by Hannah Meade
I look down at him, closing my eyes. I wait for our lips to meet, for the tingle to come. And then it comes. He crashes his lips to mine, holding my head with his hands.
We've kissed before, numerous times. But this one is different. This is the first kiss we've shared that is entirely appropriate. I don't have a boyfriend this time, for one thing.
I smile against his lips, loving the peppermint taste his lips leave behind on mine.
He pulls away all too quickly, touching his forehead to mine. "I should take you home."
Disappointment drives through me like a bulldozer, but he is probably right. I have classes tomorrow, and it is almost eleven. I nod and lift myself off his lap, hopping down off the rock.
Ryan jumps down right after me, landing with a soft thud behind me. I clasp my hand in his and we start our trek back to his car. Right now, I am practically gasping for warmth. Once Ryan's lips leave mine, the cold seeps back into my body.
We walk in a comfortable silence, the kind that doesn't need noise to fill it. I like it. I really do. This has been an amazing date, and I am utterly devastated that it's ending so soon. I contemplate whether I should ask him to stay with me tonight, but I'm not sure if that is too forward. Would he even want to stay the night with you? My insecurities rise to the surface, threatening to spill out of my mouth. I hate that I feel this way all the time; like I'm not good enough. Like nobody wants me. What proof do I have that Ryan is going to make me feel any different?
~~~
I inwardly groan as Ryan drives up my street, my apartment complex just a block away. We have made small talk on the way here, trying to cover up the fact that this wonderful night is ending soon. Although, I probably won't be sleeping much tonight.
Ryan pulls up in front of my complex and parks, shutting his car off. "I'll walk you to the door."
I unbuckle my seatbelt and step out of his car, the cold wind immediately enveloping me. The heat I gain from inside Ryan's car is completely gone, and I am left begging for more.
I grab Ryan's hand and follow him to the door, wishing the drive had been longer.
We reach the door and I just stare at it. The one thing that is going to separate Ryan and I tonight. That, and the distance between my apartment and his.
I open the door and wedge my way inside, heading for the elevator. I don't meet Ryan's eyes on the way up to my apartment, keeping them instead trained on the ground.
I jump as the elevator dings, signaling we are on my floor. The metal doors slide open and I walk down the hall. I can see my door up ahead, hating the way it mocks me. Ha-ha. You have to leave your super-hot date to come inside me. I scowl at it in my head, then feeling like a complete buffoon. What pyscho talks to her apartment door in her head?
All too soon, the number 25 is looming in front of me, showing we are at my apartment. I look over at Ryan, smiling sadly. "So, I guess this is goodnight?"
He frowns. "Well, now I'm embarrassed."
I laugh nervously. "Why are you embarrassed?"
He shoves his hands in his pockets and looks down at me from under his eyebrows. "I just thought you might invite me in for some mac n cheese, considering the kiss we just had."
I try to fight back the blush that is trying to consume me, but it is no use. "I would love to share a bowl of that cheesy goodness with you, but I probably should just go to bed. I have an early class tomorrow."
He nods, looking down at his feet. "Yeah. You're right. I shouldn't have said that."
I shake my head, resting my hand on his arm. "No. It's fine. If I could sleep in tomorrow, I definitely would ask you to stay tonight."
Ryan lets his hand cover mine and smiles. "Well, I guess this is goodnight." He leans in and lets his lips connect with mine, causing me to close my eyes and sink into the kiss.
I smile when he pulls back. "Goodnight, Ryan."
He nods and begins to back away. "Goodnight, Mia."
I watch him walk down to the elevator, where he stops and looks back at me. I blush as he catches me staring at him, but I don't look away.
He lifts a hand up in a wave and walks in the elevator, leaving my line of sight.
I unlock my apartment door, still smiling to myself, and walk in. My back slumps against the door once I shut it, leaving me to think about my magical night with Ryan.
Those memories I will never forget.
Twenty-Nine
"Who can tell me when the first Presidential pardon was established?" My professor, Mr. Loke, has been asking these damn questions the whole two hours of this class. Only a couple people have even answered them.
