by Sarah Bailey
“Yes, you do. You want me to fight for you.”
“I don’t want anything from you.”
“You do.”
I didn’t get a chance to respond. He pulled me closer and wrapped his arms around me. The gesture broke through all my defences. Being held by the one person my entire world had revolved around for so long made every part of me ache. The dam broke and the tears came as I clung to him. I was grateful for the water beating down on us, washing the evidence of his effect on me away.
“I hate how you make me feel,” I whispered through a broken sob.
He didn’t need to say he was sorry again. I could feel it in the way he held me. How he regretted the way we ended and the distance between us. The years without each other. Sorry didn’t mean anything anyway. It was just a word. I knew what he was trying to do. Give me what I needed. What I asked him for without words like he’d always done. And it annoyed me. It made it so much harder to hold all this hate towards him in my heart.
I don’t know how long we stood there not speaking. He pulled away and grabbed the shower gel. I watched him lather it up in his hands before he touched me. My breathing became erratic as he washed me with such fucking reverence, it damn near broke me. And I let him. I allowed him to take care of me. Just like he always had. Because it felt so fucking good. I didn’t have it in me to tell him off for breaking the rule I’d laid out last night. The one about not touching me.
When he was done, I stepped away and he let me leave without saying a word so he could clean up too. I grabbed a towel off the rail, drying myself before slinging it around my hips and padding out into my bedroom. I found he’d picked up our clothes from the floor and had left them in neat piles on my bed.
I pulled some clean ones on, a t-shirt and a pair of shorts and fiddled with my hair for a minute so it wouldn’t dry in a wild mess of curls. Rubbing my face, I went into the kitchen and stuck the kettle on before I sat at my desk and stared out the window.
A few minutes later I felt his presence behind me. My skin raised up in goosebumps. He leant over my shoulder, making me let out a choking sound as he grabbed my sketchbook and the pencil resting next to it. I daren’t look at what he did when he straightened. Only when he leant over me again, placing both items back down did I try to formulate words. Tried and failed.
His hand landed on my shoulder and he pressed his lips to the top of my head before resting his cheek against it.
“If I have to spend the rest of my life making up for what I did to you, knight, I will,” he whispered.
My heart. My god damn fucking heart. It ached and squeezed hard. So fucking hard. I’d taunted him with the nickname I’d given him last night, but the way he said mine with such tenderness had me in bits.
Do not break down in front of him again. Do not do it.
He kissed the top of my head again before he let me go. I listened to his footsteps as he walked away and the slam of the front door when he left. My breath whooshed out of me. I leant forward and picked up the sketchbook. He’d turned it to the last page where he’d written me a note.
Call me if you need me. Day or night. Any hour. Even if it’s just to punish me again, I’ll be there. A x
He’d followed it up with his personal phone number.
I swallowed hard. The memory of the way he’d moaned my name last night slamming into me. I got up and made myself a cup of tea along with a bowl of cereal. Then I grabbed my phone from my bedroom and put his number in my contacts even though I should’ve torn up his note and thrown it in the bin. No, stupid me ripped out the page and pinned it to the whiteboard next to my desk with a little magnet. I kept track of my projects on there so looked at it regularly. Why I wanted a piece of him close to me wasn’t much of a mystery, even if I despised myself for it.
I ate my breakfast and sat back, fiddling with my phone. Then I stuck it against my ear and let it ring.
“You finally ready to talk?” Meredith said when she answered.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologise. I know you, Rhys, you never drop out of contact unless something really fucked up happened. So, what’s the deal?”
I stared at Aaron’s note on my whiteboard.
“Do you want the long or the short explanation?”
“The short one. Hold on, before you start, can you video call me? I got called into work because someone messed up the fucking sets for the promo shoot on Monday so I’ve only got the weekend to fix it.”
I rolled my eyes but hung up and grabbed my tablet, setting it up on the desk in front of me before calling her back. Her face appeared on the screen a minute later, her blue hair up in a messy bun and her green eyes glinting. She wore jean dungarees with one strap undone and a bright purple t-shirt. Meredith was nothing if not quirky.
“You look different.”
I frowned.
“What do you mean?”
“All glowy and shit. Anyway… tell me what happened.”
She’d know soon enough why I looked glowy.
Meredith moved away from her phone and grabbed her paints, starting to work on the set backdrop behind her. She was working on some low budget theatre production whilst she was in between major jobs.
“Okay, the short explanation is… at the meeting on Monday I found out my ex is the author’s editor. We saw each other. It was weird and uncomfortable, but it brought back all my feelings from seven years ago. I signed the contract with Johnstone & Parrish the next day and then spent three days drinking and eating junk food whilst crying on and off over him. Yesterday he called me and asked me to go to dinner with him, I refused, shouted at him and then told him to come over. He did. We had what I can only describe as hate sex, I let him stay the night and he just left like ten minutes ago.”
There seemed no point in sugar-coating the truth with her. Meredith had always confided in me about her love life. I didn’t have one to speak of until now. Not that this was anything. Just a fucked up mess with my ex-boyfriend, ex-best friend and soulmate.
