CHAPTER XLVII. THE WIFE'S CONFESSION.
"GLENINCH, October 19, 18--.
"MY HUSBAND--
"I have something very painful to tell you about one of your oldestfriends.
"You have never encouraged me to come to you with any confidences ofmine. If you had allowed me to be as familiar with you as some wives arewith their husbands, I should have spoken to you personally instead ofwriting. As it is, I don't know how you might receive what I have to sayto you if I said it by word of mouth. So I write.
"The man against whom I warn you is still a guest in thishouse--Miserrimus Dexter. No falser or wickeder creature walks theearth. Don't throw my letter aside! I have waited to say this until Icould find proof that might satisfy you. I have got the proof.
"You may remember that I ventured to express some disapproval when youfirst told me you had asked this man to visit us. If you had allowed metime to explain myself, I might have been bold enough to give you a goodreason for the aversion I felt toward your friend. But you would notwait. You hastily (and most unjustly) accused me of feeling prejudicedagainst the miserable creature on account of his deformity. No otherfeeling than compassion for deformed persons has ever entered my mind.I have, indeed, almost a fellow-feeling for them; being that next worstthing myself to a deformity--a plain woman. I objected to Mr. Dexteras your guest because he had asked me to be his wife in past days,and because I had reason to fear that he still regarded me (after mymarriage) with a guilty and a horrible love. Was it not my duty, as agood wife, to object to his being your guest at Gleninch? And was it notyour duty, as a good husband, to encourage me to say more?
"Well, Mr. Dexter has been your guest for many weeks; and Mr. Dexter hasdared to speak to me again of his love. He has insulted me, and insultedyou, by declaring that _he_ adores me and that _you_ hate me. He haspromised me a life of unalloyed happiness, in a foreign country with mylover; and he has prophesied for me a life of unendurable misery at homewith my husband.
"Why did I not make my complaint to you, and have this monster dismissedfrom the house at once and forever?
"Are you sure you would have believed me if I had complained, and ifyour bosom friend had denied all intention of insulting me? I heard youonce say (when you were not aware that I was within hearing) that thevainest women were always the ugly women. You might have accused _me_ ofvanity. Who knows?
"But I have no desire to shelter myself under this excuse. I am ajealous, unhappy creature; always doubtful of your affection for me;always fearing that another woman has got my place in your heart.Miserrimus Dexter has practiced on this weakness of mine. He hasdeclared he can prove to me (if I will permit him) that I am, inyour secret heart, an object of loathing to you; that you shrink fromtouching me; that you curse the hour when you were foolish enough tomake me your wife. I have struggled as long as I could against thetemptation to let him produce his proofs. It was a terrible temptationto a woman who was far from feeling sure of the sincerity of youraffection for her; and it has ended in getting the better of myresistance. I wickedly concealed the disgust which the wretch inspiredin me; I wickedly gave him leave to explain himself; I wickedlypermitted this enemy of yours and of mine to take me into hisconfidence. And why? Because I loved you, and you only; and becauseMiserrimus Dexter's proposal did, after all, echo a doubt of you thathad long been gnawing secretly at my heart.
"Forgive me, Eustace! This is my first sin against you. It shall be mylast.
"I will not spare myself; I will write a full confession of what I saidto him and of what he said to me. You may make me suffer for it when youknow what I have done; but you will at least be warned in time; you willsee your false friend in his true light.
"I said to him, 'How can you prove to me that my husband hates me insecret?'
"He answered, 'I can prove it under his own handwriting; you shall seeit in his Diary.'
"I said, 'His Diary has a lock; and the drawer in which he keeps it hasa lock. How can you get at the Diary and the drawer?'
"He answered, 'I have my own way of getting at both of them, without theslightest risk of being discovered by your husband. All you have to dois to give me the opportunity of seeing you privately. I will engage, inreturn, to bring the open Diary with me to your room.'
"I said, 'How can I give you the opportunity? What do you mean?'
"He pointed to the key in the door of communication between my room andthe little study.
"He said, 'With my infirmity, I may not be able to profit by the firstopportunity of visiting you here unobserved. I must be able to choosemy own time and my own way of getting to you secretly. Let me take thiskey, leaving the door locked. When the key is missed, if _you_ say itdoesn't matter--if _you_ point out that the door is locked, and tell theservants not to trouble themselves about finding the key--there will beno disturbance in the house; and I shall be in secure possession of ameans of communication with you which no one will suspect. Will you dothis?'
