Silent Screams

by Zachary Ryan

  “Or maybe I took myself out of the way because I knew how much your ego needed the win.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t sound pitchy during my audition or any of the rehearsals. I would know because I see the jealousy written all over your face,” she said.

  I got into her face. “You’re nothing more than an understudy. The play will be a disaster because of you,” I said.

  Tristan walked over and broke us up. “Zachary, she’s right though. You can’t sit here and say all these things about the play then come watch us,” he said.

  “You’re taking her side,” I said. I couldn’t believe this from Tristan. Everyone hated Marylyn. She had become even more insufferable lately and her ego was huge since she got the lead.

  “Yes, because you don’t get to attack her.”

  Marylyn laughed. “Thank you.” She touched his arm softly. “I need to go rehearsal. We only have a week till opening.” She walked away.

  I looked at Tristian. “Are you two a thing?” I asked.

  He shrugged. “We’re just hanging out. We’re both the leads of the musical, and we’ve been spending a lot of time together.” I’ve seen a softer side of her.

  “I can’t believe you.” I looked at him.

  “Me?” He looked confused. “What about you?”

  What about me?” I wasn’t defending the bitch. My personality hasn’t changed to love the enemy.

  “We have always been close and liked each other. We have always danced on that line of will they and won’t they. I thought we were going to be something when we kissed at the wrap party of the winter play. Was it too soon?”

  I shook my head. I loved my kiss with him at the wrap party. It was something I thought about all through winter break. We talked all through break, but he had to go to Italy with his family for vacation. I had my surgery, and I needed to keep distance just in case.

  “No, it’s not that. There’s more to me than you know.”

  “I’ve proven to you that you can trust me. You told me you wanted to take things slow, but I didn’t think you were going to block me out. The day I saw you on the stage after the shooting, it felt like we were getting back on track. Was I wrong?”

  I wanted to tell him right then that I couldn’t sing anymore. I wasn’t the girl that he fell in love with. I wasn’t going to measure up anymore. “No, you’re not. Just life has happened.”

  “Like what?” he asked.

  I shook my head. “I can’t tell you.” I looked at him with tears in my eyes. “I want to, but I want you to continue to think of me the way you had now.”

  He shook his head. “I had a vision of the last couple of months of senior year with you. We would do the spring musical together, we would date, we’d kiss at prom, and I’d tell you I love you at graduation.”

  I grabbed his hands. “I want that too.”

  “The girl that I was falling for since freshman year does.” He looked me up and down. “This isn’t the girl. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore. I need to know someone wants to be with me, not treat me like a plaything.” He walked away before I could say anything else.

  I ran toward the bathroom. I walked into the girls room and locked the door on a stall. I began to cry. I thought of that kiss.

  I was standing there alone just having a drink. We had just finished the winter play. I was one of the smaller leads, and it was so one of the best times. Even my parents gave me a dozen roses.

  I felt someone grab my hand. I looked to see it was Tristan. He pulled me to a quiet room in the house. “I wanted to get some alone time with you,” he said.

  “Why?” I asked. I knew there was always a connection with us. I wanted nothing more than to be with Tristan, but I’ve been hurt before.

  He didn’t even respond to my question. He leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. It was filled with joy, comfort, and satisfaction.

  He broke the kiss right as I was devouring the sensation. This was a kiss I deserved after all the men that told me I wasn’t good enough or worthy. “Was that too forward?” he asked.

  I touched the side of his face and I just looked at the softness in his face. It was something that I’ve never experienced before. It was something that I wished would never go away. I didn’t respond with words, but with a kiss.

  He was supposed to be my greatest love story. I wished I didn’t let people control my feelings. I wished that people didn’t hurt me, so I wouldn’t push good things away from me.

  I heard the door to the bathroom open. I quickly put my legs up. I heard a couple of girls at the bathroom sink. I saw it was Marylyn, Cara, and Stephanie. They were two girls that were in chorus and close to Marylyn.

  “It’s kind of pathetic Zachary won’t let it go that she didn’t make the play,” Cara said.

  “Especially, since she choked so badly,” Stephanie said.

  “She’s just jealous that I’m the lead and going to prom with Tristian,” Marylyn said, with smugness in her voice.

  I wanted to burst out of that stall and attack her. Cara and Stephanie looked at her. “Are you really going together?” they asked.

  “After opening night, we kill our performance. Why wouldn’t he ask me?” she asked. “It’s not like Zachary is any competition after her psycho ass showed up.”

  They laughed and walked out of the door. I opened the door to the stall and walked over to the mirror. I saw how much I looked like a wreck, and I was done feeling like that. I wasn’t allowed to have my dream senior year, then neither does Marylyn. She doesn’t get to have a fairytale ending with Tristian. It was time I ruined her opening night. She thought I was a psycho; well she was about to find out how much of a bitch I could be.

  Chapter Sixty-Four

  Cass

  I heard screaming the moment I walked onto the porch. Edgar and I had just had dinner together, and it was extremely sweet. We just talked about what we wanted for our futures. I showed him some of my recitals, and he continued to show me his beautiful words.

