by Helen Bell
‘I’d best talk to her alone. She needs to understand this is an order, not a request. I’m not sure how she’ll take that.’
He did not put it quite as well as he should have, but Vel waved that off.
‘Go ahead. You’ve got to stop this. But if you make her cry, look after her.’
‘I seem to have a talent for making her cry,’ Kerin admitted.
‘Then you should have got the hang of looking after her by now,’ Vel pointed out.
oOo
Cedas was helping Renia up from the litter as Kerin arrived.
‘That was good, very good.’ Cedas pinched her cheek in a friendly manner and went off to supervise some other part of the rehearsal. Renia gave Kerin an embarrassed smile, aware that close to, the make-up she wore for her part was heavy and garish and did not suit her. She stopped smiling when he took hold of her shoulder, startled by the way his grip hurt her.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ he demanded.
‘What – the act? I have to do something. We can’t stay with the Company if we don’t perform. I thought Cedas told you earlier.’
‘But why that? Why a mind-reading act, of all things?’
‘It wasn't my choice! Cedas decided on it. Sun and Moon, Kerin, what do you want me to do?’ She was angry now, tired of feeling under pressure when the act was over, and tired of being told she was getting things wrong. She yanked her arm free from his painful grip and abandoned Ilmaenese to pour out her anger in a tumble of Mhrydaineg.
‘We thought you were dead. We saw this as the only chance for Jastur, going with the Company. Cedas never wanted to take us in the first place; but no act, no place in the Company, that he definitely wouldn’t move on. What did you think? We'd get him to agree to help save Jastur and then say, Oh, no, sorry, I can't do that act. Do you have another one?” I'm just trying to help as best I can, Kerin. I'm trying to rescue a man I've only met in my mind, in a country I know next to nothing about, all the while thinking that the two… that two people I care about are dead. I'm sorry if I'm not doing it the way you would like, but then I haven't had the benefit of your experience, have I?’ Tears were close, but they were tears of anger. They served to calm Kerin's rage, at the least.
‘This can’t continue,’ he said. ‘It’s too dangerous, for you and for what we’re trying to do. You understand my meaning? If you were to have a waking fit during a show Heaven knows what you might come out with, and if you did you might as well have gone no further from home than Dorster. Rumours would start, fingers would point – all that would begin again. Melor told me the kind of things that have happened; I fear there are too many of Dailo's type in the world, and others worse still. Don’t forget that when fingers point at you, people will start to look at those around you. If you draw attention to yourself, you draw attention to us and what we are doing. That endangers Jastur.’
And she knew full well where Jastur came in Kerin's list of priorities; way above her.
Her head bowed, and the elaborate headdress pulled uncomfortably, so she yanked it off. It made her lose her balance. Kerin steadied her with one hand, and caught the headdress with the other. It was an instinctive action on his part; he took his hand straight off her as soon as she was steady. The anger in her went cold. She could find the words in Ilmaenese now.
‘I know that you’d leave me behind if you thought it necessary,’ she told him bluntly. ‘But I've told you before, I have to be there. Understand that. Understand I know the risks I've been taking. I've done it because, as I see it, we both want the same thing: Jastur out of Karn. Then we can have an end to this. Now you go see Cedas and work out another way to get it, because I'm too tired to think any more. Good night, sir.’
She took the headdress back from him – the temptation to snatch it had evaporated, along with her temper. Fortunately he let her take it without resistance.
oOo
It was misty next morning, a filmy layer that hovered two feet off the ground, so that the wagons seemed to be sunk up to their axles in it.
The tall, dewy grass slapped against Kerin's trousers as he walked through the camp, making him damp to the knees. A few people were about, shaking out mattresses and the like. Jesral was fixing back the shutters, surprisingly quietly since it was plain even from a distance that she was in a mood. She did not bother looking at him as he arrived.
‘Renia's packed and ready to go. As requested I'm staying on Atune's wagon, but I'd be obliged if you'd let me know when this supposed row between me and Renia is over. I still regard myself as part of the team, even if you’ve forgotten that.’
