Jared's Heart

by Fel Fern

  “Old? Who the fuck are you calling old?” Alessio demanded, bristling.

  “Behave, hon,” chided Alessio’s half-demon and half-human mate, Kelias, who sat beside him.

  Alessio grumbled something under his breath, and Jared met Jane’s grin beside Kelias. Sitting at the head of the long table, as was his right as Alpha, Sergio chuckled. Sergio’s very pregnant Omega mate Ron tried to smooth the situation over by offering anyone more mash potatoes. Seated to Sergio’s right, even Michella’s eyes sparkled with amusement. When she gave him a considering look, Jared looked away. Michella had always been the older sister he never had, but she was inquisitive too.

  Damn it all. The three knew exactly what tomorrow was. The anniversary of their parents’ death, and every year, either one, or all three of them always made an excuse to get together. Usually, Michella and Jane would take a girl’s trip out of Darkfall. Jared, well. He had his own way to deal with grief. It was the time of the year the black side of Jared came out. Most of the time, the wolves in the pack saw him as a cheerful enforcer. Easy to deal with, Jared was the guy they came to when problems arose, and they couldn’t reach any of the pack leaders.

  Jared took stock of the overcrowded table in Alessio’s apartment. Their little mixed family had grown over the years. Ten years was a long time, yet it was only recently Sergio and Alessio found their mates. Seeing them act around their mates, show a tender side, Jared seldom saw, his heart ached. His wolf longed for its missing half, which it did often, after seeing many of the Darkfall members find their soul mates.

  Shifters were hardwired to come in pairs. Alone they were broken halves that needed to be whole—that was something hopeless romantics would say. Pure bullshit. Jared’s experience in terms of relationships all came from random hook-ups. Scoring high in the pack hierarchy ladder helped. As an enforcer, who helped keep the order, settled fights when necessary, and fought on the front lines when other animal groups who challenged their territory—Jared had no trouble picking up men and women. Jared was always up for a wild ride, but once his fuck buddies started to demand more, he’d cut them off.

  Better that way anyway, because Jared wasn’t interested in anything lasting. Jane constantly worried for him. So did Michella, but Sergio and Alessio always said it took time. Jared didn’t want to break their hearts and confess he had no interest in breaking someone’s heart, and his own. Why risk so much, when Jared only had one goal in mind?

  Fifteen years ago, a certain drunken werebear set things in motion. Jared played his part. Did what was expected of him. Sergio and the rest gave Jane and him a second chance at life, so he lived. Jared finished school, made friends, became an integral member of the pack. He valued his extended family, loved Jane and the Esteban siblings.

  Decent men would find forgiveness over the long years. They’d find a way to live with the grief and pain. Jane did. She didn’t let the shadow of the past touch her, but Jared wasn’t built the same way. He’d never been the strong one, despite how many shifters he’d killed or best. True strength came from inside, but all the goodness bled out of Jared when he witnessed his parents died. Saw Jane’s bloody body so near him, but his human body was too broken and weak to even reach her and hold her hand.

  If Sergio didn’t arrive, what would have happened to them?

  Kelias shuffled out of his seat. “Who’s hungry for dessert?”

  Alessio tugged at the former hunter’s arm, and Jared saw the cover-up tattoo where the Order of the Knife’s insignia used to be, a reminder Alessio nearly waged an entire war against an order of fanatic human hunters to keep Kelias.

  “I’d rather have you,” Alessio said. Kelias’s cheeks turned red.

  “Brother,” Michella warned.

  “Let me guess, you’re going to say ‘there are pups within hearing vicinity?” Jared asked. Michella shot him a glare, and then crossed her arms.

  “Cheesecake,” was all she said.

  “Coming right up,” Kelias said brightly.

  “You better have plenty, because I can eat,” Ron shouted. Beside him, Sergio patted his arm affectionately.

  “Christ, sometimes the sappiness you guys display is overwhelming,” Jared muttered.

  “Well, you can fix that, by finding a suitable mate,” Michella put in, making Jane giggle.

  Jared groaned. “Not this again. Michella, seriously, I’m doing fine.”

