Seth stopped his play and watched them.
“Like two elements spinning around each other but unable to combine.”
“Talking about Mommy Andrea?” Seth asked.
Brian nodded. “Your mother was a wonderful partner and mother.”
Seth smiled and returned to building with his plastic blocks.
Rachel asked, “At the risk of being compared to elementary particles, dare I ask about you and me?”
“At times like two elements slamming into each other and releasing uncontrolled energy.”
“Like when we disagree?”
He nodded, stood and walked to the fireplace, kneeled, then used a fire poker and tongs to rearrange the burning logs. “But at other times, like three elements combining and becoming greater than the sum of their individual characteristics.”
She shook her head. “Three elements, greater than the sum. I can’t imagine that,” Rachel pulled a blanket around her.
“The way Seth responds to you. How often he expresses himself at the art center you created for him. A simple child- sized table and two chairs, a pile of blank paper and a bucket of crayons. The little guy is filled with boundless energy but will spend an hour quietly concentrating on a drawing. It would have never entered my mind to create an art center. And he adores you.” Brian smiled as if remembering a pleasant memory. “I love the way you make me feel when you’re close. The way I feel arriving home, much of the day’s tension releasing as I motor up the driveway. The closer to the house, my smile growing, knowing you’ll be there to welcome me.” He poked the fire again then sat next to her.
Rachel was quiet for a bit then stammered, “You…I…” She pulled him close, threw her arms around him and kissed him then cuddled tight against him. “You and Seth. Put purpose in my life beyond my own needs.”
“I’m happy to know that.” He kissed her.
“I have an anniversary coming up, one which I dread. I’m hoping, it will be less severe this year because I’m here with you and our little guy.”
“We should talk about that.”
“In one evening, I lost two people I dearly loved.” “Tell me.”
She opened the blanket to cover both of them. “I will.
But don’t have the energy tonight. Please, just hold me.”
The moment he did, Seth ran to the couch, tunneled under the blanket, and squeezed between them.
* * *
The following morning, Rachel entered Brian’s office. “I was thinking of Arnie and Shira this morning. I called Shira and asked about her and Arnie.”
“She said…?”
She sat in an overstuffed chair. “This…this is so strange. I’m not sure if I believe her.”
“Tell me.”
“She said they were at a Yankee’s game. He began swearing and screaming at the players. After a few minutes, a number of ushers came over and bodily lifted him out of his seat then carried him out of the stadium.”
His jaw dropped. “We’re taking about Arnie, right?”
“According to Shira, one usher asked that he keep the profanity down. Arnie called the guy a string of vile names. A group of ushers arrived and pulled him out of his seat. My cousin allegedly kicking and screaming. They bodily carried him out of the stadium.”
Shaking his head, Brian said, “Impossible. Not Arnie. Couldn’t be. This is BS.”
Rachel shrugged and left the office.
Still shaking his head, Brian returned to the work on his desk.
Twenty minutes later, Rachel returned. “I called New York and spoke to a longtime friend. She said she saw it on the evening news.”
Brian shook his head, put his hands up palms out. “No. No. No. This is insanity. It must be a mistake. Arnie? NO way. Arnie wouldn’t…on a bet he wouldn’t…”
“She said he was arrested for disorderly conduct.”
He opened his mouth as if to say something but just stared at Rachel.
She answered his unspoken question. “I have no clue what came over him.”
* * *
Two days later, under a cloudless sky, the Montana sun warming them on a Sunday afternoon, Rachel, Brian, and Seth hiked a trail in the Flathead National Forest. Seth ran ahead, searching for interesting rocks and watching for birds. Brian carried a camera with a zoom lens and a small backpack.
“Rachel, I must say, I love all you’ve done for us. From cooking to your insight on my research. Seth loves the way you engage with him. We love having you as part of our family, but what can I do for you?”
“Find a way to take time off from work for a week, go somewhere else and do your research so that your anger and frustration doesn’t impinge on your family.”
“Am I that bad?”
“At times.”
“I’d love to, but I have demons to work out.” He stopped to take a photo. “Those demons and the research result in anger which pushes people away.”
“Arnie warned me, and I’ve seen it for myself. I’ll help you, by taking care of this part of your world.” She motioned, indicating Seth. “I’ll make time to discuss anything you like, and tell you when your behavior is unacceptable.” Rachel pointed to wood ducks paddling about in a nearby pond.
He took photos of them.
She smiled and took his hand as they began walking again. “I feel close. Family close to the two of you since our time at Arnie’s.”
“There must be something I can do for you…”
“If there is, I’ll tell you.”
“I worried because I’m not as religious as you are. That could be a problem. And we should talk about a more permanent arrangement.”
She shook her head. “Not yet. Too soon. I can’t think about marriage. Keeping my head on straight is enough for me to do without considering another marriage. As for my religious involvement being deeper than yours, I knew before I moved in. We’ll find ways to manage.”
“I always have so much to do, attending services becomes a low priority. I fear that may damage our relationship.”
