by Ellie Wade
“Life is priceless, Quinn.”
“It is, and that includes your life, too.”
I stand and take a deep breath. I feel like I can’t get enough air into my lungs. This space is so saturated with heartbreak that it’s suffocating.
Ollie rises from the chair and faces me.
“I love you, Oliver Hale. Real love. I want to spend an eternity with you love. I know you feel the same about me. Here’s the thing, you haven’t dated, but I have. And I’m telling you that the connection we share is special, and it won’t come around again. You’re mine, and I’m yours. You can deny it all you want, but it won’t change the fact we belong together.” I reach up, cupping his cheek, damp from fresh tears, in my hand. “But I won’t be what you throw to the side when life is hard because parts of life will always be hard. Instead of discarding us, you should be leaning on our bond to get you through the difficult times. You have to choose us above all else because I love you too much to be thrown out and ignored. You deserve a life of happiness with real love, and so do I.”
Lifting my other hand, I take Ollie’s face in my grasp and pull his mouth toward mine. Our lips meet in a soft kiss. It’s short, not nearly long enough, but more than I can bear with the uncertainty of our future weighing down on us. Knowing it could be our last kiss makes my heart twist in exquisite torture, but I hold on to hope. Ollie’s never let me down before, and I’m praying he’ll come through like he always does.
“You’re my happily ever after, and I’m yours…if you choose…but only you can make that choice,” I whisper against his lips before stepping back.
Ollie is silent as I turn and walk out of his house with barely enough vigor to do so. Holding on to what I know to be true gives me a semblance of strength, just enough to make it to my car without succumbing to the sadness that threatens to drown me.
I won’t let it because my heart knows the truth.
He’s the one.
When Ollie comes to terms with that fact, I can only hope he chooses to fight.
For me.
For him.
For us.
Chapter 28
Quinn
I’ve thrown myself into work this week, as I often do when I’m stressed or sad. Lying around in a self-imposed pity party has never been my style. I guess avoidance is more my speed. Perhaps it isn’t the healthiest of coping strategies, but it’s not as painful as the alternatives.
I haven’t given up on Ollie. I refuse to believe we’re over. Maybe my stubborn heart is holding on by means of self-preservation, but I’d like to believe it’s because I have faith that he’ll come around. He has to.
“So that’s a no to the party tonight?” Cassie asks as she hands my coffee across the counter.
“No.” I shake my head. “I’m not in a partying mood.”
Yep, Ollie broke me because I’m quite sure those words have never left my lips. Quinn Kirkpatrick has never met a party that she didn’t like. Maybe I’m getting old. I am almost twenty-eight. It could be the fact that I was in a relationship with someone who hasn’t partied in twenty years and my best friend, Alma, hasn’t partied her whole life. They’re all finally wearing off on me because the last thing I want to do is drink and dance tonight.
“But don’t you want to see who comes? It could be the Detroit Tigers for all we know. It’s part of the adventure.” She shoots me a wink.
“You think a professional baseball team is going to show up at an apartment party in Ann Arbor?” I chuckle.
Cassie shrugs. “You never know. Asher does work with one of them at the gym, and it’s off-season.”
“Still, I’ll pass but have fun. Tell Everett, Ash, and Tannon I said hi.”
“I will. Tomorrow is Survivor and taco night if you want to come over and hang out,” she offers.
I nod. “Yeah, that sounds more my speed. I’ll text you if I can make it.”
“Sounds good. See you later.”
“Bye,” I say with a wave before taking a sip of my latte and exiting Starbucks.
Alma lives a few minutes from Starbucks. I make it to her house before I’m even halfway through with the latte. We’re having a girls’ night in—just me, Alma, and Cat. It’s just what I need.
“Hey, babe!” Alma pulls me into a hug.
“Hi.”
“Quinny!” Love jumps into my arms.
“Hey, Love Dove. How’s my favorite girl?”
