The Mudfog Papers

by Charles Dickens

  “Dr Neeshawts and several of the members were of opinion that the key must have lain very cold and heavy upon the gentleman’s stomach.

  “Mr Knight Bell believed it did at first. It was worthy of remark, perhaps, that for some years the gentleman was troubled with a nightmare, under the influence of which he always imagined himself a wine-cellar door.

  “Professor Muff related a very extraordinary and convincing proof of the wonderful efficacy of the system of infinitesimal doses, which the section were doubtless aware was based upon the theory that the very minutest amount of any given drug, properly dispersed through the human frame, would be productive of precisely the same result as a very large dose administered in the usual manner. Thus, the fortieth part of a grain of calomel was supposed to be equal to a five-grain calomel pill, and so on in proportion throughout the whole range of medicine. He had tried the experiment in a curious manner upon a publican who had been brought into the hospital with a broken head, and was cured upon the infinitesimal system in the incredibly short space of three months. This man was a hard drinker. He (Professor Muff) had dispersed three drops of rum through a bucket of water, and requested the man to drink the whole. What was the result? Before he had drunk a quart, he was in a state of beastly intoxication, and five other men were made dead drunk with the remainder.

  “The President wished to know whether an infinitesimal dose of soda water would have recovered them? Professor Muff replied that the twenty-fifth part of a teaspoonful, properly administered to each patient, would have sobered him immediately. The President remarked that this was a most important discovery, and he hoped the Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen would patronize it immediately.

  “A member begged to be informed whether it would be possible to administer, say, the twentieth part of a grain of bread and cheese to all grown-up paupers, and the fortieth part to children, with the same satisfying effect as their present allowance.

  “Professor Muff was willing to stake his professional reputation on the perfect adequacy of such a quantity of food to the support of human life – in workhouses. The addition of the fifteenth part of a grain of pudding twice a week would render it a high diet.

  “Professor Nogo called the attention of the section to a very extraordinary case of animal magnetism. A private watchman, being merely looked at by the operator from the opposite side of a wide street, was at once observed to be in a very drowsy and languid state. He was followed to his box and, being once slightly rubbed on the palms of the hands, fell into a sound sleep, in which he continued without intermission for ten hours.

  “Section C – Statistics.

  Hayloft, Original Pig.

  President – Mr Woodensconce. Vice Presidents – Mr Ledbrain and Mr Timbered.

  “Mr Slug stated to the section the result of some calculations he had made with great difficulty and labour, regarding the state of infant education among the middle classes of London. He found that, within a circle of three miles from the Elephant and Castle, the following were the names and numbers of children’s books principally in circulation:

  “Jack the Giant-Killer7,943

  Ditto and Beanstalk8,621

  Ditto and Eleven Brothers2,845

  Ditto and Jill1,998

  Total21,407

  “He found that the proportion of Robinson Crusoes to Philip Quarlls was as four and a half to one; and that the preponderance of Valentine and Orsons over Goody Two-Shoeses was as three and an eighth of the former to half a one of the latter; a comparison of Seven Champions with Simple Simons gave the same result.* The ignorance that prevailed was lamentable. One child, on being asked whether he would rather be St George of England or a respectable tallow-chandler, instantly replied, ‘Taint George of Ingling.’ Another, a little boy of eight years old, was found to be firmly impressed with a belief in the existence of dragons, and openly stated that it was his intention when he grew up to rush forth sword in hand for the deliverance of captive princesses, and the promiscuous slaughter of giants. Not one child among the number interrogated had ever heard of Mungo Park* – some enquiring whether he was at all connected with the black man that swept the crossing, and others whether he was in any way related to the Regent’s Park. They had not the slightest conception of the commonest principles of mathematics, and considered Sinbad the Sailor the most enterprising voyager that the world had ever produced.

  “A member, strongly deprecating the use of all the other books mentioned, suggested that Jack and Jill might perhaps be exempted from the general censure, inasmuch as the hero and heroine, in the very outset of the tale, were depicted as going up a hill to fetch a pail of water, which was a laborious and useful occupation – supposing the family linen was being washed, for instance.

  “Mr Slug feared that the moral effect of this passage was more than counterbalanced by another in a subsequent part of the poem, in which very gross allusion was made to the mode in which the heroine was personally chastised by her mother

  “For laughing at Jack’s disaster.

  Besides, the whole work had this one great fault: it was not true.

  “The President complimented the honourable member on the excellent distinction he had drawn. Several other members, too, dwelt upon the immense and urgent necessity of storing the minds of children with nothing but facts and figures; which process the President very forcibly remarked had made them (the section) the men they were.