Rachel stopped walking, grabbed his hands and held them up, spoke in a serious, near angry tone. “These hands repair people afflicted with terrible injuries. You torture your mind to understand what happens to soldiers in war in order to find ways to heal their mental state. You’re a great father for Seth.” She wrapped her arms around him and said in a quiet voice, “You found a plain and lonely girl and make her feel like a queen. You do these things every day. The Lord understands your absence.”
He leaned forward, kissed her. “So much more than, a plain girl. But you’re willing to give up being an observant Jew?”
“No, but my observance will in no way interfere with our relationship. I believe if I do things right, it will enhance what we have.” In silence, they hiked past a small lake. Hooded Mergansers dove to find fish and crustaceans while chubby-cheeked, Green-winged Teal paddled about.
Again, Brian stopped for photographs.
“My entire life, I’ve prayed for an observant man to be my life’s partner.” Rachel giggled. “Instead the Lord sent you.” She wrapped her arms around his arm as they continued walking.
“And…?” Brian said, then turned quickly to take a photo of a Bufflehead in flight.
Seth ran toward them then turned and began pointing at a gaggle of geese flying overhead in a large V formation.
Rachel praised his find. The little one smiled then proceeded back up the trail, alternately running and skipping. “Of course, the Lord was correct to send you,” she continued. “I needed someone one who could grapple with and understand traumatic stress. Be a rock for me when needed, a good listener, and someone to reassure me when I’m doing things right.”
She paused when Seth returned to ask Brian questions concerning birds with webbed feet.
The little one listened intently to his father then ran ahead of them as they began walking again.
Rachel continued, “Besides, I’ll bet we have differing views of leading an obs
ervant life. In a group discussion at synagogue, we were asked to imagine an observant Jew. Most people imagine a man who spends all his time praying and studying Torah. I immediately saw my Grandma Lena; a living example of how to live a Jewish life. She comported herself in a way such that each of her children and each of her grandchildren believed they were her favorite. She was a moral, kind, and giving person. One day, I hope I’ll be remembered like her.”
“Will you find a fulfilling life with us, far away from the musicians, family, and community you grew up with?”
“Before they returned to New York, Arnie talked about coming out again to visit us.”
“Us? He assumed we’d be together?”
“Don’t know if it’s good or bad but Arnie said,” Rachel giggled, “we deserve each other.”
Brian laughed and put a new roll of film in his camera. Seth ran up to show them a shiny rock.
“I’m needed here…” She laughed. “Even if it’s to get excited over a rock.”
They walked in silence for a while, Rachel’s expression turning grim. She took a deep breath and said, “There are a couple events in my life you should know about.” She stared at the horizon, took another deep breath. “I was molested when I was a child.”
“Rachel…” he said.
She stopped walking then held up a hand. “Let me finish.” The lady raised in Brooklyn stared in his eyes. “I’ve never told anyone, although I think Arnie and his parents suspected. For years, I tried to pretend it didn’t happen. That’s why I believed I could never have a successful relationship with anyone. The thought of having sex was so painful, I would never let a relationship become serious. One time I decided to do it with someone just to see. It was awful.”
“But you were married…”
“I accepted an arranged marriage. I married because I wanted children and Dov seemed nice enough.”
“Love?”
She looked down and shook her head. “I’m ashamed to say, not part of the equation.”
“Sex?”
“We did it, of course. But I didn’t enjoy it. I was, this is horrible to say, I was relieved when he was drafted.” Rachel shivered. “Puffing and grunting, banging on my belly until he finished, then rolling over and snoring the night away.”
“Then why, since you came to the ranch, we…?” He looked at her with a questioning expression then grinned. “Dare I mention the word rabbits?”
She laughed. “During Thanksgiving, when you held me, after I’d just seen how violent you could become, yet, holding you, was so right, and warmed me in a way…you made me feel safe.”
They continued walking, this time holding hands.
Rachel shook her head. “It makes no sense. I always hated violence. Only one other time, during my adolescent years, I enjoyed someone holding, actually dancing, with our arms wrapped around each other. That was when I was fifteen.”
She stared at him. “What?” he asked.
Rachel kissed his cheek. “Sounds childish but, deep inside me, I was certain it would be different with you and you’d never hurt me.”
“You couldn’t possibly know that.”
“The feeling I get when you smile at me, and even in the depths of our loudest arguments, I feel we’re still a team, and we can work things out.” She stopped to gaze at a skein of Ruddy Ducks floating in a pond. Rachel pointed to them. “So strange, ducks with a blue bill, and those are Avocets around the edges. I love this area. Beauty wherever you look.” Again she kissed his cheek while Brian stopped to take numerous photos. “Thank you for driving us out here.”
Walking again, she held one of his hands in both of hers. “Impolite to say, Dr. Levin, but my body aches for you. It has since you held me at Arnie’s.”
“But the abuse…”
“Never thought I’d tell anyone, but you, you’re, I feel so close, we’ll talk…” She nodded as if reassuring herself. “Arnie said I could share innermost feelings with you. He was right.”
Brian wiped a tear off her cheek.