I roll my eyes as Sarah, the "teacher's pet", raises her hand once again. She is so annoying. "1948, Mr. Loke."
He grins, probably glad that somebody is even listening to him. God knows I'm not. While he drones on about pardons and whatnot, I dream about my spring break. It is April fifth, so that means it is over. My month of freedom is over, and I have dreaded going back this morning. Seriously. I slept through my alarm. Three times. I had about five minutes to get ready and get the hell out of my apartment. So here I am, clad in my black sweats and an old t-shirt I threw on. Did I mention I didn't even brush my hair?
I glance at my lap as I see my phone light up with a text message. I sneak a glance at Mr. Loke, who has his eyes fixed on the board in front of him. Satisfied that I won't get caught, I look back at my phone.
IHOP at noon? –Ryan
That's the other thing I have been thinking about throughout the entire class. Ryan. Our date. That kiss. I want more, I crave it. When Ryan took me home last night, I couldn't sleep worth a shit, dreaming about our second date.
My fingers fly lightly across my keyboard, trying not to make too much of a noise.
Definitely. J -Mia
I hit the sent button and smile to myself. Things are turning out great. Marcus hasn't turned up in my mind for at least a couple of months now, and I am going on a second date with Ryan. I am happy; something I haven't been in a while.
~~~
I pull up to the IHOP and smile when I see Ryan through the windows. He is sitting in a booth, keeping his attention between his phone and the window. I probably could've texted him that I am here, but I want to surprise him.
I walk in, breathing in the heavenly smell of pancakes.
"Welcome to IHOP, the international house of pancakes. Just one today?" I smile at the grinning waitresses who's patiently awaiting my answer.
I gesture to where Ryan currently sits. "I'm meeting him here, but thank you."
She smiles wider. "No problem! Enjoy!" I nod and walk off, heading towards Ryan.
He hasn't seen me yet, so I quietly walk up behind him and wrap my arms around his neck. I feel him stiffen, causing me to laugh. "Little jumpy, are we?"
He relaxes once he hears my voice, figuring out who it is who's jumping him. He grabs my hand and walks me around him, so I am facing him. He smiles. "Hey. I didn't expect you to come jumping at me from behind like an animal."
I nod and sit down. "Wow. We've gone on one date, Ryan. You should know more about me by now."
He shakes his head and looks down at the menu. I think I see the tiniest blush creep onto his cheeks, but I ignore it. "Do you know what you are going to have?"
Right on cue, my stomach grumbles. Loud. A few people from neighboring tables glance over at me, an amused smile on their faces.
I laugh, trying to hide my embarrassment. "I think I'm just going to have a little bit of everything. I'm clearly hungry."
"Well, I strongly recommend the smiley faced pancakes. They are the best."
I search the menu for smiley faced pancakes, and almost burst out laughing as I see they are on the kids menu. I look up and catch Ryan smiling at me. "You eat off the kids menu, do you?"
He nods. "Of course. The kids menu has the best food."
The waitress comes by then, greeting us with her cheery smile. "Hello. Do you guys need something other than water to drink?"
She nods and pulls out her notepad. I look to Ryan, who gestures for me to order first. I look down at my menu, making sure I recite exactly what I want. "I'll have the strawberry cream cheese pancakes, with two sausage links." I close my menu, listening to Ryan order himself.
I take the time when he isn't looking, to admire him. His eyes sparkle as he reads over the menu. I grin as he orders the smiley faced pancakes and a side of bacon. I hear a slight chuckle from our waitress, although she doesn't even question it. I like how Ryan isn't even ashamed, he just embraces his kid side. I wish for someone like him; someone I can be five years old with.
Ryan finishes and our waitress walks off, leaving us alone once again.
We make small talk, just asking each other basic questions. It is nice, just talking about absolutely nothing for a while. We play twenty-one questions, and I don't even mind.
Then we stop talking about nothing.
