by Helen Bell
It was too much. Kerin jumped up and grabbed her arm; saw stars again and had to sit back down. Renia’s self-destructive mood was gone in an instant; she was back to being the girl he’d known for the last few days, full of anxious concern for him.
‘Are you all right?’
He had to shake his head, not wanting to heap guilt on her but unable to say anything else. ‘Not really.’ He tried to make a joke of it, but she was contrite and wouldn’t forgive herself.
As she helped him up and inside, he knew he’d been right. This girl needed him to be on his way as much as Jastur did. He must leave as soon as possible.
Chapter 4 – Decisions
‘Ren! The washing!’
Vel’s sharp yell startled her out of her daydream. Three of the goats were nibbling at the clothes on the line as the fitful wind let them drop within reach. She jumped up – and knocked over the pail of milk at her feet.
She snatched up the pail, saving a little of the milk, and waited for an angry outburst from Vel. There was none; his look was eloquent enough. Dumping the pile of logs he was carrying, he strode over to shoo the goats back into their pen.
She stood the pail on the stone seat before hurrying to the line to survey the damage. When Vel returned from latching the pen, she apologetically handed him a pair of trousers with the waistband half pulled off.
‘That’s another bit of clothing I owe you. Sorry.’
‘Is there a problem?’ They both turned in surprise; their guest, as they’d taken to calling him, had come to the doorway and was standing watching them.
‘We’ll sort it out,’ she told him. ‘You can go back to minding the meal.’ He nodded and went back in. ‘And hope that you’ve still got some clothes to go home in, the rate I’m going,’ she added under her breath as she took the rest of the damaged stuff off the line.
Vel was still inspecting his trousers, turning them this way and that. ‘No good for me now, but our guest’s a bit shorter in the waist and leg than me. Can they can be remade for him?’
She sighed and made an effort to look more closely. ‘I expect so, if I get the time.’
‘By the way, how much longer is this going to go on?’
‘I’m sorry?’
‘The sleepless nights, the fretting, putting off the decision…’
She gave him a look meant to plead ignorance, but it ended up as one of her intense stares, trying to fathom how he read her so well.
‘All right. I think we have to go with him. But there again, I don’t want you anywhere near him. But then, I know what I’ve seen is going to happen anyway, so…’
Her voice trailed off, miserably. Vel folded his arms.
‘Would it help to know what I think?’
‘I don’t know. What do you think?’
‘That you’re right. What will happen, will happen. It makes no difference if we stay here, or go to Ilmaen with him, or run screaming to the Northlands for that matter. What you’ve seen is going to come about, and you’ll be there to see it, and it looks scary, but we don’t actually know how it will turn out. Agreed?’ She nodded reluctantly.
‘Fine. Now, let’s look at our choices: stay or go. What’s likely to come of staying? Mmm. That’d be you facing Dailo’s gang every day, and – supposing we all get through whatever it is you’ve future-seen – you becoming an old maid that all the women are afraid to employ and all the men are afraid to marry. Me: I’d be stuck with sheep farming when I’d rather do almost anything else – no disrespect to Melor – and if I were to get married, I’d be stuck here with my old maid of a sister and my wife at each other’s throats all day. Ah, no, don’t you tell me you wouldn’t resent someone else in your kitchen,’ he declared, drowning out her protest before she’d made it.
‘On the other hand, what if we go? No guarantee of anything – but Ren, this man’s a friend of the future ruler of Ilmaen. The possibilities are almost limitless. Perhaps I’ll be no use at all to him – but if I am, we’ll be set for life!
‘But there’s one last thing about going and it’s this. Even if the worst comes to the worst, you’ll have made a fresh start. In Ilmaen, no one but he and I will know about your future-sight. You’re a clever, able girl, Ren; you could get by on your own over there, if you had to.’ Vel sighed heavily. ‘I don’t know how long it is since you got a decent night’s sleep, worrying over all this – but, believe me, I’ve spent far more sleepless nights these last few years, worrying about what’s going to happen to you, and I don’t need future-sight to predict the worst if you stay here. Please, can we just make the decision, and go?’
