by Hannah Meade
Emily narrows her eyes at me. "Why do you regret it?! He's your boyfriend! This should be a step in the right direction."
I wish it is that easy. "I literally kissed another guy a couple of nights before, Em. I wasn't ready to have sex with my boyfriend anyway. I feel like I just took a step backwards."
Emily groans. "You are such a prude. Everyone has sex while they are in college, some sooner than others. It's about time you got some action. Stop crying about it and go fuck your boyfriend again before he leaves!"
Ah, there it is. The thing I have neglected to think about all morning. Until now. Marcus is leaving for six months, and I'm not sure if I want to wait that long. Even if his internship ends in six months, that doesn't mean he won't be offered a job too. And he would be an idiot to turn that down. What am I supposed to do then? Move to fucking New York? I don't think so.
"Don't remind me." I stare at my coffee, willing it to give me all the answers to my problems.
Emily stares at me, trying to read my expression. "What are you thinking, Mimes?"
I sigh. "I don't know, Emily. Am I just supposed to wait for him for six whole months? What if his internship goes so well that they offer him a job? I'm not going to move to New York, Emily."
"You don't even know if he's going to be offered a job! It is six months, Mia. It's not that long to wait. If you really care for him, you would wait. If you don't, then you might as well break up with him before he even leaves."
I nod, looking anywhere but at Emily.
"Do you care for him, Mia?"
I sip my hot chocolate, avoiding her question. She keeps staring at me, challenging me to ignore her some more. I look her in the eyes, but still don't answer her question. I do care for him, I really do. I just don't know why I don't tell Emily that.
She gets out her phone from her purse and unlocks it, not looking at me anymore. "I guess that's that then."
~~~
I pace back and forth in my apartment, impatiently waiting for Marcus to arrive. He texted me fifteen minutes ago that he is going to come over and say goodbye.
I have no idea what I am even going to say to him. What do you say to your boyfriend that is moving halfway across the country for six whole months?
Emily was no help this morning. After we finished our conversation about Marcus, all she wanted to talk about was a new hot professor she had in one of her classes this week. Apparently, he was only like 26, so Emily was all over him. She has been trying to flirt with him all week, but she is scared that she would get caught. Students aren't supposed to have relationships with teachers, and Emily sure as hell doesn't want him to lose his job because of her.
So, overall, my lunch date with Emily didn't amount to anything productive. I had hoped she would give me some advice on how to deal with my Marcus situation. I was so sure that she would help me out on this. Relationships are her expertise.
A knock sounds at my door, knocking me out of my thoughts.
I take a deep breath, knowing exactly who it is. I am in a daze the whole way to the door, not knowing what he will say. Not knowing what I will say. Not knowing what is going to happen when I open my door.
I put my hand on the knob and turn it, choosing not to delay the inevitable anymore. Marcus looks up from the ground and smiles. "Hey, babe."
I nod and step aside, letting him walk into my apartment.
His smile disappears when he realizes I'm not going to say hey back, and he walks inside.
I shut the door behind him and watch him walk around my apartment, looking like he has never seen my apartment before. I see his eyes travel up and down my walls, like he is trying to memorize everything in here. Like he isn't coming back.
"Marcus."
He stops and turns toward me. "I don't know when I'll be back, Mia."
I furrow my eyebrows. "I thought your internship only lasted six months?" That's what he had told me. That's what he told everyone. Or at least that's what I thought.
He nods. "It does. But in six months, it will be summer vacation. I won't need to come back for college. We'll be on summer break. Plus, my uncle that I'm staying with, wants to take a vacation in the summer while I'm there."
I gulp, looking down at my feet. "So, what are you saying?"
He closes his eyes, pausing for a long moment. It is like he knows how I am going to react to what he is going to say next, and he doesn't want to see my reaction.
"Marcus."
He opens his eyes, looking straight at me. "I'm saying it might be closer to a year before I come back."
