Clarissa blushed and closed her eyes. “There are things you don’t understand. Fears you will not comprehend until you have a daughter.” She pulled out a chair and sat. “I want for you to experience everything good and decent, my darling girl. I’d never want to deny you your heart’s desire.” She waited for Geraldine to sit across from her at the table. “I know what it is like to live with a parent’s disapproval of the man I love.”
Geraldine frowned in consternation. “But I know you love Nickie, Mama.” She reached out a hand and clasped her mother’s hand. “Why shouldn’t I love him?”
Clarissa closed her eyes. “He is a good and honorable man. I know that. I’ve known him since before you were born.” She smiled as though at the memory of him as a boy. “However, I sometimes lose perspective when I remember my past.” She opened her eyes to meet her daughter’s patient stare. “When I remember what I suffered, I become terrified you’ll suffer the same.”
Her daughter shrugged in confusion. “I don’t understand.”
Birds chirped outside, and a soft wind blew in through the open kitchen window as Clarissa paused. She listened to the distant sound of a dog barking and a child’s laughter. Taking a deep breath, she said, “When I lose my battle with memories, all I see is a brightly lit sitting room. A yellow settee. A starched collar.” Her breath stuttered. “And I smell bay rum.” She took a deep breath, as though dispelling that scent with the early summer smells wafting inside her house in Missoula.
“I loved a man before your father. A man who I thought was honorable. He, however, did not love me. He loved the idea of marrying into my family and of receiving a portion of my dowry.” Clarissa sighed. “He abandoned me at the altar, and I was the talk of the town. The jilted Boston bride.” Her voice rang with embarrassment. “Even all these years later, I’m still mortified.”
“Oh, Mama,” Geraldine whispered. “I had no idea. You and Father …” She bit her lip. “Did you have to marry him?”
Clarissa laughed. “Oh, my darling girl. Yes. I had to marry him.” She traced her daughter’s jaw. “I had to marry him because I loved him with everything I was. Everything I am. I defied social conventions and my family’s wishes to follow him across the United States to Montana. I loved him more than I thought it was possible to love. More than I’d ever cared for my first suitor.” She smiled. “The term ‘sick with love’ doesn’t do justice to how I felt.”
After a moment, Clarissa sobered. “I was also sick with fear. For I was not the same woman he had left behind, when he departed Boston ten months before.” She took a deep breath. “The man who had abandoned me at the altar returned. And wanted me back.”
Geraldine bit her lip as she studied her mother. After a long moment, she shook her head as though to cast aside a doubt that had just risen. “If he cared for you, he wouldn’t have hurt you.”
Clarissa let out a deep breath of relief that she didn’t have to speak bluntly of the attack in her father’s sitting room. “He only cared about money, dearest. Never me. And he wanted to make me believe no man would want me except him.” She closed her eyes as a tear trickled down her cheek. She took another deep breath and met her daughter’s shocked gaze. “Forgive me for speaking with you about such an unpleasant topic.”
“No!” Geraldine gasped, then grabbed her mother’s hand once more. “I’ve always wondered why you were so protective of Myrtle and me. Of why you did not like us to have friends who were boys.” Her eyes were filled with pain. “I’m sorry, Mama.”
Clarissa ran a hand over her daughter’s head. “Forgive me for holding you too close sometimes. I know you need freedom to live your life. To explore and to make mistakes.” She sighed. “It’s hard to watch the suffering of those who I love most in the world.” She gripped her daughter’s hand. “I know Nickie is nothing like Cameron. I know that.” Her gaze remained sober. “However, I do believe you are young, with your whole life ahead of you.”
Her daughter looked at the table, playing with a few crumbs that Clarissa had missed when she had swiped it clean after breakfast. “Do you promise that you’ll trust me when I decide what I want?”
Taking a deep breath, Clarissa nodded. “Yes, although I will not bend on you completing school. You must finish high school.” She waited for her eldest to argue with her. When she merely nodded her agreement, Clarissa sighed with relief.