“Just holding hands…wonderful. You and Seth make me feel needed. That satisfies me. I have a purpose beyond my own needs and you provide space for me to be myself…do things my way. You and Seth regularly demonstrate how much you love me.” Rachel held her head up and walked tall. “That’s what Mr. Levin and Seth do for me. When people wanted to know what I wanted from life, I always told them, to be loved for who I am.”
“We’ve been together for six months. Is it time to talk about marriage?”
She shook her head. “When I married the last time, I became a different person. What I wanted out of life no longer mattered. My life revolved around my husband’s needs and wants. I felt boxed in. Diminished as a person. But for my music career, which I was allowed to pursue only because we needed the income, I was chained to the house.”
“It wouldn’t be that way for us.”
“Our relationship is still new and I don’t want to take a chance doing something which could damage that. What we have, is better than the majority of married couples I’ve met. Like I said, you took a plain girl and make her feel like a queen. As far as marriage, I feel happy and secure now but frightened, scared to death really, of anything which might damage that.”
They walked in silence for a number of minutes.
She stopped, kissed him while they briefly embraced then wrapped her arms around his arm and they continued on the trail. “A beautiful day,” she said. “We need to schedule more time out here. Let’s plan on inviting friends at the same time next year. This could certainly be a peaceful retreat for your Army friends and their families. Love the mountains; this forest and its inhabitants are to die for. And we haven’t even seen Glacier National Park yet.”
“Certainly, we are surrounded by beauty. Perhaps we shouldn’t discuss the abuse. We can save it for another day.”
“Thank you, but…” She walked in silence for a number of minutes then said, “If I can get the story out, perhaps it will help me resolve the pain I still endure.” Rachel took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “He lived in the basement of our building. The janitor. An older man.”
“You were?”
“Six or seven.” She took a deep breath and continued. “I remember a sudden downpour; I was playing on the sidewalk so I ran into the building but tripped just inside the door. I fell and started crying. He carried me to his basement apartment, put me on his lap. His hand down my pants. Many times, he invited me into his room to tell me a story, on his lap, and with his hand between my legs. It happened again and again.”
Shaking her body like a dog trying to dry its fur, Rachel tried to expunge the feeling of the old man’s hands.
“After a number of years, my father eventually found out from my older sister who caught the old man with me on his lap and his hand you know where.”
“Did you talk to your parents?”
“I had no clue what to say. My parents never mentioned it, and like many abused children, I believed it was my fault.”
“Is that why you become anxious during rainstorms?”
Rachel stopped walking, her eyes wide, jaw dropped, and staring straight ahead.
“I said…”
She slapped her forehead. “I heard you. I… never considered why, just never liked the rain. But maybe…” She appeared deep in thought as they began walking again. “Odd, but I never connected the two.”
Rachel turned Brian toward her, pulled his lips down to hers for a long kiss then said, “Bless the Lord. He’s given me someone who listens.”
They continued walking. Clouds appeared, the wind picked up, and the temperature dropped. She zipped her jacket, called Seth over, pulled his jacket out of Brian’s backpack and held it while the youngster slipped his arms in. Brian’s expression became one of shock. He turned to her while Seth ran up the trail. “Wait. What sister? You’ve never mentioned a sister.”
“Mirna was two years older. She left a note the day she turned eighteen and
I haven’t heard from her since. After she left, my parents grieved but never mentioned her again. Perhaps one day, I’ll look for her.”
“You said a couple of things in your life…your sister leaving one of them?”
“That was painful but wasn’t one of the incidents I was talking about. I was referring to something I did which caused dreadful trauma to my mind…a life altering trauma caused by an act I committed.” She took a deep breath. “I came home one evening, to find an intruder in our bedroom. He’d tied my husband to a chair. He pointed a gun at him. I heard Dov curse the bastard. I approached the intruder from behind, plunged my survival knife into his kidney.”
“No hesitation?”
“Lots, but only in my mind, the moment I saw that filth of a human being threatening my husband, my body took over as I had trained it during my self-defense class. It was as if I was watching someone else perform the deed.”
“Knifing someone is personal.”
“Personal enough, his smell, just like the sensation of the knife cutting through muscle and tissue, is written in my memory with letters chiseled in stone. The knife doesn’t magically enter. You have to push it in. One’s hand feels the sensation of slicing meat, the entire episode over in less than a second but I’ve replayed the memory so many times. For whatever reason, my mind forces me to replay the scene. Feeling the carpet under my bare feet as I approach, his raucous voice growling at Dov, his stink of sweat and anger, the sensation in my hand as the blade entered. His gun dropping out of his hand as he tried to reach the wound, he twisted toward me. Mouth agape, eyes bulging, he wore an expression showing terror and pain. Rapidly losing consciousness, he collapsed to his knees. My heart pounding and my ears ringing, I realized the bastard fired his gun when I knifed him. Killing Dov.” She stopped walking, her eyes filling with tears. “My poor husband stared at the hole in his chest, looked up at me with shock in his expression. Dov mouthed my name, his head falling to his chest. My husband’s last sight of his wife, standing over a body oozing life, gripping a knife which dripped blood.” Rachel hesitated, then looked up at Brian and said, “I miscarried that night.”
THE SOLDIER: A Vietnam War Era Novel Page 20
