I was trying not to let the panic seep in. Lorelei and I hadn’t even begun to talk about getting married or even where this would go past us both wanting to go home. Well, we were home and we were getting more than we bargained for. I barely noticed Ma running off and then my brothers and their girlfriends were all around us, arguing about what was about to happen.
“We can’t let this happen. I won’t be ruled by the town,” Eric argued. “Kat and I are getting married when we want to.”
“Which is never,” Robert muttered.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Oh, come on. Your first wedding was hijacked—“
“By you!”
“And your second wedding, you were pushed off a bridge,” Robert said incredulously. “Let’s face it, if Ma doesn’t push you into this, there’s no way it’s happening.”
“You like that Ma’s pulling this shit,” Eric shot back. “Because you know it’s the only way you’ll get Anna down the aisle.”
Anna whistled loudly, stopping them from arguing. “Boys, you’re both pretty. Now, we all knew this was going to happen eventually. Let’s face it, your mom has been planning this since the moment you were all born. Robert, you’re finally getting what you want. Eric, who gives a shit how you get married as long as you do. Charlie, suck it up, buttercup. You’re about to be married to a boy again. Josh and Carly…don’t blow anything up. Joe, try not to get cow shit on Sofia today. It’s her wedding day. And Andrew…try not to…die.” She looked around at everyone and grinned. “So, are we ready to do this?”
She didn’t even wait for an answer as she turned and walked away. Her boots crunched in the snow as she walked toward the back of the house where I assumed the rest of the town was gathered. Small snowflakes started drifting down from the sky, landing softly on the ground.
“Who is that and what has she done with Anna?” I asked.
“I don’t know and I don’t care,” Robert said, just before running off after her.
“So, are we really doing this?” Lorelei asked me. “We’re just…going to get married.”
I scratched the back of my head. “I mean…I guess?”
“You don’t know?”
“Do you?”
“Well, I guess it wouldn’t be the worst thing that’s happened in my life.”
“Or mine,” I agreed. “Although, I’m still going to be on the lookout for falling tubs. Don’t think you’ve gotten yourself out of that one.”
“And I’ll always have my lawyer on speed dial, you know, in case you decide to have me thrown in jail.”
“Me? I would never do that.”
“But I would,” Jack said as he walked up to us.
I turned to him warily. “Jack.”
“Do you have a permit to have this many cars parked here?”
“On our own property?”
“What about a liquor license?”
“For what?”
“All the booze that’s being served,” he said, as if this was totally normal.
“We’re not selling it. Hell, we just got back here! We didn’t have anything to do with this!”
He shook his head slightly, pulling out his cuffs. “I’m afraid I’m gonna have to take you in.”
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”
He snapped one cuff on my wrist, but then shocked the hell out of me when he cuffed the other to Lorelei’s wrist. His lips twitched slightly. “Just in case you were deciding to run. I have strict orders from your mother to make sure you attend this wedding.”
I frowned at him. “Wait, so you’re just fucking with me?”
“Do you really think any of the bullshit I just said would stick?”
“Well, no, but I thought you hated my family.”
He nodded slightly. “Maybe, but I can set aside my anger for one day.” He looked up at the trees, at the snow that had just started falling. “She would have loved this,” he whispered, swallowing hard. Clearing his throat, I caught the faint glimpse of tears in his eyes before he turned back to us. “Come on, you have a wedding to get to.”
Lorelei
I couldn’t believe this. Was I really going to go through with this? It was insane. I couldn’t marry a man I hardly knew. On the other hand, Andrew probably knew me better than anyone. He had been there for me when others would have walked away. Sure, I had Callum, but after we set things right in our town, we both came to an understanding that our relationship was over. It was time to move on and forget about the past.
“Would you two hurry up!” Andrew’s mom shouted to us.
He gripped my hand and we headed to where everyone was gathered. There was nothing particularly fancy about this wedding. None of the brides wore pretty dresses, and the grooms were just wearing whatever they had on. It was like nothing I had ever seen before. And as we approached what I assumed was meant to be the altar, I noticed a big, bald dude wearing camo pants and a heavy leather jacket.