“Good! Gigi made bawk bwead like fwom a twee. It’s not very good, but it’s weal healfy for you.”
I look at Alma for translation.
“Bread that tastes like bark. Very healthy,” she says with a laugh.
My eyes widen. “Oh, yeah…I’ll have to try that,” I lie. “Your gigi loves you so much, doesn’t she? She’s always making you good food to keep you healthy. Isn’t she?”
Love nods, and I set her down. “She does yuv me.”
“How could she not? You’re easy to love.”
Love runs off to the kitchen.
“What’s in this bread?” I ask Alma.
“Not sure. Some kind of root, I think. Lee-Anne tells me, but sometimes it goes in one ear and out the other,” she says with a grin.
“Is Cat here yet?” I ask.
“Yeah, she’s talking with Amos. Come on.” She motions me toward the living room. “Can I get you something to drink?”
“Wine?”
“You got it.” She nods and disappears into the kitchen.
After I greet Cat and Amos, I take a seat beside them on the sofa. They’re engrossed in a conversation about the value of the dollar on the world market. Cat’s parents live and run a business in Russia. She’s so smart when it comes to the world, and Amos is smart when it comes to almost anything. I’m all in if they want to have a conversation about autumn trends of collage fabrics and pleated skirts or the return of high-waisted baggy jeans. World economics isn’t my forte.
Alma comes back with a glass of wine and hands it to me.
“Thank you,” I say as she takes a seat beside me.
Love runs by us, waving a fairy wand and giggling.
“It’s almost bedtime, right?” I say to Alma.
“Yeah.” She chuckles. “Can’t you tell? She’s winding right down.” She shakes her head.
Alma’s mother, Lee-Anne, comes into the living room. “I think I’m going to go unless you want me to put Love down?” she says to Alma.
Alma shakes her head. “No, Mom. We’ve got her. You can go. Enjoy your Saturday night.”
Lee-Anne nods. “Okay, well, I just took the last loaf out of the oven. I made you all a little snack. The bread is wheat-, dairy-, and sugar-free. It’s made from sprouted grains, mainly barley, quinoa, amaranth, and buckwheat. Buckwheat is gluten-free. It’s also known as kasha and is very good for you.” She gives us a rundown of the health benefits, which is something she always does. Most of the time, her food ends up in the compost, but you gotta give it to her for trying. I’m sure some of her habits will eventually rub off on someone.
“Thanks, Mom. Sounds great. We appreciate it,” Alma tells her.
Lee-Anne says her goodbyes and leaves.
“Oh my goodness. Is she trying to punish us?” I scoff.
Alma chuckles. “You know how she is.”
“I think it sounds really good. I’ll take it home if you’re not going to eat it,” Cat says.
“That’s because you eat ice for a living,” I tease.
Cat throws a pillow at me. “I do not. I just eat a plant-based diet.”
“I guess if I made as much money as you do off the way I looked, maybe I would, too.” I pause and shake my head. “Nope, not even then.”
Alma, Amos, and Cat laugh.
“Well, in my defense,” Cat says, “I have to be careful. I’m geriatric as far as models go. I want to hold off doing ads for laundry detergent as long as I can. Pretty soon, the only jobs I’ll get will be in mom roles. They won’t want me on the runway.”
“Unfortunately, it is,” Cat says. “It’s fine, though. It’s the life of a model. I’m like ten years older than most of the girls on the runway with me. I’ve had a good run.”
“That’s ridiculous. You’re the hottest woman I know,” I tell her.
She laughs. “Thanks, Quinn.”
“I still don’t think I could give up all the yummy food to look like you, though,” I say.
Cat furrows her brow. “First of all, you’re drop-dead gorgeous. All three of you.” She shoots a wink at Amos. “And secondly, you get used to it. Your taste buds change when your diet is plant-based.”
“I’ll take your word for it.” I grin.
Amos addresses Alma. “Do you want me to do Love’s routine tonight so you can hang out?”