"I have done it.
"Yes! I have become the accomplice of this double-faced villain. I havedegraded myself and outraged you by making an appointment to pry intoyour Diary. I know how base my conduct is. I can make no excuse. I canonly repeat that I love you, and that I am sorely afraid you don't loveme. And Miserrimus Dexter offers to end my doubts by showing me the mostsecret thoughts of your heart, in your own writing.
"He is to be with me, for this purpose (while you are out), some timein the course of the next two hours I shall decline to be satisfied withonly once looking at your Diary; and I shall make an appointment withhim to bring it to me again at the same time to-morrow. Before then youwill receive these lines by the hand of my nurse. Go out as usual afterreading them; but return privately, and unlock the table-drawer in whichyou keep your book. You will find it gone. Post yourself quietly in thelittle study; and you will discover the Diary (when Miserrimus Dexterleaves me) in the hands of your friend."*
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* Note by Mr. Playmore:
The greatest difficulties of reconstruction occurred in this firstportion of the torn letter. In the fourth paragraph from the beginningwe have been obliged to supply lost words in no less than three places.In the ninth, tenth, and seventeenth paragraphs the same proceeding was,in a greater or less degree, found to be necessary. In all these casesthe utmost pains have been taken to supply the deficiency in exactaccordance with what appeared to be the meaning of the writer, asindicated in the existing pieces of the manuscript.
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"October 20.
"I have read your Diary.
"At last I know what you really think of me. I have read what MiserrimusDexter promised I should read--the confession of your loathing for me,in your own handwriting.
"You will not receive what I wrote to you yesterday at the time or inthe manner which I had proposed. Long as my letter is, I have still(after reading your Diary) some more words to add. After I have closedand sealed the envelope, and addressed it to you, I shall put it undermy pillow. It will be found there when I am laid out for the grave--andthen, Eustace (when it is too late for hope or help), my letter will begiven to you.
"Yes: I have had enough of my life. Yes: I mean to die.
"I have already sacrificed everything but my life to my love for you.Now I know that my love is not returned, the last sacrifice left iseasy. My death will set you free to marry Mrs. Beauly.
"You don't know what it cost me to control my hatred of her, and to begher to pay her visit here, without minding my illness. I could neverhave done it if I had not been so fond of you, and so fearful ofirritating you against me by showing my jealousy. And how did you rewardme? Let your Diary answer: 'I tenderly embraced her this very morning;and I hope, poor soul, she did not discover the effort that it cost me.'
"Well, I have discovered it now. I know that you privately think yourlife with me 'a purgatory.' I know that you have compassionately hiddenfrom me the 'sense of shrinking that comes over you when you are obligedto submit to my caresses.
' I am nothing but an obstacle--an 'utterlydistasteful' obstacle--between you and the woman whom you love so dearlythat you 'adore the earth which she touches with her foot.' Be it so! Iwill stand in your way no longer. It is no sacrifice and no merit onmy part. Life is unendurable to me, now I know that the man whom I lovewith all my heart and soul secretly shrinks from me whenever I touchhim.
"I have got the means of death close at hand.
"The arsenic that I twice asked you to buy for me is in mydressing-case. I deceived you when I mentioned some commonplace domesticreasons for wanting it. My true reason was to try if I could not improvemy ugly complexion--not from any vain feeling of mine: only to makemyself look better and more lovable in your eyes. I have taken some ofit for that purpose; but I have got plenty left to kill myself with.The poison will have its use at last. It might have failed to improve mycomplexion--it will not fail to relieve you of your ugly wife.
"Don't let me be examined after death. Show this letter to the doctorwho attends me. It will tell him that I have committed suicide; it willprevent any innocent persons from being suspected of poisoning me.I want nobody to be blamed or punished. I shall remove the chemist'slabel, and carefully empty the bottle containing the poison, so that hemay not suffer on my account.
"I must wait here, and rest a little while--then take up my letteragain. It is far too long already. But these are my farewell words. Imay surely dwell a little on my last talk with you!
"October 21. Two o'clock in the morning.
"I sent you out of the room yesterday when you came in to ask how I hadpassed the night. And I spoke of you shamefully, Eustace, after youhad gone, to the hired nurse who attends on me. Forgive me. I am almostbeside myself now. You know why.
"Half-past three.