“I understand better, Mama.” Geraldine rose and wrapped her arms around Clarissa’s shoulders. “I’m sorry I made you cry.”
“Oh, my sweet girl,” Clarissa murmured. “All mothers and daughters have arguments. What’s important is that we apologize.” She met her daughter’s teary gaze. “Know that everything I want for you comes from a place of love.”
“I know, Mama,” Geraldine whispered. After a moment she said, “I realized I lied about never wanting to talk with you again, after I spoke with Eleanor this morning. Is her mama really that mean to her?” When her mother nodded mournfully, Geraldine’s eyes widened. “Can we adopt her?”
A startled laugh burst from Clarissa as she pulled her daughter close again. “Oh, you darling girl. How I love you. You are kind and generous and so loving.” She kissed her head as she released her. “Eleanor is welcome here as long as she wants to stay, although she may go to Uncle Colin’s, as he has a spare bedroom.”
“Why not Uncle Jeremy’s?” Geraldine asked, a furrow between her brows. “He likes her the best of all.”
Fighting an amused smile, Clarissa said, “He does. But there would be a slight scandal if she moved in, even with Uncle Martin living there. After all, I believe Jeremy hopes to marry her someday.” She made a shushing sound when Geraldine squealed with glee, although she was unable to hide her delighted smile.
“Oh, she’d be my aunt. She’s so nice and doesn’t mind rolling around on the ground and getting dirty while playing with us. And she makes Uncle Jeremy truly smile again.”
Cupping her daughter’s cheeks, Clarissa looked at her eldest with a mixture of wonder and sadness. “I forget sometimes how perceptive you are. Another sign that you are a young woman.”
Geraldine moved to the warming oven and saw two plates of food inside. She turned to look at her mother, who smiled and nodded.
“Yes, I saved you food. No matter how upset I was with you, I didn’t have the heart to set aside food for Eleanor and not for you.” She motioned for Geraldine to sit at the kitchen table. “I know I read a personal letter last night, and I’m sorry.”
Geraldine sighed. “I’m sorry I reacted like I did. Nickie and I have nothing to hide. He’s been mad at me for a few months that I haven’t told you and Papa. He loves and respects you and worries I’ve been ashamed of him.” She took a bite of eggs and then set down her fork. “Have you ever had anything in your life that was so good that you didn’t want to share it with anyone because you were certain, once you did, that it would go wrong?”
Her mother laughed and nodded. “Of course. But secrecy, in the end, creates its own problems.”
“I want to go to university too, Mama. Is that all right?” Geraldine bit her lip as her mother gaped at her. “I know I claimed that was your dream for me, but that was just spite. I wanted to hurt you.” She ducked her head in shame. “I’m sorry.”
“Oh, my Geraldine.” She sniffled and gripped her daughter’s hand. “One day you will know what it is to feel this overwhelming desire both to protect and to set free the ones you love most in the world. The constant contradictory tug can overcome common sense at times. I want what you want. I will love and support you, Geraldine. No matter what, my love for you will not diminish.”
Geraldine squeezed her mother’s hand before picking up her fork to continue to eat her breakfast. Soon they were interrupted by the younger children, eager to spend time playing outside.
* * *
Eleanor poked her head into the kitchen, smiling as she saw the note on the kitchen table for her. Clarissa had left a plate of food in the warming ov
en for her, and fresh milk was in the icebox. Eleanor held her head in her hand a moment, as disbelief and gratitude washed through her. Never had she known such kindness and friendship. Always she had needed to prove herself worthy of any consideration or softness.
She ducked her head as she brushed at her cheek, a soft smile spreading as she remembered resting in Jeremy’s arms. Although she continued to battle fears that his love for Savannah would always eclipse anything he felt for her, she was unable to deny her burgeoning emotions.
“Eleanor,” Clarissa said in a half pant as she half-walked, half-ran inside. “I worried we were making too much noise in the backyard.” Her flushed cheeks, her gray-streaked chestnut hair falling from its pins, and her grass-stained dress were all testaments to a rousing game of tag with her children. Laugher and shrieks of joy trickled in from outside as they continued to play. “I came in for a sip of water.”