“Who’s that?”
“Hunter. He’s a friend of Derek’s.”
“Okay,” I said slowly. “And why is he standing up there?”
Andrew smirked at me. “Apparently, he’s an ordained minister.”
My jaw dropped. “You’ve got to be kidding me. We’re getting married by a man dressed in camo?”
“Hey,” Hunter snapped, obviously hearing me. “I’ll have you know that I’m kind of the unofficial official…officiant?” His brows crinkled and he shook his head. “Whatever. I’m the guy that does this for everyone at Reed Security.”
“So, we should be honored,” Andrew grinned.
Hunter’s eyes narrowed dangerously and his muscles flexed. It was hot, and it didn’t escape my notice that all the rest of the women thought so as well. We were all lined up, six men and six women, in the strangest wedding ceremony I had ever witnessed.
“Is this legal? I mean, shouldn’t we have had to file paperwork and all that?”
“Hell if I know,” Andrew shrugged.
Hunter cleared his throat. “Ladies and gentleman, we’re gathered here in front of the whole goddamn town to marry this man and this woman…and this man and this woman…and this man and this woman…and—“
“Yeah, we get it,” Derek snapped. “You’re marrying a shit ton of men and women.”
“Boys!” Ma scolded. “Language.”
“Sorry, Ma,” Derek said, elbowing Hunter in the side.
“Sorry, Mrs. Cortell,” Hunter grumbled. “Anyway, we’re gathered here to marry all of the Cortell family…” He shook his head. Yeah, it sounded unbelievable to all of us. “I really wish we had some explosions or death going on right about now,” he muttered. “It would make this so much more fun.”
“Can we get on with this?” Eric grumbled. “It’s bad enough I have to share my wedding day with five other men, but I also have to have a fake minister officiating.”
“Fake? Who are you calling fake?” Hunter snapped. “At least the people I marry actually end up married. You’ve tried how many times and still can’t get it right?”
“Hey, it’s not my fault I was pushed off a bridge.”
“Oh my God!” Carly said in exasperation. “Can you two just put aside your tiny man balls so we can get this over with?”
I snorted, but bit it back when Hunter glared at me. He started at the end of the line with Eric. “Do you have vows and shit you want to say?”
Eric rolled his eyes, but turned to Kat. “Kat, I promise that this time we’re actually going to end up married. I vow to protect you from all sorts of dangers, including steps that may be too icy and pizza that might give you heartburn. I’ll even continue to do your crazy adventures, as long as you promise to hold my hand when I’m screaming.”
Kat smiled up at him. “Eric, I promise to never let you drink tequila, even when you’re trying to fit in with everyone else. I’ll make sure you get lots of tattoos and maybe even get you to go on a rollercoaster someday. And I’ll hold your hand through everyt
hing, and make sure no one sees you cry when our son is born.”
Hunter quirked his eyebrow at Derek. “What the fuck kind of vows were those?”
“Oh, like yours and Lucy’s were any better,” Derek shot back.
“Robert and Anna,” Hunter said, waving them on.
“Anna, I promise to never wear my pretentious suits anymore, unless I have a really important meeting. Sometimes it can’t be helped. And I still want to take you out to fancy restaurants. I know you don’t like it, but every once in a while, I want to spoil you and you’re just going to have to deal with that. And if I buy you something, it’s not that I’m trying to buy you, I just want to spoil you rotten, and you’ll just have to accept that. Other than that, I’m willing to give up most of my asshole tendencies if it means I get to have you in my life for…the rest of my life.”
Anna rolled her eyes at him. “You know, you almost had me, but let me tell you how this is actually going to go. If I say we’re staying home, then we’re staying home. If I tell you not to buy me stuff, I’m not trying to get you to buy it for me anyway. I just don’t like that stuff. I get to decorate the house my way. I’ve seen your lifeless apartment in the city and it sucks. So, as long as I get to reign over that, we should be good.”