"Oh, my husband, I have done the deed which will relieve you of the wifewhom you hate! I have taken the poison--all of it that was left in thepaper packet, which was the first that I found. If this is not enough tokill me, I have more left in the bottle.
"Ten minutes past five.
"You have just gone, after giving me my composing draught. My couragefailed me at the sight of you. I thought to myself, 'If he look at mekindly, I will confess what I have done, and let him save my life.' Younever looked at me at all. You only looked at the medicine. I let you gowithout saying a word.
"Half-past five.
"I begin to feel the first effects of the poison. The nurse is asleepat the foot of my bed. I won't call for assistance; I won't wake her. Iwill die.
"Half-past nine.
"The agony was beyond my endurance--I awoke the nurse. I have seen thedoctor.
"Nobody suspects anything. Strange to say, the pain has left me; I haveevidently taken too little of the poison. I must open the bottle whichcontains the larger quantity. Fortunately, you are not near me--myresolution to die, or, rather, my loathing of life, remains as bitterlyunaltered as ever. To make sure of my courage, I have forbidden thenurse to send for you. She has just gone downstairs by my orders. I amfree to get the poison out of my dressing-case.
"Ten minutes to ten.
"I had just time to hide the bottle (after the nurse had left me) whenyou came into my room.
"I had another moment of weakness when I saw you. I determined to givemyself a last chance of life. That is to say, I determined to offer youa last opportunity of treating me kindly. I asked you to get me a cup oftea. If, in paying me this little attention, you only encouraged me byone fond word or one fond look, I resolved not to take the second doseof poison.
"You obeyed my wishes, but you were not kind. You gave me my tea,Eustace, as if you were giving a drink to your dog. And then youwondered in a languid way (thinking, I suppose, of Mrs. Beauly all thetime), at my dropping the cup in handing it back to you. I really couldnot help it; my hand _would_ tremble. In my place, your hand might havetrembled too--with the arsenic under the bedclothes. You politely hoped,before you went away? that the tea would do me good--and, oh God, youcould not even look at me when you said that! You looked at the brokenbits of the tea-cup.
"The instant you were out of the room I took the poison--a double dosethis time.
"I have a little request to make here, while I think of it.
"After removing the label from the bottle, and putting it back, clean,in my dressing-case, it struck me that I had failed to take the sameprecaution (in the early morning) with the empty paper-packet, bearingon it the name of the other chemist. I threw it aside on the counterpaneof the bed, among some other loose papers. My ill-tempered nursecomplained of the litter, and crumpled them all up and put them awaysomewhere. I hope the chemist will not suffer through my carelessness.Pray bear it in mind to say that he is not to blame.
"Dexter--something reminds me of Miserrimus Dexter. He has put yourDiary back again in the drawer, and he presses me for an answer to hisproposals. Has this false wretch any conscience? If he has, even he willsuffer--when my death answers him.
"The nurse has been in my room again. I have sent her away. I have toldher I want to be alone.
"How is the time going? I cannot find my watch. Is the pain coming backagain and paralyzing me? I don't feel it keenly yet.
"It may come back, though, at any moment. I have still to close myletter and to address it to you. And, besides, I must save up mystrength to hide it under the pillow, so that nobody may find it untilafter my death.
"Farewell, my dear. I wish I had been a prettier woman. A more lovingwoman (toward you) I could not be. Even now I dread the sight of yourdear face. Even now, if I allowed myself the luxury of looking at you,I don't know that you might not charm me into confessing what I havedone--before it is too late to save me.
"But you are not here. Better as it is! better as it is!
"Once more, farewell! Be happier than you have been with me. I love you,Eustace--I forgive you. When you have nothing else to think about, thinksometimes, as kindly as you can, of your poor, ugly
"SARA MACALLAN."*
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* Note by Mr. Playmore:
The lost words and phrases supplied in this concluding portion of theletter are so few in number that it is needless to mention them. Thefragments which were found accidentally stuck together by the gum, andwhich represent the part of the letter first completely reconstructed,begin at the phrase, "I spoke of you shamefully, Eustace;" and end withthe broken sentence, "If in paying me this little attention, you onlyencouraged me by one fond word or one fond look, I resolved not totake--" With the assistance thus afforded to us, the labor of puttingtogether the concluding half of the letter (dated "October 20") wastrifling, compared with the almost insurmountable difficulties which weencountered in dealing with the scattered wreck of the preceding pages.
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The Law and the Lady Page 47