  “If I have to hear another pack member complain about you dropping them cold, I’m going to go mad,” Michella grumbled. Jared winced, knowing what she meant. Aside from typical shifter abilities, Michella was an empath capable of reading moods and emotions. Said abilities made her a favorite person to go to when wolves needed a listening ear. She tilted her head, and Jared knew that look.

  “Don’t, please,” he automatically said.

  Sergio grinned. Ron looked at them, clueless. Sergio explained, “Michella wants to set Jared up.”

  “No more blind dates,” Jared protested. “Come on, the last guy you set me up with was a fucking bore. The weregator only talked about stocks and bonds, and his love for NASCAR.”

  Kelias came back with two cheesecakes, and Ron instantly swiped an entire one for himself. Arguing back and forth with his family, Jared realized he’d missed all this bantering. Why couldn’t he let the past go? Why was it so hard, to remain content with all the blessings he’s been given?

  After coffee and dessert, Alessio threw them all out of the apartment, grumbling he wanted some private time with Kelias.

  “Brother, you’re an awful host,” Michella chimed. “Then again, Sergio and Ron were also at it like rabbits.”

  Grinning, Sergio led his blushing mate to the lift.

  “Jared, wait,” Alessio said. Jared didn’t miss the secret look Alessio traded with Michella.

  “Look, I’ll be fine,” Jared said. Sergio and Ron had left, so did Michella and Jane. Only Jared and he stood in the doorway. Seemingly understanding Alessio wanted some private time, Kelias kept away.

  “No you’re not.” Alessio gave him a look. “Why don’t you take a nice break? Kelias and I are heading to the mountains tomorrow. We’re borrowing Garret’s cabin, and there’s plenty of room for one more.”

  “Hearing you two banging on every surface doesn’t sound appealing,” Jared answered, keeping his tone light. “Look, it’s been fifteen years. Leave me to brood, to be Dark Jared for a day, and the day after that? I’ll be right as rain.”

  Alessio paused, considering his next words. Then he nodded, clasping Jared’s shoulder. “Sorry, about being a dick. It’s not that we don’t trust you. We just worry about you, that’s all.”

  Jared blew out a breath. “I know. That’s what families are for, right? They nag. I’m grateful, Ales. You guys took Jane and me, took care of us, even though you were practically kids yourselves. Thank you.”

  Swallowing, Alessio nodded. It was rare to see the ever-guarded beta drop his guard. “Well, you have my number if you change your mind.”

  “I do.” Jared left, heading down to his car.

  He drove back to his own place, wanting some quiet time. Growing up, they’d lived with the Esteban siblings, but after Jared graduated from high school, the Esteban siblings got Jane and him their own apartment. After college, Jared got his own, and Jane hers. Good, because it would make this easier. Jared thought he’d be more calm, and certain of his purpose. His end game. Instead, emotions coiled in his belly. Uncertainty. Guilt.

  His Golden Retriever, Hero, waited for Jared behind the door of his apartment.

  “Hey, boy, hungry?” Jared rubbed Hero’s ears, and then headed to the kitchen, Hero at his heels. He opened a can of pet food and placed it in Hero’s bowl. “Need to find you a home, if you know, if I don’t come back.”

  Christ. Who would give Hero to? Jane was bad with animals, but Michella would take him in. Alessio would too. Why did he start having second thoughts about this? Jared took a cold shower, and settled in his bed, pullin
g his red folder to him. He shifted through its contents. Hell, if Jane or any of the Esteban siblings knew he had this, who knew what they would think about him?

  News clippings poured out. Court hearings. A face stared back at Jared from a blurry photo. He whispered the fucker’s name, like he did on some nights, when a warm body couldn’t distract him.

  “Matthias Jensen. Killer. Murderer. Dead man.” Jared was aware of the unhealthy symptoms he harbored. However, he’d always known he’d be digging two graves, his and Matthias’s, when he started this path to vengeance. Confucius had his shit right.

  “I know everything about you,” Jared told the picture.

  He did. It was all on public record. Divorcee. Widower. Matthias’s wife and cub died in a crash that triggered his alcoholism, which made Matthias careless in his job. Jared used to think Matthias deserved it all—the death of his family, and the guilt of running over Jared’s parents. Now, Jared felt all hollowed out.