A whole year? I was just trying to learn how to deal with him being gone for six months, but a year? A lot can happen in a year.
"A year is a long time."
He nods. "I know. I didn't really think about this stuff when I first accepted the internship. I just knew this would really help me with my future." He steps closer to me, grabbing my hands. "This could kick start my career."
How can I keep him from his dream? It's not like I can go with him. I can't uproot my whole life for a year. "So, how are we supposed to work then? Three thousand miles is a very long distance to keep a relationship going."
He nods again. Did he know all of this before he came to see me? "I know. You could always come with me?"
I give him a look. "You know I can't do that, Marcus."
He frowns. "Why not?"
This time, I frown. He genuinely looks confused as to why I can't come with him. To New York. I let go of his hands, taking a step back. "Are you serious right now? You're asking me to uproot my whole fucking life for a whole year! I'm graduating next year. I can't miss the second half of my senior year of college. You had this all planned out, not me. How could you even ask me that?"
He scoffs. "Oh, come on Mia. You would be fine with school. That's just an excuse. You just really don't want go to New York with me for a whole year. Am I right?" I don't say anything, giving him exactly the answer he wants. "I wonder why that is. Let's see, could it be because you feel guilty?"
I pale. Does he know I kissed Ryan? No. That's ridiculous. How can he possibly know?
"Guilty that you kissed another guy? That wasn't your boyfriend?"
Shit. How did he find out about that?
"Yeah. I know all about your little seven minutes in heaven game the other night."
I don't know what to say, so I just stay silent. I mean, what am I supposed to say? Yeah I kissed another guy, but I wasn't going to tell you that. I don't think so.
"Why didn't you tell me?" He takes a step closer, while I take a step back.
"Let's not talk about this, Marcus."
He laughs softly and shakes his head. "Because you can't? Because you can't honestly tell me why you kissed Ryan? Because you can't tell me you actually care for me? That you care for me enough to give me an explanation?"
Yes. "No."
"Do you love me?"
I wish he didn't ask me that question. Not now. Not when I am so confused. Not when I don't even know if I like my boyfriend anymore. I mean, I am lying to him and kissing guys behind his back. Does that sound like a faithful girlfriend to you? Because it doesn't to me.
Marcus doesn't deserve someone like me. And that's why I do what I do next.
"No."
It is like I suck all of the air out of the room. Marcus doesn't answer; he barely breathes. He just looks at me with blank eyes. I try to hold back tears that are forming. I can't cry. Not now. I can't breathe. I can't give him a proper explanation. All I can say is no.
After what feels like an eternity, Marcus nods. "Okay. Well, I guess that's that." He walks past me, opening up my door. I turn around, staring at him as he literally walks out of my life. I suck in a deep breath, trying so damn hard to keep the waterworks at bay.
He stops when he has my door wide open, and looks back at me. "See you around, Mia."
I gulp and nod. "See you, Marcus." I know he can hear the shaking in my voice.
He nods and shuts the door, leaving for
good.
I don't know when I will see him again, if ever. I will graduate college before he even comes back. I will probably move somewhere else, away from this place I now call home. My dream is to go to Paris.
I have been saving money since I was a freshman in high school, and I think I figured out that I would have enough money by the time I graduated college, to fly to Paris.
The real question is if I am even going to make it there or not. Will I find someone new while Marcus is gone? Will that someone new, come to Paris with me? I have no idea.
But I guess I now have the opportunity to find out.
Twenty-Seven
The next couple months fly by in a blur.
My days are filled with Emily trying to cheer me up. She has tried taking me to the movies, and taking me out to eat at Olive Garden, my favorite restaurant.
She has even tried cheering me up by decorating my Christmas tree with me and playing Christmas songs, which usually gets me happy right away. I absolutely live for Christmas, and I don't even enjoy it this year.
I spend most of my nights studying for finals, which, thank god, are over. I have passed all of them, which is a miracle. During every one of my tests, I'm sure I daydreamed about Marcus coming home more than a normal amount.
