A do-over.
I had wanted to move on, to leave the past where it belonged- in the past. At Dartmouth. A good five hundred miles away from where I now was. But how could I possibly do that with Luke turning up here? How could I forget about everything that had happened when he alone had the power to dredge it all back up again? When he could shatter the fragile peace, the hard fought success, I’d found over the last two months?
I couldn’t.
He doesn’t smile before saying with just a hint of uncertainty, “Do you have a few minutes to talk?” His blueish-gray hazel eyes hold mine tentatively as if he’s silently feeling me out. Picking through all the secrets I’ve been holding locked deep inside.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to say no but… I need to know what he wants. Maybe if I give him a few moments of my time, he’ll leave me alone. For the last week it feels as if everywhere I look, there he is. Unexpectedly turning up at the same places I’m at. I want to believe it’s nothing more than a string of coincidences and that I’m a paranoid freak on top of everything else… but something tells me that’s not the case.
Chewing my bottom lip, I finally hedge, “I only have a couple of minutes and then I’ve got to be somewhere.” That’s a lie. I don’t have anywhere else to be… but I don’t want him knowing that. If nothing else comes out of this, he needs to understand that there is absolutely nothing between us. Nor is there a reason for us to ever speak again. As that thought slams through me, guilt, just as swiftly, follows.
Because he saved me that night.
Saved me from ugly unspeakable things…
Things I can’t bear to dwell on because if I do, my body becomes gripped by those terrifyingly familiar feelings of anxiety. My chest will tighten. Nausea will churn in my belly. My hands become clammy with perspiration. Thoughts race along with my pulse.
And then I can’t breathe.
It feels as if I’m being choked from the inside out. For the past ten months, those debilitating feelings of anxiety have been my constant companion. I’ve only started to master the symptoms through relaxation, breathing techniques, and regular sessions with my therapist. I can’t- no, I won’t allow someone from my past to just show up and derail all my hard work.
Even as those thoughts swirl through my head, as much as I want to forget, there’s a tiny part within me that wonders if maybe it’s something I need to remember.
Because Luke was there when no one else was.
Without him… I can’t even finish that thought.
“That’s fine,” he murmurs before asking, “Is the Union alright?”
Already regretting this decision, I give in, slowly nodding my head. “Sure.” Ten minutes… Fifteen at the most. That’s more than enough time to figure out what he wants from me. Then hopefully we can both move on with our lives. Because that’s all I’ve been trying to do for the past ten and a half months.
A three minute hike made in awkward silence to the center of campus where the Student Union is located feels downright unbearable. When we finally arrive, we head straight to the Starbucks-like coffee shop. Luke orders us both medium coffees before we find a table buried way in the back that offers a little more privacy away from the pool tables and groups of people who are milling around in between classes.
Taking a small tentative sip of the scalding hot drink, I wait with tense, hunched shoulders for him to say something. Prickly nerves careen their way through my belly as I hold my breath. Warily my eyes watch him from across the table that separates us.
A silent stretch of uncomfortableness is just starting to settle over the table when he suddenly clears his throat. “You remember me from Dartmouth, don’t you?”
Everything within me stills.
I wasn’t expecting that to be the first thing out of his mouth. For just a second or two, I consider lying. I want to. Then I can just get the hell out of here. But I’m so tired of all the lies and the secrets. He asked me here for a reason and I need to know what it is.
Gnawing my bottom lip, I finally admit, “Yes, I remember.” God knows I don’t want to. In fact, I’ve done my absolute best to forget everything about that night last December.
But I just can’t…
With him sitting across from me, his blue-gray eyes latched onto mine, it’s all so fresh and vivid.
And I hate it.
Hate that he’s able to bring it all rushing back to the surface again.
A small tremor slides through me as my mind tumbles back in time.
Releasing my eyes, his gaze drops to his steaming cup of coffee before capturing them once more. “Ten days ago, when we were dancing at that party… I didn’t realize it was you.” Then he corrects himself. “Not right away.”
Actually, I hadn’t recognized him either. We were just dancing, having fun at some off campus fraternity party. A few days after that, Cole and I ran into Luke at a restaurant. He’d told Cole that he thought he knew me from a different school. And then he started asking me questions about Dartmouth.
That’s when it had all clicked jarringly into place...
Seeing him, realizing exactly who he was, had rocked me to the core. It’s been almost a week since that happened and I’ve been walking around, absolutely terrified that he would say something. That he would spill all my secrets.
Breaking into my silent reverie, he adds quietly, “At first I thought I was just imagining it.” He lifts his eyes to mine before sifting carefully through my shuttered gaze as if searching for answers. “After what happened last year… I tried finding you. I wanted to make sure you were okay, but you just disappeared from campus.” His eyes take on a faraway quality as if he too is remembering what happened ten and a half months ago before confessing, “I couldn’t get you out of my mind after that. Not knowing what happened to you only made it worse.”
Just as his eyes are probing mine with questions he has yet to ask, I’m doing very much the same to his. It feels almost surreal to sit across from someone who is nothing more than a stranger and yet… and yet will forever be intertwined with my story. Because he will always be the one who rescued me from a situation that could have ended tragically for me.
