by Sarah Bailey
“He had me pinned against the wall with my back to him. I could feel him, and it terrified me, Rhys. I didn’t want that. Not with him.”
I stroked his hair, trying to soothe him as his body shook in my arms. Valentine trying to take that from Aaron made me sick. No one should be forced.
“When he was trying to get it out, I elbowed him in the gut twice, which gave me enough room to shove him away. I couldn’t stop pushing him… it made me so angry, but he lost his footing on the top step and fell backwards. I didn’t mean to kill him. I didn’t mean to. It was an accident. An accident!”
“Hey, hey, A, I know. You didn’t do it on purpose. It’s okay. It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know he would trip and fall.”
“You believe me?”
Nothing in this world would make me not believe Aaron. He might have kept his feelings a secret from me, but he’d never lied about anything else.
“Yes, of course, I do. I know you. You are the gentlest soul deep down inside. You’d never hurt someone without cause, and I know you didn’t mean to do this. He was trying to hurt you. You acted in self-defence.”
He nodded against my chest. Whilst I still thought we should’ve phoned the police, I understood Aaron’s fears. Now I would protect him from anything that happened as a result of this. You did that for the person you loved. And I loved Aaron more than life itself. He’d rescued me all those years ago. It was my turn to rescue him.
“I was trying to protect myself.”
“I know you were.”
I kissed the top of his head. He raised it from my chest, watching me with a storm brewing in those blue-grey eyes. Reaching up, he stroked his fingers across my face as if memorising the contours of my cheekbone.
“I love you.”
“I love you too, A.”
“Thank you for being there. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“You never have to find out.”
My lip curved up at the side, remembering he’d said something similar to me when we’d been kids. If I had my way, I’d hold on to Aaron forever no matter what he’d done.
He moved closer until our noses brushed.
“I want to give it to you… what he tried to take from me.”
I didn’t have time to register exactly what he said. His lips landed on mine, his fingers curling around my neck and anchoring me to him.
Does he mean what I think he does?
We’d never talked about reversing roles. It’s not so much I didn’t want to top Aaron. It never occurred to me to ask. I was happy with how we were.
I tried to pull away so we could have a discussion about it, but he held onto me. Not wanting to use any sort of force on him after what happened, I reluctantly let him kiss me until his lips trailed down my jaw.
“Aaron—”
“Please, Rhys,” he whispered, planting more kisses along my jaw. “It’s my choice. I want you to fuck me.”
I flinched, which made him freeze. The thought of doing that right now did not sit well with me at all. Especially not after what he’d just gone through. Aaron was clearly in a fragile emotional state. I wasn’t going to take advantage of him. Ever.
He moved back, staring at me with misery and rejection written all over his face.
“You don’t want me like that?”
“What? No. What makes you think that?”
“You flinched. Is it because of him? Am I not good enough anymore?”
I cupped his face, preventing him from running away. He looked like he was about to bolt.
“No, Aaron, don’t do that. This has nothing to do with him.” I wasn’t going to say his name again. “I don’t not want to do that with you. You’ve just been through a traumatic experience. It’s about that. I wouldn’t feel right about it. I love you too much to ever do anything when you’re vulnerable and hurting. Do you understand?”
He stared at me for several minutes. I let him, knowing if he thought about it for long enough, he’d see I was doing this for his own good. If he still wanted me to when he’d slept and calmed down, we’d discuss it then. For now, I wasn’t going to let him take that step when he might later regret it.
“I’m sorry, Rhys,” he whispered.
“There’s nothing for you to be sorry for.” I stroked his cheek with my thumb. “I understand why. He tried to force you and you want it to be your choice.”
His eyes told me everything. He wanted to be the one to decide when and if it happened. And he wanted it with me. He trusted me with that part of him. I would never betray his trust.
“I think we should try to get some sleep now, okay? Things will feel better in the morning.”
He nodded and curled up against my chest again. I held him until he fell asleep, his breathing even and steady. I wasn’t sure things would be better in the morning. We had Valentine’s death hanging over our heads. I had to hope nothing would come back to bite us in the arse over it.
Wishful thinking, I know.
Chapter Forty One
For the first few minutes after I woke up, I felt nothing but peace being wrapped up in Rhys’ arms. There, I was warm and safe. He’d protect me through thick and thin. My knight in shining armour. Then I remembered last night. And I trembled as the waves of guilt and self-loathing hit me like a sack of bricks.
“Aaron?”
A sob erupted from my lips. Rhys’ arms tightened around me, his face pressed against my hair.
“Shh, it’s okay, just let it out, prince.”
His voice made tears fall. I couldn’t handle it. I’d killed someone. I’d done it. Valentine was dead because of me. I might not have done it on purpose, but it didn’t make me feel any better. It didn’t make what happened go away. I’d have to live with the knowledge I’d caused someone’s death for the rest of my life.
“It’s all my fault,” I whimpered.
His hand stroked down my back.
“It was an accident. You didn’t mean to.”
