Having made it this far, he couldn’t decide whether to curse her for managing to convince him to come or thank her for the gift of her smile. And it was a gift. The ray of light that started in her eyes then lit her face before curving her rosy lips was a true work of art.
Looking at her made him question how his life had spiraled to this. To where he was reduced to a mass of nerves when he left the sanctuary of his home. He remembered those first few weeks after leaving the Navy. It had only taken him two or three outings to realize how unsettling the world was compared to the quiet peace of his library. When he studied books, he could quiet the cries in his head and push aside the terrible memories of his last mission. The less he ventured out, the more normal he could pretend he was.
But it was all a lie.
If it hadn’t been for that one word in her last message, please, he wouldn’t be in this precarious position. He kept his gaze on her, doing his best to ignore the growing crowd around him. The volume of voices in the lecture hall rose, adding to his discomfort. The sound was far too similar to the cries of soldiers. He didn’t care to be reminded of those terrible days in Africa. It made him want to hold his hands over his ears, or worse, yell until everyone shut the hell up.
That would be unacceptable, for then everyone would see the brute he tried so hard to hide. Each time he went out, it threatened to reveal itself. The thin façade of civility he wore was only a mask, nothing more, and a fragile one at that.
Focusing on Julia made it easier to keep that persona in place, as though he were normal and didn’t require a massive effort to pretend it was true when in situations such as this.
“Thank you so much for coming,” she whispered, leaning so close he caught her sweet scent.
He drew it in, one more tether to hold his sanity in place. Her hand remained on his arm, and he dearly wanted to place his own over it so he could keep it there. With effort, he attempted to gather his thoughts for a reply. “Your message sounded rather desperate.”
“I fear Father is taking your project far too seriously.”
“But it is serious.” He frowned, wondering if he hadn’t made that clear.
“I understand, but Father’s health is also of concern.” She glanced around as though to make certain he wasn’t within hearing distance. “He isn’t eating. He hardly moves from his desk. I had to lure him out this afternoon and have the carriage drop us a short distance away so he would get some exercise.”
Oliver frowned. “If it’s too much for him, then convince him to sell me the book. I have no wish to cause him harm.”
“But it’s also the reason he’s taking an interest in life again. I just want him to find some balance.”
“Balance?” Oliver asked. That was a concept he had yet to grasp himself. In fact, he was no longer certain it was possible.
“Balancing purpose with pleasure is the path to a healthy life. My aunt is convinced of it.”
He didn’t hear anything beyond the word “pleasure.” The mere mention of the term coming from her sent need coursing through him. His focus shifted to the line of her jaw, the upsweep of her hair that revealed the length of her alabaster neck. Her hat was a clever arrangement in a lilac shade that matched her gown. The simple neckline drew his gaze to the creamy expanse that led to the swell of her breasts.
“Don’t you agree?”
His gaze moved up to her face, and he realized he’d missed what she’d just said. He glanced away, giving a noncommittal sound that could be taken as a response. Somehow he had to gather his wits if he wanted to survive this afternoon.
The Earl of Burnham and several of his friends descended on them. Oliver rose to greet them, keeping Julia as close to his side as he could. Having her there helped make the curious gazes and questions bearable. Her presence soothed him in a way he wasn’t ready to question. He only knew he needed her.
“Enjoyed your article on Charlemagne’s realm, Frost,” one elderly man said after Burnham had made introductions. “What were your sources?”
Before he could answer, another man interjected. “Your arguments as to why chivalry is still relevant were quite fascinating.”
Oliver soon realized he didn’t have to participate in the conversation, merely nod at times. They all seemed to like to hear themselves talk and continually interrupted or talked over each other.
When the moderator called for everyone to take their seats, he gratefully took his beside Julia. That seemed to be the only way to remain calm. He was pleased she’d chosen to sit in the rear of the room, which put the majority of the people in view. He didn’t care to have his back to the entrance, but it eased his mind to know few, if any, were behind him.
After Mr. Morris’s numerous accomplishments were noted, he moved to stand on the podium. The man was rather engaging as a speaker, adding personal anecdotes while he shared his research. Medievalism was making a revival in many circles. He argued the reason for this was because modern times were dirty and fast-paced with the onset of industrialism. Daily life had changed significantly, from things such as travel to new inventions in the home. The medieval period might be viewed as dark by some, but others looked upon it as a simpler time, romantic in many ways.
Oliver supposed much of that was true, though if anyone in this room actually found themselves living in medieval times, they might think differently. Running water, gas lights, and toilets were only a few modern conveniences that came to mind.
As the lecture became loftier with Morris’s theories, he noted Julia beginning to fidget. At first, it was merely the toe of her shoe tapping idly. Then it moved to her hands as she adjusted each and every finger of her gloves. Then she sighed and eased closer to him.
The speaker’s voice became nothing but a buzzing sound in his head as Oliver’s focus moved solely to the lady beside him. The heat of her body seeped into his. He shifted as though to adjust his legs but managed to move closer. Her father sat on the opposite side of her and appeared completely engrossed in the lecture.