  He poured the rest of the thick folder’s contents into his bed. Single sheets of yellow lined paper fluttered on his sheets. Some were crumbled, folded, the contents barely legible. Two handwritten scripts were there, Matthias’s and his own. Would Jane call Jared sick, for writing to a man in prison, a man responsible for their parents’ death?

  Jared spread each one. Ordered them to a neat row, from the first date he’d written to the last. The history of their fucked up relationship lay in the open for anyone to scrutinize—a victim and a murderer. A therapist would certainly love to sink his or her claws on this case.

  Jared ran his fingertips over the letters, like an obsessed stalker. The first few began angry, written in clumsy accusatory words only a child was capable of. To Jared’s shock, Matthias replied each one, explaining himself, begging for Jared’s forgiveness. Jared never caved. Fuck, he recalled the day he first got Matthias’s first letter in Sergio’s mailbox. How he cradled it close, and even screamed at Jane to leave him alone, and locked himself in his room.

  No matter how much rage Jared poured in the mail, Matthias never made excuses, to tell him to fuck off and leave him alone. Jared kept on writing, and Matthias replied to each letter. Further examination years later told Jared that maybe, Matthias was lonely, and he was the only one who gave a shit, even if Jared was a stupid kid who hated his guts.

  Growling under his breath, Jared picked up a single piece—Matthias’s latest, sent two weeks ago. Why the fuck was he pussy-footing now? In it, Matthias revealed his release date. Tomorrow. Also, the fact Matthias wanted to meet. He was coming back to Darkfall, to the place where everything started. To settle old debts, the werebear said, to find a place to die. Jared closed his fist over the letter, crumpling it to a ball.

  Something, a painful moan, clawed from his throat. Jared quickly smoothened the letter, unsure why tears gathered at the corner of his eyes. Christ.

  “I’m fucked up, and it’s all your fault, Matthias,” he muttered.

  Two graves, his and Matthias’s. Jared anticipated a second grave, for him, not because Matthias would fight back. Drag Jared back to hell, but because Jared knew he wouldn’t be able to live with himself after. A part of him recognized Matthias had done his time. That underneath it all was a decent man who made a mistake, who deserved a second chance, but Jared couldn’t easily forgive, much less forget.

  Jared shifted through his pile, and plucked a newsletter clipping. Unlike the others, it hadn’t yellowed at the edges. Taken a couple of months ago, Jared ignored the words, the content that suggested new evidence pointing to Matthias’s wrongful conviction. How Matthias’s sentence was quickly shortened, Jared didn’t know. Did he pull any strings? Make any favors?

  All that mattered was the fact Matthias was getting out soon. He focused on Matthias’s image instead, noted how the years in prison hadn’t made the convict a wisp of his former self.

  No, years behind bars made Matthias fitter, more hard, as if working out was his only hobby, his distraction from the crime. Looking at Matthias’s face, not handsome in the traditional sense but a little rough and unfinished, Jared’s cock stirred in his jogging pants. Jared knew the emotions he felt were inappropriate, a thousand shades fucked up, but he didn’t have control over his body. Knowing his path and staying true to it made it impossible to form lasting relationships. Besides, all of his lovers seemed to pale beside Matthias.

  Unlike them, Matthias was painfully real. An invisible connection, shackles, formed between him and Jared over the years, and there was only one way to sever that bond.

  “Looking forward to meeting you, fucker,” Jared told the convict in the picture. He fell asleep that way, with mementos of Matthias strewn over his bed.

  Chapter Two

  “You got a plan, Jensen?” asked Jon Schneider, one of the guards at the maximum-security facility. “You seem different.”

  Like some of them, Matthias had seen the rookie grow into a regular. An ideal prisoner, Matthias never caused trouble, unless someone provoked him first. His vicious reputation protected him, and most inmates, once recognizing he wanted to be left alone, stopped bothering him. Matthias had to start getting used to the idea of not waking up to his cell though, a cell he’d lived in for the last ten years. Facing the real word after being crammed into a cage for so long made his stomach churn.

  “I feel different,” Matthias admitted.