"How's your family? You don't seem to mention them."
A sick feeling starts in the pit of my stomach. My family is a sore subject, and I hate when people bring it up. Though I can't blame Ryan; he doesn't know.
"My family situation is kind of a mess. I don't think you want to hear my life story."
He covers his hand with mine as a comforting gesture. "Hey, I won't judge. Everyone has their own story."
I sigh, wondering if I should actually tell him everything. Where do I even start? Hey, I got pregnant my senior year in high school and I had to give her up for adoption because my parents wouldn't support me?
"Well, for starters, I didn't speak to my parents for four years."
His eyes widen slightly, but he doesn't anything.
I look down, cursing myself for still feeling sad about it. It's been four years, and I still can't move on. "I got pregnant...my senior year in high school." I look at Ryan, who gives me a reassuring smile. "And my parents refused to help me. They blamed me for being so reckless and getting pregnant in the first place. They told me that they could never support someone who, and I quote, "ruins her life" so recklessly." Honestly, at the time, I felt disgusted at how they shitty they made me feel. They are my parents and they refused to support their own daughter. It wasn't like I fucking planned on being pregnant. It just happened.
"Were you guys careful?"
I scoff. "Of course we were careful. We used protection. But things just happen sometimes, and you can't do a damn thing about it. The least they could've done is told me they were there for me. Even if they hadn't given me money or anything, I would've been somewhat reassured by their emotional support."
Ryan nods, taking all of it in. I'm not done yet, though.
"So, I left my house. I packed a bag one night and left, living at a nearby hotel for a while. One day at school, this girl saw me crying in a corner in the library. I couldn't help it; I told her everything. Of course, I was a pregnant emotional high school student, so that didn't take much guts. She was so nice. She took me in, even taking care of me throughout the pregnancy. I couldn't have gotten through those whole nine months without her." I take a deep breath. This next part is always hard to say. "I decided to put her up for adoption once she was born."
I feel a pulse through my hand as Ryan gives me a reassuring squeeze. I look up, locking eyes with him. "That was the absolute most difficult thing I've ever had to do, you don't understand. I haven't seen my daughter since she was born, Ryan. I can't help but think that if my parents had helped me raise her, then I might still have her with me. I wouldn't need to get random texts from her father, saying he found her." Ever since last year, I haven't heard from Andrew again. After I had gotten that text, I pushed it out of my mind. How dare he text me, after he hasn't started any communication with me in four years, and tell me he found our daughter?!
"If you don't mind me asking, what happened to the father?"
I sigh, hating this part of the story too. "He ditched me as soon as he found out I was pregnant. He text me last year, but I never replied."
I hear the sound of heels clacking and I look up, seeing our waitress coming back towards our table. I swallow back my tears and remove my hands from Ryan's.
I plaster a smile on my face and mumble a thank-you as she sets my plate of warm pancakes in front of me. The smell of strawberries and cream cheese together, brightens my mood instantly. I can't possibly be devastated, or furious, when I am about to eat pancakes. That is an impossible combination.
Ryan smiles at me after our waitress leaves again. "Are you going to be okay? Did you still want to talk about it?"
I shake my head, keeping the smile on my face. "The only other thing I was going to say is that Emily is the girl who took me in. The one I hadn't even talked to until that day it the library." I grab my fork and dig into my pancakes, enjoying the warm sensation that ripples through me with each bite.
I look up and see Ryan smirking at me. "What?" I say through a mouthful of pancakes.
He smiles and shakes his head. "Nothing. You just look so beautiful when you're excited about food."
I blush despite myself, looking down at my plate. "You don't have to say that."
He reaches over and touchs my hand, causing me to shift my eyes upward. "I want to. Because you are beautiful, Mia."
Fuck. Why does he have to say these things? I can feel the butterflies twirling around in my stomach.
Throughout the rest of my breakfast, I try to calm down. It isn't working very well. Every time Ryan looks at me, my body turns to mush. I am hyper-aware that he is watching my every move.