Oliver moved his hand to rest near hers, the need to hold it surprising him. He couldn’t deny that he liked to touch her, but this longing involved more than that. He enjoyed being in her presence. She soothed his rough edges and eased his worries. He couldn’t help but frown at the realization.
“What is it?” she asked, her whisper in his ear sending chills down his back.
Unable to resist, he turned to face her, so they were almost touching. Almost, but not quite. Close enough that a sizzle of awareness filled him. After a long moment, he drew back to look into her eyes, curious to know if she felt a physical reaction too.
The sparkle of awareness in those blue eyes pleased him more than it should’ve. She blinked several times as though to clear it. “Is something amiss?”
“I might ask the same of you.” She was the one who couldn’t sit still.
“Why?” she asked, her voice barely audible, despite how close they were.
“You seem restless.”
She looked back at the speaker as though feigning listening. A few moments later, she whispered, “These chairs are terribly uncomfortable.”
Her father leaned forward to frown at her. She nodded in understanding and looked at the speaker again, staying still for several minutes before the fidgeting began once more.
Oliver didn’t believe the chairs were the problem. She was much like a butterfly, only coming to rest for a brief time before fluttering away. The least he could do was provide a distraction to aid her as she so often did for him. He leaned close to whisper, “What did you mean when you wrote ‘please’ in your message?”
A lovely blush filled her cheeks, but he wasn’t certain why. For a moment, he didn’t think she’d answer.
“I really wanted you to attend.”
He stilled, trying to determine what she meant. Rather than answering his question, she’d created another.
She leaned close again, and he felt the expulsion of her breath in his ear—felt i
t down to his toes. “You were the only reason my father agreed to come.”
It took a moment for her words to sink in. Disappointment quickly followed. How ridiculous to think she might want to spend time with him. Of course, she didn’t. Who would? He was gruff. His manners lacked polish after years of little use. Nor did he want her to want to spend time with him.
He closed his eyes as he realized how absurd that sounded even in his own mind.
In truth, he had nothing to offer this woman, nor did he have any intention of changing that. He was unfit company by any stretch of the imagination even with his thin mask of civility.
“Thank you again.” She reached out and placed that gloved hand on his thigh for a brief moment. The contact felt glorious.
He stared at the pale glove against his dark trousers, wishing it would stay there as much as he feared it would.
Then it was gone, taking her heat with it.
The remainder of the lecture passed slowly. While aware of Julia’s restless form beside him, he still managed to find parts of the presentation interesting.
When applause filled the room at the end of it, Oliver rose and stepped outside, needing space. He leaned against one of the tall, marble columns that graced the front of the building, partially shielded from the entrance. To his relief, most people remained inside to talk with each other or the speaker.
Julia followed him within a few minutes. “You’re not leaving already, are you? Father wanted a few minutes of your time.”
“Just needed some fresh air.”
“I don’t blame you,” she said with an understanding that seemed far too perceptive. “That was quite the crowd. Normally there aren’t so many in attendance.”
“Do you always come with your father?”
“Not unless I have to. It’s difficult to sit still for that long.” She stood directly before him, a hint of a smile gracing her lips.
He refrained from touching her, but she didn’t seem to have the same problem. She placed her hand on his arm again, lightly touching him for a moment as her gaze held his. “Thank you again for coming. It means so much to my father. He says he has some interesting items to share with you.” She leaned closer. “I’m not sure they are truly of relevance, but if you would pretend they’re helpful, I’d be in your debt.”
She was so close he could see tiny flecks of gold in the blue of her eyes. No wonder she made him think of sunshine. He couldn’t help but touch her then, grazing his finger just beneath her jaw. He expected her to draw back, but she only lifted her chin.
Did she realize that was an irresistible invitation?
He bent and claimed her mouth with his. It was a gentle, tender kiss yet filled him with a poignant longing. Well aware of the risk he took by kissing her so near the entrance, he ended it quickly. Despite the brevity, his heart pounded in response.
Damn but the taste of her only made him want more.
“Oh,” she said breathlessly, her gaze holding on his mouth.
“Your father—” he began.
“Will surely be looking for us. Yes.” She stepped back and glanced around the column toward the entrance. “Here he is now.”
Oliver reined in his emotions as Lord Burnham joined them, realizing he needed to leave as quickly as possible. Obviously, the outing was proving to be more than he could manage in more than one way. Yet when his gaze met Julia’s, he was reminded of why she’d asked him here.
“How is the research coming along?” he asked the earl. “I hope it’s not too much of a burden. The book is over two hundred pages.”
“I’m thoroughly enjoying it. Albert acquired much knowledge in many areas of the physical sciences. Most of the references pertain to animals, but there are a few to rocks, minerals, and herbs. There’s also a lengthy section on folk remedies I’ve found fascinating.”
Oliver noticed Julia’s smile as her father spoke. The deep affection she had for her father was admirable. He wondered what happened to her mother. Was she an only child? He’d never heard mention of a sibling. Berating himself, he reminded himself that none of those questions mattered. The less he knew about her and her family, the better.
