It’s not like Cole and I are together anymore.
There have been so many times when I’ve picked up the phone wanting to shoot Cole a text. But I haven’t. And thank god I’m not a drinker or I probably would have drunk dialed him a hideous amount of times.
Sammy’s words really struck a nerve with me and even though it’s been about four days since we sat down and talked after practice, they’re still rolling around in my head like marbles.
At least Sammy and I have smoothed things over and our friendship has surprisingly fallen back into the easy comradery that it once was. I no longer have to worry about her knocking the shit out of me on the ice.
The hour slips by in a flurry of packing and before I know it, Luke is texting that he’s waiting outside. Brooklyn and I take one last look around our room before hustling down to meet him with our bags in tow. As soon as he sees us come through the glass doors of our building, he gets out of his truck and opens the trunk before setting our bags next to his.
“Hey.” He greets us both with a smile before opening the backdoor for Brooklyn and then the front passenger door for me. As he’s walking around the hood of the truck, Brooklyn whispers, “I think someone is happy to finally have you all to himself.”
Without even looking at her, I mutter, “We’re friends. Just. Friends,” I annunciate.
She smirks. “Plus, you didn’t even call shotgun and you’re the one who gets to ride up front.”
There’s no time to respond as Luke opens the driver’s side door and slides in next to me. A moment later, the truck roars to life and we’re rolling away from Western University and out of the small town of Oakton. The three of us chat for a while about all sorts of things before falling into a comfortable silence as music fills the inside of his truck.
There are a few times during the drive that I find myself studying Luke. With his short blond hair and his blue-gray hazel eyes, he really is good looking. He’s a shade shorter than Cole, which means that he’s still over six feet and just a little broader in the shoulders.
The guy is totally crush-worthy. No doubt about it. And I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I find him attractive. Because I do. That attraction, coupled with the connection we already have, just seems to intensify everything I feel for him.
But it doesn’t make it any less confusing. I’m just not sure if I’m ready to take that next step with him.
Since I haven’t heard from Cole since our disastrous lunch, I’m guessing that whatever we had is over with. In all honesty, I don’t know if I want to get tangled up in another relationship. I remember how hesitant I was to even get involved with Cole at the beginning. Maybe it’s smarter at this point to just focus on my classes and take a break from relationships.
Lost in the tangle of my thoughts, I don’t realize that I’m full out staring at Luke until he turns his head, meeting my eyes. As our gazes collide, a hot blush creeps its way up my cheeks as I yank mine away before quickly looking out the window.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks quietly.
Forcing myself to meet his eyes again, I say honestly, “That it’s probably best for me to focus on classes right now and not get caught up in all the social stuff.”
He nods as if agreeing before his eyes slide back to the road in front of him. Mine do the same. “You mean get caught up in a relationship?”
My wide gaze slides slowly back to his. “Yeah.”
Nodding again, his right hand slips carefully around mine. For a long moment, I simply stare down at our entwined fingers feeling just a little bit startled by the connection before my eyes slowly lift to his. With his thumb, he rubs soft little circles across my flesh.
Filled with unease, I glance over my shoulder at Brooklyn only to realize that she’s sacked out with her earbuds in.
“She fell asleep about fifteen minutes ago,” he adds as if he can read my mind. It’s almost disconcerting that he’s so in sync with me.
“Oh.” That’s the best I’ve got to offer at the moment.
Oh.
Whatever is unfolding between us in the front seat of his truck feels kind of… dangerous. I’m not sure if I’m ready for our relationship to progress past friendship. Because when it comes down to it, I’m still hung up on Cole. I probably shouldn’t be getting involved with anyone at this point.
Out of the corner of my eye, I watch his brows draw together. His eyes flick in my direction. “Are you okay with this?” Gently he squeezes my fingers. “Because I don’t want to push you into something you’re not ready for.”
For just a moment everything freezes within me. The last guy to hold my hand was Cole. Alright… the only guy to ever hold my hand was Cole. I’m not sure if I’m ready to feel someone else touching me like this.
But at the same time, it feels kind of… nice.
“Cassidy?” he prompts softly. His eyes dart my way as we continue driving down the highway towards home.
Finally my gaze slides back to his again and I can’t help but suck in a deep breath before realizing that I don’t want him to let go. Just as he starts to unclasp his fingers from mine, the word shoots out of my mouth, “No.”
Almost instantly he stills. His eyes, so full of questions, arrow to mine again. “No?”
“Don’t let go,” I whisper thickly. My voice feels oddly low. Whether he realizes it or not, this is a big deal for me. I don’t allow many people in. And other than Cole, I haven’t had a real relationship. So, yeah, even though Luke is only holding my hand, it’s a major thing.
I think he realizes it as well because for the rest of the ride, he does nothing more than clasp my hand in his larger one. He simply allows me to get used to the feel of him touching me.
The miles slip by quickly after that shared moment between us. Brooklyn sleeps the entire way making it feel as if Luke and I are alone in the truck. Almost from the beginning, my friendship with Luke has been an easy one. And even though we’re sitting here holding hands, nothing really feels any different.