  “Mr Slug then stated some curious calculations respecting the dogs’-meat barrows of London. He found that the total number of small carts and barrows engaged in dispensing provision to the cats and dogs of the metropolis was one thousand, seven hundred and forty-three. The average number of skewers delivered daily with the provender, by each dogs’-meat cart or barrow, was thirty-six. Now, multiplying the number of skewers so delivered by the number of barrows, a total of sixty-two thousand, seven hundred and forty-eight skewers daily would be obtained. Allowing that, of these sixty-two thousand, seven hundred and forty-eight skewers, the odd two thousand, seven hundred and forty-eight were accidentally devoured with the meat by the most voracious of the animals supplied, it followed that sixty thousand skewers per day, or the enormous number of twenty-one millions, nine hundred thousand skewers annually, were wasted in the kennels and dust holes of London; which, if collected and warehoused, would in ten years’ time afford a mass of timber more than sufficient for the construction of a first-rate vessel of war for the use of Her Majesty’s navy, to be called The Royal Skewer, and to become under that name the terror of all the enemies of this island.

  “Mr X. Ledbrain read a very ingenious communication, from which it appeared that the total number of legs belonging to the manufacturing population of one great town in Yorkshire was, in round numbers, forty thousand, while the total number of chair and stool legs in their houses was only thirty thousand, which, upon the very favourable average of three legs to a seat, yielded only ten thousand seats in all. From this calculation it would appear – not taking wooden or cork legs into the account, but allowing two legs to every person – that ten thousand individuals (one half of the whole population) were either destitute of any rest for their legs at all, or passed the whole of their leisure time in sitting upon boxes.

  “Section D – Mechanical Science.

  Coach house, Original Pig.

  President – Mr Carter. Vice Presidents –

  Mr Truck and Mr Waghorn.

  “Professor Queerspeck exhibited an elegant model of a portable railway, neatly mounted in a green case, for the waistcoat pocket. By attaching this beautiful instrument to his boots, any Bank* or public-office clerk could transport himself from his place of residence to his place of business, at the easy rate of sixty-five miles an hour, which, to gentlemen of sedentary pursuits, would be an incalculable advantage.

  “The President was desirous of knowing whether it was necessary to have a level surface on wh
ich the gentleman was to run.

  “Professor Queerspeck explained that City gentlemen would run in trains, being handcuffed together to prevent confusion or unpleasantness. For instance, trains would start every morning at eight, nine and ten o’clock, from Camden Town, Islington, Camberwell, Hackney and various other places in which city gentlemen are accustomed to reside. It would be necessary to have a level, but he had provided for this difficulty by proposing that the best line that the circumstances would admit of should be taken through the sewers which undermine the streets of the metropolis, and which, well lit by jets from the gas pipes which run immediately above them, would form a pleasant and commodious arcade, especially in wintertime, when the inconvenient custom of carrying umbrellas, now so general, could be wholly dispensed with. In reply to another question, Professor Queerspeck stated that no substitute for the purposes to which these arcades were at present devoted had yet occurred to him, but that he hoped no fanciful objection on this head would be allowed to interfere with so great an undertaking.

  “Mr Jobba produced a forcing machine on a novel plan, for bringing joint-stock railway shares prematurely to a premium. The instrument was in the form of an elegant gilt weather glass, of most dazzling appearance, and was worked behind, by strings, after the manner of a pantomime trick, the strings being always pulled by the directors of the company to which the machine belonged. The quicksilver was so ingeniously placed that, when the acting directors held shares in their pockets, figures denoting very small expenses and very large returns appeared upon the glass; but the moment the directors parted with these pieces of paper, the estimate of needful expenditure suddenly increased itself to an immense extent, while the statements of certain profits became reduced in the same proportion. Mr Jobba stated that the machine had been in constant requisition for some months past, and he had never once known it to fail.

  “A member expressed his opinion that it was extremely neat and pretty. He wished to know whether it was not liable to accidental derangement? Mr Jobba said that the whole machine was undoubtedly liable to be blown up, but that was the only objection to it.

  “Professor Nogo arrived from the anatomical section to exhibit a model of a safety fire escape, which could be fixed at any time, in less than half an hour, and by means of which, the youngest or most infirm persons (successfully resisting the progress of the flames until it was quite ready) could be preserved if they merely balanced themselves for a few minutes on the sill of their bedroom window, and got into the escape without falling into the street. The Professor stated that the number of boys who had been rescued in the daytime by this machine from houses which were not on fire was almost incredible. Not a conflagration had occurred in the whole of London for many months past to which the escape had not been carried on the very next day, and put in action before a concourse of persons.

  “The President enquired whether there was not some difficulty in ascertaining which was the top of the machine and which the bottom, in cases of pressing emergency.

  “Professor Nogo explained that of course it could not be expected to act quite as well when there was a fire as when there was not a fire; but in the former case he thought it would be of equal service whether the top were up or down.”

  With the last section our correspondent concludes his most able and faithful report, which will never cease to reflect credit upon him for his scientific attainments, and upon us for our enterprising spirit. It is needless to take a review of the subjects which have been discussed; of the mode in which they have been examined; of the great truths which they have elicited. They are now before the world, and we leave them to read, to consider and to profit.

  The place of meeting for next year has undergone discussion and has at length been decided, regard being had to, and evidence being taken upon the goodness of its wines, the supply of its markets, the hospitality of its inhabitants and the quality of its hotels. We hope at this next meeting our correspondent may again be present, and that we may be once more the means of placing his communications before the world. Until that period we have been prevailed upon to allow this number of our miscellany to be retailed to the public, or wholesaled to the trade, without any advance upon our usual price.

