Smiling, Jeremy ruffled Nicholas’s hair, like he used to when Nickie was a boy. “Gabriel has a remarkable ability to make us all feel protected.” He sobered. “I can’t tell you when things will improve, Nickie. I can only promise you that they will.”
“How did they improve for you?” Nicholas asked. He slung his arms over his knees and watched Jeremy with curiosity and hope.
“I met a woman.” He looked at the painting hung over his mantel for a fleeting moment. After clearing his throat, he focused on Nicholas and said, “I won’t lie and say that it was an immediate improvement. But I found I looked forward to her visits. To our discussions. And I focused on her, and the future I hoped to deserve, rather than the past I longed to leave behind.” He took a deep breath. “But never doubt, Nickie, the past is never left behind. She is a demanding mistress.”
“What eases your torment now that you’ve lost her?” Nicholas whispered. “Gabriel told me about losing Savannah and Melly.” His eyes shone with sorrow.
Jeremy held a hand over his heart. “How perceptive you are.” He shook his head with regret. “Little eases the suffering after losing my wife and daughter. I’m fortunate that I have Breandan. And work I enjoy that I share with my brother.” He shrugged.
Nicholas watched Jeremy and flushed as though with embarrassment. “Forgive me.” When Jeremy stared at Nickie in confusion, he said in a low voice, laden with guilt, “For only thinking of myself. Of what I’ve suffered. Of what I’ve lost.”
Jeremy made a noise of disagreement in his throat. “You have suffered and lost too. At times in our life we can’t be there to soothe others. We must care for ourselves.” His gaze filled with love and devotion, he looked at Nicholas. “Allow yourself the time you need to heal before attempting to help others.”
Shaking his head in disbelief, Nicholas gave a mirthless laugh. “That’s rich. You’re still hurting from losing your wife and daughter, but you’re attempting to aid me.”
“My grief is not fresh, Nickie,” Jeremy murmured. “I’ve had fifteen months to accustom myself to the reality of my solitude.”
“Whereas I’ve had the same amount of time to accustom myself to this reality.” He rubbed at his forehead. “What will my mother say when she learns I intentionally took the last boat home? That I did not rush back to Darby?”
Jeremy remained silent as he waited for Nicholas to continue to speak. Wood crackled in the fireplace, and the house shuddered as the wind roared. When the silence dragged on between them, Jeremy murmured, “You must face your fears, Nickie, as hard as that might be.”
Nicholas rested the side of his head against the desk, his legs curled up like when he was a little boy. “What fears do you still have to face?” He met Jeremy’s startled gaze.
“Plenty,” Jeremy admitted. “I’ve yet to reenter the room I shared with Savannah. I’ve reconciled myself to a life alone, rather than dared to believe I could love again.” He let out a stuttering breath. “I’m terrified of more loss in this life.” His green eyes glowed with sincerity as he met Nicholas’s shocked gaze at his frank honesty. “However, I … I’m uncertain I can be alone the rest of my life.”
“Would you have wanted Savannah to remain alone for the rest of her life had you died?” Nicholas asked.
Jeremy instinctively shook his head. “No, I would not have wanted her to mourn forever. To miss me, yes.” His smile was self-deprecating. “It’s hard not to want to be missed.” He sobered. “But I would have wanted her to find a good man. A man who would love her. Like Sebastian loves your mother.”
Nicholas nodded his head in understanding. His mother, Amelia, had married Sebastian two years after her first husband, Liam, had died in a mining accident in Butte.
Jeremy stared at the young man for a long moment and murmured, “Nothing will ever erase what you lived through. And everyone has their own way of overcoming their demons.” He rubbed at an eyebrow. “My hope is that you will not turn to something that will only lead you to pain or self-destruction.”
Nicholas sighed. “I should have known that a McLeod would believe that love would be what I need.”
Jeremy smiled. “There are far worse things than the love of a good woman.” His smile faded. “Until you lose her.”