He and her father discussed the book and notes for several minutes. Oliver did all he could to direct the earl’s focus to what was truly helpful rather than what the older man found interesting. The book was long and written in Latin. Translating it took time and effort. He couldn’t help but worry that Burnham would miss something, but Oliver no longer had the heart to press him to sell it.
“I must be going,” Oliver said when he once again felt anxiety creeping back as more attendees left the lecture hall to stand outside.
Was it his imagination or had the light in Julia’s eyes dimmed at his announcement? If she knew how broken he was, of all that he hid inside, he doubted she’d encourage her father to keep working with him, let alone want to spend time with him herself.
He needed to make certain she never found out.
~*~
Julia was pleased to find Lettie at the ball that evening, hovering near the entrance.
“Another gorgeous gown,” she told her friend as she hugged her. Lettie had taken to wearing more vivid colors since her engagement to Captain Hawke. Tonight’s version was in a deep ruby shade that made her skin look amazing.
“Thank you. I’m quite fond of this one,” Lettie said as she ran gloved hands down the fitted silk gown.
While the change in her attire from pastels to more vivid shades was attractive, Julia knew her changed appearance had more to do with her happiness. “You are positively radiant.”
Lettie gave her a smile that lit her face even more and leaned close. “I am so very happy. I had no idea feeling like this was even possible.”
It took all of Julia’s resolve to keep her own smile in place. She wanted to ask Lettie what it was like to experience that level of joy. But she herself had nothing about which to complain. She was very lucky. There was no pressure to marry, other than her aunt’s nagging. They had money enough that she’d never be forced to find a wealthy husband. She was in good health and had many friends. Yes, she was very lucky.
But in the past few days, she’d realized she wasn’t especially happy. Even the contentment she’d previously felt had slipped away. She wasn’t about to admit any of that to Lettie. Her friend would think her ridiculous. Unlike Lettie, she didn’t have four younger sisters to worry over, only a younger brother who required very little from her, and a father who wished to be reunited with his wife.
Now was not the time to dwell on any of that.
“I’m pleased to hear that.” Julia reached out and took Lettie’s hand. And she was. “You deserve happiness. How are wedding plans progressing?”
“Very well, thank you. My mother is so busy with my sister’s wedding plans that she’s allowing me to make most of the decisions myself.”
“Does that mean your gown won’t have a large bow on it or be layered in ruffles?” Julia was well aware that Lettie’s mother’s taste didn’t suit her eldest daughter’s figure or coloring.
“Not one.” Lettie stifled a giggle. “I can’t wait for you to see it.”
They discussed the plans for a few minutes before Lettie said, “I’m sorry I missed your visit yesterday.”
Julia mentioned her search for the books. Lettie wasn’t encouraging. “I visited several bookshops with no success. I’d be happy to provide you with a list of them.”
“Thank you. It would help my search.” She hesitated before asking her other question. Would learning more about Oliver help in any way or only feed her fascination for the man?
The weight of Lettie’s gaze made her even more indecisive. Surely she should discover more about him and his past because he was interacting with her father. Perhaps there were things she should know in order to protect her father. “Has Captain Hawke mentioned anything more about Viscount Frost?”
“Nothing specific. I do know Frost is helping him to do a
ll he can to stop Smithby.”
“That’s the man who held you in his warehouse, isn’t it?”
“Yes. He’s a terrible person.” Lettie shuddered. “The things he’s done are not an appropriate topic for a ballroom discussion.”
“How did you find out about him?”
Lettie heaved a sigh. “I obtained a copy of a book.”
“The Seven Curses of London?”
“Yes.” Lettie’s eyes widened. “How did you know?”
“Viscount Frost mentioned it. I bought it yesterday when I was in a bookshop.”
Lettie smiled. “I’m so pleased. There have been several times when I considered mentioning it to you, but Mother has warned me so often to avoid any topics involving books that I hesitated.”
Julia looped her arm through Lettie’s. “Please know you can speak to me about anything, including books. Oliver—or rather, Viscount Frost said—”
“Oliver?” Lettie’s eyes lit with interest. “Do tell. Are the two of you on close terms?”
“Oh, I don’t think I’d call it that.” Julia cursed herself as she felt her cheeks heat with embarrassment. If she wasn’t careful, the next thing she’d allow to slip was that they’d kissed—on more than one occasion. As much as she enjoyed Lettie, she wasn’t ready to discuss that with anyone. “At any rate, he suggested the book might be of interest.”
“I would label it more concerning than interesting. The atrocities happening on a daily basis are difficult to understand truly. If I hadn’t seen some of it for myself, I wouldn't believe the terrible problems happening so close to where we live.”
The passion lighting Lettie’s hazel-green eyes was something Julia admired. She wished she felt deeply about a topic the way Lettie did. “I look forward to reading it. Perhaps there is a way I, too, could help.”
Lettie shook her head. “Don’t make the same mistake I did by becoming overly involved. It’s far more dangerous than you might think. The information in the book should not be treated lightly.” Her eyes narrowed. “I didn’t realize you were so fond of books.”
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