Another little incident occurred that very same week which, initially, frightened me badly but once I had thought it through, also lifted my spirits. I had been dusting Wilf’s table when I happened to glance out of the open door. I thought I saw a movement where there were only low bushes. I was terrified for a moment but made myself go outside and look around. I was greatly relieved when I saw it was only a young lad, hiding behind a hawthorn.
‘Hello,’ I called, ‘are you looking for me?’
The lad stepped out into the sunlight and I gasped as I realised it was the youngest Coad boy. Our paths had crossed twice in recent times and it had been down to him that I was rescued from the forced wedding to my cousin Sam: he had warned Wilf and Billy-alone what was happening. I hadn’t seen him since but knew he wouldn’t want any acknowledgement of his part in my escape; he would be too fearful of retribution from his father and brothers should his actions become known. We stood looking at each other and neither of us said a word. His clothing was stout and looked like it had been handed down from one much bigger than he. I could see that he was well nourished if on the small side. His eyes lifted from the ground and met mine directly as he finally spoke, ‘The little gel, she be well, then?’
‘Beth?’ I said, thinking carefully for a moment before adding, ‘Your sister. Yes, she is well and not too much troubled by what happened. Children forget easily. She never understood what was going on at the time, though she still asks when Wilf is coming back. She is visiting friends today.’
‘Aye, I thought she weren’t about, I ain’t seen her awhile.’
I didn’t ask where he would have seen her and wondered if he spied on us. Somehow, I couldn’t see the same malice in him that his brothers had. I waited for him to say something else or leave.
‘Best to take care o’ little ’un. There be people about might want to do her harm, like.’
I felt a sharp stab of fear. ‘My aunt, you mean. Do you know where she is, then? Is she still around here?’
His eyes slid away from me. ‘I don’ know nothink,’ he said, ‘but you should watch out, she might be about.’
He turned away and disappeared as quietly as he had come, leaving me bewildered but grateful; for whatever else I might think of his family, he had given me a clear warning and I would continue to ensure that Beth’s safety was kept at the front of my mind. My aunt knew no mercy where I was concerned and hurting Beth would be her vengeful justice on me. She had tried once, who knew if she would again? Beth’s little life had been saved by Wilf’s actions on our wedding day and I didn’t forget it.
Perhaps there was some good in the youngest boy and though I couldn’t quite bring myself to name him, he seemed drawn to Beth and concerned for her as his half-sister. It was unlikely that either of the other two boys felt the same way; they were vicious if past memory was resurrected. I tried to recall the events at Coad Farm – who had done what, who led, who was the instigator of all the little cruelties. I couldn’t remember the details, but I knew it was always the eldest two I was most afeared of, though Becca, Beth’s mother, mocked their ways and belittled them. Their father encouraged her and it all created such a poisonous atmosphere at the farm that I still shuddered at the memory.
Chapter Ten
Whereas Thomas Meapham, Apprentice to William Woodden of Chiddingly in the County of Sussex, Cordwainer, absented himself from his master’s service on the 10th June last, and has not since been heard of, this is to caution all persons from employing him, as they will answer the same at their peril; but whoever shall secure him and give intelligence to his said master so that he may have him again, shall receive a guinea reward. He is about eighteen years of age 5’- 6” high, has light brown hair a burley face, had on when he went away an old fustian frock and a blue waistcoat.
Sussex Weekly Advertiser and Lewes Journal 1750/1806
When Cecilia sent a message asking me to come and take tea with her at South Farm I sensed that there was something afoot. Beth had been with Freddie for the day and Mrs. Fisher was giving both children some bread and scrape when I arrived, so I ran up to Cecilia’s sitting room where she was making our tea. Some tiny gooseberry pastries were waiting to be eaten and I suddenly realised how hungry I was. I hadn’t really had a good appetite for months but today was different, I could eat. Perhaps, at last, I was coming out of my low mood.