By the time we roll up to Brooklyn’s house which is right next door to mine, Brooklyn has finally woken up and Luke is no longer holding my hand. When he exits the truck to get Brooklyn’s bag, she suddenly leans forward before whispering, “Now that was a rather interesting turn of events.”
She gives me a little wink before jumping out of the truck and thanking Luke for the ride. Just as I’m about to open my door and get out, Luke slides in beside me again.
“I’ll drive you over.” He gives me a small smile before starting up the truck. Less than twenty seconds later, he’s pulling into my driveway next door. That’s when my eyes lock on the house I grew up in. My mind tumbles back to when Cole and I snuck in two months ago to retrieve my hockey equipment.
The memory of that, of how angry my dad had been when he’d caught us, slices clean through me. Feeling oddly paralyzed, I sit staring at the house looming in front of us from the safety of Luke’s truck. It’s the feel of his hand squeezing mine again that finally knocks me out of the strange trance that has fallen over me.
“Sorry,” I smile weakly. Even though I’ve met with my parents several times, sitting here in the driveway of my childhood home, the one I hadn’t been allowed to return to after my failure, feels… scary.
It’s surprising to realize that I’m almost afraid to walk through the front door. Afraid that this isn’t going to turn out the way I imagined it would. Maybe that saying- you can never go home again is really true. The last thing I want is for the next couple of days to feel awkward and uncomfortable. Have I rushed things by coming home for Thanksgiving, foolishly thinking that everything would somehow fall neatly back into place between all of us?
It’s a jarring thought.
My chest suddenly feels as if it’s tightening up, making it difficult to breathe. Closing my eyes, I inhale a deep breath before slowly pushing it out, desperately trying to rein in my out of control feelings.
If I allow myself to keep
thinking like this, I will have a full out anxiety attack.
Relax, I tell myself. Just relax.
Luke’s words are gentle when they finally wash over me and I’m glad to be distracted by the low timbre of his voice. “Hey,” he squeezes my hand again, “are you okay?” Softly his fingers stroke over my cheek. “Cassidy, look at me.” When I finally do, he carefully searches my gaze.
Luke must see the fear and panic rising within my wide eyes because ever so slowly he pulls me into the warm comfort of his arms. I squeeze my eyes tightly shut as his arms wrap around me before resting my head against the solid strength of his chest. And then I just continue to breathe.
I suck in great big gulps before pushing them out slowly.
“Keep breathing,” he whispers softly against the shell of my ear. I focus on the low cadence of his words. It takes about three or four minutes before I find myself gradually relaxing against him. Once I’ve calmed myself down again, he murmurs, “We can leave right now if you want. I’ll take you to my house or back to school.” Pulling away, he searches my eyes. “Is that what you want?”
Blowing out a long slow breath I turn his words over in my head realizing that I don’t really want to leave. My parents haven’t done anything to make me think that this weekend isn’t going to be a step in the right direction for all of us. I guess I’m just scared that this homecoming will end in disaster leaving my family and me just as broken as we were before. Suddenly it feels as if there is so much pressure resting on the outcome of these next few days.
I didn’t realize I was feeling so stressed over it until now.
“No, I don’t want that,” I finally whisper against him. Because I need to give this a chance. I want my family back in my life and this is the only way it’s going to happen.
With his hand on my cheek, he continues stroking my flesh gently. “You’re going to be fine, Cassidy. And if it’s not, you call me and I’ll pick you up. No matter what. Okay?”
He searches my eyes again with those brilliant blue-gray depths of his and I realize that just hearing him say those words, knowing that I’m not stuck here if everything tanks, makes all the difference in the world. “Thank you, Luke.” Feeling embarrassed, I glance away before mumbling, “Sorry for falling apart like that.”
His fingers gently lift my chin until I’m once again holding his eyes. “We’re friends.” Then he surprises me by gently pressing his lips against mine. It lasts no longer than a moment. “And friends are always there for each other.”
I’m not sure what to say. I’m still feeling slightly stunned by that kiss. I mean, it wasn’t this big huge kiss but still…
Once again, he breaks into my jumbled thoughts. “Come on, I’ll walk you to the door.”
Hoisting a smile, I finally nod. “Okay.” And then we’re both exiting the truck and Luke is carrying my small suitcase up the brick walkway. Before we’ve even made it to the porch, the door is thrown wide open as both Lexie and Miranda barrel down the walkway. Both of them are squealing as they hurtle their small compact bodies into my open arms. And then I’m hugging them tightly against me.
“I missed you so much, Cassy!”
My little sisters have always called me Cassy and it brings a sudden rush of tears to my eyes to hear them call me it again. It takes me a moment to realize that my parents are standing in the open doorway. Both of them have easy smiles on their faces. And seeing their cheerfulness makes the anxiety of moments ago slowly melt away like snow in April.
My dad stretches a hand out towards Luke who, believe it or not, I’ve completely forgotten about. Straightening up, I introduce Luke to my parents. He shakes both their hands before saying hello to my little sisters as I introduce them one by one. Rather amusingly, they both act shy, hiding behind me all the while peeking out and giggling at him. The thick tension that had been welling up within me has now completely dissolved with the familiar antics of my siblings. With a big smile lighting up my face, I roll my eyes at Luke. He grins right back at me.
