Sebastian stared at Jessica and I recognized the look; he’d given it to me more than once. His eyes were dark with desire, his lips parted and a steady pulse throbbed at the base of his neck. She preened under his gaze, a noise similar to a purr bubbling out of her as the swaying intensified, her tiny hips rocking faster and faster, side to side.
I didn’t want to see this, it was bad enough knowing it would happen right outside the home Sebastian and I had started to make for ourselves. I turned my back and started to walk for the house, feeling like if I ran it would somehow make things worse. A low grumble from Sebastian and an answering purr from Jessica sped my feet up. But I didn’t run. Around the back of the house I went, straight to the garden.
I stared at the ground, far enough away that I couldn’t hear anything. A girlish shriek made me jump. On second thought, the back fences needed checking. I ran now to where they couldn’t see me, Nero right behind me, his panting giving him away. Through the tall grass that would have one day been pasture for the kid’s pony I’d hoped to have, past the tall maple we’d tied a rope to for a tire swing, all the way to the back fence where I collapsed to my knees.
Breathing hard, my blood thumping in my ears, I strained to hear any more while at the same time desperately wishing I wouldn’t. My blood slowed, heartrate settling back to a steady beat, and nothing but the birds in the trees and the occasional song of a frog reached me. Nero plunked himself down beside me and rolled on his back, luxuriating in the cool grass. I wish I could be as nonchalant about life, could enjoy even the little moments.
“I can’t do this, not on my own, not by myself,” I whispered, lying on the ground, staring up at the blue sky with the tall, brilliantly green stalks of grass surrounding me, making me feel like a child again. In a daze with my heart numb, I struggled with the jealousy, anger, and pain that warred for my attention. In the back of my mind, I'd thought he would snap out of the drug’s effects, that because he still watched over me, still remembered me, he would come back to himself. That hope was dashed against the reality of what was happening outside the gate.
My head knew that it would be unfair to judge him; he would never have pursued Jessica if he were in his right mind. But that knowledge didn’t change how I felt, or how much it hurt me to see him want her.
I closed my eyes and lay down next to Nero, and when I opened them again, I knew I was dreaming, knew it wasn’t real, but I wanted it to be.
Sebastian stood across the field from me, the summer season having slipped into fall and the grass golden in the fading sunlight. “What are you staring at, babe?”
I laughed and stood, my balance off kilter, and when I looked down I realized why. I was pregnant, and not just a little bit, a lot. I ran my hands over my belly, the babe rolling under my fingertips. “We’re pregnant,” I said, looking to Sebastian for confirmation of what I felt inside me.
He smiled and started toward me. “Of course we are. That’s why I took the shot, remember?”
My elation faded. “No, you didn’t take the shot, couldn’t have, it turns people into monsters.”
Sebastian laughed, and then was suddenly at my side, his hands on my belly. “No one turns into monsters, babe. We are the future, the others, those who didn’t take the shot, they’re the past.” He held a mirror up to my face, and I gasped.
Yellow eyes stared out at me from what looked like my face, a gaunt, emaciated version of me with jaundiced skin pulled tight over the bones. I stared at my arms as the flesh shrunk and the skin stretched showing every sinew and ligament in clear relief. Horror rippled through me, my mouth dry. I clung to my disbelief like a life raft in rough seas.
“No. I can’t take the shot, I can’t,” I said as I backed away from Sebastian.
He didn’t change, didn’t look any different, and then he smiled, a big toothy grin that showed me row upon row of shark teeth glinting down on me. He lunged. I gasped as I sat bolt upright in the long grass, my hand going to my stomach.
Sebastian and I had made love several times since he’d taken the shot. Was my subconscious trying to tell me something, or was my mind playing tricks on me?
15
I walked slowly back to the house and peeked around the edge to see the front gate still standing, with no one there, not even Scout.