I clutched him harder. Rhys was my only anchor, keeping me afloat so I didn’t drown in my fucked up emotions. How did anyone handle this? Almost being assaulted was already enough. To have someone’s death on your hands on top of it made it one hundred times worse. Even if Valentine had tried to rape me, didn’t mean he deserved to die. It’s the last outcome I’d ever wanted.
Then there was the fact I’d forced Rhys into promising not to tell anyone. I saw his reluctance last night. He’d wanted to go to the police. How could I? They wouldn’t believe me, not about Valentine’s attempt to assault me. People didn’t report rape, so why on earth would I report an attempted one? Especially not when my attacker had ended up dead. Didn’t matter if it was an accident. It didn’t look good on me. I’d pushed Valentine. He’d tripped because of me.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I dragged you into this,” I sobbed, unable to prevent those words from spilling out of my mouth.
“You needed me, Aaron, and I was there for you. Don’t you know by now I’d do anything for you?”
“What if we get questioned by the police? What if they find out we were at that party?”
He pulled me away from his chest and stroked my face. His dark eyes were so full of compassion. I felt it then. The sheer depth of his love and devotion. It held my heart in a vice-like grip. This beautiful boy I’d loved over half my life was my saviour, just as I’d been his when we met.
“What part about anything do you not understand? I will keep your secrets. I will lie for you. I made a promise. I won’t break that, not for the world. We’re in this together. You and me. Forever. I love you, Aaron. I love you more than life its-fucking-self. This secret, I’ll take it to the grave no matter what happens. No one will find out from me. Not even the police. Okay?”
I nodded. Reaching up, I ran my fingers across his bottom lip, needing to touch him to keep from breaking down entirely.
“I was scared last night. I’m still sca
red. And I hate that I’ve put you in this position. It’s not fair of me.”
He was about to open his mouth, but I pressed my fingers against his lips, sealing away his words.
“No, let me finish. When… when he tried to assault me, all I could think about is how I’d never be able to choose the person I wanted that with if he went ahead with it. I wanted it to be you. I still want it to be you. No matter what happens, the only person I’ll ever want is you. No one can eclipse you in my heart. So when I tell you I hate putting you in this position, I mean it. This is my responsibility. It’s on me.”
Asking Rhys to keep a secret this big weighed heavily on me. Everything could go spectacularly wrong. Rhys’ unwavering loyalty to me could be our downfall. He’d wanted to go to the police. He wanted to fix this for me. It couldn’t be fixed. The damage was already done.
“I wasn’t just scared they wouldn’t believe me about it being an accident, but about the attempted… rape too. It made me feel weak, someone being able to overpower me like that and take away my choice… so to have the police not believe me… that would kill me. They’d have asked me all sorts of intrusive questions and there’s not even any evidence he assaulted me. It’s my word against a dead man’s. Do you really think they’re going to believe me? A boy who’s not even out to his parents. What do you think they’ll say when I tell them a straight guy tried to rape me? It sounds implausible even to my ears.”
I dropped my fingers from his mouth. Rhys didn’t look at me with anything but understanding. It made me feel worse. Everything I’d said sounded like an excuse. A justification for why I’d dragged him into this shit situation.
“It doesn’t matter that he’s bullied us for years. They might think I did it out of revenge, pushed him down those stairs because I snapped. The risk of them not believing me is too much… the odds are not stacked in my favour.”
“You’re right. They’re not.”
We might live in a more tolerant society, but people like Valentine still existed. I almost felt sorry for him. He clearly hadn’t come to terms with his sexuality, or maybe he just got off on the power trip. Didn’t matter. I couldn’t feel sympathy for a man who’d bullied me and tried to force himself on me. He’d not been remorseful. He’d blamed his feelings on me and Rhys when none of it was our fault. We hadn’t done anything other than exist and both happen to be gay.
“I wish I never had to ask you to keep a secret like this.”
“I know, but I was never going to leave you in the dark all alone without me. You saved me all those years ago, it’s about time I got to save you back.”
I couldn’t help smiling.
“My knight, I love you.”
He leant down slowly and I almost sighed when our lips met. The kiss was so soft and loving, a far cry from the passion usually pulsing between the two of us. When he pulled back, I took his hand and linked our fingers, staring up at how well they fit together. Rhys and I were meant to be. Nothing could break us. Not even this.
“I still want you to be my first… and only one,” I whispered.
I didn’t blame him for refusing me last night. Rhys had my best interests at heart. He never wanted to hurt me. Didn’t mean I wasn’t sure I wanted him inside me. If anything, I was more so this morning. I trusted him with everything.
He remained quiet for a long moment, his dark eyes assessing me. I felt open and exposed, but Rhys would never take advantage of me. He was my safety.
“Okay, but we’re not going to fall straight into it. Just as you wanted to work up to sex with me, I want the same with you.”
“Are you sure you even want to do this at all?”
He smiled, which set my heart at ease.
“Trust me, A, I have no issues with topping you even though I’ve not done it before. We might not have discussed it, but I’ve never been against it.”