  Schneider pried further, handing his paltry belongings back to him, preserved from all those years ago. They were nothing of value. The only thing that mattered to Matthias had been the stack of letters he kept in his cell. Same bundle he tucked under his arm, refusing to let them go. He placed them in his battered knapsack now, and slung the pack over his shoulder. The clothes he came in were a little too small for him, now, but Matthias still had some cash. Not a lot, but enough to get him decent clothes and a one-way bus ticket to Darkfall.

  He refused to show fear, although it always hovered in the shadows. Taking a step forward, Matthias followed the guard past processing. Sunlight bore down on him. The sky above him sprawled, an endless blue. His bear howled inside him, eager to be finally free to run on all four paws, streaking past trees, the soft earth underneath them. The bear had always been fearless, but it didn’t understand his human apprehension.

  Like most long-term convicts, he knew what awaited him outside. Some of the men he knew didn’t relish the taste of freedom, because what awaited them in the outside world, kids who had turned into strangers, and wives and lovers who found someone else? The rest of the world had moved on, while they rotted behind bars.

  Lucky for Matthias, he had a person. Someone awaited him, looked forward to seeing his ugly face, even if it was always for the wrong reasons. Time passed incredibly slowly in prison, and Matthias had plenty of time to think, to chew on his sins. It was shameful, but most of the time thoughts of Jared Hudson preoccupied his mind.

  The guards at the final gate finally opened it to let him out. For a second, Matthias froze, unable to take those last halting steps.

  “Jensen, you need a cab, or something?”

  “Yeah. Please.” Matthias didn’t recognize the hoarse sound of his own voice. He spoke little to anyone during his incarceration. Whatever he needed to say, it had been directed on paper, to one particular person. Jared.

  The day of the accident still haunted his dreams. Back in the wheel of a behemoth, Matthias felt like a trapped animal, although in reality he had too many beers. Shifters didn’t get drunk easily. It took awhile, but Matthias had been in a bad mood. He’d been pissed about something trivial, so he didn’t see the little car appearing at the bend. Matthias turned the wheeler sharply, but it was too late. The car careened to the side, going off-road. Halting his truck to the side, Matthias flew out, heart racing. Entering the woods, Matthias froze when he caught sight of the smoking car, rammed against the tree, the boy yanking his sister out.

  Knowing the car was about to explode, Matthias had warned the boy. Christ, even now, he couldn’t for
get the bright hatred burning in his eyes. The coward Matthias was, he ran, shedding clothes and reaching for his bear at the same time. The change came easy. The explosion behind him, made him turn. His heart nearly gave out then, when he saw two bloody bodies, sprawled on the ground. Matthias saw his wife again and daughter, in another crash, like this one. Unable to stomach the scene again, Matthias ran, all the way to nearest police station. He turned himself in the very same day.

  Matthias thought he’d be better off, serving his life sentence. Jared’s letters changed things. When new evidence came up about the wheeler Matthias drove having problems, Matthias knew it would take a while for the appeal to pull through. The desperate need to meet the kid turned man in those letters made Matthias strike a deal with a shifter mob with ties to the prison. He would never be able to pay the debt for his freedom—a hefty sum and Matthias had zero in his bank account. It didn’t matter though, because Matthias didn’t have long to live.

  “Jensen, your cab’s here,” one the guards reminded him, making Matthias blink.

  “Thanks.” Resolved, Matthias opened the passenger seat, and directed the driver to the nearest Greyhound station.

  It felt odd, speaking to another human being. Hell, even after paying the driver and getting out, Matthias couldn’t wrap his head around the fact he was free. Free, but only for a little while. His bear raged at his decision. Coaxed Matthias to leave behind the human world, and live as a bear instead. Long ago, when someone told Matthias what happened to shifters who spent too much time in their animal form, he was horrified. Forgetting the human world and its troubles sounded like a fine solution to him right now.

  “I made a promise,” he muttered to himself, ignoring the strange looks a couple gave him.

  He didn’t blame them, because he might look like a mad man talking to himself. Matthias made his way to the ticketing booth and bought the ticket to Darkfall. While waiting, he got himself a fresh shirt and some decent bottoms at a nearby surplus store. The rest of his cash, he wasted on junk food to take on the bus. Christ, did his bear miss the taste of sugar and sweets.