That was it then, Sebastian was gone with them now, Jessica and him a pair. I let my mind sit on that, accept it for fact, and then slipped into the house, going straight to the bathroom. I flipped open the calendar and looked at the little “P” that I’d put on the dates that I had my period and my breath caught in my throat. With all the upheaval, I hadn’t noticed that not only was I late, I was almost due for a second period.
I threw myself to my knees and ripped open the bathroom cupboard. Toilet paper, towels and bars of soap went flying out behind me. Nero yelped when something bounced off him, but I continued my search for the pregnancy test I knew was in there somewhere.
“Where the hell is it?” I yelled just as my fingertips brushed up against a rectangular box that I knew was pale pink before I even pulled it out. I ripped the package open and stared at the instructions. I knew the drill, drop your pants, pee on the stick, and wait for two minutes.
The waiting was the hardest part. I sat on the edge of the tub and stared at the stick resting perfectly flat on the edge of the sink, counting to 120 under my breath.
“. . . 115, 116, 117, 118. Close enough.” I stood, walked to the sink and looked down to see a perfect pink plus sign.
I didn’t know whether to be happy or terrified; both emotions rushed through me, swinging from one to the other and back again. I placed my hand on my stomach. I had to figure out how far along I was. The first time we’d made love after he took the shot was . . . I counted back in my head, using the calendar for a reference. It was six and a half weeks ago.
“I can’t go to Dan’s. I can’t risk you little one.” I touched my stomach as a new and even more terrifying thought assailed me. The baby had been conceived when Sebastian had the Nevermore drug flowing through his system. What would happen to him or her? Would the child be born as a Nevermore or as a human? I shook off the questions that, at the moment, didn’t matter. Until the baby made it here safely, there was no point in borrowing trouble.
I made my way downstairs and counted the food I had, already knowing the outcome, but needing to see it anyway. There was no way it was enough to see me through nine months of pregnancy and the first few months of motherhood that I would need it to. If I was careful I could make it stretch for a few more weeks, closer to the end of my first trimester. At that point I would have to make a supply run, several in fact, if I was going to make it.
Resolve filled me as I considered the alternative. A certainty that I could do this, if not for myself then for the child I was carrying, the last connection I had with Sebastian. I sat down and started to make a list of all the things I would need, not just for myself, but for the baby too: diapers or cloth to make diapers, bottles, formula, blankets, and clothes. Crap, baby clothes might be hard; we lived in an area of retirees.
“Not that I’m complaining little one, but your entry into my life sure has turned things upside down.”
I smiled, thinking about having the baby, tried not to think about all the things that could go wrong or that I would be by myself for the delivery. I scrubbed my hands over my eyes, exhausted despite the nap I had in the field. Climbing the stairs, my legs feeling like lead, I snuggled into bed. Nero curled up beside me as I breathed in the scent of Sebastian’s aftershave on his pillow, for the first time in days, not feeling completely lost, feeling like there was a purpose to me being here and a reason to fight to stay alive.
16
Over the next three weeks, I was careful not to do anything too strenuous while still attempting to keep things going. I hauled water every day, just smaller amounts; I checked fences still, only slower. I even managed to get some carrots to grow. They were a long way from edible,
but the piss-poor fencing job I’d put up around the small garden patch was at least keeping the deer and rabbits out. Not to mention Nero ran after everything that moved; rabbits, crows, and deer included, which helped with the critter control.
I looked back on the calendar to see how far along I’d been when I miscarried the first time. Only about five weeks, which I was well past now. There was a small bump by late evenings from the bloat, that if you didn’t know me you’d think I’d been slacking on my workouts and had developed a bit of a paunch.
I told stories to the baby every night, mostly about Sebastian and how we’d met, and then I’d sing until I fell asleep, my bedroom window open and the cool summer night air breezing in. The pack was remarkably silent during this time, so much so that it was easy to forget they were even there. Scout only checked on the gate once, and I found myself smiling and waving at him, happy to see someone other than the local wildlife. Of course, I suppose he was part of the local wildlife. Even Nero had given up barking at Scout, settling for a minor growl and a lip curl. I didn’t correct him for that, as far as I was concerned at some point he would be a big dog and it was good for him to learn now who to mistrust. Everyone but me.