‘Is something wrong, Cecilia?’ I asked. Her hand was trembling as she held the delicate teapot.
‘Not wrong, Esther, but difficult.’
‘Is it the cottage, you need the cottage back?’
‘Yes, I am afraid so. We don’t want to do this, but we need it for the new agent.’ She looked up at me sadly. ‘I am so sorry, Esther, but it goes with the job and John has employed a new man. He has a wife and children and that cottage is the only one big enough for them.’
I turned my face aside so she wouldn’t see my tears. ‘When will they be moving in, when do we have to leave?’
‘I have a plan and if you will listen to me for a few minutes,’ she said, ‘we might be able to resolve the problem of your home, your work and some wages for you.’
Bleakly, I nodded, not seeing how anything good could come out of this news.
‘John is quite happy for you to take one of the smaller cottages on the farm, but I think I have found a better solution. I would like you to come and live here, not as you did before but as our governess and nurse, a paid position,’ she emphasised. ‘We want you near us, Esther. You have such skills and kindness that we would like you to take on the task of helping me care for Freddie, and Beth, of course, and perhaps, if God is willing, another little one. We would find accommodation for you and pay you a wage as well as providing all your food and needs. I have had a good look round the house and there are quarters off the kitchen and still room that are barely used which could be turned into a home for you both. We could make a cosy sitting room, a separate bedroom for you and Beth, and there is even a small area where you could store all your herbs and books. You already use the kitchen and still room and Mrs. Fisher will not feel put out at your presence in her domain.’
Cecilia was younger than me by some years, yet she had the aura and the authority of her status that made her seem far my senior; yet I still remembered her as that desperate childlike woman who had contemplated ending her life when her first baby died. But, here we were together, friends and at times accomplices. I knew she had my needs at heart and it would be ungracious of me to feel bitter at this latest turn of events. The cottage was the last place that united me and Wilf and to lose it was a dreadful blow, even though I had known it was likely. Her little hand reached out to me and I gripped it in mine as tears fell, unbidden, onto my lap.
‘I’m sorry, Cecilia, I don’t mean to seem ungrateful…’
‘I understand, Esther, it was to be your home with Wilf, of course you are sad,’ she said, ‘John and I realise how painful this must be for you, but we need to make changes and this little plan of mine has so many possibilities for you and Beth. There is your safety to think of, some wages, Flossy - I have asked John that you have Flossy returned to you - and you can still do some nursing outside our home when you have time, though Freddie must come first,’ she went on, warming to her theme. ‘We will make a schoolroom up in the nursery for them both to do some work and play. Freddie will need to know his letters and Beth can join in too with everything he does. In due course, he will have to go to school in Lewes before he is prepared for whatever role we think fit - that might be one of the great colleges, or medicine, or law, though I pray not the army. Let us go and explore the rooms that I have in mind for you and we can talk about furnishings as well as plans for your future.’
I nodded vigorously, determined to shake off this misery. I just needed to think but already there was a sense of relief that we would have a home, whatever else transpired.
‘Shall we ea
t these tarts first?’ I said. ‘I’m getting my appetite back and we don’t want to upset Mrs. Fisher.’
She laughed, and I managed a small smile as I took one of the little pastries.
‘Before we look around, Cecilia,’ I said, ‘do you think we could talk about the other option, the possibility of me having one of the small farm cottages?’
‘We will discuss every option available, Esther, but for the time being let’s finish our tea and then go and explore this house.’
I had thought I was quite familiar with South Farm but had no idea that there were so many rooms, all beautifully furnished, and though many were not used daily, they could be opened at need. Clearly, Farmer Elwood’s family had entertained a great deal and money had been available to create such fine furnishings. Cecilia told me a little of the history as we went from room to room. In fact, the place that I called South Farm was a manor, not a farmhouse as I had carelessly named it. It was rather old and quaint in places but had been added to in recent years, particularly to accommodate the growing farm into which Farmer Elwood poured his energies and passion. He was perhaps, according to Cecilia, a little unusual in being a gentleman farmer who was also involved with every aspect of the farm’s daily working. He had shown that he was prepared to get his hands dirty, which earned him the respect of his employees and he was a practical man despite being a gentleman of the first order.