His hand reaches out almost tentatively before gently covering mine. “I’ve spent the last year wondering what happened to the girl I found up in that bedroom. Sometimes it felt like the more I tried pushing you from my mind, the more you stayed with me.” His lips tilt up sardonically at the corners. “I started to wonder if maybe I’d conjured you up at that frat party ten days ago. It seemed impossible that it could really be you.” His eyes rake over every inch of my face almost as if he’s still trying to convince himself that I’m real. “You look different than you did last year.”
My heart hammers uncomfortably as my eyes fall from his intense gaze to our intimately clasped hands. “I’m in a much better place than I was before. A lot healthier.”
With a small smile curving his lips upward, he nods in agreement. “You look great.” He flushes slightly before correcting himself, “I mean- happy. You look happy. It’s good to see.”
Clearing my throat, I whisper, “I’m a lot happier now than I was at Dartmouth.” I don’t even want to think about what a mess I was last year. Anxiety and depression. Out of control drinking. The indiscriminant hook ups. It took hours upon hours of therapy to help get all that under control.
It never occurred to me that what happened that night last December might have affected Luke. I just assumed he would have forgotten about that whole unfortunate incident… or that I would have been the fucked-up-girl-story he laughed about with his friends in the morning. Our interaction had been so fleeting and random.
My eyes arrow to his as I inhale a steady breath.
Even though I absolutely hate telling people about what happened to me, I think maybe he deserves to know how it all unfolded. He’s the only one who helped me the entire semester I was at Dartmouth. It’s a harsh truth that my mind continually shies away from.<
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As I stare into his concerned depths, I realize that it might just be cathartic for both of us. For me to say the words out loud and for him to hear them. Not knowing what else to do, I start from the beginning. I tell him about playing hockey while growing up and how by the time I was eleven, playing on a girls triple A travel team, my dad had pretty much mapped out my entire high school and college hockey career. I tell him about the continual pressure to push through to the next level and how I had given up everything else, including a social life, just so I could focus on getting a scholarship to play at Dartmouth.
My life consisted of extra practices, a strict workout schedule and diet, private skating lessons as well as advanced placement classes that would make me academically competitive. I may not have been an Olympian or professional athlete, but I sure as hell trained like one.
By the time I started my freshman year in mid-August, I was a stressed out, burnt out mess. And it all went downhill from there. Without my dad there to structure my time and activities, I felt strangely lost. Almost from day one, I found myself buried under an avalanche of classwork as well as the team practice and workout schedule. Instead of excelling like I’d always done in the past, I was failing across the board. I was drowning in a sea of unknown faces.
Instead of asking for help, I fell into a pattern of binge drinking and hooking up with random guys in an attempt to numb the pain and forget about the real problems I was struggling with. All of which eventually led to the disastrous night Luke found me up in that bedroom at an off campus house party. A thick shudder runs the length of my body even thinking about it.
I’d been fooling around with some guy I knew. We’d been on the verge of having sex when two other guys walked in. They’d wanted to watch. I had tried to leave but they wouldn’t let me. They’d held me down and even though I’d been drunk, I knew all three of them would end up raping me. That’s when Luke knocked open the door and found me.
The entire time I speak, he merely holds my hand, squeezing it every once in a while when there’s something particularly painful as if he wants me to know that I’m no longer alone. His eyes never once release mine from their blue-gray intensity. Even when I wish they would stray, his penetrating hazel gaze stays locked on mine, silently supporting me the entire time.
When I finally finish, I sit back in my chair feeling emotionally exhausted. And yet, strangely, I feel as if a few more of the shackles from my past have inexplicably fallen away. Unclasping our hands, Luke suddenly reaches across the table before softly stroking my cheek with gentle fingers. My wide gaze fastens onto the intensity I see burning brightly in his eyes. I feel almost blindsided when the tender slide of his fingers send an unexpected shiver racing across my flesh. More bizarre is that it isn’t fear or anxiety threading its way through me either.
No, it’s something else entirely and that frightens me more than anything else.
It doesn’t make sense that someone other than Cole could have penetrated the thick protective armor I’ve cocooned myself in ever since that night.
“I’m just relieved you’re okay, Cassidy.” His fingers continue gliding carefully over my skin and I can’t help but hold perfectly still, barely drawing in breath. “I don’t know how we both ended up here at Western, but I’m glad we did. I’m glad we have this opportunity to get to know one another.”
I snap my head into a quick little nod as thick tendrils of confusion rush through every cell of my body. In the back of my mind, it occurs to me that I really shouldn’t be letting him touch me like this. But there’s this strange new bond connecting us in a way I never expected. Even though I don’t necessarily want to, I lean back until his hand is forced to fall away from my face.
As much as I want to pull my eyes from his… I can’t.
This is all starting to feel…
Quickly I shake my head to dislodge that thought before it can take root within my mind. Without thinking, I blurt out, “I’m with Cole.” Then, almost instantly, I feel like an idiot for doing so. A dull flush slowly crawls up my cheeks because he hadn’t exactly been… flirting. But it had still felt somehow intimate.