My dad sizes him up before speculation erupts in his ocean blue eyes. I shake my head subtly in response. I really don’t need my parents thinking that I’m hopping from one guy to another.
That gentle and somewhat confusing kiss suddenly nudges its way back into my consciousness.
“I better get going,” Luke finally says to all of us.
“I’ll walk you to the car,” I murmur, uncomfortably aware that four sets of inquisitive eyes are now watching us. It occurs to me that this is the first time my family has ever seen me with a boy. It almost feels like Luke and I should be behind a sheet of glass for all the gawking and pointing they’re doing.
He says goodbye to my family before we slowly walk to the driveway where his truck is parked. Once we get to the driver’s side, we both pause.
“They’re still watching, aren’t they?” He says this with a huge fake smile plastered across his handsome face. His mouth barely moves as he speaks.
I mimic his lunatic grin. “Of course they are.”
“Well this is super awkward,” he says with that same maniacal smile held firmly in place.
Still grinning madly, I clench my teeth tighter. “I’m sure I’ll be given the third degree as soon as you pull away.”
He finally laughs, dropping the whole wide eyed, big smile thing he had going on. Suddenly he looks very shy which is actually quite endearing. The way he calmed me down just a handful of moments ago flits through my head right before he says, “So I was wondering if maybe you’d like to get together this weekend.”
As his words and their implication wash over me, I hold my breath before searching his eyes. I like Luke. I do. And I’m attracted to him. I mean, who wouldn’t be? Maybe this connection between us is worth exploring.
Slowly my gaze shifts to my family who is still standing in the doorway watching us as if we’re putting on some kind of theater production. They couldn’t be more obvious if they pulled out lawn chairs from the garage and sat down with a tub of popcorn.
How embarrassing.
When I don’t immediately respond, his voice becomes low and just a bit tense. “Is that a no?”
Inhaling a deep breath, I slowly push out the words. “It’s a yes.”
Even though I’m in no way over Cole, maybe spending some time with Luke, someone I genuinely like and feel connected to, might just help with that. I mean, it can’t hurt, right?
He breaks into another huge smile. Although thankfully this one isn’t maniacal in nature. “Great. I’ll text you on Friday with the plans.”
“Okay,” I nod feeling a little bit nervous about what I’ve just set into motion, “that sounds good.” But maybe a little excited too.
Before I know what’s happening, he pulls me into a gentle hug, pressing my body against his larger one. Closing my eyes, I’m instantly assaulted by the clean woodsy scent of him and the solidness of his wide chest. I’m in the midst of inhaling a deep lungful of him when he pulls away. Holding me at arm’s length, he smiles down at me again.
“See?” He nods towards my family. “I think everything is going to be just fine. But if it’s not, all you have to do is call. Okay?”
Unable to contain my smile because, he’s right, everything is going to be just fine with my family, I nod. “Thank you for everything.”
Climbing into the truck, he starts the engine, waving to my still gawking family before backing out and driving away. For a long moment I simply watch the truck until it turns the corner and completely disappears from sight.
Taking another deep breath, I try settling my scattered thoughts before turning back towards my family. Now that Luke is gone, both my sisters come racing towards me screaming and shouting, before sing-songing, “Cassy has a boyfriend, Cassy has a boyfriend!”
My face turns beet red as I protest, “He is not my boyfriend. Luke is just a friend!” This declaration doesn’t help the situation because they only start belting out the refrain more exuberantly on the
front lawn where all the neighbors can hear them. And Lexie and Miranda may be phenomenal dancers but they can’t hold a tune to save their little lives. Although they are, unfortunately, loud. I look to my parents for help in this matter but they’re much too busy chuckling to discipline their unruly children.
As I stomp my way into the house, I mutter, “He is not my boyfriend.”
“Whatever you say, Cassy,” my dad answers with a super huge smile and a wink.
Unbelievable!
Chapter Twenty-Three
Thanksgiving Day passes by in a blur of food and extended family that camps out at our house for the day. We wake up early, prep the turkey before shoving it into the oven, and then settle back to watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade on TV. As I sit on the couch with my sisters, my dad is in his recliner and my mom continues puttering around in the kitchen. It feels just like it used to before I flunked out of school last December.
And I am seriously loving every single moment of it.
Little more than a month ago, I was barely in contact with my family and now I’m home celebrating the holidays with them. And it actually feels normal. Even though I couldn’t have known that everything would go smoothly, I feel stupid for practically having an anxiety attack in Luke’s truck. It just proves yet again what a nice guy he is.
Lexie, who is fourteen, makes a comment about one of the choreographed dance routines and suddenly both her and Miranda are jumping off the couch and copying the dancers on TV. As my eyes dart between the parade and my sisters, I realize they’re both able to imitate the performers on TV perfectly.
My jaw drops as I continue watching in amazement. “Wow! When did you two become so good?” It would seem as if years of lessons have finally paid off.
“We’re both in competition dance troupes.” Lexie throws those words over her shoulder as she keeps moving.
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