  We have only to add that the committees are now broken up, and that Mudfog is once again restored to its accustomed tranquillity, that professors and members have had balls, and soirées, and suppers, and great mutual complimentations, and have at length dispersed to their several homes, whither all good wishes and joys attend them, until next year! Signed Boz.*

  Full Report of the Second Meeting

  of the Mudfog Association for the

  Advancement of Everything

  In October last, we did ourselves the immortal credit of recording, at an enormous expense, and by dint of exertions unparalleled in the history of periodical publication, the proceedings of the Mudfog Association for the Advancement of Everything, which in that month held its first great half-yearly meeting, to the wonder and delight of the whole Empire. We announced at the conclusion of that extraordinary and most remarkable report that when the second meeting of the society should take place, we should be found again at our post, renewing our gigantic and spirited endeavours, and once more making the world ring with the accuracy, authenticity, immeasurable superiority and intense remarkability of our account of its proceedings. In redemption of this pledge, we caused to be dispatched per steam to Oldcastle* (at which place this second meeting of the society was held on the 20th instant), the same superhumanly endowed gentleman who furnished the former report, and who – gifted by nature with transcendent abilities, and furnished by us with a body of assistants scarcely inferior to himself – has forwarded a series of letters, which, for faithfulness of description, power of language, fervour of thought, happiness of expression and importance of subject matter, have no equal in the epistolary literature of any age or country. We give this gentleman’s correspondence entire, and in the order in which it reached our office.

  “Saloon of steamer, Thursday night, half-past eight.

  “When I left New Burlington Street* this evening in the hackney cabriolet, number four thousand, two hundred and eighty-five, I experienced sensations as novel as they were oppressive. A sense of the importance of the task I had undertaken, a consciousness that I was leaving London and, stranger still, going somewhere else, a feeling of loneliness and a sensation of jolting, quite bewildered my thoughts, and for a time rendered me even insensible to the presence of my carpet bag and hatbox. I shall ever feel grateful to the driver of a Blackwall omnibus who, by thrusting the pole of his vehicle through the small door of the cabriolet, awakened me from a tumult of imaginings that are wholly indescribable. But of such materials is our imperfect nature composed!

  “I am happy to say that I am the first passenger on board, and shall thus be enabled to give you an account of all that happens in the order of its occurrence. The chimney is smoking a good deal, and so are the crew; and the captain, I am informed, is very drunk in a little house upon deck, something like a black turnpike. I should infer from all I hear that he has got the steam up.

  “You will readily guess with what feelings I have just made the discovery that my berth is in the same closet with those engaged by Professor Woodensconce, Mr Slug and Professor Grime. Professor Woodensconce has taken the shelf above me, and Mr Slug and Professor Grime the two shelves opposite. Their luggage has already arrived. On Mr Slug’s bed is a long tin tube of about three inches in diameter, carefully closed at both ends. What can this contain? Some powerful instrument of a new construction, doubtless.”

  “Ten minutes past nine.

  “Nobody has yet arrived, nor has anything fresh come in my way except several joints of beef and mutton, from which I conclude that a good plain dinner has been provided for tomorrow. There is a singular smell below, which gave me some uneasiness at first; but as the steward says it is always there and never goes
away, I am quite comfortable again. I learn from this man that the different sections will be distributed at the Black Boy and Stomach Ache, and the Bootjack and Countenance. If this intelligence be true (and I have no reason to doubt it), your readers will draw such conclusions as their different opinions may suggest.

  “I write down these remarks as they occur to me, or as the facts come to my knowledge, in order that my first impressions may lose nothing of their original vividness. I shall dispatch them in small packets as opportunities arise.”

  “Half-past nine.

  “Some dark object has just appeared upon the wharf. I think it is a travelling carriage.”

  “A quarter to ten.

  “No, it isn’t.”

  “Half-past ten.

  “The passengers are pouring in every instant. Four omnibuses full have just arrived upon the wharf, and all is bustle and activity. The noise and confusion are very great. Cloths are laid in the cabins, and the steward is placing blue plates full of knobs of cheese at equal distances down the centre of the tables. He drops a great many knobs; but, being used to it, picks them up again with great dexterity and, after wiping them on his sleeve, throws them back into the plates. He is a young man of exceedingly prepossessing appearance – either dirty or a mulatto, but I think the former.

  “An interesting old gentleman, who came to the wharf in an omnibus, has just quarrelled violently with the porters, and is staggering towards the vessel with a large trunk in his arms. I trust and hope that he may reach it in safety; but the board he has to cross is narrow and slippery. Was that a splash? Gracious powers!

  “I have just returned from the deck. The trunk is standing upon the extreme brink of the wharf, but the old gentleman is nowhere to be seen. The watchman is not sure whether he went down or not, but promises to drag for him the first thing tomorrow morning. May his humane efforts prove successful!