“Yeah, that’d be nice. Thank you. She’s so wound up, you’re going to have to read her books for like an hour.” Alma lifts her brows as she purses her lips.
Amos chuckles. “I don’t mind.”
“Okay, call me up when she’s ready to be tucked in,” she tells him.
He walks over to Alma and leans down to give her a sweet kiss. “Will do. Have fun. See you later, ladies.”
Love gives us all hugs and takes Amos’s hand as he leads her upstairs.
“It’s probably going to be like two hours of book reading. She’s hyper today.” Alma laughs.
“Must be the bark bread. Gives her super energy,” I say.
“Yeah, that must be it,” Alma says, her lips tilting up at the corners.
I look at Cat. “So how’s everything with you and Stephen?”
Cat’s married to Leo’s older brother, and by all accounts, she’s not very happily married.
She waves her hand through the air. “My life is boring. What we need to be talking about is you. What’s going on with you and Ollie?”
“Have you spoken to him since you laid it all out?” Alma asks.
“Nope.”
Cat holds up her hands. “Wait. Back up. I’m behind. Catch me up. What happened?”
I go over the whole ordeal again, telling Cat everything that Alma already knows. Talking about it hurts because it goes against my whole avoidance strategy, but I also know it’s good for me to vent. I’ll never get over it if I don’t address it, face it, accept it. But that’s the thing—I have no interest in doing any of those because I’m still waiting. For him.
When I finish, Cat gives me a sad smile.
“It still breaks my heart that he thinks he let Leo down,” Alma says.
“I know,” I say.
“Leo would never want Ollie to carry this guilt. Leo loved him,” Cat says.
I nod. “I told him that.”
“Ollie’s such a great guy,” Cat states.
“He is,” Alma agrees. “He’ll come around. I know he will. He just has to come to the conclusion on his own and make peace with his own demons. I saw the way you two were together, and I know he loves you.”
“He does. I truly believe that, but he puts so much pressure on himself to save everyone, and I feel like he might be willing to sacrifice his own happiness to do so. He’s convinced himself that it’s the only way.” I blow out a breath.
“Before you,” Alma says. “Now that he’s fallen for you, he’ll realize that he needs to modify his thinking, and he will. It takes time to reframe everything he thought he knew. You entered his life and turned it upside down by showing him what it felt like to be in love for the first time. He needs to work through that and figure out how to make it all fit into his life. As carefree as he always seems, he’s never been one to act on impulse. He overthinks everything.”
“He’s his own worst enemy.” I frown.
“Aren’t we all?” Cat’s question is rhetorical. “It’s crazy how most of us are kinder to a stranger than we are to ourselves. Self-sabotage is all too common.”
“I really love him.” My eyes fill with tears. “I don’t know what I’m going to do if he doesn’t come back to me.”
“He’ll make his way back. Just give him time.” Alma squeezes my hand.
I’m trying. God knows I’m trying.
Each day that passes without contact from Ollie breaks my heart a little more. I hope he comes back to me sooner than later. If he waits too long, he’s going to find a girl with a shattered heart. I’ll be a fragment of the person he knew, and by then, it won’t matter anyway.
Chapter 29
Ollie
My truck is so big and bulky. It feels as if I’m driving a giant yacht around the streets of Ann Arbor. Michigan winters are beautiful, but I miss my bike. Unfortunately, Michigan winters are also long, so I’ll have to drive this massive vehicle around for a good five months.
I’m on my way to visit Clementine at the rehab facility. I go see her once a week and sit in on a group with her. She seems to be doing well, and I’m so proud of her. She could leave at any time, but she stays because she wants to get better. That determination in her gives me hope that she’ll make it.
She has to make it.
This facility is one of the good ones, and they try to create a welcoming environment, but it still feels cold to me. Granted, rehab centers aren’t my favorite places. I’ve spent way too much time visiting people in places like this.