Eleanor fingered yesterday’s dress and cringed. “I … I can never thank you enough for taking me in last night.”
Clarissa made a sound of dismissal and stood near her. “You’re my friend. I have a sense you’ll soon be more than a friend.” She squeezed Eleanor’s shoulder and smiled. “Don’t worry. Everything will work out.” She took another sip of water, glanced out the window to ensure no one was fighting, and then turned to rest against the kitchen counter. “Although I hope you don’t mind if I suggest you move to Colin’s. I’d love for you to stay here, but you’ll have nothing more than a pallet in Geraldine and Myrtle’s room. At Colin’s there is a guest bedroom.” Her eyes lit with mischief. “Until they have another baby.”
“Why would your brother take me in?” Eleanor whispered. “I’m nothing to him.”
“You’re special to Jeremy,” Clarissa said in a soft voice. “That is all that will matter to Colin and Araminta.” She continued to smile at Eleanor. “That’s all that matters to me.”
“She was like a sister to you.” When Clarissa nodded, Eleanor asked in a soft voice, “How can you ever want anything to do with me?”
Clarissa sniffled. “Because she asked me to.” She let out a stuttering breath and spoke in a wavering voice, thickened by tears. “Savannah thought her greatest threat was her pregnancy. Not the influenza. Never the influenza.” She swiped at a tear. “The day before she left, I had a few minutes alone with her as she packed her trunks. She asked me to be strong for Jeremy. To keep her memory alive by talking about her.” Clarissa cleared her throat and paused a long moment as she fought tears. “And to welcome whomever Jeremy eventually loved.”
Her blue eyes glowed with sincerity. “Savannah never wanted Jeremy to pine over her forever. She wanted to be mourned, as is natural. But not forever. She loved Jeremy so much that she wanted him to find love again. To know happiness again.” Clarissa smiled as she swiped at her cheeks. “I’m not sure I have as much generosity of spirit, as I can’t imagine Gabriel loving anyone but me.”
“Don’t torture yourself,” Eleanor murmured. “There’s no need.”
Clarissa nodded, glancing outside again. “They’re playing hide-and-seek with Geraldine. She’s such a good eldest sister.” She faced Eleanor again. “Will you wait here a moment?” When Eleanor nodded, Clarissa walked from the kitchen, and her feet were soon heard on the stairs.
Eleanor sat in quiet contentment in the kitchen, the clock ticking over the sink, the sound of children laughing outside mingled together with birdsong, and the quiet murmur of neighbors passing in front of the house. She relaxed, a sense of peace and security enveloping her for the first time in years.
Clarissa entered the kitchen with an envelope in her hand. “I believe Savannah would have liked you, Eleanor. And I hope I’m not erring in giving this to you. Perhaps I should have waited until things were more formal between you and Jeremy. However, after how he acted last night when he thought you were harmed, I believe it is only a matter of time until matters are formalized.”
Eleanor shook her head as she stared at her friend. “I don’t understand what you mean.”
“Of course you realize that Jeremy will marry you,” Clarissa said in a mystified tone. “How could you not?”
“I refuse to jump to conclusions.”
Gripping her friend’s hand, Clarissa said, “I cannot bear to imagine how disappointing your life with your mother must have been. It reminds me too much of how my life with my stepmother was.” She took a deep breath, as though she could chase away her memories by sheer force of will. “However, don’t allow your mother, or what she’s led you to believe, to prevent you from finding happiness now. From finding love.”
Eleanor closed her eyes as a tear leaked out.
“The truth is that Jeremy will always love Savannah. That doesn’t mean he can’t love you too,” Clarissa said, squeezing Eleanor’s hand. After taking a deep breath, she murmured, “Gabriel taught me that love is not finite. That the more one loves, the more love one has to offer. And Jeremy has always been generous when he loves.”
“I’m so afraid to hope,” Eleanor breathed.
