by Zachary Ryan
“I think just defending me is enough,” I said, patting him on the chest. It was nice he wanted to do all those things with me, but I still needed some time to process who I am now.
He gave me a warming smile. “No problem. Do you need help getting upstairs?” he asked.
I shook my head. “There’s something that I need to do first,” I said. I paused. “And I’ll keep the door open, so you won’t have any more surprises,” I said. They never told me how they found me, and I didn’t want to know. I just was happy they did find me, and we could heal together.
I walked upstairs. I walked into my room. I turned to the bathroom, but I wasn’t ready to go in there. I thanked my parents that they kept the door closed. I didn’t know if I would go back in there and Gabe would come out of nowhere. I blocked out the memory of him helping me cut my skin with the razor.
I took a seat at my desk, and I saw the picture of Colby and me. I thought about our relationship and everything I wish I could have said to him. I pulled out a piece of paper. My therapist told me that the greatest form of me getting my emotions out was to write, and I wanted to do that for Colby. I knew he would never read it, but I could leave it at his grave. I knew he was watching over me.
I put the pen to the paper, and I began to write out the words that I never had the courage to say to him.
Dear Colby,
I think I want to start this letter by thanking you. I never knew when I joined poetry club that I would have been with someone as incredible as you. I always saw you from a distance. I always knew you as being Jefferson’s boyfriend. I saw how much you didn’t care about what people thought of you. I remember junior year when I was writing a poem in the library about DJ, you leaned over my shoulder and saw me writing the first couple of sentences of the poem. You told me that I should join poetry club next year. I saw your smile, and you pulled me out of the darkness with it. You had no clue how much I was struggling with my sexuality and my emotions for DJ. I think I really didn’t notice you until that moment. I had spent so much of my time invested with DJ that I hadn’t really thought of anyone else. You didn’t even do much, but you gave me the light at the end of the tunnel that I was searching for. You took me under your wing when I joined senior year, and you kissed my scar from my first attempt. You saw this broken human in front of you, and you continued to give me the smile that I needed to get to the end of the tunnel.
I wouldn’t lie to you and tell you that I didn’t miss that smile. I spend every fucking day wishing that I could see it one more time. I want nothing more than to know that there still is the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ll continue to feel guilt for thinking that I got you killed. I will always wonder if Gabe targeted you because of me, but you would tell me to stop thinking everything is all about me. You would just pull me by the front of my shirt and kiss me to shut me up.
I want to let you know that no matter what, I’m so thankful for my months with you. Thank you for seeing all my scars and believing that I mattered. I know I wasn’t easy to love, but I gave you all that I could. I pray that you’re looking over me smiling. I pray you know that you can move on from me. I will somehow be okay. I’ll find the light at the end of the tunnel on my own. I will continue trying to believe that I’m worth being in this world. I won’t deny that it will be a struggle. I might have a craving to cut myself again, but I won’t be drowning alone.
Always remember that you were the greatest first love a broken soul could ask for. You’ll always be someone that I’ll never forget, and I hope you would never forget me. Colby, I love you with all that I could, and you’ll never be forgotten even if I tried.
Love,
Lane
Chapter Eighty
Lane
August 26th, 2016
“I don’t get why there isn’t a freshmen section or even a lunch period for all freshmen.” A girl came to sit down across from me. She had blonde hair and braces. I had picked a lunch table that no one was sitting at. I was just reading my poetry book when I heard someone sit down.
I looked up at her. “Do you want me to leave?” I asked.
She looked at me with curious eyes. “You’re a freshman too,” she said. I didn’t know if there was an aurora about me that gave that information off. She reached out her hand. “I’m Zachary Vincent,” she said. She pulled out a headshot for me and handed it to me.
I shook her hand. “Lane McBride.” I lifted the headshot up. “Why did you give this to me?” I asked.
“Because I’ll be a star on Broadway one day, and you can gloat that you knew me beforehand,” she said with a wink. “Do you like poetry?” She asked looking at my book.
I shrugged. “It’s something that I’m passionate about,” I said.
“I’d love to read some of your work,” she said.
We didn’t get a chance before a petite brown hair girl dropped all of her books on the ground in front of us. We got up to help her. “I’m sorry. You didn’t have to help me pick up my books. I hate being new to a school and having no idea where I’m going or even where to sit,” she said.
Zachary and I looked at each other. “You can sit with us,” Zachary said.
“Are you sure?” she asked.
We shrugged. She came to sit down next to Zachary. She introduced herself as Cassidy Montgomery, but people called her Cass. She looked like she was easily breakable, and I worried for her. I didn’t know why I was excited people were coming to talk to me, but I didn’t think it would mean anything. I’ve learned from moving so much that you connect for a little bit with people, but it won’t amount to a lasting friendship.
I noticed that Cass seemed extremely timid and scared. “Is everything alright?” I asked her.
She looked at me and smiled. “I just get nervous around new surroundings. I don’t like the idea of being out on my own. It’s scary coming to a school that you really don’t know anyone. I went to a middle school on the other side of town, but I was forced to go to this school,” she said.