  I felt my heart sink when I opened the door to see my mother standing there with my father. She looked at me, and I’ve never seen my mother look so panicked before. “Cass, I need you to go to your room. Your father and I are having a disagreement, and I don’t want you to see him like this,” she said.

  I turned to see Edgar looking confused. “Edgar, I’ll call you later. I need you to go,” I said.

  “Is there anything I could do for you?” he asked.

  I wanted him to be the man that could fix this. I wanted to believe that he was strong enough to make sure that this would never happen again, but he wasn’t my rock. I looked at his innocent face, and I was too damaged for him. He shouldn’t be exposed to this kind of darkness. I didn’t see Edgar as my equal. I needed someone to protect me, and he wasn’t strong enough to do that.

  I pushed him out of the door. “I’m sorry. I can’t have you see this. I’ll call you later,” I said. I shut the door on his face. I looked at that closed door. I felt rage in that moment because I just wanted to float with someone. I wanted to have something good for once in my damn life. I was so stupid to believe he could be that for me. How could I have been good, when this was my home life? How could I find someone to expose all of this to and inspect them to stay with me?

  I turned around and stepped forward. “Mom, what’s going on?” I asked.

  “Yeah, Denise. Why don’t you tell Cass all about what’s going on,” my father said?

  My mom looked at me then him. “Richard, this isn’t something for you to tell your daughter. This is a conversation that needs to stay between us,” she said.

  He took a swig from his bottle. He started laughing. “Please, Cassidy has heard every fucking fight that has gone on between us. She knows there’s something wrong with our marriage.”

  “We can work on it,” she said.

  He threw the bottle against the wall startling both of us. “You’re never around to settle anything. You’re too busy bei
ng fucking cold to me, to even give me the chance to make things work between us,” he said.

  My mother looked at me. I saw the tears start to form in her eyes. “Cassidy, I need you to get out of here. I’ll deal with this myself.”

  I nodded. I ran up the stairs. I locked the door. I began to pace back and forth in my room. I ran my fingers through my hair. I felt my whole body begin to vibrate. I yelped when I heard a crash downstairs. I began to hear more shouting from both of my parents.

  “I told you that I wanted to work on things. I knew I had become terrible since my mother’s death. I was willing to work on me, but you pushed me out,” he screamed. “I needed the only person I had in my life, and you weren’t there for me!”

  I didn’t know if my father would attack my mother. My father had been angry and drunk before, but he has never been like this before. I feared for my mother, and I didn’t want this to end badly for her.

  I grabbed my phone, and I called the first person I could think of. I knew that I shouldn’t have called him, but he has been here before for the bad times. “Jarele?” I asked, when he picked up the phone.

  “What’s wrong, Cass?” he asked.

  “Can you please get to my house? My dad isn’t right,” I said. I heard my voice crack. I knew he could hear how much I was scared in my voice.

  “I’ll be there in a couple of minutes,” he said.

  He hung up before I could say anything. I sat on my bed shaking, wanting nothing more than for this to be a fucked-up nightmare. I felt a small part of hatred that I needed Jarele here. I didn’t want to depend on someone else to protect me from evil. I didn’t want to have someone need to come for my rescue.

  I heard the front door of my house open. I heard Jarele calming down my father. I heard my mother thanking him for helping him out. I heard the quietness downstairs, and then I heard the footsteps to my room.

  I jumped a little bit when there was a knock on my door. I walked over to the door and opened it. I saw Jarele standing there with nothing but love and worry on his face. We didn’t say anything. He just pulled me into his arms, and I began to cry. I began to show the ugliness that was my heart, and I knew he was the only one that would really love it.

  He escorted me to the bed. We both laid down, and I just clung to his chest. I knew I felt safe in this moment. I hadn’t felt like this in weeks since we broke up. I felt like I was holding my breath, but it felt right being curled up to Jarele. He made a mistake, but we could move forward with our lives, right? He was the only one that could understand this. He was the one that came to slay the dragon, and he continued to rescue me from the tower. I should be with a man that would do that for me, was a question I asked myself as I slowly drifted to sleep.

  I woke up, and it was the middle of the night. I jerked up and looked around. I turned to see Jarele was at my desk reading a book. He turned around and smiled. “How are you feeling?” he asked.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked. I had a slight moment where I forgot about the events that happened. It then hit me. “Is my dad okay? Is my mom okay?” I asked. I could feel myself getting worked up.

  He walked over to the bed. “It’s okay. Everything’s okay. Your parents are asleep.” He put his hand on my cheek. “It’s almost midnight,” he said.

  “And you stayed?” I asked.

  “Cass, I still love you and want to make sure you’re okay. I wanted to be here when you woke.”

  He was a good man. I was a fool to believe that I should have let him go. I leaned forward and captured his lips with mine. This was a true kiss between two people that loved each other. This was what people do when they were meant for each other. They find their ways back to each other. Edgar and Angela were escapees, because we were scared what we had together. We had to make sure that was true before we could move forward in our lives. We got it out of our systems and could be together.