Three weeks and two days into finding out I was pregnant, I was down to the last two cans of food, both beans. It was early in the morning, just as the colour was beginning to change the sky. Today was the day.
“This is it,” I said. “Okay, baby, we have to make a hard trip, probably several, and I don’t want you to be afraid. I’ll protect you, no matter what.” I ran my hands over my belly, stroking the hard bump, wishing I could hold the little one.
I took my list and tucked it into the back pocket of my jeans, grateful now more than ever that there was some weight loss before I got pregnant; otherwise, I’d be looking for fat clothes for me along with food and clothes for the baby.
My kitchen knife slid into a homemade sheath that went on my belt for easy access, one of those projects I managed to do while essentially waiting for the food to run out. Then the last two cans of beans went into the bag along with a can opener. I was worried I might have to stay in other homes where there was no food. Better to be over-prepared than caught out in the open like a fool. I patted Nero on the head and left him in the house. This was not going to be a walk he would join me on.
I peeked out the front bay window before leaving, hoping the pack was there, but not expecting it. If they were at the gate, I was less likely to run into them on the back trail. Movement at the gate surprised me.
Sebastian leapt from the shadows where he’d sat the first few days after he’d removed himself from the farm, his eyes wide as he stared at me. I stepped out onto the front porch, my heart pounding in my throat.
I swallowed hard, aware that my emotions were even closer to the surface with all the hormones rushing through me. I had to stop thinking of him as my husband. Sebastian was gone, even if his body was still here. Even so, I had to say something to him. I had to more for me than for him.
“Sebastian, if you’re still in there, it’s okay. I don’t like that you and Jessica . . .” I had barely said her name when he started to shake his head.
I frowned, wondering if it was just a nervous tick. It had been over four weeks since he had turned; I didn’t want to fool myself into believing he was still in there, still Sebastian underneath it all. I didn’t want to go through that pain again of losing him.
“Jessica is a good girl. It’s okay, I understand.” It wasn’t okay, and I didn’t understand, but I could keep those thoughts to myself.
Again, though, he shook his head, this time adding a frown for good measure. Did he mean what I think he did? As if to punctuate that he didn’t, Jessica took that moment to come screaming out of the bush, half naked, hands flailing as she attacked Sebastian. The ferocity of her attempt shocked me, and Sebastian shoving her hard was even more of a shock. She tumbled to the ground and lay there breathing hard, her bare breasts heaving.
Seeing me, she screeched and snapped her teeth at me, and I gave an involuntary step back. A sly look slid over her face and in a flash she was completely naked, the rest of her clothes strewn about the ground, swinging her hips and touching her own body as she tried to entice Sebastian. He looked at her and shook his head. Turning his back on her, he faced me, again shaking his head.
When she wouldn’t leave, he turned and roared at her, making her cringe away from him as she scooped up her clothes and ran back to the bush, snarling and snapping the whole way.
“Bastian?” My voice was soft as I could make it without whispering. I don’t remember walking to the gate, but suddenly I was there, well within reaching distance. Sebastian stepped close, his eyes strange and yet, somehow, I could see that he was still my husband, the man I loved and the father of our child. Fear tickled at the back of my neck, but I pushed it away and focused on the love.
I reached out and he flinched. “Please,” I said. “Give me your hand.”
Sebastian stood still for so long I wasn’t sure he understood, until ever so slowly he raised his hand, offering it to me. The back of it was covered in the faint lines that shadowed so much of the bodies of those who took the drug, designs that look suspiciously like the flower on the broom plants.
His skin was cool to the touch, far cooler than it should have been, but I revelled in the touch of skin on skin.
With a suddenness that sent me reeling, Sebastian snarled and snatched his hand out of mine, slicing his own arm as he ripped it back through the gate. I stumbled backwards and fell, instinctively rolling to protect my belly.
