Tears of regret and self-hatred flowed down the length of my cheeks, and I hastily wiped them away as swiftly as my fingertips would allow. I wasn’t a crier, it made me feel weak, and even though Dax was the only person with me, I still tried to hide them. My mom had severe PTSD, so growing up, I had always been the strong one; I had to be. At an early age, I quickly figured out one of us had to take care of the other. More often than not, I was the one uplifting her and suffering as the world’s weight fell upon my body, not hers. It was really easier for everyone involved when things happened in that manner. I could bury my sadness and suffering deep inside my soul, whereas she wore her emotions on the cuff of her sleeve, so to speak, extraordinarily vulnerable for anyone to take notice and strike at any given moment. When you weren’t ever given a choice to react naturally in nearly all situations early on in life, one tended to lean toward the default emotions their system was used to portraying. Habitually, that result bled over into other circumstances of your life without a second thought. It happened to be my defense mechanism from the rest of the world, my impenetrable stonewall. My withdrawn personality was something a lot of people never really understood, including Jeremy. He took it as an insult that I never fully opened up to him, claiming the two of us were never as close as he desired. In reality, it wasn’t anything personal in the direction of him, it was just who I was. I didn’t get extremely personal with anyone, really, with the exception of Dax.
Dax’s blue eyes widened with hatred as my lower lip quivered out the denial the rest of my body refused to accept. I was nearing my breaking point, but I wouldn’t admit Jeremy could force me to that position. Dax saw it, probably before I realized how far I had mentally spiraled. I was on the brink of ripping Jeremy a new fucking windpipe, but thankfully, we were on the phone, not in person. Dax was one of the very few people who had heard the horror stories from my past. How and what I had to do to survive. Ones I never told many people, merely because every time my voice spoke them, I was forced to relive them. Looking back in retrospect, there wasn’t a thing I could have done to prevent them, but it still didn’t erase the scars painfully driven into my soul’s story for all of eternity.
Before I had the chance to respond, Dax’s plump lips spat out the word, “Asshole.”
In record time, I plastered my hand over his mouth, fully aware his one-word response wouldn’t stop there. He and I differed in a lot of ways, this was not an exception. Usually, I managed to control my anger and keep my shitty comments within, not Dax. He was quick to respond on the fly and land the reciprocating person speechless with his verbal attack.
“What exactly did you expect to happen between us, Halle? You spend more fucking time with your roommate than you do with me. I do love you, but enough is enough,” Jeremy snapped, his words seething from between his teeth on the other end of the line. Yet, by the end of his statement, his voice held little emotion. That didn’t seem right to me. He should be yelling as his heart broke the way mine shattered within my chest. The tragedy of this all was I wasn’t grieving the end of our relationship but the realness of my stupidity. He was only saying the words because they needed to be said; they were the ones expected to be spoken in detrimental conditions such as this. It was what any decent human being would be saying in the circumstance unfolding between us right now. He had always let the opinion of others weigh more upon his morality than allowing my outlook on things to hold any significance when the two were being compared, especially if it required him to consider how everything happening would affect me and my feelings. He cared too much about what people thought of him, I didn’t. Not fully. He was the type of guy who was sweet in the beginning, but it didn’t take long to figure out where I landed on his list of priorities. He was a walking explanation of what an inconsiderate asshole looked like. A real narcissistic type.
I didn’t bother giving him an answer, because I couldn’t argue the fact. It was true, I spent more time with Dax than I ever had with him, but there was a huge reason I did so. Dax had always treated me better than Jeremy ever had like he actually valued me and my interests. With Jeremy, he only wanted to do the things I wanted if they were convenient for him or if it was something he too enjoyed. Not to mention the fact Dax and I had years of history, and Jeremy brought about a massive change in our routine. It wasn’t only Dax and me anymore, it was Dax and me and then Jeremy and me. Jeremy was a new variable added to the equation of my life that I had to figure out the precise solution.
In the beginning, I tried to change all of our routines, dividing my time between the two of them. I really put forth an effort. However, somewhere in between Jeremy cheating on me at Zingers, where we both worked, and now, I quit caring a little more with each day that passed. Frankly, I gave up on us long before today, so the tears streaking my face made no sense. If I really had to give them a specific purpose, it would be that I was more disappointed in myself for allowing our relationship to continue than I was that the conclusion came about.
After an exasperated huff, I answered him, “You. Are. Right. Enough is enough, Jeremy. I should have dumped you when I walked in on you balls deep into Rachel on the prep-table, but I was stupid enough to stay and tell you I forgave you all because I didn’t want to be alone. Guess what? I’m not an idiot. I know you don’t give a damn about me. And you know what? I don’t give a shit about you either, asshole!” I yelled into my cell phone, tears of anger replaced those of sadness and blurred my vision. “The worst part is, I did love you at some point. I gave you my heart and well…I guess you decided the best way to show your affection was by shoving your dick into someone else.” The words flew from my mouth in a tangled frenzy before I really had a chance to unravel my thoughts and edit them as I typically did before I completely lost myself to rage.