She stared at him. She’d had her knuckles pressed to her mouth to hold back a retort, since his comment about having a feuding wife and sister. Now she was chewing on them absently while she thought. Finally she dropped her hand.
‘You’re right. But there is still one problem.’
‘What?’ he snapped in exasperation.
‘Our guest. How do you know he’ll agree to take us?’ The look on her brother’s face gave her some satisfaction, since it told her that her he hadn’t even considered that possibility.
‘And I’ll want Melor’s blessing as well,’ she added as a parting shot. She took the trousers back from Vel, added them to the pile of repairs she had to do, and went inside.
oOo
‘Foolish children. Of course you have my blessing. Now kindly knock this pole in to celebrate.’ Melor was amused, not displeased, to Vel’s relief.
The pole was soundly in with three strikes. Vel dropped the mallet and mopped his brow with the back of his hand.
‘I thought maybe you’d be offended.’
‘Ah, that accounts for it. And I thought you’d move on a lot sooner than this.’
‘I’m sorry. I really tried to fit in, but I never felt I did. I don’t think it’s just the way they are with Ren. I don’t think I ever could fit in when I don’t know who I am. This way, I might get a chance to find out. But I feel very ungrateful, after all you’ve done for us,’ Vel said awkwardly.
‘I raised you, boy. I don’t own you. Oh, I grant you, I held hopes of being looked after in my dotage by Renia, but the villagers killed off those hopes long since. It was even longer ago that I gave up hope you’d stay on. But you did; and you’ve worked hard and well into the bargain. This farm hasn’t made me a rich man, but it brings in enough for me to hire another lad when you go. There’s a bit put aside for you and Renia too; you can take that with you. Heaven knows, I shall miss you, but you’re right. You need a challenge, and there’s nothing like that here for you. There’s worse than nothing for Renia. Whatever the village bullies might or might not be capable of, they’re scaring her into taking terrible risks. From what you said, it’s a miracle she didn’t kill herself up that tree the other day. Here, let’s get the crosspieces in.’
Out came his hammer and some fencing nails while Vel offered up one of the beams, steadying it in its slot as Melor secured it. The second beam went in too, and he stood back to check it. Vel had already judged the frame sound, and was bringing branches of gorse to infill it. Melor let him finish the section off then voiced his thoughts.
‘This vision’s a worry, though. Mind you, our guest ought to be a worry, even without it; he’s a long way beyond cautious, nearer paranoid, and he still hasn’t given us his name. But somehow he makes me trust him. There’s no standing on ceremony with him, which isn’t usual with the sort who wear clothes of that quality; and he’s downright badgered me to give him some of the easier tasks to do, to try and pay us back. I suppose I ought to worry that he’s trying to buy our favour, or that he’s not the man he claims to be; but I can’t make myself see anything other than an honest, adaptable young man who’s experienced enough of life to know when to change to suit the circumstances. Above all, he doesn’t judge you two, and he’s not scared of what Renia can do. If things go right, you might have a career in Ilmaen, and Renia could have the chance of a proper life. If only the v
ision passes off for the best, eh?’
Melor said no more. They both knew better than to hope the vision was wrong.
oOo
That afternoon, Melor and Renia stayed discreetly indoors while Vel spoke to their guest as he filled the animals’ trough. He took the suggestion calmly and thoughtfully, clearly not surprised by it.
‘I knew you had something planned.’ He rested one boot on the edge of the trough and leant his forearms on his raised knee as he poured, his way of sparing the bruised muscles in his side. He put the bucket down, and leant forward again. ‘I had thought I would be taking you only, and Renia was trying to talk you out of it.’
‘You don’t want her along,’ Vel suddenly surmised, his voice flat. ‘You think she’ll be a problem.’