I didn’t get a chance to say anything else before a guy walked over and plopped his expensive bookbag on the lunch table. “I know we’re strangers but I need a place to sit.” We didn’t object to him sitting there. He pulled out his lunch. “You would think upperclassman would want to get to know you,” he said. “I’m freaking Ben Howard for crying out loud.” We didn’t know if he was mumbling to himself or saying it to us.
Zachary, Cass, and I all looked at each other confused. “Is that supposed to mean something?” I asked. Once again, I was new to the city, and I wasn’t sure if that was a name known around town.
He took his seat. “To people that know my family legacy, then yes.” I could see the disappointment on Ben’s face. He wanted us to know his family name and wanted us to drool over him. I was curious to wonder if anyone in the school would.
“Too bad none of us know who you are,” Zachary said. I could tell that Zachary enjoyed the idea of calling Ben out on his bullshit. It was weird seeing all these different personalities coming together.
“You’re a misfit like us,” Cass said, with a simple smile.
Ben looked at us. “Are you saying none of us know anyone at this school?” he asked.
We all shrugged. “I just moved her from Maryland,” I said.
“My friends went to a different school than me,” Cass said.
“Never really had any friends growing up,” Zachary said. “What about you?” she asked.
“My friends have a different lunch period than I do.” He slumped across the lunch table. “I guess this means we have to get to know each other,” he said.
“We can be lunch friends,” Cass said. I could see her face light up at the idea of having friends. It seemed that we all knew how to survive on our own except for Cass. I wondered why she felt the need to cling to people. I didn’t know why I was so intrigued by all of these people.
I just gave them the same level of enthusiasm even though I didn’t think it matt
ered. I just thought that it would just be a fleeting friendship once the year was over. We wouldn’t invest our time with each other or worry about what was going on in each other’s lives. We were just all scared freshmen looking for a moment of belonging.
We heard a loud crash. He turned to see a kid had his lunch tray knocked down, and people started to laugh. We could see the sheer horror on his face. We looked at each other, and we knew that he needed our help. We walked over to help him clean up his mess and make him feel better about the upperclassman picking on him. We introduced him to our misfit group.
We all introduced ourselves to him, and he told us his name was Gabe Athens. He looked a little shaken from the kids bullying him, but he wouldn’t have to be alone. We all had found somewhat of a safe place in this school.
We were just going to survive freshman year focused on us making it to lunch every day. We would be each other’s escapes from reality, and we would be nothing more. I looked at this misfit group of people, and I smiled. I knew we were all strangers, but I felt like I belonged to something.
Chapter Eighty-One
Zachary
“You wanted to see me,” I said, walking onto the stage for one last time. It was the night of our prom, and I was supposed to meet at Lane’s house in a little bit. We all decided that we would all go together to prom. We thought we needed to do something as a group one final time. It was surreal to think that it was the end of my high school career. We would all be graduating next week and going on our own.
Ms. Rey had called me in the morning as I was getting ready for prom, she wanted to meet me before I went to the prom. She met me in the middle of the stage. “You look quite beautiful in your dress,” she said.
I had gone with a black number with an exposed back and slit up the side. I smiled while I ran my fingers down the fabric. “You didn’t call me here to talk about how I would look at prom. I assumed you would be there tonight.”
She chuckled. “I came to talk to you about what happened opening night. I heard that you helped Marylyn with her mental breakdown,” she said.
I nodded. “I had.”
She crossed her arms. “Why were you there?”
I looked at the empty stage. “I have always dreamed of being something bigger than me. I wanted to give everyone performances that they would never forget. I lost my vocal abilities, and I became angry with this stage. It wasn’t right that I gave my heart to something, and I couldn’t continue the dream.”
“I forget about how dramatic theatre kids can be,” she said.
I turned to her. “What?”
“Zachary, you can still perform on this stage. You act like singing was the only trait you had in your wheelhouse.” She walked up to me and grabbed my hands. “You can still love this stage in your own way. You don’t need to give up your dreams for applause.”
I shook my head. “Not after I tried to sabotage Marylyn,” I said.
Ms. Rey chuckled. “You think you’re the first girl that has tried to ruin a lead actresses’ night to take center stage. We’ve all done sketchy actions. I once stole a girl’s hairbrush to get into her head.” She touched the side of my cheeks. “You need to realize that you have to be above it. You did by being there for Marylyn.”
“What if I fail?” I asked. “What if I go to NYU, and I don’t make it.” I thought about Megan and how she went to New York to only fail.
“Who cares,” she said. “I didn’t make it as a grand Broadway actress. I still learn to love the stage in my own regards by being a drama teacher. I get to watch all of you struggle to find your own way in this world. I get to grow you and prepare you for the harsh world of drama,” she said.
“I don’t want to disappoint you,” I said. I wanted her to know that I had so much respect for her.
“You will only disappoint if you don’t try.” She stepped back. “You continue to think this stage is trying to kick you out, but I’ve never seen someone more natural in the spotlight. The stage is grooming you to be the best. You have to have faith in its ways and believe it will take you to where you’re meant to be,” she said. She walked away before I could say anything else to her.