“Holy. Fuck.”
“Welcome to my very own version of hell.”
“Well, shit, Rhys. I mean, shit. When you said you had hate sex, did you fuck him or was it the other way around? Like did you two have a defined top and bottom when you were together?”
I stared at her. Meredith had never held back with me. Ever. I knew more about her sex life than I ever wanted to. After everything with Cole, she’d sworn off relationships so for her, it’d meant she dated but it never went any further or got serious. Giving her heart to another person was something Meredith had proclaimed she’d never do again. And honestly, I couldn’t blame her. I was just as bad, what with the shit with Aaron.
“What?”
She glanced at the screen.
“I need more of an explanation than that. This is the first time you’ve got laid in… forever. So, give me something, please.”
“I didn’t realise the fact I had sex was the most important part about what I said.”
“It’s not.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Fine. I fucked him and that isn’t how it was when we were together. In fact, the only time I topped him before was like two days before he broke up with me. Make of that what you will.”
“Was it good?”
My skin prickled. It had been more than good. Being with him again after all this time could only be described as bittersweet ecstasy.
“I haven’t had sex in seven years, Mer, what do you think?”
“I think that’s why you’re all glowy, so it must’ve been good.”
I snorted. And then self-loathing washed over me at the realisation I wanted to do it again. I needed to. Once wasn’t enough. I didn’t think any number of times with Aaron would be enough to satisfy me. To rid myself of this innate craving I had for him.
“So, what are you going to do now? Did you two talk about things between you?”
�
��No, we didn’t and I have no fucking idea.”
“Are you telling me you literally asked him to come over so you could fuck him?”
I rubbed the back of my neck.
“Pretty much. I wanted to… punish him for what he did to me. I told him there’d be no talking and he didn’t object. He let me do what I wanted, which included me telling him how much I hate him.”
Meredith smiled and bit her lip.
“Oh boy, you are a dark horse. This I was not expecting. I’m actually impressed. I mean, I’m not saying I think it was a good idea or anything. Speaking from experience, sleeping with your ex isn’t something I’d recommend, but it’s a bit too late for that now.”
I couldn’t take back what happened last night or this morning. I could, however, not do it again. Except I knew that would be impossible. The pull I had towards Aaron hadn’t dulled. My whole being cried out for him. Staying away wouldn’t work, but I had to try. I had to do it for me. Because I couldn’t forgive him for hurting me. The wounds he inflicted were too deep.
“I don’t know where my common sense went, but it happened and I can’t go back and change it.”
“Do you really hate him?”
I looked at the note he’d left me again.
“Yes and no. I hate him but I love him at the same time.”
Admitting it out loud cut me deeper than I expected it to.
“Then I think you should talk to him.”
“I don’t think I can forgive him… or let him back in.”
“I hate to break it to you, Rhys, but it’s been seven years and clearly you haven’t let go. I think you owe it to yourself to, at the very least, have a conversation with him.”
“You’re right.”
There would be no point denying it. Aaron and I did need to talk. I had no idea how it would go, but if I was ever going to move forward, then I had to do this. I had to talk to him.
“Listen… I really need to get on with this, but we should do drinks and pizza on Monday, yeah? Then you can cry on my shoulder if you need to or whatever.”
“Okay, I can do Monday.”
She glanced at the screen and winked at me.
“See you then, fuckface. Love you.”
I smiled.
“Love you too.”
I hung up the call. Talking to Meredith had helped me a little. Unburdening myself felt like a small weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It didn’t stop me being all kinds of messed up over Aaron. I could fix this somehow, couldn’t I? Fix it so I could walk away for good and not feel this way any longer.
That’s what I wanted… wasn’t it?
Chapter Fifty Five
When I got home, I was glad I’d showered at Rhys’ flat or I’d have still smelt like sex. It wouldn’t have been a good thing since I’d agreed to babysit this weekend. I’d just got done changing when my doorbell rang. Walking down the hallway, I reached my front door and hit the buzzer to let them up. When the knock came at the door a few minutes later, I opened it. Two small children slammed against my legs in an instant.
“Uncle Aaron!”
“Hello, girls.”
Hetty and Harmony, my five-year-old twin nieces, curled themselves around my legs. Harriet stood on the threshold, giving me a soft smile.
“Thank you so much for this, you’re an absolute lifesaver.”
Harriet and Ralph were having marital issues and with our parents being out of the country, she’d asked me to help her out.
“It’s okay. The girls and I will be just fine, won’t we?”
I patted their blonde heads as they stared up at me.
“We always have fun with you,” Harmony stated as if it was a dumb question.
They pulled away from me and gave their mother a hug before rushing by my legs into the living room. Harriet rolled her eyes and handed me their bags.
“They’ve been acting up all week so if they give you trouble, I’m sorry. It’s unsettling for them not to have Ralph at home.”
“I hope you two sort things out.”