Tears filled my eyes, not from the pain in my body, but the pain in my heart. “Bastian,” I whispered, choking on his name.
His eyes softened, and he crouched down and reached once more through the gate. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t trust him. With a sob, I stood and ran to the back of the house, gave Nero a pat and grabbed my backpacks. I brushed the tears away and took a deep cleansing breath. There was no going back. Sebastian might have been fighting his natural inclinations, but even I could see that the drug was too strong.
17
The broom was mostly out of bloom now, the seed pods hanging heavy on the branches, ready to germinate for next year’s crop of hateful plants.
I walked as swiftly as I could, not wanting to run and crash through the bush unless I had to, knowing that every sound I made could draw the pack down on me. Stepping lightly, I avoided twigs and piles of branches, pushed overhanging limbs out of my way, and gently let them go back into place.
Twenty minutes into my hike, a shiver went down my spine and I froze. I’d only felt this way once before, when Sebastian and I had gone to Dan’s and the bear had jumped out at us. I turned slowly to see Bob, as Dan had called him, on his hind legs sniffing at the air. Bob was thin, far thinner than he should have been for the middle of the summer season. No doubt the pack was direct competition for him and his regular food sources.
“Now, Bob, I know you don’t like me, but remember what Dan said.” I hoped I could talk my way out of this, though my body was trembling, the adrenaline coursing through me.
Bob grunted and dropped to all fours, again sniffing the air. Maybe the pack smelled different than regular humans? It would make sense. Bob took one step toward me, and I took a step back. He gave a snort and pawed at the ground. With great care and slow movements, I took my bag from my back and took out one of my precious cans of beans. The can opener clicked as the lid popped off and the scent of molasses covered legumes filled the air.
“See, Bob, I’m a nice girl. I’m going to give you these beans and then I’m going to leave.” I put the open can on the ground. It was a sacrifice, but I had to make it if I wanted even a chance at more food.
Bob sniffed the air and let out a low grunt. As he padded close to the can, I backed up, grateful his attention was solely on the food. I kept backing up till I rounded a corner, then turned and ran. I pushed myself as far as my adrena
line and legs would take me then stopped to listen, my ears straining for any sound. No bear behind me, and the birds were still chirping. That had to be a good sign.
Another five minutes and I came to a six-way intersection, the trail to the right flagged with a red kerchief. “Thank you, Dan, even if you were a miserable old coot,” I said and headed down the marked path. What I found though was something less than what I was hoping for.
Dan hadn’t made it home from our place, at least that’s what it looked like. His army boots, shredded pants, and tattered shirt were spread around a veritable pile of bones. His rifle had been pushed to the side, untouched and unused for fear of drawing more Nevermores. Or maybe he’d been hit from behind and never had a chance. I would never know.
“I’m so sorry, Dan,” I whispered as I bent to retrieve the rifle and ammo belt, quickly looking for any other useful things on his body. It wasn’t a nice task, but necessary.
In the one intact pocket of his pants was something that let me know I did have guardian angels watching over me. Dan’s house key.
Crouched over Dan’s bones, I again had a feeling of being watched. “Come on, Bob,” I said, “I only have one can left.” I turned to see not Bob behind me, but Sebastian.
We stared at one another, no gate between us, nothing to stop him from attacking me, as his pack would do if they found me out in the bush.
I took a deep breath and stood slowly, my one hand still holding the rifle, the other gripping the key. Sebastian watched me, his expression not changing or giving me any hint to what he was thinking. I looked up the trail the way I was headed, then back to Sebastian.
I licked my lips. There was nothing between us now, no gate to save me, only the rifle, if I dared use it. I set the rifle on the ground and walked slowly toward Sebastian, my heart pounding, my head screaming for me to run. There was one thing that might keep Sebastian from attacking me, but it was a roll of the dice.
Darlings of Decay Page 36
