by Joseph Fink
Before each man died, I would remind them of the secret of their cursed history, their secret they could never have known, could never have done anything about. And, dear sweet baby Darius, I swore to each man that I would raise their son. I would make sure those boys were happy, and healthy, and follow the best choices possible. I would talk to and play with each of those baby boys, like I’m talking to you now, little one. (Ooh, you love kicking those chubby little legs about, don’t you? Yes. Who’s got a gorgeous smile? It’s Darius! Yes it is!)
I swore that no man in Edmond’s line would ever have a comfortable death. Edmond’s debt will continue as long as I exist. The curse will never end. Each man will be forced to sit with their pain, to sit with my pain, to sit with the pain their ancestor never had to sit with.
I would make sure as he died, that each would see my face again just as he did as an infant. And each man would know. They would recognize me, and they would remember what I told them.
I didn’t get a life, Darius. I didn’t get a family. What I get instead, again and again, is the dawning epiphany of horror on those men’s faces, faces that look exactly like Edmond’s. And each time it delights me. It fills me with purpose.
One day, just like your father, and Donald, and Jacob, all the way back to Gregory, you too will die, and it will be my doing. I will be with you on that day, and I will remind you. You will suddenly, for the first time, remember this conversation we’re having now.
I don’t know when your death will be. I don’t know how it will be. But, Darius, it will be.
Maybe you’ll again be lying on your back, naked and alone, kicking and gurgling and grabbing at me, just like you are now. I think that would be a poetic symmetry. Don’t you?
I can’t die, young Darius. I have long wanted to, but I cannot. Perhaps this is because I don’t truly want to. One day, many years from now, I may give up my vengeance. Give up my pain. But for now, I’m still quite happy sitting with it. Understanding what makes my body hurt. And through the centuries, I have found peace with my pain, and relief in my wisdom. Revenge is in my bones, my brittle old bones, and I cannot do anything with that but act upon it.
Okay, my baby boy. Now I want you to grow up big and strong and handsome and kind. We need to get you a good job, and a lovely spouse. And, of course, a baby boy to call your own.
Remember me, my nosey-wosey, baby boy. Remember my story. One day you’ll have a son, and that will be the happiest day of your life. And of mine.
Oh! Looks like someone made a messy mess. Don’t cry. Shhh. Let me get you all cleaned up.
There. Out with the bad pants. Let’s just wipe your behind up all clean. Yes. And get you some new pants. You like your new pants, do you?
Remember what I said, little Darry. Many many years from now I will watch the horror and confusion and betrayal spread across your precious little face, and in that brief moment before the end, you will understand.
Ohyesyouwill!
Now, get some rest, little one.
I hear your mother coming.
Want More Night Vale?
Well you’ve done it now. You’ve read all of this book, and now there’s none of it left. (Except the secret pages we hid. Let us know if you find them.) In any case, while this is the end of the book, it doesn’t have to be the end of your journey into Night Vale.
If you enjoyed this novel, we recommend you join us in our ongoing Welcome to Night Vale podcast, which has been telling stories about this strange desert town since 2012.
Our podcast comes out twice monthly online and is completely free. You can download it to your computer or listening device through Apple, Spotify, SoundCloud, YouTube, any of the hundreds of free podcasting apps (Joseph recommends Podcast Addict), or by visiting welcometonightvale.com.
All of the episodes going back to the very start are available to download right now. Or if that sounds like too much of a time investment, just hop right in with our most current episode. Or dabble around with ones that have titles you like. We’re not here to tell you how to live your life.
Welcome to Night Vale also does live shows all over the world (more than four hundred shows in seventeen different countries at the time of this writing). These live shows are full evenings of Night Vale storytelling, with live music and guest stars, designed so that you do not need to know anything about the podcast or novels to enjoy.
Keep an eye on welcometonightvale.com to join us next time we pass through wherever you live. (Wherever you live is our favorite place to perform.)
Oh, and did we mention that we have a podcast network called Night Vale Presents with fourteen original shows made by us and artists we love? Visit nightvalepresents.com to see them all. We recommend Start with This, in which the authors of this book provide an easy and thought-provoking guide to writing—one short and simple assignment at a time.
See you out there.
Acknowledgments
Thank you to the Welcome to Night Vale cast and contributing writers for nearly a decade of podcast episodes and touring live shows: Meg Bashwiner, Jon Bernstein/Disparition, Desiree Burch, Hunter Canning, Aliee Chan, Dessa Darling, Felicia Day, Emma Frankland, Kevin R. Free, Mark Gagliardi, Glen David Gold, Marc Evan Jackson, Maureen Johnson, Kate Jones, Ashley Lierman, Erica Livingston, Christopher Loar, Hal Lublin, Dylan Marron, Jasika Nicole, Tina Parker, Zack Parsons, Flor De Liz Perez, Jackson Publick, Molly Quinn, Retta, Symphony Sanders, Annie Savage, Lauren Sharpe, Lusia Strus, TL Thompson, James Urbaniak, Wil Wheaton, Brie Williams, Mara Wilson, and, of course, the voice of Night Vale himself, Cecil Baldwin.