I didn’t because I still hated Ralph and thought he was a twat, but I wouldn’t voice that to Harriet. Being a supportive brother was the only thing I could do in this situation despite our thirteen-year age-gap. Harriet and I had grown closer over the years whilst I’d only drifted further apart from my parents. I just about tolerated speaking to my mother and she knew better than to bring up anything about my father to me. As far as I was concerned, he was fucking dead to me. Especially after our last argument where he’d said he was disappointed in me for turning out gay. Like it was my fault for being born this way.
“Yes, well, we’ll see.”
She leant forward and kissed my cheek.
“I’ll pick them up before you go to work on Monday.”
Then she turned and left. I shut the door behind her and walked into the living room. The girls had taken up residence by the window where I’d already laid out colouring books for them last night. I watched them for a moment before taking their bags into one of the spare bedrooms they always stayed in whenever I took care of them.
I padded out towards the kitchen and poured apple juice into two cups before taking it through to them and setting the cups down on the side table near to where they were colouring.
“Uncle Aaron?” Hetty piped up.
“Yes, sweetie?”
The girls had just started full time at school this year and had been adjusting well until their parents had decided they needed to take time apart.
“Are Mummy and Daddy going to get divorced?”
I froze. Harriet hadn’t yet mentioned the divorce word to me or the girls. I didn’t think she wanted it to get that far.
“How do you know what that is?”
“One of the boys in our class said his mummy and daddy are divorced. He says they’re always shouting and are really nasty to each other. We don’t want Mummy and Daddy to fight. We don’t want to live in separate houses.”
I walked over to them and squatted down, stroking her head.
“Mummy and Daddy are just taking a little time apart, sweetie. It doesn’t mean they’re going to get a divorce, okay? Just remember they love you both very much.”
Two sets of blue eyes stared at me with sadness in them and it made my heart hurt. They didn’t deserve to go through this shit.
“Daddy said he doesn’t think Mummy loves him anymore.”
“That’s not true, Hetty. She loves him very much, but sometimes adults go through bad patches and they have to fix what’s gone wrong.”
“I don’t want to be an adult.”
“Well, lucky for you that’s still years away.”
I didn’t blame her for not wanting to grow up. Sometimes I wished I could go back to when I was younger. When everything had been simpler. And I hadn’t hurt the person I loved. If I could do it all again, I would change so many of my decisions. The first one being never agreeing to go to that fucking party with him. Then we might not have crashed and burned the way we had. And I wouldn’t have Valentine’s death on my conscience.
I’d made peace with it over the years. It didn’t absolve my guilt, but it had been a tragic accident. I couldn’t take it back or make it right. Moving on from it had been difficult since my feelings about it were all tangled up with my feelings towards Rhys. However, I’d learnt how to separate them. It was the only way I’d been able to carry on living after that fateful day where everything had changed and not for the better.
The girls went back to their colouring. I rose to my feet and walked over to the sofa, taking a seat so I could still see them but also get on with some work. Grabbing my laptop off the coffee table, I booted it up. I’d just opened up the document I needed when my phone buzzed. Pulling it out, I stared down at the text, my heart doing a backflip in my chest.
Rhys: Come over later?
I honestly had not expected to hear from him today, if at all.
Leaving him my number had been a gamble. The way he’d cried on me in the shower earlier broke my heart clean in two. I hated I was the reason for his torment. My need to make it better for him drove me. I couldn’t give up no matter what he threw at me. And it really fucking killed me, I had to say no to his request. Especially when I’d told him I’d be there no matter what.
I eyed the twins, wondering if I could get away with inviting him here instead. There was no way in hell I wanted to turn down the opportunity to see him.
“Girls.”
Hetty and Harmony popped their heads up, looking over at me.
“Would you mind if I invited a friend to dinner tonight?”
“A friend?” Harmony asked with wide eyes.
“Yes. He’s very nice.”
“Is he your boyfriend, Uncle Aaron?” Hetty probed.
I almost choked on my own breath. Kids really came out with such blunt statements sometimes. Harriet hadn’t hidden my sexuality from them. She wasn’t ashamed of me, unlike our father.
“Um, no… he isn’t.”
But I wish he would be again. Fuck, do I wish he’d give me a second chance.
“Oh. Well, we don’t mind. Can we show your friend our colouring?”
“If he says yes. I’m sure he’d love to see.”
The girls gave me a smile and went back to their books. I should’ve known they wouldn’t be bothered either way. So I typed out a response to Rhys, mentally crossing my fingers in the hope he’d say yes.
Aaron: Wish I could, have my nieces staying this weekend.
Aaron: You could come over for dinner and meet them. We can talk after I put them to bed.
I noted he’d seen the messages a minute later. And it took five more to get a response. In that time I’d gone back and forth with myself several times over whether or not I should tell him to forget it.
Rhys: Harriet had kids?
Aaron: Yes, twins.
Rhys: Are you sure they’d be okay with that?
Aaron: I already checked with them.
Rhys: What time?
Aaron: Six.
Rhys: Okay. Text me your address.
My heart thumped against my ribcage as I typed it out. He’d said yes. He was going to come over. We could talk after I put the girls to bed or if he just wanted sex, I would let him have that too. I didn’t care. I wanted to see him.