She unhooked the waterskin from the back of the wagon and brushed roughly past him on her way to the stream. He said nothing; her sarcasm made him cross, but she had some reason to be angry. He had discussed his plan for Renia with Naylan and Vel last night, then with Renia herself, and finally Cedas; but when he had invented a non-existent row between Renia and Jesral as the reason for her leaving the show he had indeed forgotten to ask Jesral. That Jesral would be left behind, when in reality she might prefer to join them on Naylan's wagon, had never even crossed his mind. Well, damn it, he told himself, it would make the wagon impossibly crowded with their stuff; she didn’t need the alternative as Renia did. He suspected that she wouldn’t have taken it if it were offered, not when she had more room in Atune's wagon and the chance to sleep inside in the dry and warm. Renia was going to have to sleep rough under the wagon, as he and Vel did. No use pointing that out; so he took a deep breath instead, and knocked on the wagon door.
Renia called him in. She sat on her bunk, and next to her lay her pack and the two swords, each wrapped in a blanket once again.
Renia bent forward to Atune as the old woman stirred and raised her head to look at them both.
‘So, you go then. I thought you would, now your man has come for you.’ To his surprise, he saw a tear fall down the old woman's leathery cheek.
‘He's not “my man”, he's just a friend, but he's worried about things and wants us all together again. I asked Jez to come too, but she wanted to stay with you. She's very fond of you, you know. So am I. I will come back and see you. We're just following the Company.’
‘No, no, no. You must go. I understand. I understand better than you think.’ She fixed Kerin with a piercing look.
‘He's right, and you know it in your heart. You must be more careful of this.’
Renia looked at Kerin in some surprise. He returned it, equally surprised. Plainly, she thought he had told Atune. Since he had not, and he doubted that Jesral would have been so foolish, how had the old woman…
Atune gave him a lop-sided smile before speaking to Renia again.
‘What you have, girl, is a rare gift, but others have it too. It's a wonderful gift, but it isn't good and it isn't evil, it's whatever you make of it. And you have it in you to make such important use of it. Far more than I have ever done with mine.’
Renia became very still, as if frozen. Kerin started forward a pace and then stopped, staring at the two of them.
‘Ah, it doesn't matter that he knows about me, for he knows it is in you already and you trust him. But it may matter that I say this when he is listening, for no one can be strong all the time.’ Atune reached up and put her claw-like hand against Renia's face. There was some strange quality in that touch; Kerin watched in horrid fascination as Renia caught her breath and pressed her face against Atune’s hand. Her expression suggested it was both painful and ecstatic to do so. Atune shook Renia’s head a little to reinforce what she was saying.
‘What you have is a wonderful gift, but you must hide it, as he asks. You know now how to do that. This is all the help I can give you; the rest is up to you. So many lives depend on you, my dear.’ She looked directly at Kerin, who could feel the blood draining out of his face.
She means my life! And Jastur's... and how many more?
But Atune had looked away again now, and back to Renia, who was equally pale.
>
‘You know then what scares me?’ Renia asked in a tiny voice. Atune smiled reassuringly.
‘Oh, yes, your moment in time. But it may not be what you think. There’s probably life to be lived beyond that. There certainly is before it. You want that moment to come so much, and yet you fear it greatly, don't you?’
Tears shone in Renia's eyes now.
‘Yes. But I don't understand why.’
‘Nor do I, my dear. But trust yourself; if you’re meant to be there, there’s something for you to do. You’ll know what it is when you get there. It’s no good being afraid if you can't avoid it. Better to go at it modig.’
‘Modig?’ Renia sounded confused. Kerin broke in, hardly recognizing his voice as his own as he told Atune: ‘She doesn't know that word.’ He found he could not look at the old woman, not wanting to meet those knowing eyes again. In Mhrydaineg he informed Renia: ‘Atune means you should be brave.’
‘I'll try.’ Atune made a little noise of disgust at that.
‘”I'll try.” What did I just say about a half-hearted attitude? Sir, is she like this all the time?’
‘She is,’ Kerin had to admit. Atune was pressing Renia's face again.
