by Mia Fox
Chapter Sixteen
Kat
I had to do something to get my mind off Cole. He needed time. I had too much of it. Guys have an ability to shut down, but I didn’t. I couldn’t get the chattering and questions in my mind to cease. The only way I knew to quiet those never ending, ruthless questions of why… why weren’t we together, why did he not love me as much as I loved him, and more questions related to when my heart would stop hurting, was to go for a horseback ride. Other activities allowed me to still think, or in my case right now… fester uselessly. Except when I went riding. When doing that, I focused only on the horse, the wind, and not breaking my neck.
For years, I’ve had access to different horses. It’s a perk that comes with my willingness to help the horse owners with the myriad of time-consuming responsibilities that come with horse ownership. Simply grooming a horse can take hours. Actually, just doing their hooves and shoes is a mountain of a task. Times that by four, and at least half an hour has passed. Then there’s the tail, which if not maintained gets knotted. The mane gets dusty. The bridle becomes dirty. And of course, their stable… and the not so little gifts that are left and needed to be scooped up and disposed of. In exchange for doing those chores, I get riding privileges.
Oddly, I rarely see the horses’ owners. We have an arrangement. I clean; I ride; I put their horse back in its stable. It’s mutual trust. They know that I’m giving their horse a needed outing and grooming; I know they will do the heavy lifting, meaning the high expenses associated with boarding and veterinarian fees. I always found it odd that so many people will pay that type of money without spending a fair amount of time enjoying their horse. But, it’s obvious from the condition of these horses that they are well-tended to. I’m just the lucky one who gets to reap some of the benefits.
Today, I approached one of my new client’s horses, a bit taller than I’m used to riding, but in need of some exercise so I decided to swallow any nerves and get on with it. I held out an apple slice and the stallion immediately came over to the side of the fence where I stood.
“Hi beauty,” I cooed as the horse, known as James, took the apple from my gloved hand. I noted that he took it just with his front teeth, which is considered good manners among well-trained horses. I decided that looks could indeed be deceiving.
“You’re such a sweetheart. It doesn’t matter that your giant sized. I can tell you’re a gentle one. We’re going to get along just fine.” As if to validate my thoughts, he nuzzled his nose against my coat.
“Okay, you win. One more treat because you’re so sweet.” I started to dig into my pocket for what I was going to save until the end of our ride — tangerine peels. It’s like catnip for horses. They absolutely love it. I squeezed a bit into my hand and then replaced it in my pocket. Holding my hand to his nose, I let him inhale the sweet aroma. “Let me on your back nicely and I’ll pass you a treat.”
Although he hadn’t done anything to make me suspect that he would be more than I could handle, I still had a healthy respect for his size. I placed my foot in the stirrup and swung my other leg over, but ensured that I didn’t land with too much force. In spite of my best attempts, he bristled a bit, sending his ears back and forth as if to say that he was happy taking my treats, but didn’t feel the need to get to know me any further.
Ironically, the stallion reminded me a bit of Cole’s recent behavior. Gorgeous, but moody. Unpredictable. Offering a bit of love and then taking it back. He started to lift one of his front legs off the ground and then stomp it back down again. Hmm, definitely a bit like Cole when it came to his training. Stubborn. “Okay, maybe you just need a good woman to convince you it’s time to settle down rather than spend your days milling about this pasture.”
The horse whinnied in response as if to say my words were preposterous. Still, he walked peacefully around the circle, paying no attention to the ranch cat that would come to sit on the fence. After a few rounds, I changed direction just to see if the horse would allow it. Happily, I got the response I wanted. “Good boy!”
But as I began to relax, the cat decided to test its own luck and jumped into the ring coming oddly close to where we were walking. “Go away,” I hissed. Although the horse paid no attention to the cat, its proximity made me nervous and horses have an innate ability to pick up on their rider’s feelings. He started to pick up his pace from a walk to a trot.
“Hold up,” I said with the pitch in my tone rising along with my frayed nerves. I gripped the reins tighter, but that only sent the horse into more of a gallop. I wasn’t a strong rider by any stretch. I was merely an exerciser — a glorified sitter — to be exact. Thankfully, the cat decided that being in a circle with a galloping horse wasn’t wise and gracefully jumped back onto the fence and then over it. Immediately, the horse slowed to a walk and I decided that my duties for the day had been fulfilled.
I led him back to his stall, handed over the tangerine peels I had promised, and stroked his nose while he chomped down on them. He looked so cute eating with orange goo spilling out between his teeth, I decided it was a picture perfect moment and another excuse to text Cole. I sent the photo and the text, “Would you want to clear your head with a ride?”
I was hoping the double entendre wouldn’t be lost on Cole and that maybe he would respond with something suggestive. Instead, I got no response. Cole was never rude. He would never say anything hurtful, but his ghosting actions spoke silent volumes. He might as well have told me to leap off a cliff. It hurt me to the core, but it was also solidifying in my mind that he was serious about ending “us”.
I patted the horse, removed his saddle, and wiped him down. After a perfunctory grooming, I told him I’d be back tomorrow. We seemed to be getting along and I had nothing else to keep me distracted. It gave me purpose and something to look forward to, both desperately needed.