Second semester has started, and I am on the fast track to graduation. I am writing numerous papers, doing endless amounts of homework, and constantly pleading with the teachers to help me through this last half of the year.
I really try to do things that occupy my time, to keep my mind off Marcus, and things are finally starting to work. I haven't thought about him in over a week, which I am thankful for. Right now, the only thing on my mind is finishing this stupid ass paper about the importance of sleep. The ironic part about this, is it is currently three a.m. My paper is due in six hours, and I am almost finished.
I'm surprised Emily hasn't come by yet. Usually, she comes by when she knows I'm working on homework and brings me food; usually donuts or McDonalds. None of that is very good for me, but it is hella delicious. Plus, it keeps me awake when I am up in the wee hours of the morning, trying to finish my damn homework.
I am just finishing the last part of my conclusion, when a knock sounds at my door. I groan, cursing whoever is at the door. I am almost done, people! Just fucking leave me alone for five more minutes!
I save what I have of my paper and get up to open the door. And surprise, surprise, it is Emily.
She grins as she holds up a box of Krispy Kreme donuts. My mouth instantly starts to salivate just at the sight of them.
I hold my hands out, ready to take one out of the box already, when she yanks them back out of my reach.
"You will get these donuts when you finish your paper you have to write." She slips past me, going to make herself all too comfy on my couch.
I glare at her as she walks past. How fucking dare she tease me like that. Especially when it's three in the fucking morning, and I want to kill everything and everyone. "Fuck you, Emily."
She smiles and takes a donut out of the box, immediately stuffing it in her mouth. She, just like myself, loves Krispy Kreme donuts. I was so happy to find out there is a store right by campus. These donuts are what kept me alive during college, let me tell you that.
I take in her attire, rolling my eyes at how alike we are. She has on the exact same thing I do. Fleece pajama pants, which are just half a size too big. An oversized sweatshirt. And slip-on, big animal slippers. She has her elf ones, and I have my reindeer ones.
It may be February already, but in my town, it is still snowing. I am prepared to wear Christmas pajamas until the very day it stops snowing, which won't be for a while still.
"Get cracking, Hatheway. These donuts are going to be all gone before you even finish!"
I smack her on the head as I walk by her, making her cry out in pain. I smile in satisfaction as I settle back into my small working space in my living room. Last month, I needed to change something in my life. I got so bored of doing the same old thing, that I needed to do something productive. So, I redecorated my whole apartment.
I had some extra space after I had moved everything, so I made myself a small working space that I could do homework at. I bought a fuzzy white chair and a little wood desk to set my laptop on. Ever since I had set my work space up, however, I had fallen asleep three too many times in my chair. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Why not be comfy while I'm doing boring homework? That plan backfired on me completely.
I settle into my chair and get to work finishing my conclusion. I read through my last paragraph, trying to remember what my thought was. I think hard about how to end my paper beautifully, and a lightbulb turn on in my brain. I quickly type my thought out before I forget, and then go back through my paper to make grammatical corrections.
As I type the last word of my paper, I sigh in relief. "It's done," I whisper.
Emily turns to look at me weirdly. "Huh?"
I save my paper, and jump out of my chair. "It's done, Emily! Now give me those donuts!" I run, literally, to her spot on the couch. Thankfully, she has only eaten two out of the six donuts. I instantly shove one in my mouth, moaning loudly at the taste. "Fuck. This is good."
Emily laughs at me, still finishing up her current donut. "Damn, Mia. You act like you haven't eaten in days."
I shrug. "I haven't eaten in like six hours. That's a long ass time for me. Ever since ten o'clock, all I've been focused on is finishing up this fucking paper. I'm just glad it's done."
Emily leans back on the couch, pulling her foot stool out.
I watch as she pulls one of my fleece blankets over her, and turns my TV on. "Just make yourself comfy there, Em."