I looked at that stage, and I smiled. I believed in her words for that second. I looked at the empty seats, and I closed my eyes. I imagined the applause, the roses, and the chants of approval. I would get that one day in some shape or form. I had no clue what would happen when I left this town for the bright lights, but I was chasing after something that I loved. I prayed that my doubts didn’t consume me again, but you never knew when all you were chasing in life was the standing ovation that was never meant for you.
Chapter Eighty-Two
Cass
I shouldn’t have been surprised to see him here. I hadn’t really talked to Jarele all week. He had been a zombie all week, even when I talked to him about prom. I sat in my car as I saw him standing over her grave. I saw the flowers in his hands, and he had never given me flowers before. I thought of Lane during his guilt behind closed doors. I was drowning in my fears. I didn’t want to one day wake up miserable because of fear.
I wanted to believe that Angela was just a stupid escape, but she wasn’t. I had come to realize that I was his fling. What he had with her was true love, and he was mourning her. Gabe was so right. I meant nothing to Jarele compared to Angela.
I got out of my car. I closed the door, and he looked up. I saw the fear in his eyes. I gave him a weak smile. I walked towards him.
“I was going to meet you at Lane’s. I just wanted to stop here,” he said. “I wanted to say my goodbyes. Cass, I was coming here to move forward with us.”
I walked over and squeezed his hand. “You were going to leave me for her, weren’t you?” I asked.
“She’s dead, so it doesn’t matter,” he said.
I laughed. “Even in your own heartbreak, you’re trying to continue to protect me. Jarele, you loved her, didn’t you?”
I saw the tears in his eyes. I saw the pain splashed across his face. “I never loved someone more than her.” He broke down before I pulled him into my arms as he began to cry.
I wanted to feel a certain type of way, but I couldn’t. I didn’t love Jarele like that. I didn’t even know if I ever did. I had too many boys break me, and Jarele was the only one to fix me. He was the only one that was good to me, but even then, he broke me in his own way. I went back to him because god forbid, I’d be alone.
He broke the hug. “Why are you comforting me?” he asked.
“Because you comforted me way too many times, Jarele. You stayed with me even though you were miserable. You loved her, but you stayed with me. You put me before your own needs, and I’m doing that for you now.” I knew it would be hard to be away from Jarele, but in the end, it would be harder to stay with him knowing I didn’t have his heart.
“I stayed because I loved you. I saw how much pain you were going through at home. I wanted to protect you,” he said.
“I needed a knight at that time, but I want to be with someone that wants to be with me, not rescue me.” I leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. “She was your love, not me.”
“Are you angry with me?” he asked.
I gave him a weak smile. “I want to say no, but I can’t lie. I wished more than anything I could speak ill of both of you. I want to curse the ground you both stand on, but it’s not in my nature.” I turned to her gravesite. “You both don’t deserve this ending for each other. You both deserved your prom night.” I picked up my dress and turned around.
“I can still go with you to prom,” he said. “I promised you a night you would never forget.”
I turned to look at him. “You never promised me prom.” I nodded towards Angela’s grave. “You said it to her, and I think you should honor it. You brought her flowers,” I paused. “And I know that the reason you’re wearing blue is because it’s her favorite color. She always wore that blue dress,” I said. I knew all these things about Angela, and I w
anted to hate her. I wanted nothing more than to wish her horrible things to happen to her, but she lost her life before she could fully get a true romance with the guy she loved. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
“Are you going to be okay?” he asked.
I didn’t realize a tear had escaped. “I’m not your damsel in distress anymore, Jarele.” I turned and left him with that. I walked back into my car. I closed the door, and I wanted to cry. I wanted to pour my heart out right then, but there was nothing that came out.
I felt my phone go off, and it was a text in the group chat with Zachary, Ben, and Lane. Lane was telling us to meet at his house in an hour for photos. I didn’t need Jarele’s love anymore. I didn’t need him to protect me because it was time I did it on my own. I drove away with Jarele in the rearview mirror. I saw him place the flowers down on the grave, and I said my goodbyes to him. Jarele was a good man, but he wasn’t mine to have in the first place. He always talked about an epic love, and it killed me to know it wasn’t with me. I wasn’t ready for my epic love just quite yet, but I would focus on the future in front of me, not behind me from now on.
Chapter Eighty-Three
Ben
I’m sorry for the other night,” I said to Chet. I had asked him if I could come over before everyone went to prom. I needed to go on my tour of apologizes before I ended up at Lane’s house.
Chet shrugged. “You don’t think I deserved it,” he said. “After all the shit that I did.”
I looked at Chet’s face. He had a busted lip and the bruising had slowly gone away. “But I didn’t deserve to call you out like that or beat the shit out of you.”
He shrugged. “I lied about being there for a school shooting to get love from my dad,” he said. “We all have our own fair share of family drama.” He paused. “Thanks for coming over and apologizing.”