* * *
With Nicholas’s words ringing in his ears, Jeremy eased open the door to the one room in the house he had not entered since the night he had returned home fifteen months ago. A thin layer of dust covered the contents of the room, although the windows were clear, and no cobwebs were visible. He realized that someone had entered and cleaned the room periodically, or it would have looked more abandoned than it did. His gaze lit on Savannah’s vanity, and his feet propelled him to the stool in front of it, as though of their own volition.
He sat with a thump on the cushioned stool and stared at himself. However, he didn’t see the reflection of a man in his mid-forties, still tall and strong with more gray in his hair and haunted green eyes that lured women into wanting to ease his pain. He saw his wife, Savannah, sitting here, as she brushed her beautiful golden hair. Her smile at something he said. Her laughter at Melinda’s antics. His breath caught as the pain knifed through him again, sharp and soul shattering, although not as lethal as when she had first died.
After a moment, he reached forward and opened a side drawer. He smiled as a tear fell when he saw her jewelry lined up in neat cases, as though awaiting her return. He fingered a pearl earring and remembered gifting the pair to her on their fifth wedding anniversary. He closed his eyes as he heard her voice. You’re supposed to give me something made of wood, she had teased. Although these are beautiful. Thank you, my darling.
With a sigh he closed that drawer and opened the middle drawer. An envelope, with his name on it, written in her handwriting, sat in the center of the drawer. His hands shook as he reached for the letter. After tracing the ink a few times, he opened the envelope.
My darling Jeremy,
My love, if you are reading this, then all our best attempts failed. I want you to know that you did not fail me. I never once feared that you would. By insisting we travel to Boston, you proved the depth of your devotion. To me and to our child.
From the moment I met you, you have shown me a steadfastness in your love that I had come to believe I was not worthy of. However, with that constancy, you whittled away my self-doubts until I could see I deserved so much more than Jonas. I deserved you. Thank you for loving me. For I know, the best thing I ever did in this world, other than to be Melinda’s mother, was to love you. Never doubt for one minute how much I loved you.
Please remember me. Please talk about me with Melinda. Please ensure our baby knows how much I cherished him or her. I can only imagine the pain you are suffering, as I am too selfish to imagine living in a world without you. However, I know Melinda will need to share her stories with you. Find comfort together as you raise our baby.
I know I ask the impossible, but I would like you to do one last thing, my love. I want you to love again. Find someone who is the opposite of me, but who can make you smile and laugh and find joy in the everyday. You are not a man to live alone in this world. I would never want to consign you to a half-life of mourning me. Live life to the fullest and know, one day, we will be together again.
I love you, my darling. Now and forever, I love you.
Savannah
Jeremy traced the last words, tears streaking down his cheeks. “My Savannah,” he whispered. “Always so generous.” He sniffed, pulling a handkerchief from his pocket and rubbed at his face. He reread her letter a few more times and then rose, softly closing the door behind him to the room he had shared with her. He walked into his office and placed her letter in a keepsake box on the corner of his desk.
At the soft knock on the door, he barked, “Enter,” his glower replaced by a bright smile as he saw his son, Breandan, in Nora’s arms. “There you are,” he murmured, as he lifted Breandan high and then tucked him into his side. “
How’s my fine lad?”
Breandan was now fifteen months old and yammered constantly in nonsensical words and phrases. His thick black hair had a slight curl to it, and curiosity always lit his bright blue eyes. He squealed with delight as Jeremy tickled him and then kicked a few times to get down.
Jeremy looked at the young woman, Nora, who had originally been hired as a nurse for Breandan and had stayed on as a nanny. “Did you have fun playing today?” He knew she was frustrated that the poor weather prevented them from venturing outside.
“We did, sir,” Nora said. “We built and destroyed a fort three times. If you can watch the little man, I’ll prepare dinner.”
Jeremy nodded, his focus on his son tottering around the room. Soon Breandan had found the crate filled with toys Jeremy had whittled in the overnight hours when sleep had eluded him. A train, an automobile, and a horse were set to have a race, and Jeremy sat across from his son, encouraging him to decide which one was faster.
At another knock on the door, he grumbled, “Come in.” He turned to see his eldest brother, Gabriel, standing in the doorway. He smiled and motioned for him to enter and to shut the door. Gabriel shucked his coat, stoked the fire, and plopped down beside Jeremy on the floor with a groan. “I’m getting too old for these sort of antics.”