  He deepened the kiss and we reconnected in a physical manner. I missed the way he took care of me in the bedroom. I never felt like he tried to take more than he was allowed. I felt safe curled up next to him as he lightly snored. I laid my head on his bare chest and smiled. We were reunited, and it felt right. My only question was, why did I feel like there was something incomplete here? Why did I feel like we had settled? Why did I doubt myself with the only good man that would truly love me?

  Chapter Sixty-Five

  Cass

  “You’re going back to him?” Edgar asked, when I got to school the day after the fight. Jarele got up early and went home to change. He ended up coming back for me to take me to school. We acted like nothing changed, and it felt right having his arm around my shoulder.

  I couldn’t look at Edgar. I knew I was hurting him, and I just couldn’t see it splashed across his face. “Yeah, I am.”

  “Is it because of last night? What happened?” he asked.

  “My dad is a good man,” I said. I knew that Edgar didn’t deserve an explanation, but I felt like he deserved it. “His mother had passed away a little over two years ago. She was the only family he had.”

  “He seemed so broken last night,” he said.

  “He turned to my mother. He leaned on her or tried to. My mother is a sweet woman, but she doesn’t deal with emotional or the heavy stuff. I think she freaked out and decided to focus on her work.”

  “And you’re stuck in the middle?” he asked.

  I took a moment to really think about that question. I wanted to make sure that I had answered it in the most honest way. “I don’t think they try to make me part of all the drama. I truly believe they think they’re keeping it behind closed doors. They don’t understand that I hear everything in my room. I hear all the below the belt comments and all the pleads for change that never get answered.”

  “How do you deal with it?”

  “I danced, and I also had Jarele. He would take me into this bubble and make sure that I didn’t hear all the screams. He made sure that I had something sane.”

  “Why break up with him?” he asked.

  “It was a personal and stupid reason,” I said. I knew that Edgar didn’t have the right to those reasons. He didn’t get to know about the dynamic of my relationship more than he was my safe space.

  “I get it. We all have our reasons for doing stupid shit, but we have to do what makes us happy,” he said.

  I turned to him. I saw the curiosity on his face. “You’re not upset I’m ending it?” I asked. I assumed he would have had some anger or hurt in his face.

  He shrugged. “Cass, I wasn’t expecting anything with you. I knew you had just ended it with Jarele, and you’re you. Guys like me don’t really get girls like you.”

  I knew it was a sad statement, but this was high school. It was the truth of the matter. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “You deserve better, and you’ll get it. I peaked in high school, you didn’t. You’ll go out there and achieve so much, and I’ll be stuck wondering what if.”

  He squeezed my hand back. “You’ll be my muse, and I’ll thank you in every speech.”

  I smiled. “I’d be honored,” I said.

  He got off the park bench. He smiled at me. “I better get to class before I’m late. I hope everything works out between you two,” he paused. “And I hope everything works out with your family. No one should have to be in the middle,” he said, before he walked away from me.

  I watched Edgar walk away, and I was saddened to see him go. He was a nice break from all my drama. “You really think that was best?” Gabe asked.

  I turned to him. “I don’t know, but I know he wasn’t going to fix me.”

  “And you think Jarele will? You’re an idiot if you think he still really loves you.”

  I stood up and turned back to Gabe. “It’s not your problem anymore.”

  “Like I told you at spring fling. I’ll always be here for you.”

  I leaned forward. “And like I told you at a spring fling, you’ve never been in love or been loved. You hav
e no clue what you’re talking about.” I didn’t give him a chance to say anything before I walked away from him to go find Jarele. He might not have agreed with what I was doing, but he made his fair share of mistakes and regrets, why didn’t I get the options for myself.

  Chapter Sixty-Six

  Lane

  It was time to submit our last round of poems to the lit magazine before the final edition went out. I walked into the poetry room, and I started to see Jefferson sitting there crying. “Oh, I didn’t expect someone to be in here,” I said.

  Jefferson looked at me with tears in his eyes. He stood up and wiped them away. “What do you want, Lane?” he asked.

  I lifted a folder of poems. “I was just dropping off my poem submission for a lit magazine,” I said.

  He nodded. He walked over and snatched them out of my hand. “I don’t see the point in us having a final lit magazine. What’s the point?” he asked. “It’s not like Colby got to see it through.”

  We were both quiet for a moment. I didn’t know how I was supposed to comfort Jefferson, without putting my feelings for Colby to the side. “He would have bragged about it for months.”

  Jefferson chuckled. “He would have put all the magazine covers together and framed them. He would have said it was his greatest joy,” he said.

  I leaned against the desk. “Colby always loved his accomplishments more than anything else in the world.”

  He looked at me. “He believed that these moments would make him immortal forever.” He paused. “People will forget about their time at this school, but they could pick up this lit magazine and remember how everyone felt during this time.”

  “An emotional time capsule,” I said. It was the speech that Colby gave us during poetry club when he asked us all to help contribute to the lit magazine.

  Jefferson placed a hand on my shoulder. “I know you cared deeply for Colby, but he was my greatest love. No amount of time will make this all go away. It killed me watching you two grow close.”