by Nina Levine
We drive the rest of the way in silence. When we arrive, Winter says, “I’ll come in with you, so that Eloise lets you in.”
I grab the books. “Thank you.”
It turns out I don’t need him to help me with Eloise; she’s not here.
“She’s out getting high,” Maddox says when Winter asks where she is.
Winter works his jaw, but doesn’t give his opinion on that. Looking at me, he says, “I’ll be with Memphis. Take your time.”
Maddox looks at me, confused after watching Winter walk down the path to the front gate. “Why are you here?”
I cock my head. “You’re not happy to see me?”
“Not what I said.” Goodness, he sounds like Winter.
“I brought you some books.” Suddenly, I’m all weird about bringing him books, and feel the need to explain, so I vomit my words all over the place when I say, “I thought you were still at the clubhouse. You know, cooped up and bored. So I went to the library and asked the girl to recommend me some books for a guy your age. I thought they might keep you from being so bored. But if this is weird, I’ll just take them back to the library and—”
“Fuck, you talk a lot when you’re nervous.” He takes the books out of my hands and steps back to let me in the house. “Let’s see if this chick at the library knows her shit.”
I stare at him in amazement. I really like how he just says what he’s thinking, and how he reads me so well.
I enter his home and walk down the hallway, unsure of where we’re going.
“Take the first left,” he directs from behind me, and I do as he says, stepping into the lounge room.
Eloise might have enough cash to buy drugs, but she doesn’t have enough to buy new furniture. What they have is old and worn, but at least it’s clean. It’s weird I’m even thinking about this, though. I never pay much attention to people’s furniture or what they choose to spend their money on.
Maddox plops down into one of the armchairs and I take the couch. He flips through the books and when he gets to the third one, his eyes light up. Looking at me, he holds the book up and says, “Fuck, yes. This one’s gold.” He then checks out the last two and announces they’re also good.
I’m on top of the world that he’s happy with the choices. “Let me know when you’re finished them and I’ll get more. Whatever you want, just write the titles down and I’ll see if they have them.”
He pulls out his phone. “What’s your number?”
Oh.
I’m not sure why I hadn’t thought of this. He needs a way to reach me.
I rattle off my number and a second later, a text comes through from him.
* * *
Unknown number: Yo, this is Maddox.
* * *
I smile and send him back a text.
* * *
Me: And this is the queen. Make sure you look after those books.
* * *
He grins. “Pretty sure if I ruin these books, your old man will ruin me.”
I stand to leave. “Well, he would, except I’ll ruin you first.”
As he watches me walk down his front path, he calls out, “You’re okay for a princess.”
I turn and smile. “And you’re okay for a mouthy teen.”
On the drive home, I take hold of Winter’s hand and snuggle against him, feeling all kinds of I don’t know what. All I know for sure is that for the first time in a very long time, I’m not as sad as I have been.
34
Birdie
* * *
“I miss you,” I say to Winter over the phone late one night a week after he left for Brisbane.
“I miss you, too, angel.” The exhaustion in his voice makes me wanna end the call so he can sleep, but the selfish part of me wants just a little bit longer with him. We talk every night, but some calls are less than five minutes long due to him being strapped for time.
“Have you seen the boys?” Max’s kids.
“Not yet. I’m gonna try to get over tomorrow and spend some time with them. How was work today?”
“Good. You’ll be proud of me; I left at three this afternoon.”
The line turns silent before he comes back to me. “Sorry, I have to go.”
My disappointment is heavy, but I keep it on the inside. “Okay. I hope everything is okay.” I’m fucking petrified it’s not.
“Yeah, it will be. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Maybe in the morning if I can swing it.”
“I love you.”
“Love you, too.” With that, he’s gone, and I try to push the fear I have for him away. I remind myself that Winter was a trained SAS member, that he survived Afghanistan, and that he’s the most sensible man I know. He won’t put himself in the kind of danger he can’t survive.
Find something to do.
Take your mind off everything for a bit.
Didn’t you wanna learn how to crochet?
Jesus, where do you come up with this stuff? Crocheting?
I pad out to the kitchen to grab a drink, running through the things I could do to free my mind of worry. On the way, I pass the room that was going to be the nursery and I stop outside.
The door’s shut.
It has been since the day we removed the cot and everything else in there.
My hand goes to the door handle.
My heart beats faster.
I open the door and step inside.
The walls are white; the room is empty.
It’s uninhabited.
Unused.
Bare.
Just like my uterus.
Tears prick my eyes and my hand goes back to the door handle to close the door, but I stop myself.
Let the tears fall.
Don’t numb the dark if you want light.
Damn you Brené Brown for being so wise.
God, how I want the light.
I told Winter I chose him months ago, and he told me the same. But we haven’t done very well with that choice. We’ve numbed the dark, and Brené is so right: numbing the hard feelings ends up numbing all the feelings. We’ve lost joy. We’ve lost happiness. We’ve lost our way.