Jeremy chuckled and shook his head. “No, you’re not. You carry on just the same with Little Colin.” He saw Gabriel smile in agreement and then watched Breandan play happily. “I worry he is too often alone.”
Gabriel gave a grunt of disbelief. “He’s at our house constantly with our children. His cousins treat him like another sibling, and he’ll never want for an adventure.” Gabriel paused and relaxed as he leaned against the wall. “Thanks for talking to Nickie.”
Jeremy nodded. “Of course. He will always battle his memories. But I know it helped to speak of them.” He let out a deep breath. “He insisted on helping me.”
“What do you mean?” Gabriel asked as he clapped at Breandan causing a crash between the car and train.
“He thinks I’ve spent long enough mourning Savannah.”
Gabriel inhaled sharply at the implied criticism. “Only you can decide what is enough.” After a pause he murmured, “And Nickie doesn’t understand what it is to love as you loved.”
Jeremy raised a knee and rested his chin on it. “I know. But his words did force me into my old bedroom.” He turned and met his brother’s astonished gaze. “I’ve felt … impatient with myself lately.” He flushed. “I will always mourn her, Gabe. I will always wish I had died, rather than Savannah.” He jerked as Gabriel grabbed his leg in protest at such a thought.
“Who do you plan on marrying?’ Gabriel asked. He grunted as Jeremy belted him on his arm.
“You know I’m nowhere near ready for that. I haven’t even met a woman who interests me enough to want more than a two-word conversation with, never mind to kiss.” Jeremy flushed.
“What about Nora?” Gabriel tilted his head toward the kitchen.
“She’s a godsend and a wonderful nurse and nanny for Breandan. Without her help, I don’t know how I would have survived these last fifteen months.”
Gabriel cleared his throat, appearing slightly chagrined. “I mean, what about Nora, as a woman you might want to woo.”
Jeremy first frowned at Gabriel and then gaped at him as he understood his meaning. “You mean, as more than my nanny? As … as a woman I’d be interested in?” He flushed and scratched his head. “Gabe, she’s twenty years younger than me. She should find a man her own age and one not jaded by life.”
He shared a long look as Gabriel was about to protest how Jeremy saw himself. After another moment or two, Jeremy said, “All I see is myself as a broken man when I look at her. All I remember are those days when I first returned home. Without Sav. Without Melly.”
Gabriel raised his eyebrows. “Not very romantic,” he murmured in agreement. After a long minute, where Breandan curled into his father’s lap, Gabriel asked, “Do you feel … guilty?”
Jeremy’s green eyes shone with emotion as he met Gabriel’s. “The thought of considering another woman makes me feel ill.” He firmed his jaw. “But it’s what Savannah wanted.”
“What?” His brother leaned forward and shook his head in confusion. “Savannah whispered this to you on her deathbed?”
“No, I found a letter from her. Today.” Jeremy kissed his son’s head and allowed the momentary joy to fill him. “She asked me to not live a half-life. To find someone else who would bring me joy.” He raised tear-filled eyes to meet his brother’s gaze. “How am I to do that?”
Gabriel scooted over until he gripped his brother’s shoulders. “I understand wanting to honor the woman I love, and I can only imagine what it did to you to find a letter from her.” Gabriel cleared his throat as he battled a deep emotion. “But you must honor yourself too, Jer. What do you need and want?”
“I don’t know.”
Gabriel nodded. “Until you do, don’t do anything rash. Promise me.”
Jeremy nodded, and they sat in silent camaraderie for many minutes.
* * *
Nicholas sat on the sofa in Gabriel and Clarissa’s comfortable living room. A fire burned, heating the room and giving it a welcoming, cozy feel. He sighed, closing his eyes, as he thought about the past several days at the McLeod house. Although Colin had invited Nicholas to stay with him and to have his own bedroom, Nickie had preferred to bunk on Gabe’s sofa. For some reason, Nicholas needed to be near Gabriel. He sighed as he listened to Geraldine singing in the kitchen after school. If he were honest with himself, he would also admit being near Geraldine was like a balm to his wounded spirit. However, he had no desire to ruin the friendship that had blossomed between them since his arrival.
