“You know he lied,” Jeremy said, as he cupped her cheek. “You know you’re beautiful and smart and that I’m the luckiest man in the world because you chose me.” His eyes shone with sincerity.
“I feel like I’m in a dream,” she whispered.
“How do you think I feel?” he asked, as he leaned forward and kissed away a tear that leaked down her cheek. “I never thought to feel like this again. Never thought I could feel this depth of emotion again. I’m terrified and elated all at once. And I’d have it no other way.”
She held out a hand, pointing at her upper body. “I know I’m not beautiful, like the women you’ve seen.”
He smiled tenderly at her and placed his hand gently in the middle of her chest. “You’re wrong again. You have curves in every place a man desires curves. Your breasts are beautiful and made for kissing.”
“Kissing?” she asked and then gasped, arching into him as he showed her what he meant. “Jeremy,” she moaned.
“Let me show you what loving can be,” he murmured, as he eased to lie beside her. “Let me banish every doubt, every fear you have. About yourself and about us.” He looked deeply into her passion-filled eyes. “Please, darling.”
“Yes,” she whispered, then pulled his head down for an ardent kiss. “Please, yes.”
* * *
Eleanor rested on her side, her back to Jeremy. He traced his hand over her silky smooth back and kissed her shoulder blades. When she remained quiet, he kissed her again. “Ellie?” he whispered. “Ellie, are you all right?”
He frowned when he saw her shoulders shake and then heard a soft inhalation, like a woman attempting to conceal a sob. “Ellie, please,” he murmured. “Tell me what I did, and I’ll make it better.”
She shook her head and remained turned away from him.
He sighed, resting on his side, and then pushed away. After turning to sit on the opposite side of the bed, he held his head in his hands. What had happened? They had made glorious love. He remembered losing himself in her sensual response and then falling asleep together. He looked over his shoulder, unable to reconcile the deflated woman crying in the bed to the passionate woman he’d held in his arms an hour before. He rose, slipping on his pants, and then walked to her side of the bed.
Kneeling beside her, he pushed her hair out of the way to better see her. Tears leaked from her eyes as she quietly sobbed. No keening, no pounding fists on his chest as she demanded better. Instead a silent heartbreak. “Was it that terrible?” he asked, unable to hide the hurt and the doubt from his voice.
She opened her eyes and stared at him. When she realized he would not leave until she answered, she pushed herself up onto her arms and stared at him, dumbfounded. “How can you ask me that?” she whispered. “How? … After what you did?”
He ran a hand over his head and let out a breath as he furrowed his brows. “It’s called lovemaking.”
She gave a little scream and pushed herself up, unheeding her nakedness. Her long black hair swung forward to cover her chest, and the sheets tangled around her waist and legs. “How dare you mock me!” she cried. “I … I thought, I hoped I would be enough for you. But I realize now, I never will be.”
“Ellie, what are you talking about?” Jeremy asked, his expression perplexed. “We found tremendous passion and pleasure together. Please tell me that you felt what I did.”
Tears cascaded down her cheeks, and she stared at him, as though her heart were breaking. “I did. I did, Jeremy.” She gripped her hands together on her lap as he leaned forward as though hoping she would cup his jaw or show him any sign of tenderness.
“What did I do wrong?”
She stared at him with a shattered gaze and stuttered in and out a few breaths. “You called me Savannah. Right before you fell asleep.”
His head dropped forward, bouncing on the mattress twice. “Dammit,” he whispered. He raised his head to meet her devastated gaze. Cupping her cheeks, he looked deeply into her eyes. “I promise you, every touch, every kiss was for you. My every thought was of you.” His eyes shone with sincerity and with pleading. “I … I don’t know why I said that when I was falling asleep.”
“You still want her. Not me,” Eleanor cried out, as she ducked her head so that his palm fell away from her cheek. She avoided his gaze, entreating her to have faith in him and his love. She fell onto her side, her arms wrapped around her belly, further separating herself from him.
“I … Do you want me to go?” he asked.