I let my tears fall and I refuse to run from my feelings. They all come rushing in; a tsunami I’ve been holding back for too long.
Time passes while I collapse to the floor and curl into a ball while sobbing my heart out.
An hour goes by, maybe two. I don’t know. I don’t care. I’ll cry until I’m all cried out. And maybe I’ll come back tomorrow and cry some more. I’ve got seven years of tears buried inside me.
A text comes through and then another, but I don’t reach for my phone. I hope it’s not Winter, but if it is, I can’t speak to him right now. I can’t speak to anyone. I need this time for me.
Winter’s right: I didn’t give my body time to recover before I went back to work. That’s okay; it recovered in time anyway. My soul, though, needed longer. It needed me time and I never gave it that.
You can give it that now.
It’s not too late.
My tears eventually dry up, but I stay here, in this ball, and just linger.
When do people ever linger anymore? We’re always so damn busy. It feels so good to just be.
I’m going to do it more often.
I finally sit up and reach for my phone.
I smile as I read the texts. They light my night up. Who would have thought a couple of messages could do that so easily?
* * *
Maddox: Yo, queen. That book you brought over yesterday fkn rocked. You need to give that library chick a high 5 from me.
Maddox: How old is she? Is she hot?
* * *
I go into the bathroom and splash cold water on my face before making a cup of tea and taking it to bed. Once I’m settled, I text Maddox back.
* * *
Me: She’s about fifty and not bad looking. You want me to hook you up?
Maddox: No fkn way. A 50 yo chick knows about these books?
; Me: We don’t lose our brain cells as we get older.
Maddox: I thought they fell outta your head once you hit 40. Oh wait, you’re over 40. My bad.
Me: If you want more books, you’ll be nice to me.
Maddox: I’ve got a list.
* * *
He sends through a list of ten books he wants. Over the last week, he’s returned the first lot of books I took him, and I delivered the second lot yesterday. I love that he’s into reading this much. Mostly, he reads graphic novels, but this latest list contains a non-fiction title about the brain. I love that even more. He told me one of his friends got him banned from hiring books from his school library about two months ago. He’s banned for one more month, so me taking him books seems to make his day.
* * *
Maddox: Also, you still good to take me to join the library this weekend?
Me: Yes. Any time after ten.
Maddox: Sweet.
Me: I also got you a myki card and loaded it with some cash so you can get to the library whenever you want. I can top up online for you. And I know there’s an app, but I didn’t know that when I got you the card. You can always swap if it’s easier.
* * *
He stops texting for a few minutes and I wonder where he went, but then he comes back.
* * *
Maddox: Thanks. Gotta go.
Maddox: PS you really the queen.
* * *
I stare at his last text, having no idea what he means. I think he means it in a good way, but who knows with teens. They have their own language. I’ve never felt my age so much as I do when I talk to Maddox. But not in a bad way; more in a fun way, because he laughs at the things I say and that makes me laugh. It reminds me we’re all just here living life in our own way, and laughing really is the best medicine.
Tonight reminded me that crying is also good medicine sometimes. I feel a little less weighed down after allowing my tears and emotions to engulf me. And now, after texting with Maddox, I’m smiling from the inside.
The week passes in a blur of work, missing Winter, and tears from spending every night in the nursery. I’m finding it weirdly therapeutic to be in that room. It’s like being there is helping me release my hurt. I want to talk to Winter about it, but I won’t; not while he’s in Brisbane focussed on club stuff. When he gets home, we can talk.
Saturday comes around and I’m excited to take Maddox to the library. I meet him at the clubhouse after Memphis brings him over. Memphis could have just taken him straight to the library, but I told him I want to take Maddox, so he agreed to bring him here first.
As Maddox walks towards my car, I take in the bruise and cuts on his face. “Hey,” I say.
He lifts his chin. “Hey.” Something’s off with him; he usually greets me with a smile and more words than that. And usually, he throws in some smartass comment about my princessy look.
I leave it for now, not wanting to dig into heavy stuff straight away. We get in my car and start the ten-minute drive to the library.
After a couple of minutes of silence, I say, “Did you get through many of the books I brought over the other day?”
He’s been staring out the window and doesn’t draw his attention away from that to answer me. “I finished two of them.”
It’s clear he doesn’t want to talk, so I leave him be. Not my strongest strength, but I’ve had years of practice with Winter, so I manage not to talk the rest of the drive.
It’s busy when we arrive, so it takes some time for Maddox to sign up and become a member. I spend the time browsing for some books for myself. I’m deep in thought over one of the books I find when Maddox’s voice sounds from beside me. “I’m done.”
“Shit,” I mutter as my head jerks up, taken by surprise. Looking at him, I say, “You could give a girl some warning when you’re about to creep up on her.”
“Thought I did.”
I note the books he’s holding. Goodness, I’ve lost track of time; he’s finished signing up and already chosen his books. “Are you ready to go?”