‘What am I going to do with you?’ the old woman asked affectionately. Renia's smile was teary.
‘I'm sure something will come to mind,’ she joked back, and leant down to hug Atune before jumping up to wipe her tears on her sleeve, a little self-conscious. The old woman beamed complacently.
‘Ah, well. Get along with you, or the wagons will be rolling before you get your stuff moved. But Renia – don’t tell Jesral. She doesn’t know about me. Only you two must know.’ She sighed. ‘I have learnt it is still a thing best kept close; you remember that too. Now, leave your man a little while. I want to talk to him.’
Renia gathered herself and shouldered her pack. Kerin stayed where he was, in slight foreboding, unable to imagine what Atune might want to say to him. Renia's touch on his arm got his attention.
‘I have everything else, if you can bring the swords?’ He nodded. ‘I'll see you soon.’
He turned to watch her go, but that only took so long, and then he had no reason not to meet Atune's eyes. He did so carefully, but she did not look as though she was drawing out his deepest thoughts. She looked more peeved.
‘Young man, I don't bite. Come over here.’
He did.
‘You are allowed to sit down.’
He did, on the edge of her bunk. He realized he was being uncivil in his confusion.
‘I'm sorry. What you two have – I didn’t know you shared this. I have no option but to make her leave the Company.’
‘You are right, so why be sorry? What, all these tears, you mean? No, you misunderstand. She is a little upset, a little scared, but mostly she cries because she is happy.’
‘Happy?’
Atune tutted and moved to touch his face as she had done Renia's. Kerin flinched away, mindful of Renia's reaction. It provoked a cross sigh from the old woman.
‘I'm not going to hurt you, I only want to touch you. What a baby!’ That stung enough to make him submit to it.
He was not quite sure what he had expected, but all he felt were warm fingertips on his face along the line from temple to jaw and her palm against his cheek. There was some shakiness in her touch, but nothing more.
She made a slight noise of surprise and dropped her hand.
‘Nothing at all, not even a smattering; no wonder you didn't realize. That's not what I expected. My, what trust she has in you!’ The woman’s talk seemed to be in riddles, but he said nothing.
‘You see, my dear, to be different is a lonely thing, and she has been lonely for such a long time. What she does frightens people, and she thinks, “Why shouldn't they be frightened? It's not normal: no one else does what I can do.” But she's just found out that a mad old circus woman she’s fond of can do it too; and there are others as well. Of course, there aren't that many like her and me. I think she realizes that. But she knows she's not alone any more, that's the difference.’
‘Others? But you didn’t say… when did you tell her this?’ He knew the answer as he asked the question, but she spelt it out for him.
‘Just now, while you were watching. I touched her mind.’
He had to get up and pace the length of the wagon while he took that in. When he returned, he sat in the bunk opposite her and gave her an intense stare.
‘But how? How do you do it? How does she?’
‘I can only do it through touch. I could explain it all, but the knowledge is quite useless to you. Renia doesn't know how she does it, and I haven't told her, not directly. She is not stupid, but she is naïve; she might put herself at risk if it were any stronger in her. The trouble is, she has been with me these many days, looking after me, helping me sit up, lie down, wash, brush my hair – in short, she has been touching me. I think she has learnt things; knowledge has… gone across, without us knowing. I fear she may be able to call up the gift at her own choosing now, and I say fear deliberately, believe me. She must watch how and when she uses it – you should discourage her from using it at all, if possible. When I touched her just now I taught her how to control it, to hide it, which is all you can ask of her for the time being. When it matters, then I think she will find her true strength.’
This was barely less of a riddle to him than everything she had said before, but it was leading Kerin to a new realization.
‘If you know her mind, you know my task. She'll be tempted to use it to help me, won’t she?’
Atune shrugged for answer.
‘Everyone has their role to play. I know what she's seen events leading to but no one can be certain how things will turn out, least of all those in the middle of them. Don't underestimate what she may have to do – but you try to be there when she does, for she may need you.’ Then Atune quoted to him from Ilmaen's constitution, the Book of Crown and Council, that Kerin knew almost by heart: ‘”Not all bear arms; many fight the battle without them”.’