“No,” she whispered. She dashed his nascent hope a second later. “Let me dress, and then I’d like you to escort me to Colin’s.”
He backed away from the bed, turning to face the storage area to give her privacy as she tugged on her clothes. He heard her grunt and mumble, but she never asked for his help, and he didn’t offer it. He wondered, as he stared around the room that had once been Gabriel’s home with Clarissa, if he would ever have the chance to earn her forgiveness.
Chapter 21
Richard gasped as he climbed up the steep incline of one of the hills surrounding the city. He shook his head at the thought of calling such a thing a “hill.” In his world, this was a mountain. However, as he looked to the north, the much taller mountains stood as sentinels to the valley, and he realized that his idea of mountains would never be the same after this journey to Montana. He had thought to enjoy a walk with his brothers, while his children spent time with their cousins.
“A walk?” Richard muttered as he looked up the hill to see Jeremy and Gabriel standing with hips cocked out, waiting for him. “Montana torture, more like,” he muttered as he took one last deep breath and forced one foot in front of the other as he continued the steady climb up the mountain. When they reached an area that flattened out for a few feet, something Gabriel called a saddle, Richard took a deep breath.
“Do you want to stop here or go all the way to the top?” Gabriel asked. He winked at Jeremy.
Richard collapsed to the ground and shook his head. “Here is good enough. How much better can the view be up there?” He peered backward to where the top of the hill could be and shook his head again. It looked as though it kissed the sky, and he had no inclination to even stand, much less continue his torturously slow progress up the hill. “Maybe in a week or so but not now.”
Jeremy chuckled and sat beside his brother. “You’ll get used to it.”
Richard looked out at the valley spread below him, the town at the river’s edge creeping farther into the valley. However, most of the valley remained farms or ranchland. On the north side of the river, near smaller hills he now wished they’d chosen to traverse, was one of the railroad lines that entered the city. The other hugged the southern part of the river before entering the canyon near the small University of Montana.
He nodded as Gabriel pointed out landmarks and then made an appreciative sound when Gabriel motioned to a peak to the south called Lolo that led to the Bitterroot Mountains and its valley.
Listening to the wind blow through the tall grass, the birds chirp to each other, and the distant sounds of the town below, Richard let out a deep breath. He closed his eyes, relaxing fully for the first time in a year and a half. He did not envision a sea of molasses approaching him now. Instead he saw nothing. A blessed nothing.
“Rich?” Gabriel said in a low voice. “What’s going on between you and Florence?”
Richard sighed and flopped onto his back. He stared up at the large fluffy clouds that soared over the valley floor with varying shades of white. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen clouds like this before. Or I’ve never taken the time to notice.” When Gabriel tapped him on his leg, Richard looked at his eldest brother. “We’re at an impasse. And I don’t know how to make it better.”
“Why?” Jeremy asked as he dropped beside his brother too, leaning on one elbow to better study him. “You’ve never been like this before.”
“We had difficulties after we lost our first daughter,” Richard murmured. “And there’re always
challenges in any marriage.” He looked at his brothers. “We’ve been too far away to share the day-to-day struggles.” He shrugged. “Perhaps that was a good thing. It made Florence and me stronger. More reliant on each other, rather than our family.” He closed his eyes. “But I could have used you this past year.”
“All you had to do was write, Rich,” Gabriel said, unable to hide the hurt in his voice. “Either or both of us would have come.”
Richard opened his eyes and stared at the sky. A piercing blue with the whitest clouds. He wondered if he imagined everything larger and more beautiful here simply because he was finally reunited with family and everything was new. Or if it were truly that much grander here. “I’ve never recovered,” he whispered. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Gabriel still at his comment. “After the molasses incident.”
“But you assured us. In your letters,” Gabriel stammered. “Everything was fine. You were fine.”
Richard held out his arms and kicked out his legs. “I am physically. You can see that for yourselves. But something happened while I was stuck in that morass of molasses. I lost my way.”
“How?” Jeremy asked. He shook his head in frustration. “You were stuck and then freed. How can you lose your way?”