I visited the stable daily for a week. I texted Cole nearly as often without a response, finally sending one last message to acknowledge that I understood his feelings. I had to be a grown up and assume he’d call me if he were in need, and until that time, I would move on. Obviously, he had done just that.
I cried as I hit send, and vowed to stay busy. I started my morning as I had been recently, trying to create more positive habits. First, a run. Next, my shower. Then, an email to the blog about this week’s article. One or two subsequent emails to set up interviews followed, and then sadly, too much free time leaving me alone with my thoughts. That I couldn’t deal with, so without missing a beat, I drove to the stables.
Chapter Seventeen
Cole
I had been dealing with one other casualty of my accident… my cell phone. I had no idea if it was dropped, stepped on, or flung across the room during the shooter’s attack, but the result was a phone where the screen was shattered and it looked like it had been through a war zone. Half the time it would fade to black as I was using it. Calls would drop. Text messages wouldn’t send. I didn’t really want to spend the money on a new one, but it was obvious that the life had left this one.
I unpacked the new phone and placed it in close proximity to my old one, powered it on, and waited for my apps and data to transfer. Easy peasy. All that was left to do was transfer the SIM card over and I’d be in business.
In truth, the reason that I finally broke down and got a new phone was that my photo files wouldn’t open on the old one. I missed seeing the pictures of Kat. She may not be with me, but her face was the first thing I looked at each morning and the last image I saw before going to sleep.
Who was I fooling? It didn’t matter that I wasn’t next to Kat. She was within me… heart and soul. I could never really walk away from her. Thoughts of her invaded my every waking moment. Every place I visited, from restaurants to the grocery store, reminded me of times with her. I avoided washing certain t-shirts because I had hugged her while wearing them and her perfume still lingered on the fabric. Plain and simple, I loved her.
I thought staying
away from her was how I proved that love. I’d rather hurt my own heart than put her at risk ever again or allow disapproving looks to tarnish her sunny outlook. I thought love meant shielding those we cared about from harm. Now I wasn’t so sure. I thought about how she looked when I woke up from the coma. She was gaunt, tired, thin. I reasoned that it was the time spent sleeping and eating at a hospital for over a month. Now, I’m rethinking those thoughts. Was it too arrogant to think it was because she wasn’t with me?
Maybe I could make her happy. I always worried about how my lifestyle would affect her. I didn’t have a formal job, not that I needed one from a financial standpoint, but it was unconventional. I was still pursuing a degree. Lots of people go back to school even when they’re in their mid-forties, but I couldn’t claim that a career kept me from getting my degree younger, unless one counts my sports pursuits as my career. And the list goes on.
To average out that list, I tried to think of reasons why I was better for her than other men. In truth, I’m more financially stable than most. I have a team of people who have helped me invest over the years and I’ve learned from each of them. It’s not like I’m some loser who created a one hit wonder song and plans to live off the residuals indefinitely. The degree will come, but even without it, I’ve already got a house and I could afford a bigger one should we ever want children.
Children. A Family. The idea makes me giddy. I can’t imagine anything I’d want more than to spend forever with Kat and if I think that way, than age isn’t a problem. Her worry that I’ll want to date more, travel more, or experience more is absolutely untrue. I don’t want any of that without her.
I may have tried to stay away for the right reasons, but the reality is that I was an idiot for thinking I could live without her. I don’t want to lose any more time without her. If it were a weekday, she would probably be home or at her job. No telling where she is now. I pick up my phone wondering if I should call. It’s not really the type of conversation to have over the phone.
I imagine how lame it would sound. Hey Kat, I just took out a piece of paper to make lists and weigh out the pros and cons of what people will think of our relationship. And you know what? You won! Nope, I can’t say that.
What I could say, however, was, “I love you.” I told her that I didn’t… multiple times. I pushed her away after she unselfishly gave her time, her caring, and her love. I was an ass who totally didn’t deserve her, but I couldn’t stop loving her.
Fuck. I’m an asshole.
It’s a horrendous conversation over the phone, but could it be any better in person? All I knew was that I had to try. Maybe if she saw my face, she’d see the sincerity. She would know my regret and that I never want to hurt her again.
My phone suddenly dinged from its charging place on my counter. Then, it dinged again and again. Suddenly my text messages opened and I saw Kat’s name. Shit. Two messages had come in and like an ass, I had ignored them. Only that wasn’t my intention. If I wasn’t sabotaging my relationship, then my phone was doing an equally good job of it. The new SIM card and phone recovered my messages and I saw that she had texted me nearly every day for a week.
After living at her place during my recovery, she insisted that she wanted to share her location with me in case I was ever feeling ill and needed her. I hadn’t ever searched her location in order to respect her privacy, but now I felt a panic over possibly hurting her yet again. I had so many things to explain… why I hadn’t returned her calls or texts was a good starting point. My feelings for her would round out the conversation, and I’d accept whatever fate dealt me. I pulled up our latest text message conversation and hit the information key to locate her. She was at the stables.
I pocketed my wallet, hurried into my jacket, and headed for my car. I contemplated making a stop at a store to buy flowers first, but decided that would be too cheesy. Best if it’s just me, showing up with my honesty and my heart on my sleeve.