And I know he can see my whole body blushing bright red, which is fucking fantastic.
I am so relieved when he gets up to go to the bathroom, allowing me to finally relax. I take out my phone, trying not to just twiddle my thumbs while Ryan is gone.
Emily has texted me sometime during our meal. Has he complimented you yet? Have you devoured him whole yet? Either way, it's a win-win. J
I roll my eyes. Typical Emily. I send her a quick text back. I am not answering either of those questions. I'll fill you in when I get back.
I am beginning to scroll through my Instagram, my favorite social media app, when another text buzzes in.
I figure it is from Emily, so I ignore it. She is probably just cursing me out for not updating her every five minutes.
My phone buzzes again and I give in. I close the Instagram app and open my text messaging. Except Emily hasn't replied back yet.
I go back to the main menu and stiffen when I see who texted me.
I jump as a hand lands on my shoulder, then an arm around my shoulders. "Miss me too much?" Ryan whispers in my ear.
I quickly lock my phone and try to relax. I turn my head and force a smile on my face as Ryan sits down across from me.
"You ready to go?"
I nod, suddenly feeling claustrophobic in this place. I grab my purse and slide out of the booth, walking ahead of Ryan.
I smile politely as I pass our waitress, but keep walking.
I feel Ryan's hand on my back as we reach his car, making me pause. "Are you okay?"
I shrug, avoiding eye contact. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"Oh, I don't know. It could be the way you practically bolted out of the restaurant back there."
I sigh, not wanting him to worry about my fucked up life. "It's nothing. I just got a text from the wrong number. That's always freaky, right?" I find the courage to make eye contact, and I wish I hadn't. I can tell Ryan doesn't believe me, but he is nice enough to let me lie to him. Great. I am such a good...date? Girlfriend? I don't really know what we are, but I am bad at either one.
"Okay." Ryan lets go of me and walks around the driver's side of the car, starting it up.
I stand there, wishing I hadn't just lied to him. I truthfully don't know why I don't tell him. I mean, I already told him my pathetic life story. Why is this any different?
He looks at me through
the front windshield, giving me a questioning look.
I relent, walking the few feet to the passenger side and sliding in. I give Ryan a small smile, and we are off.
~~~
"Emily, it is bad. He knows I lied straight to his face, and he fucking let me. I felt like shit the whole way back here. And it was awkward as hell when he dropped me off."
Emily shakes her head at me. "Oh, Mia. It's not that big of deal. Ryan doesn't need to know about Andrew anyway. He's a piece of shit that I wish you didn't know about."
I shrug. "Yeah, but I don't want to lie to him, Em. I want to be able to talk to him about the shit that goes on in my life." It is true. If I am going to be with Ryan, or anybody, I need to be open with him. Now that I think about it, I never told Marcus about Andrew. He never even knew I had a kid. But here I am, already telling Ryan my life story. Why is it so much easier to tell him?
Emily rubs her hand on my back in small circles. "Don't worry so much about it, Mia. It's just a stupid text. Let's just delete it and move on, okay?"
I nod, if only to give her satisfaction. Honestly, I'm not sure what I should do. Deleting that text is only one option. "I think I'm just going to go to bed." I start to get up, but Emily puts a hand on my arm. I look down, right into Emily's desperate eyes.
"I scheduled you an appointment tomorrow morning at nine. Please don't kill me."
Honestly, I am furious. Furious that she has made me an appointment without even asking me, or telling me. Furious that she is bringing it up now, when we are having an important conversation.
But I set that aside, not really wanting to fight with her right now. I have bigger problems to deal with, like Andrew.
I take a deep breath and give Emily a small smile. "Sounds great. I guess we'll finally see what's wrong with me, then." I chuckle inwardly as Emily gives me a weird look. "Night, Em."
I walk out of the living room, heading towards my bedroom. I can hear my fluffy pillows and fleece sheets calling my name, awaiting my arrival.
I am going to need all the sleep I can get for tomorrow. God only knows what I'm going to find out.