‘On the contrary. It would be safer to travel with a girl in the party. Men alone – people can be suspicious. But if you seem fit company for a girl to travel with, people think of family men, breadwinners, salt-of-the earth folk. It does not matter what you are in truth.’
‘But all the same, you aren’t sure about taking Ren.’
‘No. After all, she’s barely more than a child; and while she would make it safer for us, there are limits… If Lemno thinks I am alive, there will be people out there trying to kill me. And when we reach Ilmaen there will be an entire army with that as their task. I won’t lie to you, Vel. What she has seen is one very possible outcome to events.’
The animals, no respecters of person, were pushing round the trough now. Their guest swung his foot out of their way, retrieved the bucket, and they started back to the house.
He asked Vel, ‘What Renia said to you, about both wanting and not wanting to go. You can understand that, I take it?’ Vel nodded. ‘And you still want to go?’
‘Yes.’
Kerin paused for a moment, a thoughtful frown on his face.
‘I need to speak to Melor and Renia before I make a decision. But not straight away. She’s worried and confused, so she is trying too hard to find arguments to justify one choice or the other. If I push her now I don’t think she’ll make the right choice. We can still plan, and make that decision later. A few more days. Can you give me that?’
oOo
With the decision put off, Renia settled into resigned acceptance. She had already replaced friendly shyness around their guest with quiet efficiency. The others seemed to consider things were back to normal, but he seemed more aware than they of the times her mood would swing to something darker. She tried to hide it, but often it took her by surprise – even the most innocent of things he said or did could set her off.
But then he needed efficiency more than friendliness right now. Information on the nearest ports and trade routes was essential. Without it, he couldn’t work out how best to reach Ilmaen undetected. Melor’s sailing days had been from a port further west, and twenty years ago. Kerin needed current knowledge, and Renia got it for him. From the second week of Kerin’s recovery she took Melor’s tiny sailboat on regular fishing trips along the coast, checking ports large and small for regular shipping routes to the continent. When the men came in from work in the evenings they would be met with the smell of yet more cooking fish and a table spread with notes on ships posted for travel and ships seen. For the first time ever they found themselves wishing for a bit of mutton to relieve the monotony of fish baked, grilled, stewed and steamed.
Kerin’s thoughts were settling in favour of Greatharbour. It was further away than he would have liked and frankly much bigger, but it gave more chance of anonymity and less time spent waiting for a suitable vessel, and that would make up for the extra days of travel to get there. In addition he was obsessed by the idea that his pursuers might spot him. While he was confident he could shake them off again, he feared that they would trace his route back in the hope of finding someone who could be ‘persuaded’ to reveal his destination. For that reason, he decided to go well inland and east and then follow one of the rivers that fed into the estuary at Greatharbour, and hope their trail would be too hard to follow.
He worked hard at his plans, and at getting fit – too hard, to Renia’s thinking, and she limited him strictly to light work in the house. She took on jobs any man would have run to aid a woman with, sitting him down with a stare if he chafed at it, and managed well enough by herself. Most of the time. The day inevitably came when she tried to set a heavy pitcher on a high shelf and struggled. As she did he appeared beside her, not taking it off her but merely helping her to lift and set it in its place. Tall as she was, he had a few inches on her so she knew he was taking all the weight, and with no effort or pain on his part. Having made his point he went back to the table and studied his notes for the rest of the morning.
Renia found she could not settle to any work for the rest of that day. Granted there were no urgent jobs but still, it bothered her to do nothing. She brewed a pot of tea and poured herself a mug, settling into the bench seat beside the fire. That left her with nothing to do but drink it and brood.
Kerin returned from the woodpile, clumping to the fire in Vel's over-large boots and noisily dropping his pile of logs by it. He banked the fire and stacked the rest of the wood neatly beside it.