When we finally made our way to the servants’ work quarters, we walked down a passage off the still room which I had always assumed led to a series of rooms for storage; and, essentially, that is what they were, but with some finer features than you would expect. The first room we entered was quite large and would be well-lit if the windows were cleaned. There was a deep fireplace with a huge beam across that showed it to have been a kitchen at some point. On either side there were cupboards and inside the fireplace lots of hooks and old-fashioned utensils hanging amongst the soot and cobwebs. I couldn’t help being excited at the sight of such a beautiful space where I could do so much drying and preserving of fruits and herbs. The floor was dirty, having been trod by many working men’s boots, but underneath the mud and dust were flags, old and uneven in places, but whole and easily cleanable.
‘I wonder how long ago this was used as a kitchen?’ I spoke aloud.
‘John says not in his lifetime and he wasn’t even aware that it had been a kitchen – he would have had no reason to come down here at any time. Come, let’s go through and see the adjoining room; I thought this would make a lovely bedroom for you and Beth,’ Cecilia held out her hand to me as we pushed through a creaky old door into a similar room, but without the great fireplace.
‘I think this might have been the upper servants’ eating quarters in the past,’ she reflected. ‘We know there were a great many staff in the time of John’s grandfather and they would all have had to be fed.’
I tried to open one of the windows; it was very small and had unusual glass between the leads.
‘I think this must be very old, Cecilia.’
‘Possibly - but the area doesn’t feel disheartened or tired, does it? It is dry and would be warm if the fire were lit, and the room size is far bigger than you would have at any of our cottages. With some cleaning and your furnishings, why it would soon be homely, and you wouldn’t be forced to remember the tragedy of Wilf, as I am sure you do every time you enter the cottage.’ She looked questioningly at me before saying, ‘Anyway, before you decide, look in here.’ I followed her into another room and though it was quite small it had shelves all around the walls with a heavy wooden slab table in the centre on which were more bowls and utensils,
‘Perhaps this was a scullery,’ I mused, fascinated by the soft, worn texture of the wooden bowls which I couldn’t resist sniffing. ‘Oh, Cecy, these are wonderful, and the room is perfect.’
She laughed. ‘Now you can see why I wanted you to consider our offer, Essie my dear. I think you would love it here and it is big enough for your wonderful carved bed and even the table, should you wish to keep it. The minister is very approachable, and I am sure he would be happy to take it back or let you have it - we are, as you know, parishioners of his church and have made some generous donations in recent years; samplers, plate, and so on - and recently John bestowed some candlesticks in memory of his parents. I don’t think he would create any difficulties as to ownership, though you would have to go and see him.’ Cecilia turned to me, gripping my hands, her enthusiasm lighting up her eyes before she said, ‘Would you like to think it all over and then we can sort out the details, hours of work, tasks, wages - and if you want to consider one of the small cottages, we can do that too. However, I am concerned for your safety and most of the cottages are in isolated places. I know you will think of Beth when deciding.’
I nodded, knowing that the decision was already made, but I had to see what the arrangements would mean to me in terms of outside nursing; I couldn’t give it up.
‘Whatever would I do without you?’ I said.
Chapter Eleven
Job Advert for Uckfield area
Wanted a housekeeper, properly qualified for A Gentleman’s service, that can come well recommended, and not under 40 years of age. Wages ten pounds per year.