“I know. I was too. And I’m so thankful I overcame my fears. For I’ve had a wondrous life filled with so much joy.” She sniffled. “I won’t lie. We’ve known heartache too. And we fight. But we always make up.” After a long moment, she held out the envelope. “This is for you. Read it when you want. I’ll never ask to know the contents.”
Staring at Clarissa in confusion and wonder, she shook her head. “Why? How?”
“I knew Sav. I have my memories. I don’t need a letter to know what she would have wanted. I don’t need a letter to know she would like you and would be forever thankful that you were kind and patient with her husband and her son.”
Clarissa rose and moved to the sink, where she picked up her glass of water and took another sip. “I should join the children.” She slipped from the room, leaving Eleanor staring at the letter from the woman she feared she’d never be able to match.
* * *
Hello,
I’m uncertain how to write a letter to the woman who will take my place. A place I never wanted usurped. If you are reading this, then I suffered an unfortunate demise while in Boston.
However, it also means that Jeremy has mourned and that he has found you worthy. It further means that my cousin, who is as a sister to both Jeremy and me, finds you worthy as well. For those two reasons alone, I know you should read this letter.
Although I was married before to someone else, Jeremy is the love of my life. He is a man who is slow to share his true feelings. Never doubt he has vulnerabilities and wounds, as you do. I fear he will attempt to protect you, and himself, by failing to discuss the deep damage his time in the Philippines provoked. Be gentle and ease those wartime memories from him. The burden of past errors and regrets are always more easily carried when shared.
As I sit here writing this, I must believe that you are a woman worthy of Jeremy. Worthy of his love. I also pray you are a generous woman who can love a child not of your womb. For I pray every day my baby lives. If you are not that woman, please be gentle when you say goodbye to my Jeremy.
He is a good and honorable man, and he deserves such a woman. I may flatter myself, but I like to believe I was such a woman to him. I must believe you are the woman he needs now.
Sincerely,
Savannah McLeod
Eleanor sat in a daze with the letter in front of her, tears coursing down her cheeks. She wondered at the woman who had the courage to write such a letter before she traveled to Boston, knowing there was a chance she would never return. Fingering the written words, Eleanor worried she would not have had such fortitude.
As she considered all Savannah had written, and the request at the end of the letter, Eleanor smiled through a haze of relieved and grateful tears. She knew, deep in her heart, that she would never let Jeremy go.
* * *
Gabriel paused while working with Jeremy in the workshop. Gabriel swiped at his forehead, smearing sawdust and d
irt on his sweaty brow. Glancing at the door to ensure it was ajar to allow the breeze to enter, he gave a resigned shrug that the summer heat had arrived and that he needed to acclimate. “Want a drink?” he asked Jeremy, as Gabriel moved to the pitcher of water they kept on the sideboard near Ronan’s workstation. At Jeremy’s nod, Gabriel poured two glasses. Ronan was home today, as he felt increasingly unwell.
Jeremy joined his brother and sat on one of the rocking chairs they had just finished constructing. “Ah, a solid piece.” He rested his head against its back and rocked for a few minutes.
“I imagine you need a few moments of rest after last night’s surprise visit,” Gabriel said, taking a sip of his water and watching his brother with avid curiosity. His blue eyes gleamed with unfettered relief at his brother’s emergence from the remnants of his deepest sorrows at the loss of his wife and daughter, dying only one month apart.
Jeremy sighed as he shut his eyes. “You have no idea the terror I felt when you knocked on my door.” He turned his head and met his brother’s gaze. “I thought I’d lost her too.”
“Jer,” Gabriel murmured. “No.”
After a prolonged silence, Jeremy whispered, “Did you ever wonder, even for a moment, if I’d been the one to hurt her?”
Gabriel nodded. “For a split second, because she jerked at your name when Clarissa instructed me to go for you. I couldn’t imagine you ever hurting her. Or any woman.” He leaned forward and bowed his head, as though in shame. “I’m sorry, Jer.”
Jeremy shook his head. “I understand. All that matters is that you came for me anyway. That you ensured she was well.” He looked at his brother. “You’ve spent your life trying to protect me.”
Triumphant Love: Banished Saga, Book Nine Page 26