She looks over at me and smiles. "Well, there's no way in hell I'm going back to my house tonight. Blake texted me saying he was coming over for an early morning session. I felt more like getting donuts than getting it on with him."
Wow. I am shocked. Usually, Emily is all for getting down and dirty with her newest boy-toy. "Did you at least text him and say you weren't going to be home?"
Emily doesn't answer.
"Seriously, Em? He's going to go over there and see that you're not even home. He's going to be so flipping confused. At least text him."
She waves her hand at me. "I'll do it later. Calm yourself, mom."
I smile, loving the sound of being called a mom. Having little mini-mes running around my future house seems like a dream. I am so excited to get my dream house, find my perfect husband, and eventually have little children with him. I am done with all of the drama of boyfriends and school. I am ready for the rest of my life; something I've been preparing for, for a long time now.
After I had my first baby, I was terrified. I had no idea what being a mom entailed and I knew I wasn't ready then. Now, it's all I can think about.
"You're dreaming about you being a mom, aren't you?" Emily says, without looking at me.
"I am a mom, Emily. Im dreaming about my future as a whole."
Emily gags. "Why are you always wanting to grow up? I would give anything to be young forever. I wish for a life where I can party every day, have sex every night, and not give a damn about taxes or credit card debt."
I grimace. "I don't understand why you never want to think about your future. It's going to happen, whether you like it or not. Avoiding your future isn't going to make it come any slower."
Emily shrugs. "Whatever. Can we not talk about serious stuff right now? Let's talk about guys."
I groan. She knows how I feel about guys right now. Especially when the first guy I think about is halfway across the country right now.
"Fuck. Sorry. Sore subject. Let's talk about..."
I am quick to finish her sentence for her. "Sleep. Let's talk about sleep. Can I get some before class maybe?"
Emily glares at me. "Sleep is for the weak."
I roll my eyes and grab another donut, getting up off the couch. "Well, maybe I want to be a little wea
k today. I just finished a fucking ten page paper, Em. Give me a break." I walk off to my bedroom, where my bed is calling my name.
"There are no breaks for the strong, Mia!" Emily shouts after me, even though I am still in normal hearing distance.
I walk into my room, knees going weak at the sight of my full-size bed, with my blue snowflake flannel sheets and my millions of blankets piled on top. I get cold easily, so I always have multiple blankets on me during the winter months.
My feet mindlessly carry me to the edge of my bed, where I simply belly-flop right on. I crawl under my blankets and snuggle up under them. Soon enough, I am falling into a dream-like state, with no direction of where my mind will go this morning.
~~~
I am sitting in the local café, sipping my peppermint hot chocolate I have just ordered. I smile, loving the taste of it in my mouth; loving the way it warms up my whole body with just a sip.
"Enjoying that six dollar cup of melted chocolate?"
I grin as Ryan comes into my view. "Yes, I am. Thank you, babe."
He rolls his eyes. "You better thank me. That's a load of bullshit in a cup. You should be glad I like you."
I smile, lifting my cup up to take another sip. "I am glad. So how's work going? I heard you've been working a lot of late nights recently."
He nods, rubbing his right hand over his eyes. "Yeah. People have been taking lots of vacation days, recently. Mostly because it's summer time. I've been volunteering to work, since my girlfriend doesn't have time for me anymore."
Not this again. "Hey! That is so not true! I have to find a job, especially since I'm behind on rent. You know how hard it's been to find a job since I lost mine a month ago. I've tried to make as much time for you as I can, in-between my job shadows."
He nods, looking down at his glass of water. "I know. It's just hard. I feel like we never see each other, especially since college ended."
I reach across the table and grab his hand. He looks up at me. "It's going to work out. I'll get a job, and then maybe we can see each other more. You can stop volunteering for extra work, and I can get into a routine that fits our schedules. Just trust me." I smile, hoping that reassures him for a while.