Sussex Weekly Advertiser and Lewes Journal 1750/1806
It was all decided. We would move into our new home as soon as it was clean. Cecilia told Billy-alone and one of the stable lads to scrub and freshen the walls and floor but not before the chimney had been swept. Years of soot tumbled onto the hearth, rising in a cloud of murky dust and causing a great spluttering and coughing. Once it had all settled, I went to poke around in the rubbish that had fallen. There were the remnants of nests, an old tiny shoe, insects, spiders and lots of small bones. I was thankful I wasn’t doing the clean-up myself, but provided instead a steady supply of drinks and pies for the lads. I took all the old utensils into the still room to wash them thoroughly and see if any were still useful. Beth stood on a stool and helped me dry them before we re-hung them in Mrs. Fisher’s kitchen to dry more thoroughly. It was all greatly enjoyable, particularly as the weather was still fine, and everyone in the household either joined in or offered their opinion.
I took it on myself to approach the minister to see whether he wanted Wilf’s table back. After all, it had come from his church and was taken without even a by-your-leave. He didn’t want it back; far from it, I think he felt it to be tainted and not clean enough for his fine church. He didn’t commiserate with my loss or want to talk about the terrible ending to my wedding; he wanted me to leave as soon as possible. Clearly, Cecilia’s patronage did not extend to me. I didn’t care - I had the table and it made me happy as it connected me to Wilf. I wondered if his attitude to me was because of the troubles that always seemed to follow behind me or because I was too lowly to be welcomed in his well-endowed church. Neither situation seemed very Christian.
The day Beth and I moved in was exciting. We rose early and though the sky was leaden and sulky it didn’t feel oppressive. We lit a great fire, and with Billy and Cilla to help, as well as some of the stable lads, we gathered all our bits and pieces: the curtains, the bed (which we had had to dismantle), the lovely spread I had made for it, the table and the contents of my bottom drawer – linens, some bits of china, my pa’s apothecary books, my ma’s receipts, my own nursing notes and pamphlets that Dr. Grieve had given me. I had kept Wilf’s clothes and tools; they were so precious to me and I’d decided not to sell them unless I was desperate. There were also jars of herbs, dried and bottled, as well as fresh from the garden we were leaving. I had some sacks of grasses including lavender and ladies’ bedstraw to keep things fresh. And finally, a jug of late daisies placed on the table to make it all look like home.
I had put by some apples for storing; they had a lovely smell which would develop more as the months crept by. I put them in a row on one of the shelves in the little scullery wh
ich was not too warm, but neither was it freezing: perfect conditions for storage. Wilf and I had enjoyed making a garden at the cottage for vegetables as well as my herbs and a few flowers, so I was planning to ask Cecilia if I could have a little corner of her kitchen garden for myself. The head gardener was very friendly and I was confident he wouldn’t object, especially as our produce would be different from his. He was a curious man and we had many conversations about when and where to plant and how to fight the battle of the bugs that wanted our food for themselves. He was a mine of information on planting produce or flowers that worked together to discourage pests; I wanted to know more from him.
I spent a good deal of time cleaning the agent’s cottage for the new family. They were to visit shortly to see their home and I wanted them to know that this place had been loved and wasn’t just the aftermath of a tragic event. I left a small pitcher of dried flowers and a gift of sweet-smelling soap wrapped in brown paper with a tie of pink ribbon. Beth tucked one of her own dried roses from Cecilia’s garden into the ribbon, crowing with delight at the pretty display. ‘Oh, Beth, you are your mama’s daughter. Becca so loved pretty things and you are as lovely as she was,’ I murmured into her soft hair.
At long last the day was done. We had many visits from everyone who lived or worked on the farm coming along to help or just see how we were getting on. Cecilia and Freddie came down and applauded all our efforts and finally, exhausted, we went into Mrs. Fisher’s kitchen to have a light meal before we fell thankfully into our lovely bed. Beth was snuggled tight into me and I lay for a long time just thinking. Though it was still a wrench to leave the cottage in which we had planned for so many of our hopes and dreams, I found I wasn’t unhappy or cast down. This was a new beginning and my heart was lighter than it had been in an age; I would make the most of this opportunity and not allow the past to lower my spirits. It was with this thought that I finally managed to fall into a dreamless sleep.
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