He shook his head, bemused.
‘I don't know. I had been assuming that the hard work was mine. Now you’re telling tell me all our lives may be in her hands? She’s too young for such responsibility.’
‘Hah! Listen to the old man. There can only be a few years between you.’
‘A few years, yes, but half a lifetime of experience. Only you’re telling me it’s not the right experience.’
‘No one said it was wrong. Ah, you wish you could do what she does, don't you? To take the burden away from her. Well, you can't. You never will be able to. I felt for your mind just now and what is in Renia's is not in yours, not even sleeping, as it is in many minds. You don't have her type of power. But that is a good thing, you know. It gives you immunity from many fears that would stay another man. Thus when you are weak, she can be strong, and when she falters, you can bear her up.’
Kerin smiled wryly at these words. Now the old woman was quoting from the marriage ceremony. And she would keep calling him Renia's man!
‘Next you’ll tell me I should wed her,’ he joked wryly.
‘You could choose worse,’ she retaliated.
‘I’m sure I could, but it’s not a choice I have,’ he said gravely, marking an end to the discussion.
Atune shrugged once again and changed the subject.
‘Well now, you'd best be on your way. You get caught in camp at this time of day, and Cedas will have you in the show before you can say “errand”. Besides, Jesral is likely to heat the water for my wash too hot if she's kept much longer, and she'll cook the skin off me. Make sure you let Renia back to do that for me once in a while, or I shall look like a boiled beetroot. And take those damn’ swords with you… don’t leave them cluttering up my wagon!’
Chapter 19 – …Is a Dangerous Thing
They were far from any settlements at the end of that day’s travel, and it was a night for rehearsal again. Jesral had persuaded them to w
atch the Company once more. The ‘row’ between her and Renia was supposedly settled but Renia remained out of the Company, which wasn’t going to be a problem for the rest of the players; there were only so many acts that could be fitted into the show and, truth was, they’d sooner a regular player had a slot. This would probably be Renia’s first and last chance to enjoy the show properly, with no worries about her own performance.
Behind the stage, Jesral watched Renia and the men join the audience as the openers finished setting up. Renia found some spaces near the end of a bench and held up the lamp to guide Kerin in; Vel tucked himself in on the other side of her, looking like he had every intention of enjoying himself. She waited for Naylan and Bighur to slide on to the bench in front of them before she set the lamp down.
Renia looked to be the one making most of the conversation tonight, chattering to the others as she gestured at the stage. Talking about Jesral: she couldn’t hear at this distance but she saw her name several times on Renia’s lips. She was probably telling them what to expect from the acts for Jesral had more than one, like most of the performers. Everyone had a stock act that was done for a whole circuit, while the other would change every week or two – as much for the performer's benefit as the public's. Tonight Jesral would rehearse both her stock and her short acts.
The show warmed up with a round song, various people taking a verse as a solo and everyone joining in the chorus. Then Cedas came on, and Jesral with him. This was her stock act, revived from the old days, and on hearing the opening bars of her accompaniment the Company members whooped and cheered. To those who knew the tune this was Jesral's song, complete and entire.
She wanted to know if the man courting her had enough money to keep her in style, so as she sang Jesral searched through Cedas's pockets to check. He had pockets in some unusual places, and Jesral's search was very thorough but didn’t look to be finding much money.
She danced around him teasingly, always managing to find another possible hiding place for his money, while he tried to button down pockets she had already searched. The humour lay in the timing, and they had it spot on still. Jesral felt flushed with triumph but kept focused on the routine. Close to she could see the cold, level look in Cedas's eyes but it did not show to the audience. The act worked even better now than it had in the past. It depended on a degree of interest from her that could quickly turn to indifference, and his past behaviour to her made that easy now. Also she knew from Atune that he had tried to do this act with Nina after Jesral had left, but they had never carried it off. She hoped he caught the knowledge of that in her eyes, as in the song she spurned him and went off to search the audience for funds.