My hand tightened in his.
“I want you to experience what I do when I’m in you.”
His expression grew concerned.
“Is that the only reason?”
“No, I mean, when I thought about us having sex before we got together, it was always me on top, but now, I want to feel you. I want to know why you enjoy it so much.”
His teeth dug into his bottom lip. The sight of it made my pulse spike. The urge to bite his lip drove through me. I’d never been able to resist him when he did it.
“As long as it doesn’t mean you won’t keep fucking me.”
I raised an eyebrow. As if there was any chance of that happening.
“I’ll never not want that.”
He pressed his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. For the first time since last night, a little part of me felt at peace next to him. No doubt my guilt over Valentine wouldn’t go away any time soon, but I had Rhys to help me through it. He would make sure I didn’t fall apart. He’d keep me together.
“You are the best thing that ever happened to me,” I whispered.
“So are you.”
Now more than ever I knew how lucky I was to have found him. To have this love we shared. The deep, everlasting type of love people wrote poems and songs about. Even if everything else went wrong, I’d always have him. The love of my life. My soulmate.
We’d make it through together.
Chapter Forty Two
Aaron and I had spent the past few days hauled up in his room. He’d gone through too many lows to count. When he cried, I held him and told him it’d be okay. Especially when we’d seen the news. There was a report of a body being found, but the police hadn’t released many details yet. It stressed Aaron out further, but I kept telling him we had to be patient. Neither of us knew what would happen whilst they investigated it. I had to be the calm one for him, even though my worries escalated daily. The worst one being what if they suspected foul play? We had just left him there. It did look suspicious as fuck. So who knew what would happen. I was sure they’d start questioning people soon. And it was only a matter of time before they found out about Olly Trenton’s party.
I had a feeling in my gut. This would not end well. Whether they found out Aaron and I were there or not, something would happen. I just wasn’t sure what.
His parents were due home tomorrow, so it was our last night together alone for at least a week. Then we only had one more week left before school started again. I wasn’t looking forward to it at all. Having spent the entire summer with Aaron, it’d feel weird going back to only seeing him a few times a week. I’d miss the fuck out of him.
“What are you thinking about?” he asked, stroking his fingers down my bare chest as we both laid out on his bed after stuffing our faces with pizza for dinner.
“Don’t want the summer to end. We won’t see each other as much.”
He rested his head on my shoulder. Aaron had been particularly clingy since the Valentine incident, but I put it down to his fragile state of mind. Besides, I wasn’t going to complain about my boyfriend wanting cuddles and affection. I happily gave it to him.
“We’ll still study together though, right?”
“Course.”
As if that was in any doubt. Aaron needed my help more often than not. I’d never minded. It kept his parents off his back when he got good grades.
“Then we’ll see each other all the time.”
“Mmm, true. Want to watch Netflix or something?”
He shook his head. I looked down at him. His blue-grey eyes had that twinkle in them. One I knew all too well.
“I want you to…” He swallowed. “I’m ready to…”
He’d been growing more insistent about the sex thing. I don’t know what the rush was, but Aaron really wanted me to take his virginity. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to, especially after we’d spent the past couple of days with him on his back and me testing the waters. The misgivings I had were about his state of mind. I didn’t want him to freak out or anything after Valentine had tried to force him.
And I had worries about my own ability to make it feel good for him.
“A, we talked about this.”
He sat up and stared down at me. Whilst he didn’t look annoyed, his expression made me aware he wasn’t happy.
“Stop treating me with kid gloves already, Rhys.”
“I’m not. Is me worrying about your well-being a bad thing?”
He frowned.
“No. I just wish you’d trust me.”
“I do.”
“Then why won’t you?”
I rubbed my face. Getting into an argument with him over sex was my idea of hell right now.
“I’m scared I’ll be shit at it or you won’t like it or I’ll hurt you. That’s why. You’re so confident about all of this. I’m not… I mean, shit, Aaron, I only realised I’m gay weeks ago.”
He took my hand, pulling it away from my face and holding it in his. I hadn’t told him about my fears since I wanted to be the strong one for him.
“I’ve been putting too much pressure on you.”
I raised up on my elbow.
“That’s not what I’m saying. I just don’t want to do it wrong.”
He eyed me for a long moment, his expression almost contemplative. Then he dropped my hand and pointed at the headboard.
“Sit up there.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“Why?”
“I understand your fears and I don’t want you to be scared, so I’m going to make it easy for you.”
I still wasn’t sure what he meant, but I pushed myself up and got settled back against the headboard. Aaron straddled my lap and cupped my face with both hands. His eyes grew darker and more intense when he leant closer. My cock thickened the moment he sucked my bottom lip into his mouth, his teeth grazing along it. Honestly, it didn’t take much to get me hard when he touched me.
I knew he’d felt it when he started grinding against me. My hands wrapped around his hips, encouraging him. Kissing him. Touching him. It helped me get lost in the sensations and feelings. I’d always been more comfortable when he took control as much as I loved teasing him.