With a loud scoff, Dax tore the phone from my fingers and dramatically placed it to his ear with a bat of his eyelashes. It took less than a second for him to pull the receiver from his head and stare at it as Jeremy’s voice raised in argument.
“Okay, buddy. You’re. Fucking. Finished. Have a shitty life and reap what you’ve sown, Asshat. Oh, and I hope you get herpes and the fucking clap,” he shouted, ending the call with a tap of his finger and dropped the phone onto the couch cushion between us as he glared at it with disgust.
Thinking of Jeremy’s reaction to Dax’s outburst, my crying lessened and then uncontrollable laughter shook every part of my body. Jeremy was somewhat of an alpha male and a homophobe, so for Dax to get the last word over him in a quarrel was epic. It was something that would eat at Jeremy for a long time. The story he told others in the future would no doubt never depict too much of the actual truth of what happened. It wasn’t his style to admit failure. He would somehow twist this around to make me the horrible person and crown him the victim of it all. Poor pitiful Jeremy, who cheated on me, would somehow be able to convince people he was the one wronged, and I was the enemy.
At this point, I didn’t care about the amount of shit he would talk about me, though. He was toxic. I realized that, and the best thing for me was this breakup. It got him out of my life. The most important person to me, Dax, knew the facts, and it was really all that mattered. Knowing I wouldn’t have to deal with Jeremy anymore, an unintentional relief floated outward from my body the second I learned I was no longer his girlfriend.
Life was far more astounding than anyone ever really gave due credit. Sometimes we were too blind to rescue ourselves from a poisonous situation, we’d already ingested too many contaminants, and by the moment we had, our mind was far too incoherent to grasp reality. At times, it took someone else’s perfect vision to recognize the abomination threatening to consume us. It was as if time withheld their sight until the exact moment water gushed into our lungs. It was only then, fate took pity and gifted them the strength needed to hurl a life preserver into the raging tides with the hope it wasn’t too late to rescue us as we sank to the floor of a bottomless quarry.
Perhaps, every
so often, we were too foolish to save ourselves but needed another person to lead us to our saving grace. For me, that was Dax. He was the rescuer that I was oblivious I needed, and I hoped to someday repay the favor.
“I love you, Dax.”
“I love you too, doll face.”
3
Crash
“Wake up, asshole.” An unfamiliar female voice roused me from sleep as the mattress beneath shook from a shift in weight. My eyes groggily blinked and scanned the room for the owner of the voice, catching a dainty foot with purple painted toenails rise from the mattress, and they sharply poked me in the calf with vengeance.
“I’m awake. What’s with the earthquake and kicking?” I grumbled sitting up and staring at her bottom half as I rubbed my leg. I had no fucking clue who I was dealing with and didn’t plan to let her go Rhonda Rousey on my sac. I was fast to tuck my legs underneath my body and cover what I could of my cock and balls behind my hand, moving them out of her line of fire.
“Ugh. You’re still in my bed,” she complained, huffing as she walked across the room, and then planted her pasty legs covered with skin-tight fishnets in my direct line of sight. Usually, this was the point of the morning after that most looked up to the other person’s face, especially if they didn’t remember the night before. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Even though I was a biker, I wasn’t a walking stereotype. I didn’t do one-night stands and had no interest in the whores who ran around our clubhouse, jumping from dick to dick. I guess I was just a little old fashioned when it came to women and romance. It was the biggest reason I couldn’t look this woman in the face, not yet. I didn’t want to disappoint her or feed her some type of shitty false hope as most men would more than happily do.
“Some people just can’t get the hint.”
Speechless and confused, I continued to glare at the black material stretched across her legs. Although she did have a valid point and I should respond, I remained silent. I had nothing to add. I had absolutely no clue where I was or why I was still here. Not knowing what happened last night, I wasn’t certain how to approach her in conversation. I’d been around plenty of women and learned my lesson, sometimes it was best to keep my mouth fucking closed. Once I opened it, people’s judgment began. Not to mention the fact I had absofuckinglutely no clue what I had already told her last night.
The first thing I should have done after waking up was hit the door running, but I had to find out how I got here. Call it curiosity. The last thing I faintly recalled was killing a handle of Seven with a chick with purple hair. With that last thought, I finally glanced up to her head, equally praying she did have purple hair and hoping she didn’t.
She wore a short neon purple bob cut and was dressed in some absurdly skimpy pink outfit, topped with a black apron with the white lettering that read “Zingers.”
“I…well. Hmmm. I’m naked,” I mumbled, trying to say something intelligible that wouldn’t lead to her kicking me out before I found my clothes. I failed miserably. I choked. It was obvious to both of us I didn’t have on clothes, I had my hand over my dick.
“I’m aware,” flowed from her black-painted lips in disgust as she tossed my jeans on the bed beside me, and her eyes fixated on the ceiling. “Uh. Whatever. Get dressed and get the hell out of my bed. I’m going to be late for work because of you. If I see you again, great, if not, that’s great too. Honestly, I don’t give a shit. I just want you out before I leave.”