“I’ve never been to war, Jer. I’d never presume to know what that is like. But seeing that wave of molasses coming at me and, in a flash, fearing that I’d never see Agnes grow. Never have a chance to teach the boys everything I wanted …” His eyes glowed with regret. “Never hold Flo in my arms again and tell her how much I loved her and the life we built.” He sighed. “And then I was stuck. Stuck in that goo for hours. I could breathe, but, if I’d moved my head at all, my mouth would have filled with it, and I would have suffocated. All around me, I heard the cries of those who were like me. But worse. Hurt and dying.” He closed his eyes. “I can still hear them.”
“What do you dream about?” Jeremy asked in a quiet voice.
“That I’m buried alive and that no one can reach me. That, no matter how hard I try, always more molasses is on top of me.” He sat up and looked at his brothers, shame and defeat in his expression. “I struck Flo. When I was in the midst of one of my terrors.” He rubbed at his forehead. “She was trying to wake me from it. I thought she was pushing me farther into the morass.”
“Oh, Rich,” Gabriel murmured, clasping his shoulder. “I know she understood.”
Richard’s eyes glowed with impotent fury. “I will never risk harming her. Never again. I can’t … I can’t hurt her.”
Jeremy took a deep breath and then murmured, “From where I’m sitting, and from what I’ve seen, you already are.”
Richard shook his head in immediate denial at Jeremy’s words but, when Gabriel nodded his agreement, Richard slouched down until he laid on his back again. “Do you have any idea what it did to me to realize I’d hurt my wife? Physically harmed her?” He shook his head as he paused, his lower jaw jutted out slightly, as though attempting to corral intense emotions. “She said she understood. But every time she winced the following day, when one of the children inadvertently touched where I had bruised her, I knew I couldn’t risk harming her again.”
Gabriel sat with his arms slung over his knees, watching the long grass sway in the breeze. In the distance, he saw a hawk, soaring and swooping as it sought prey on land. “Have you spoken with her about it since?”
Richard rested a bent arm over his face, ostensibly to protect it from the blazing sun, but it also aided in protecting him from seeing his brothers’ reactions. “Yes. Once. I heard her in the kitchen. She was upset because I was keeping myself apart.”
Jeremy tugged at Richard’s arm, pulling it away from his head. His green eyes were filled with concern as he met his brother’s resigned gaze. “Apart? How?”
“I’ve been sleeping on the sofa. It seemed the safest,” he murmured.
Gabriel’s eyebrows shot up. “For how long?” When Richard merely stared at him, Gabriel asked, “Months?”
Richard nodded. After both of his brothers hopped up to pace, Richard heaved himself to stand. He ignored the aching burn in his legs and watched as they trampled a path in the tall grass.
“Have you ever shared with Florence your fears?” Jeremy asked, as he spun to face his middle brother.
Richard shrugged. “Some of them.”
Jeremy nodded. “Did you know that, when I was first with Savannah, I attacked her in the middle of one of my nightmares?” He nodded again as his brothers gaped at him. “We were in the workshop, in Boston, and I’d fallen asleep. She tried to wake me from a nightmare, and I toppled her to the ground. Thankfully I woke up before I did any lasting damage.” He looked at his middle brother with compassion. “She forgave me.”
“How did you trust yourself again?” Richard whispered.
Jeremy shrugged. “I don’t know. But the thought of not holding her in my arms when I had the chance?” His head shook side to side, over and over again. “Impossible.” With eyes glistening with tears, he rasped, “Don’t waste time, Rich. You never know when you’ll run out of it.”
Richard groaned and held his head in his hands. “I don’t know what to do. I want to protect her from me. I’m not the man I was.”
“That’s a load of bull, and you know it,” Gabriel snapped. He gripped Richard’s shoulders and looked fiercely into his beloved brother’s eyes. “You’ve suffered. And I’m damn sorry you have. I’m even sorrier that Jer and I weren’t there to help ease your torment. But I know you, Rich, and I know the man you are. And that man hasn’t changed.”