Chapter Eighteen
Kat
I had developed a fondness for the stallion and started to get to know the other riders at the stables. Odd as it sounded, the stallion’s owner left me a check in the office and hired me by referral. I had never met him, but he left me details about James each week. Apparently, he saw some residue tangerine in James’ teeth and had taken to buying him more. His note expressed that it was James’ favorite snack. Luckily, I had brought some more with me this morning and I told James as much when I arrived. It seemed he understood as his tail started flicking a greeting of sorts. I spoke to him in a gentle voice as I lifted the saddle on top of him and placed the bridle in his mouth.
“Ready for our ride, James?”
He seemed to respond in the affirmative as he nodded his head up and down. At least I decided to interpret the motion as agreement rather than complaint over the bridle.
“I’ve got an idea, James,” I said as I lifted one leg into the stirrup and swung the other over his massive girth. “What if we went along a trail today?”
It was a beautiful, sunny day. James seemed to be in a good mood. I needed to get into a better one. The more Cole pushed back, the more I needed to find peace and understanding of the events that made no sense. What I needed was a ride and to feel the wind in my hair. Mostly, I needed to forget my worries.
But when I led James just outside the stable perimeter, a man on his own horse came around the trail bend. He stopped his horse just in front of James, stared directly at me, and stated without any waver in his voice, “I could have you arrested.”
He got off his horse and tied it to the fence and then came closer to where I sat atop James.
“How about you come down from there and we have a little talk about why you’re taking my friend’s horse off property?”
For the first time in months, my heart performed a little skip, and not solely due to his comment. I complied with what he asked and jumped off James. He took the reins from my hands and tied James next to his own horse. The two horses obviously knew each other and started to nuzzle each other’s noses.
I was pathetic. I looked at the two horses with a sort of envy. Even they had found love. It’s not that I felt like animals couldn’t love, it’s just that I didn’t expect to “borrow” the one horse who was in a relationship and then come face to face with the star of its own romantic movie. As I contemplated the two horses and their affection for each other, I vaguely heard the other horse’s owner.
“Miss? Are you listening?”
“What? I’m sorry…” Had he just asked me if I were listening? Uh no, I was contemplating my romantic life or lack of one. I was so lost in my own thoughts that it hadn’t really occurred to me to feel concern over the fact that I had in essence stolen a horse. The realization dawned on me, and I met his gaze, wondering just how much trouble I could be in. He removed his sunglasses and that’s when thoughts of stealing a horse vanished, replaced by thoughts of this guy stealing all of my attention.
To say he was good looking was an understatement. I always melted when I saw Cole, and wondered if I had a “type.” This man couldn’t be more opposite in his features, but my response to seeing him was lust. I knew I was on the rebound and that could attribute to why my eyes lingered over his features. But at least, I couldn’t be accused of finding a replica of Cole.
Whereas Cole had jet black hair and honey-colored skin, this man had Nordic features with blond hair and a fair complexion and even paler eyes of ice blue. I swallowed hard, and focused on what he was saying.
“If you’re exercising that horse, you’re going way beyond the call of duty and probably exceeding what his owner would want.”
I stared at his tantalizing eyes and stammered, “I’m sorry.”
He watched me as I looked down at my feet trying to figure out how to explain myself. In that moment, I realized how reckless it had been to take James beyond the exercise ring. He was worth thousands of dollars. I was basically performing grand theft on a horse. But then, my thoughts we
nt to Cole and my need to just ride and forget. It might have been a bad reason, but I did have a reason.
But I knew I couldn’t explain my real reasons. It would sound crazy and emotional. So, in my attempt to not sound erratic, I tiptoed even more into crazy land and moved into his personal space. I couldn’t think of what led me to take out James in the first place. I couldn’t think of Cole. Not in that moment. Instead, I said nothing. I offered no response, excuse, or remorse.
I held this gorgeous man’s gaze, and as seductively as I could muster, pushed a lock of hair from my eyes so that I could send my smoldering eyes and every thought that was behind them, straight to him. I parted my lips slightly, licked them, and took one more step forward, closing the distance between us. I stood close enough that he could reach for me if he wanted, and that’s exactly what he did.
Chapter Nineteen
Cole
It was as if I had just chugged a glass of rancid milk and my system couldn’t get rid of it fast enough. I stood just outside the stable in the wooded area that the riders used on their approach to the property or when taking the horses out. It was a beautiful day and I had thought I would find Kat and maybe suggest we take a walk. She was already on the trail, but not with me.
The physical reaction that effected me after seeing Kat with another man hit me hard. I doubled over, ridding myself of any nutrients I had previously ingested. Kat and this guy were staring at each other with that look in their eyes. I knew that look. There was only one word to describe it. Lust. I felt like I would lose it again, but I couldn’t look away. If only I hadn’t asked people wandering around the stable if they had seen her. If only they hadn’t pointed in the direction of the woods. I would have stayed at the stable and waited for her. I would have never seen her with this guy. And, perhaps the worst part was that it wasn’t just a guy, but a decidedly younger guy than she.