“What time is it?” I blurted out, not caring about the current predicament we were in, and all my hesitations stopped. I stumbled to my feet and almost fell over as I jumped into my jeans, remembering I had an interview for housing today.
“It’s two o’clock.”
“Fuck me. I’m going to be late for my interview.”
“Fantastic. We’ve established we’re both busy people and have places to be.” She clapped her hands together. “Get dressed, grab your gear, and get the fuck out.”
She shoved the rest of my belongings against my stomach, and I put them on as quickly as possible. I stop beside her, unsure if I should kiss her and thank her for the night I didn’t remember or if I should keep walking.
She threw her hand up in my face, and her palm whacked against my hesitant lips. “Don’t bother. It isn’t necessary. We didn’t actually do anything. You were naked because you were hot. That. Is. All. Also, just for future reference, I prefer chicks.”
Definitely should have kept walking.
“Well. Have a good one.” I sighed with relief, saluting as I passed her. I only made it two steps, before realizing I didn’t have any idea how to get out of here as I did not remember entering in the first place. Even though it didn’t require a rocket scientist to find a door, I still followed her lead. I had a feeling I had already made a big enough ass of myself with this woman, and I was the first to admit I was an asshole when I was blackout drunk. I should have eaten more yesterday, but when an entire bottle of Seven was dangled in front of my face, I opted for a liquid diet instead. This morning, I was regretting the decision.
“You too.” She nodded and led me to the front door.
After she opened and closed the red door behind us, I exhaled, wondering how I always seemed to get myself into these predicaments. I read the gold numbers “357”, staring at me from the newly painted door, and they seemed oddly familiar. Nothing sparked a memory of why they held a place holder within my confused mind, but a sneaking suspicion told me that I should immediately comprehend why they did.
She zoomed past me so fast, I questioned if she robbed me. Shaking my head, my heart thrummed within my ribcage, and I begged to the world with everything in me that my wallet was still in my back pocket. I hadn’t paid my club dues yet, and if she stole from me, she stole from the Dogs of Chaos as well. I really hoped she wasn’t a fucking thief, if it were true, this wouldn’t end well for anyone involved. Although, I couldn’t blame her too much if she had pocketed my money as collateral damage from last night.
Taking the last two stairs, my fingertips ran the length of my wallet chain, and I tugged on it, hoping to be met with resistance. The fluttering within my chest slowed when the worn-out leather flew outward and dangled at the end of the silver chain-link. I thumbed through the contents and much to my surprise, nothing was missing. Not a single bill was out of place that I could tell. Whoever this chick was, she had to be somewhat trustworthy. She didn’t mug me when she probably had every chance to do so.
My second thought was bitch might have stolen my ride, which should have been my first. I’d only paid it off a few months back, and it would be hard to be a biker without a bike. I checked the belt loop where my D-ring holding my keys normally was and breathed out sweet relief realizing she hadn’t snagged those either. When my eyes landed on the sleek black and chrome of my motorcycle, I was finally able to calm down. She didn’t take my cash or my baby, so everything was more than likely going to go as planned today.
Combing my fingers through my hair, which needed to be washed, I bit my lower lip. “Another fucking one for the books,” I laughed to myself, straddling my Harley and putting the key into the ignition. I lived life without regrets, for the most part, letting occurrences come and go as they did. Never giving too much hesitation of what could have been, because once it occurred, there was no changing it anyway. My father hadn’t instilled morals of great value in the department of life other than that. If it happened, you couldn’t change it. You only held the power to prevent things in the future, and even then, sometimes it was still out of your control.
4
Halle
After the third absolute hard no, I was over the whole idea of adding another roommate into our living arrangement. The first was a tweaker, a crack pipe actually fell out of his coat pocket when he took it off to hang it onto the peg. Dax promptly escorted him back out the door without any of us exchanging a word. The second had higher standards of living than Dax, and that was saying something. She sneered her
nose at our furnishings and shook her head as she left before introducing herself. The third stunk to high heaven, and I considered offering him a shower and a cup of coffee, trying to figure out which smell was worse, his body odor or the stench of booze that wafted outward with each word that left his mouth.
“This is pointless.” I frowned with an exasperated breath, hating myself for putting us through today. Maybe I should have just sat and watched fashion reruns with Dax all day, it would have been time better spent.
“Just one more, doll. One more and then we can veg out, and by that, I mean drink cold brews until our teeth are numb. Today’s my cheat day.” Dax grinned as he rubbed his hands together and licked his lips. He was on a constant diet and only let himself have carbs when he didn’t have an upcoming shoot. I tried to eat healthy with him a handful of times, but my relationship with fried food and bacon grease often outweighed any strength I held over my self-control.
“I’m sure we can find something to do before Clayton D’Aigle arrives. At least his name is fancy. Maybe the rest of him will match,” he said in a chipper tone, flipping through the email from our next interviewee. “But, until then…” he slid his phone in the front pocket of his slacks and pulled a quarter from his pocket, a huge grin covering his face. “We can play quarters.”
Hard Rime Page 2