She had not realized she was staring at him until he asked if the brew in the teapot was fresh, and she saw him frown. She broke the stare and looked down at the floor, angry with herself; but out of the corner of her eye she still watched him. Kerin poured his tea, but did not take the seat on the other side of the fire, where he normally went; he came to join her on her bench, mug on his knee.
‘I think Vel will do well in Ilmaen,’ he said, out of nowhere. ‘He has the makings of a good swordsman; fast reactions, adaptability, stamina. Some training and practice, and he’ll be ready for this trip.’ A turn of the head and he gave her a long, hard look. ‘Unlike you.’
‘You’re refusing to take me?’
‘That’s not what I said. I said you are not ready for it. Now tell me I’m wrong.’
Since she said nothing he leant so far forward she could not avoid looking at him.
‘We have to talk, Renia. I have to understand why you want to come to Ilmaen, and it’s not enough to say that you must. And truth be told, the looks you’ve been giving me – no sane man would trust his back to you. And if I cannot trust you, I cannot take you. Too much is at stake.’
‘I’d never betray you, if that’s what you’re thinking,’ she protested, and then admitted, ‘you do scare me though.’
‘I do?’
She shrugged awkwardly.
‘Well, you’re so single-minded. About rescuing Jastur, and about that man Lemno. I know one’s love and one’s hate but there’s the same kind of… obsession there when you talk of them both. It feels like you’d push me or Vel aside if we stood between you and either of them.’ It resembled what she’d seen in the eyes of those who tormented her, though she didn’t say that.
Kerin looked astonished, as though he had never thought about this. She hurried to get past this, before he attached too much importance to it.
‘It’s not really you. When I look at you, I can’t help but think about the vision. I know we have to go with you– I know in his heart Vel is longing to! – but I remember how the vision made me feel, how desperately I want that moment to come, but at the same time feeling it’s going to bring some terrible loss...
‘Look, you aren’t going to get a sensible answer from me. I don't know why I want to go; I only know that I must. Whatever happens, I will be there. I've seen that. That's the future. It doesn't matter what I do, I can’t prevent that. But I do know that when it comes, I’m going to lose something – I’m scared that it’s Vel...’
She tailed off, angry that she couldn’t explain her fears more clearly. How could you explain a gut feeling? She felt as frustrated and foolish as a child trying to make an adult understand why she was afraid of the dark. She must sound so stupid; but a glance told her nothing, other than that Kerin was looking t
houghtful.
After a while he said, ‘I appreciate some things are hard to explain. I couldn’t give you a sensible reason why I believe in reincarnation, or why I choose to fight – though maybe I’m prepared to risk myself in battle because I believe in reincarnation. It’s not because I’m not scared, I can tell you that. It’s years now since my first battle, in Federin, but the memory is still vivid. They have clans there, and some long-standing, complicated disputes with their neighbours; and they like to settle them as a clan. Sometimes it’s just a skirmish; sometimes it ends up bigger, and my first battle was much bigger. Intelligence was coming back one piece after another and it all confirmed the odds were against our side. I can recall the constant wavering of my courage, terrified by the prospect of battle at one moment but at the next half dreading that the fight would be abandoned. I was barely fifteen, and hadn’t the remotest idea whether I would live to see the next day; I just knew, unshakably, that if it came to it, I would fight in that battle because it mattered to the clan.’
‘So that’s where you learned to fight?'
'No, but it was the perfect opportunity to improve. Or die. Ironically, in sending us there to avoid the fever, Father sent us to the most dangerous country in the world to be a fighter. The rules of challenge don't apply so rigidly there, a dispute is as likely to be resolved by a battle as a duel.'
'How can they work the land to feed themselves if so many are fighting?'
'They're a populous nation. Theirs was one of the last cities to be destroyed in The Catastrophe, so some were able to flee. With fewer lost, their numbers have grown faster than other nations so they value the holding of land and livestock over life. Father believed that within a few generations Ilmaen could face the same challenges and wanted Jastur and myself to understand and be prepared.'