“Wow,” Hunter snorted. “A winning endorsement.”
Carly swung out suddenly, kicking him in the stomach. Hunter let out a whoosh of air, bending over to gasp for breath. “What the hell was that?”
“You can keep the commentary to yourself,” Carly snapped. Then she turned to Josh. “So…I didn’t think we’d ever actually get to this point. I have to say, I miss being on the run with you. Your family is a little crazy, and that’s saying a lot coming from a woman that was raised in the mafia. Still, it’s not so bad in this town. It’s better than that place in Minnesota, you know, the trailer park? That was disgusting, and this is a definite upgrade. But I guess where we live really doesn’t matter, as long as I have you at my back. Oh, and if you always have weapons on hand.”
Josh smirked at her. “Well, until I met you, I had only held hunting rifles. Without you, I would have died in like a day, and that’s a generous estimate. You kept me alive and taught me to defend myself, and despite almost dying for you, I would do it again in a heartbeat, because the thought of not having you in my life would kill me. So, yes, I’ll always have a weapon on hand, so that if you die, I won’t have to live this life without you.”
I leaned over to Andrew. “Okay, is it just me or was that a little morbid?”
“Eh,” he shrugged. “I think it was kind of romantic.”
“Can I expect something equally morbid from Will and Charlie?”
“Nah, that should be fairly normal.”
We watched as Hunter said a few more words and then motioned for Will to begin.
“Charlie, I promise to alway love, respect, and honor you through the good times and the bad.” I smiled. Finally, something normal. “I promise to always defend your gender to anyone that thinks you’re a man.” I frowned at that. “I promise to never stay in bed when I know you have to get to work, and the only times that I’ll keep you in bed are when I’m giving you orgasms.”
“Inappropriate,” Eric coughed out.
“I promise to always call you and be nice to you when I know I’ve done something wrong, so that hopefully it’ll put you in a better mood. And above all that, I promise that when we have kids, I won’t follow you around the grocery store.”
It got really quiet as the town looked at each other. Yeah, this was the worst wedding in the history of weddings.
“Okay,” Hunter nodded. “That was…weird. Charlie?”
She sighed heavily. “Will, despite the fact that I love you, I’m always going to think that men and women shouldn’t be together for life. That being said, I’m willing to risk it this second time around because I think maybe you won’t screw it up, and neither will I. At least, that’s what I’m hoping for. So, as long as you stop stacking the pots and pans upside down and leaving dishes all over the counter instead of just putting them in the dishwasher, chances are higher that we might make it. Like, maybe close to sixty-six percent.”
“Sixty-six percent?” Will chuckled nervously. “That’s…a little too specific.”
“Well, when you look at the statistics, I’m being generous. Take what you can get.”
Hunter looked at the two of them, his brows furrowed together. I saw him lean over and whisper something to Derek, but Derek just gave him a shove and motioned for him to continue.
“Anyway, Joe, maybe you want to make this…somewhat better?”
Joe grinned. “I got this, Hunty.”
“It’s Hunter,” he bit out.
“Right,” Joe grinned and nodded, pointing one finger to his nose and the other at Hunter. Hunter’s hand flashed out so fast that no one had time to stop it. He grabbed Joe’s finger and then twisted his arm up behind his back.
“What the fuck is that? Are you mocking me?”
“What? No, man. I was just—“
“You’ve been on my shit list for years. Don’t make me kill you,” he scowled.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“Look,” Joe pleaded. “That was years ago.”
“What happened?” Mary Anne asked.
“He slept with my wife,” Hunter ground out.
The crowd burst into chatter. People were shoving their way forward to get a better view of what was happening.
“You slept with his wife?” Sofia gasped.
“It wasn’t like that! It was just a little foreplay. I swear!”
Hunter twisted his arm up harder and Joe cried out. “I should kill you right now,” he hissed.