Richard watched his eldest brother with a mixture of awe and frustration. “Gabe, I know you take pride in having raised us well.” He swallowed, and his shoulders slouched. “But I know I’m a disappointment to her. And I will be to you.”
Gabriel growled low in his throat, gripping Richard by the nape and holding him so he couldn’t look away. “You will never be a disappointment. Not to me.” His eyes glowed with sincerity. “I would like to know why you’d believe I’d consider you one.” When Richard remained silent, Gabriel said, “You are a wonderful father who loves all his children. You are loyal and loving to your wife. Even this harebrained notion you have is out of love. You have a successful business. You are a devoted brother and uncle.”
Jeremy nodded his agreement to Gabriel’s statements.
“How did you reconcile with Clarissa?” Richard asked. “After Rory died.”
“I begged her to forgive me and then sobbed in her arms.” Gabriel let out a deep breath and rubbed at his heart, an unconscious movement he often did whenever his beloved son Rory’s name was mentioned. Rory had died in a tragic accident when he fell and hit his head, and then drowned in a creek on the morning of his seventh birthday. Gabriel had carried him home, dead in his arms, to face Clarissa at the surprise party she had planned.
After months of grief and separation, they had finally found peace. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that I have to lean on Clarissa when my own strength fails.”
“I hate the thought of Flo seeing me as weak,” Richard whispered.
Jeremy snorted and shook his head. “Come on, Rich. That’s what marriage is about. At least, what a good marriage is anyway.”
Gabriel dragged Richard down again to sit on the ground with him.
Jeremy crouched before sitting and facing his brother. “I understand wanting to appear strong and capable. But there is power in showing our wives that we aren’t always strong or capable. And in them seeing us when we’re vulnerable and loving us anyway.” He paused and then murmured, “You’re robbing her of her right to comfort you.”
Richard dropped his head forward and groaned. “I hate that you’re both correct.”
The brothers sat in companionable silence for many minutes, before deciding to return to their families.
* * *
After descending the hill, and watching Richard head in the direction of Uncle Aidan’s hou
se with renewed purpose, Gabriel steered Jeremy toward the river. “Come. It’s time we talked.”
Jeremy looked at his brother and walked beside him as they walked down side streets until they approached the Clark Fork River. A family of mergansers swam in the river, diving and searching for food. Swallows flew overhead, while butterflies flitted in the sunlight.
After finding a quiet place in the shade to sit on a log, Gabriel motioned for his brother to join him. “Well?”
Jeremy sat with a thud and shook his head. “I’d hoped you weren’t as observant as you’ve always been.” He met his brother’s patient stare. “Eleanor and I had a fight.”
When Jeremy stared at the rippling river, Gabriel made a sound of disgust. “It seems as though it was more than an argument. I’ve heard rumblings that the wedding is off.” He nodded as Jeremy jerked, as though stabbed. “I’m glad to hear that news is as shocking to you as it was to Clarissa and me.” He plucked at a long piece of grass and tied it in knots. “What happened, Jer?”
Jeremy sat with his elbows on his knees, hunched forward, mimicking his brother as he played with a piece of grass. “Eleanor thinks I’ll never love her like Savannah. And she’s right.” He saw his brother flinch at his words. “How could I? I loved Savannah with an all-consuming passion. The idealist passion of a boy which transformed into the love of a man.” His eyes glowed with that love and the grief that came with it. “I’m not that man now. I love Eleanor with the love of a man who’s lost everything, but who’s willing to dare again. How could I love her the same?”
Gabriel nodded. “It’s not because you can’t let Savannah go?”
Jeremy shook his head. “No. I’ll always love her. I’ll always mourn what we lost. But I long for the future I can build with Ellie. Only with her.” He rubbed at his head. “We left my house after your anniversary party. She had a crazy notion that we needed to make love before our wedding. To ensure that I wanted her and would not be disappointed in her.” His green eyes flashed with anger as he looked at his brother. “It appears Cameron filled her head with nonsense during the short time they were together. That she was ugly and that no man would ever find her attractive. All bull to control her.”
Triumphant Love: Banished Saga, Book Nine Page 33