I’m not used to letting people in so easily. For the last ten and a half months, I’ve worked hard to keep people from getting too close. It’s strange and uncomfortable to feel so at ease with Luke. But I can’t deny that I do.
Instead of trying to blow off my words and their meaning, he says instead, “I know.”
It only strengthens the notion that I haven’t misinterpreted the vibes he’s putting out there. They’re real.
He’s quiet for just a moment before adding softly, “I wish you weren’t.” Finally he rips his eyes from mine and everything within me collapses as I exhale a shaky breath. Then his gaze unexpectedly slices back, pinning me in place once again. “I-I can’t explain it… and I know it doesn’t make sense but I feel very protective of you, Cassidy.”
A tiny unwelcome thrill slides its way through me at his words. I’m not quite sure what’s happening between us but it suddenly feels as if I’m betraying Cole. I lean away from the table needing to place more distance between us. “I’m a lot better now, Luke. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“Even though I had no idea where you were or what happened to you, I still thought about you all the time. And now that you’re here, I don’t know if I can just turn it off.” For just a moment he looks as confused as I feel.
A shiver slides through me as my voice lowers, because I have to know. Know if what I’m feeling is wrong. “Have you been following me?”
His eyes flare wide and almost instantly I feel ridiculous for suggesting it.
Instead of denying my words, he hedges just a bit before saying, “I did show up at your practice. I wanted to watch you skate. I remember you from the girls’ team last year. You were such a good player. I’m glad you didn’t quit.”
Taking another deep breath, I gently place my hand over his before giving it a little squeeze. “I’ve been playing for a few weeks now. It’s just the intramural team but I like it. It’s turning out to be a lot of fun. And there’s no pressure. Not like before.” Pausing for just a moment, I add softly, “I’ve got everything under control.” With one final squeeze, I slowly pull my hand away so that we’re no longer touching because doing so feels… dangerous somehow.
Like a match to kindling.
And I don’t want anything exploding between us.
His eyes scrutinize mine, searching them for answers to questions he has yet to ask. And that scares me. Because I can’t give him anything more than what I already have. “I’m glad you’re doing so well.”
Hoping to reassure him, I smile again. “I am.” For just a moment it feels like maybe I’ve overreacted to the situation and the peculiar feelings that have sprung up so quickly between us. After today, he’ll go his way and I can go mine. And maybe, at some point, we’ll run into each other again. We can be friendly. Or maybe even friends. Who knows?
It takes a moment for me to realize that I actually want us to be friends. It’s kind of funny just how much I was trying to avoid him and now… now there is a history that has bonded us unexpectedly together.
“Does Cole know what happened last year?”
Averting my gaze, I give a stiff little nod. I still feel guilty for not trusting him enough to be upfront with him about my past. “I didn’t tell him right away,” I admit quietly. But like a magnet, my gaze immediately arrows back to his. “When you said something at the restaurant… that night… he didn’t know. That’s why I lied about it, lied about knowing you.”
Cocking his head to the side, he clarifies, “But he knows everything now?”
“Yes.”
When I’d met Cole two months ago, I hadn’t been looking for a relationship. I hadn’t been emotionally ready for one. And the last thing I’d wanted was to explain my past to someone who would then turn around and judge me for all the mistakes I’d made. It had taken me a while to trust
Cole enough to share my past with him.
In hindsight, I should have known that he wouldn’t judge or think any less of me. But still, stripping yourself bare is always scary. And divulging my past, all my mistakes and failures, hadn’t been an easy thing to do.
Luke’s eyes turn fierce and something within me constricts. “You have nothing to be ashamed of. You know that, right?”
I give him a sad little smile because the truth of the matter is that I’m still really embarrassed about everything that happened last fall. I made a lot of mistakes. Failing out of school. Losing my scholarship. Getting kicked off the hockey team. Drinking. Sleeping around. All of which had led to a broken relationship with my family.
“I’m still working on that part.”
“Everyone makes mistakes,” he murmurs softly. “None of us are perfect.”
I blow out a long slow breath. “I know. It’s just…” My words trail off for a long moment as I search for the right words. “It’s hard to live with.”
“Regret is always hard to live with.”
We’re both silent as those words hang suspended in the air between us.
“Look, I know you’re seeing Cole,” he pauses, suddenly shifting in his chair as if he’s uncomfortable, “but there’s something between us, Cassidy.” Glancing away, he runs his hand quickly over the back of his neck before his eyes arrow to mine again. “Whatever this is, I’ve never felt anything like it before. It’s unsettling to feel so strongly about someone I barely know.”
I nod, feeling very much the same way. Which is exactly where the confusion springs from because I’m not exactly sure what to do with all these strange emotions that are careening unwantedly through me.
Before sitting down with Luke today, I had been angry that he was trying to intrude upon my life. I was afraid he would tell Cole all the ugly details he had firsthand knowledge of. And I was embarrassed and ashamed that he had seen me at my worst. He’d seen me naked and wasted. Being held down by three drunken guys. I can’t help but shudder as that night rears its ugly head within my memories.
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