“Please don’t do that,” Jack said dryly. “As much as I would love to take someone downtown, I was kind of hoping for a relaxing day.”
Corduroy shrugged. “I say you let him do it. You know, for old times sake.”
“Old times sake? I never did anything to you, asshole!”
“You know, this was not what I had in mind when I set up this wedding,” Andrew’s mother said. She slapped her husband on the arm. “Do something.”
He just grunted. “It’ll all work out.”
“I can’t believe you slept with a married woman!” Sofia shouted.
“Again, I didn’t sleep with her. I just had some fun. And they weren’t married! They weren’t even dating!”
“Are you getting all this?” Mary Anne asked the person next to her.
“Yep, live streaming on the town Facebook page.”
I sighed, turning to Andrew. “Are you sure you want to do this? Maybe we should run away and find someplace else to live.”
“And miss all the fun?” he grinned.
Hunter finally released Joe and he rubbed his shoulder, shooting Hunter a dirty look. “You’d better watch it. I’ll send Sofia after you.”
“Ooh, I’m really scared,” Hunter said, wiggling his fingers at Joe.
“Yeah, you might want to have threatened him with Carly,” Derek nodded.
“Can we get on with this?” Eric said exasperatedly.
“Fine, Joe, any last words?”
Joe glared at him, but turned to Sofia. “Princess, I promise to love, honor, and cherish you for the rest of my life. I never thought I would find a woman that changed me so completely, and even though you tried to kill me with Pine Sol, I’ll still look past that and see the woman that saved my life. That’s what you did when you came into my life. You made me whole. You made me see this side of life that was empty before you. And now my life is so full, it’s like I was blind before you came along. And now that I have you—“
“Oh my God!” Hunter groaned. “Can we move on now? What the hell was that? You’re literally raping my ears with that shit.”
Joe glared at him, but Sofia was smiling. “Joe, I promise all the same stuff that you promised me, but I also promise not to kill you with Pine Sol. I also promise
to not burn down any more of your family’s kitchens. I promise to be careful walking down the stairs, but I still demand my chocolate covered granola bars whenever I want. And as long as you give me that, we’ll be perfectly happy.”
Andrew turned to me with a grin. “It’s our turn. You ready for this?”
I scoffed. “I think we can do better than that.”
His eyes gleamed. “Challenge accepted. Lorelei, despite the fact that I thought you were a serial killer, I couldn’t help falling in love with you. And even though every time we had sex, I thought it would be the last time I ever saw daylight, I knew that it was all worth it. I promise to always shove you out of the way of random cars that try to run us down, and I’ll make sure I have bear spray on me at all times. Oh, and I’ll start carrying a gun in case anyone decides to try and kill you with an axe.”
“Nice,” I grinned. “Well, since you thought I was going to kill you from the start, I guess things were a little rocky for us. Honestly, I was using you in the beginning, but it was the most fun I’ve ever had. And now that I know that you’re afraid of flowers, frozen peas, and pain medication, I’ll make sure to bring them to you just to freak you out. Oh, and I promise not to drop any more tubs on your head. Or throw any wrenches at you. And I also promise that I’ll take out a really good life insurance policy after we’re married so that we’re covered in case of any random freak accidents.”
“That goes double for me,” he added.
“Great,” Hunter said. “This has been…awkward as hell. Are we done now? Can we go home?”
“You have to pronounce them husband and wife,” Derek said. “Or husbands and wives?”
“Right, what he said. You’re married!”
A round of cheers went up and Andrew pulled me in for a kiss. Yeah, it was a little weird to be married, but it felt right, so I was just going along for the ride. When he pulled back, I heard Mary Anne say, “That was by far the strangest wedding I’ve ever seen.”
“Hey,” Derek cut in. “We had superheroes at our wedding.”
“Yeah, and gangs that came to kill us,” Claire added. “Have you ever killed someone with a candlestick holder?”
Tangled Web: A Small Town Romance (The Cortell Brothers Book 6) Page 31