The chill that engulfs me evaporates the moment I see Clem and her bright smile. Happiness radiates from her. She runs up to me and throws her arms around me in a big hug.
She’s going to make it.
“You look fantastic, Clem.”
“I feel fantastic.”
“I can’t tell you how proud I am that you’re putting in the work and fighting for yourself.”
“Thanks. I wouldn’t be here without you.”
“Are we going to your group?”
She shakes her head. “No, I just want to visit today, if that’s okay.”
“Works for me.”
She leads us over to a set of comfortable chairs in the corner of one of the living areas.
“Tell me everything. What am I missing?” She pins me with her stare.
“Not much.” I chuckle.
“How’s Saki?”
“Spoiled and beautiful as ever.”
She sighs. “I miss her.”
“She misses you.”
“How’s group? Any newbies?”
I nod. “Yeah, we’ve gotten a few more members. Sharon and Marty miss you. They told me to tell you hi.”
She laughs. “No, they didn’t.”
“Okay, Marty didn’t, but Sharon did. She’s been happy lately.”
“Sharon happy? I don’t believe it. If she’s isn’t bitching, she isn’t Sharon.”
“Well, she’s dating someone…from work.”
“No!” Clementine gasps. “Who would date her? She’s god-awful boring.”
“Well, it just goes to show you there’s someone for everyone. He’s a new hire named Stan.”
Clementine scoffs. “Of course he’s named Stan. Sharon and Stan. Sounds about right.”
“He’s an accountant, and apparently, it was love at first sight. They did it in the copy room.”
She throws her head back in laughter. “I can’t believe that number one, anyone would do Sharon, to begin with. But number two, that she shared that bit of information. Marty must’ve been judging her like crazy.”
“Would he be Marty if he wasn’t? But yeah…she shared way too many details, in my opinion. I don’t know which is worse, Sharon in love or Sharon complaining.”
“Nothing is worse than Sharon complaining,” Clem states.
“You can’t say that until you’ve heard how Stan took her from behind in front of the copy machine.”
Clementine laughs so hard that tears roll down her cheeks. “Oh my God! I’m missing so much. I would give anything to have heard that story firsthand. Seriously, Marty’s big head must’ve been near exploding.”
“It’s okay. All the drama will be ther
e when you’re ready to come home.”
She wipes the tears of laughter from her cheeks, “I’m real close. I feel ready now, but I want to stay for a while longer just to make sure. I think I’ve hit some sort of a breakthrough here. I’m seeing my future with more hope than I ever have.”
“I’m so happy for you, Clem, and so proud. So very proud.” I lean in and place a hand on her knee.
“Thanks,” she says.
“So how’s Quinn?”
I’ve managed to sidestep any conversation about Quinn every time I’ve been here. I know Clem knows that I’m avoiding the conversation, and she’s been gracious enough to allow me to, but her question comes with more authority this time.
“I’m figuring it out,” I tell her.
It’s the truth. I’ve done little but think about Quinn and our future this past month. Quinn was right in that she’s the love of my life. She’s my great love, and there will be no other. I didn’t make it a lifetime without any real commitment because I’m normal, however. This thing with Quinn has made me realize I have issues I’ve never dealt with. I think I spend my life helping others so I don’t have to face myself.
I’ve been seeing a therapist this past month to work through my own shit because I never have. I threw myself into bikes and life, and buried the feelings and insecurities that came with my addiction by convincing myself I was healed. Yet avoidance isn’t healthy, and the things that one’s avoiding will surface in the end.
The truth is, I want Quinn back more than I want my next breath. She’s all I want and all I think about. But she didn’t deserve what I did to her, to begin with, so I’m sure as shit not going back to her until I know that I’ll never cast her aside like that again.
“Ollie,” Clementine chastises.
“I know. I’ll get her back. I just had some shit I had to work through. You know as well as I do that nothing’s easy with us.”