He smiled as he heard her sing one of his favorite songs, “Peg O’ My Heart.” He hummed along with the words, any tension dissipating with the calm, quiet afternoon in the house of a man he considered an uncle. Nickie knew he would return to Darby soon, as his mother had waited too long for her reunion with him. However, he wanted to wait for Little Colin’s birthday party before venturing home.
He sighed and stretched out on the sofa. He admitted to himself that one of the reasons he preferred to remain in Missoula was that the ongoing conversations with Jeremy were soothing the guilt Nickie felt for having survived the horrible conflict in France. Jeremy understood war, understood the necessity of carrying out orders that Nickie had previously thought himself impossible of completing. The inhumanity of it, and the terrifying tumble he had taken toward becoming a barbarian. Saying a silent prayer of thanksgiving, he couldn’t imagine what would have happened if he hadn’t had Jeremy’s calm support and love.
He heard Billy’s voice in the kitchen and rose to join him, as they had a now customary play date. However, as Nickie walked toward the kitchen, a few paces into the dining room, a metal crashing noise ricocheted through the room. He froze, his breath coming in pants, and he reached reflexively for a weapon. He grasped the silver letter opener from the table, brandishing it as though a bayonet. His gaze remained unfocused as little feet trotted toward him. He swiped and swatted at the figure that remained out of focus, hearing, as though from a great distance, Billy’s voice calling out for help as he scurried away.
The letter opener fell from his hand, and he swayed in place. The log in the fire popped, and he jerked as though incoming artillery fell about him. Rapid footsteps made a rat-tat-tat noise as they approached, and he backed away, as though afraid machine guns fired all around him. He stared blindly for a trench. For some place to hide.
When a hand touched his arm, he jerked. Only the soft scent of Geraldine’s perfume grounded him as he fought terror. How was her lily of the valley scent on the Front? He breathed deeply of that smell, praying he would die soon, and the torment would finally be over.
* * *
Geraldine approached Nickie, her pace slowing as he seemed to shake with her rapid steps. L
ooking over her shoulder, she met her mother’s worried gaze and shook her head. “No, Mama. He’ll be fine, but I fear, if too many of us approach him at once, he’ll be overwhelmed.” She heard the kitchen door creak shut and her mother soothing Billy.
After a moment Geraldine took a deep breath for courage and then reached forward to caress one of Nicholas’s hands as he stood shaking in place. When her touch appeared to calm him, she clasped his hand and took another step closer to him. Murmuring soft words, she used her free hand to swipe her fingers over his brow and down his cheek, repeating the soothing movement.
“Nickie, you are safe,” she said in a gentle voice. “You are home, in Montana, with friends. With those who love you like family.” She gasped as his grip on her hand tightened, and then he yanked her into his arms, his strong arms wrapping around her to the point of squeezing the air out of her.
“Shh,” she soothed, as her hands moved up and down his back. “You’re all right. It was just Billy. Dropping a pile of metal toys on the ground. He never meant to frighten you.”
“Billy,” Nickie said in a raspy voice.
“Yes, Billy-boy. Your partner in adventures.” She squeezed Nickie tight as his trembling abated. “He’s distraught at having distressed you.”
“Geraldine?” His voice was filled with panic and sounded like a lost boy’s.
“I’m right here,” she soothed. When he eased away from her, she grabbed his arm, preventing him from turning away from her. “Nickie?” She tried to look into his eyes, but he averted his gaze.
“No,” he hissed. “I hate that you saw me like this. That you now know how weak I really am.” He wrenched his arm from her hold and spun away.
Geraldine watched as he paced a few steps away, his head bowed and shoulders stooped. “I don’t believe you are weak. I believe you are incredibly strong for surviving the War. For being brave enough to show me what you suffer.” She met his incredulous gaze as he looked over his shoulder to stare at her. Her tremulous smile was a mixture of encouragement and hope.
Triumphant Love: Banished Saga, Book Nine Page 3