Also and always: Jillian Sweeney; Kathy and Ron Fink; Ellen Flood; Leann Sweeney; Lola Cranor; Jack and Lydia Bashwiner; the Pows; the Zambaranos; Rob Wilson; Kate Leth; Jessica Hayworth; Dave Watt; Iain Burke; Christy Gressman; Adam Cecil; Julia Melfi; Grant Stewart; Vincent Cacchione; Nathalie Candel; Sarah Conboy; Lucy Goldberg; Angelique Grandone; Lauren O’Niell; Teresa Piscioneri; Emily Pojman; Em Reaves; Bettina Warshaw; Holly and Jeffrey Rowland; Kassie Evashevski; Andrew Morgan; Eleanor McGuinness; Megan Larson and Christine Ragasa; Hank Green; John Green; Griffin, Travis, and Justin McElroy; Cory Doctorow; Janina Matthewson; Sarah Maria Griffin; John Darnielle; Aby Wolf; Jason Webley; Danny Schmidt; Carrie Elkin; Eliza Rickman; Mary Epworth; Will Twynham; Erin McKeown; Mal Blum; Dane Terry; the New York Neo-Futurists; and, of course, the delightful Night Vale fans.
Our agent, Jodi Reamer; our editor, Amy Baker; and all the good people at Harper Perennial.
About the Authors
JOSEPH FINK created the Welcome to Night Vale and Alice Isn’t Dead podcasts. He lives in the Hudson River Valley and Los Angeles.
JEFFREY CRANOR cowrites the Welcome to Night Vale and Within the Wires podcasts. He also cocreates theater and dance pieces with choreographer/wife Jillian Sweeney. They live in New York.
Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com.
Praise
WELCOME TO NIGHT VALE
“This is a splendid, weird, moving novel. . . . It manages beautifully that trick of embracing the surreal in order to underscore and emphasize the real—not as allegory, but as affirmation of emotional truths that don’t conform to the neat and tidy boxes in which we’re encouraged to house them.”
—NPR.org
“The book is charming and absurd—think This American Life meets Alice in Wonderland.”
—Washington Post
“Welcome to Night Vale lives up to the podcast hype in every way. It is a singularly inventive visit to an otherworldly town that’s the stuff of nightmares and daydreams.”
—BookPage
“Fink and Cranor’s prose hints there’s an empathetic humanity underscoring their well of darkly fantastic situations. . . . The book builds toward a satisfyingly strange exploration of the strange town’s intersection with an unsuspecting real world.”
—Los Angeles Times
“The charms of Welcome to Night Vale are nearly impossible to quantify
. That applies to the podcast, structured as community radio dispatches from a particularly surreal desert town, as well as this novel, written by the podcast’s cocreators, Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor.”
—Minneapolis Star Tribune
IT DEVOURS!
“Different from other mystery novels. . . . As captivating and light as any mystery novel can be but explores one of the most complex issues: the conflict between science and reason on the one hand and, on the other hand, religion and cult.”
—Washington Book Review
“Thought-provoking. . . . The relationship between science and religion is satisfyingly explored with humor and insight. Readers need not be familiar with the podcast or the previous book to enjoy this work, but fans will appreciate the cameos from well-known Night Vale residents.”
—Publishers Weekly
“Compelling. . . . A confident supernatural comedy from writers who can turn from laughter to tears on a dime.”
—Kirkus Reviews (starred review)
“[A] smart exploration of the divide—and overlap—of science and religion. . . . A thrilling adventure and a fascinating argument that science and belief aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive.”
—Tor.com
“Very clever. . . . With a gripping mystery, a very smartly built world (a place similar to our own world but at the same time distinctly other), and a cast of offbeat characters, the novel is a welcome addition.”
—Booklist
Also by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor
Welcome to Night Vale: A Novel
It Devours!:
A Welcome to Night Vale Novel
Mostly Void, Partially Stars:
Welcome to Night Vale Episodes, Volume 1
The Great Glowing Coils of the Universe:
Welcome to Night Vale Episodes, Volume 2
The Buying of Lot 37:
Welcome to Night Vale Episodes, Volume 3
Who’s a Good Boy?:
Welcome to Night Vale Episodes, Volume 4
ALSO BY JOSEPH FINK
Alice Isn’t Dead: A Novel
Copyright
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
THE FACELESS OLD WOMAN WHO SECRETLY LIVES IN YOUR HOME. Copyright © 2020 by Jeffrey Cranor and Joseph Fink. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
Cover design and illustration by Rob Wilson
FIRST EDITION
Digital Edition MARCH 2020 ISBN: 978-0-06-288902-7
Version 02082020
Print ISBN: 978-0-06-288900-3
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