“Yeah.”
Today is not going at all how I envisioned it. I don’t know why, but I imagined a fun time with him. Instead, he’s withdrawn and broody. I guess I should have planned for that; he is a teenage boy after all.
If there’s one thing IVF taught me, it’s to roll with life even when it doesn’t give you what you expected. So I say, “Okay then, let’s go.”
We check our books out and head back to the car. Once we’re strapped in, I look at him. “You wanna get some junk food? I feel like a burger.”
That gets his attention. “The queen eats burgers?”
I grin. “Oh, you’d be surprised what this queen eats.”
“Fuck yeah I want a burger.”
I’m glad he said yes. I really am craving a burger today and also, I want more time with him before Memphis takes him home.
We drive to the closest McDonalds and I follow him inside. We’re almost to the register to order when two kids approach us.
“Maddox,” the tall, lanky one says with a chin lift.
Maddox looks at them and swears under his breath before saying, “Jay.”
The other kid, the shorter one, says, “Did DoCS finally take you away from your mama?” He eyes me. “This your new one? Wonder if she’ll do nasty shit to score, too?” What the hell does that mean?
Maddox’s face explodes with thunder and he grabs the second kid’s shirt and barrels him backwards into the wall. Before I realise what’s happening, he punches the kid hard in the face and roars, “Shut the fuck up, Brad. You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
I watch as Jay moves to Maddox and grabs his shirt to pull him off his friend. When his other hand lifts, presumably to punch Maddox, my instincts kick in and I quickly close the distance between us, and step into the fray.
Not my smartest move, but I’m running on pure instinct, and everything inside me is screaming to protect Maddox.
“Stop!” I yell, trying to push Jay away from Maddox, and trying to get Maddox to stop fighting the other boy.
Jay’s angry eyes come to me. “Bitch, you wanna—”
I see red. The little shit. Squaring my shoulders, I snap, “I don’t wanna anything, mate, but you might wanna never call me bitch again. And you and your friend might wanna walk the fuck outta here and leave us alone.”
Those angry eyes of Jay’s glitter with interest. “We’ve got a wild mama bear here.”
“No, what you’ve got is a woman you don’t wanna mess with.”
He looms over me. “Is that so?”
“Fuck, Birdie,” Maddox says, shoving Brad out of the way so he can get to me. “You do not wanna do this.”
I stand my ground, my eyes glued to Jay. “Maddox, you seen the man I live with? And the men I call family? Trust me when I tell you, I can look after myself.”
Brad joins Jay and tries to stare me down, too. “You got any idea who you’re fucking dealing with here, lady?”
I look at him. “No, but have you?”
Before he can reply, Memphis’s deep voice cuts in. “You got a problem here, Birdie?”
I watch as Brad and Jay both take Memphis in and realise who they’re actually dealing with.
“Fuck, man,” Brad says, taking a step back and holding his hands up defensively. “We don’t want any problems.”
Memphis moves closer to them, his body like stone, his eyes hard. “That’s exactly what you’re going to have if I ever see you near Birdie or Maddox again.”
Brad nods and looks like he can’t get out of here fast enough. Jay is a little slower; he seems to think he could take Memphis on. However, Brad grips his arm and says, “Don’t be a fucking idiot. You don’t wanna mess with Storm.”
As we watch them leave, I say to Memphis, “Thanks. Although I’m pretty sure I could have taken them both on and come out the winner.”
He grins and shakes his head at me. “Yeah, Birdie, no fucking dou
bt you could have, but do us both a favour and stay out of fights while Winter’s away. I like my balls where they are.”
I roll my eyes. “You guys are all so fucking attached to your balls. You need to live a little.” As he continues to shake his head at me, I say, “You want a burger?”
“Nah, I’m juicing at the moment. I’ll wait outside for you.”
“I’ll try not to tangle with anyone else,” I call as he walks out.
He doesn’t turn back, just shakes his head some more.
“You’re a fucking crazy woman,” Maddox says as I laugh at Memphis. “Those guys are—”
I look at him. “Those guys are boys who need to learn about the big wide world, Maddox. And part of that is knowing they can’t mess with you, because if they do, they’re messing with Storm.”
“What the fuck have I got to do with Storm? Just because my sperm donor was a member, doesn’t make me affiliated with the club.”
“Right, we do need to talk about that, but first, you’re with me now, which means you’re with Storm whether you like it or not.”
He stares at me for a long few moments before saying, “I’m ready to order.”
Talking with Maddox reminds me a little of talking with Winter. They’re happy to do it until the conversation gets too close to their heart. Maybe that’s why God introduced Maddox and me. I’m still undecided on this, but maybe God really is a woman, and thinks Maddox could do with some of my kind of love.
“Yes, let’s get food,” I agree as we get back in line. The manager is watching us like she’s not really sure what to make of us after the incident with Jay and Brad, so I smile at her, hoping to let her know all is good now. She returns my smile and walks away from the register.
