understand what you're saying. I made a very poor choice when I decided to go over there. I really thought that I could somehow smooth it over and he would admit to what he did. I really don't know what I thought was going to happen, but it wasn't this. I wasn't trying to make this harder on you. I definitely was not trying to lose you, Bonnie. That was the last thing on my mind.”
Bonnie leaned against the doorway. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her body. I missed it so much. My lust was never going to be slacked with her around. Even in the most serious times, I was dreaming of getting her back in my arms.
“You certainly made it more difficult. I already had enough going on to deal with Doug and bringing you into the mix was my own fault. I shouldn’t have done that. I should have just told my job that I couldn't make it and gone to pick up my kids myself. I can't act like this isn't my fault.”
“It's not your fault, Bonnie. I lost my cool and made a mistake.”
It was true too. I was the one that had fucked up and she was the one that was going to pay for it. I needed to fix that before I fixed anything else.
“So, what are we going to do about it? Are you going to let me come in and make it better? I have a lot of penance to get out.”
She paused and then refused. “I want to say yes, really I do, but I don’t think that I can. We have to let this go between us, until we can figure out a way forward. I don’t know what that is yet. It’s a mess.”
I walked away, back home. I was deflated that she hadn’t let me make it up to her, but I had hope. She hadn’t pushed me away immediately. I wanted to believe just that alone gave me a sliver of a chance.
I was going to have to work on finding my assailant. It was the only way that all of this was going to be possible to put behind us. That’s what I really needed to happen right now. The rest of it didn’t matter. I just needed to find out the truth, so that we could move on.
25
Bonnie
The next morning was my first day off since me and Steven had broken up. I don't even know if that's what it really
was. It had only been a couple of weeks that we had been talking in such a way. Everything had happened so quickly. It was hard to imagine the level of emotions that I felt for him, after such a short amount of time. It was all so devastating. It shouldn’t have been, but it was.
Jake was probably the first one to say that he missed him. I was happy of course, because they had connected in such a way. But it was hard to have to explain to my child as well why Steven wasn’t going to be coming over as much.
Both of my children could see right through me, and I don't know if it was just them in particular or if I was an open book. I don't know if I liked either one of those scenarios.
When they got off to school, I got a knock on the door. I was nervous that it was going to be Steven. I wasn't ready to deal with him right now. But it wasn't him, and I was immediately relieved at who was standing there.
“Christina! It is so good to see you. You cannot imagine how good it is to see you, and how badly I’ve been wanting to talk to you.”
I hugged her tight against me and asked her how she was doing. It was just beyond the limit, to see her standing right in front of me. It was like she knew that I needed her.
“What are you doing here?”
“I told you I was going to come out and see you as quickly as I could. We have some things to talk about.”
“Yeah, but I thought it was going to be a while. You don't know how happy I am to see you. Everything is so different here and I need someone that actually knows me. I need advice that I can actually trust.”
She got serious for a moment and asked me what was going on. For a minute, I didn't even want to say anything, because it was so unlike me to get wrapped up in this kind of mess. Or maybe it wasn't. I did have a reputation for falling hard and fast and not being able to get back up. Maybe this was just one of those scenarios. I thought I had moved on from this life.
