by Mia Fox
Before we even left Kat’s driveway, Jack asked if she had “the list.” Apparently, the two of them felt a trip wasn’t worthy if it didn’t include stopping at the best rated coffee houses along the way. They spent months, perhaps years, collecting notes and compiling reviews of quaint and independently owned coffee joints along the entire California coastline. There had to be hundreds on this list and they had a mission to try each one they passed. That meant the three hour drive would probably feature a good number of them.
When Jack called shotgun, I readily agreed and closed my eyes in the backseat. I was relieved that Kat was in the driver’s seat. I don’t think I could have sat squished next to her in the backseat and not allow my hand to rest on her thigh or to take her own hand in mine. I shook the image out of my head and rolled up my jacket to use as a pillow, placing it against the window. They tried to keep their voices down so the three of us in the back could fall asleep again, but her voice was like music. It had been so long since I had heard it. She and Jack joked that there wasn’t a carb they couldn’t find something redeeming about as they discussed the first stop they intended to make. One of our teammates heard as well and asked Jack about our training regiment, which included a strict diet.
“I’m not training until I get there,” he replied “Besides, life is short; isn’t that true, Cole?”
I opened my eyes upon hearing my name. I met Jack’s eyes in the rearview mirror and wondered if he were only referring to my accident, or if he knew about Kat and I. Either way, his words resonated with me. I wondered how long it would take me in this lifetime to get over Kat. I suspected I never would.
I knew that a few stops were planned. I just never imagined how many. On the way to the training facility we stopped at two banks, one grocery store, a cafe, a bakery, and even a Starbucks. I kept a stoic expression throughout reminding myself that I had asked if I could hitch a ride. My other teammates didn’t seem bothered and even appreciated the frequent opportunities to stretch their legs. But for me, it was a reminder of how much I loved being with Kat. It had never mattered if we were hanging out at home, going to a fancy restaurant or like today, just picking up essentials at a market. Kat always found the humor in situations, the ridiculous in the ordinary and the beauty in nature. She was a true observer of life and fully embraced that adage of life not being about the destination, but rather, the journey.
That side of her personality couldn’t have been more evident than today as we carelessly meandered along the street where we had lunch as if we didn’t need to get any place. I walked behind her, noticing the way her sundress floated over her behind, the slight sway in her hips. She was talking to Jack and smiling. It was good to see her smile again. And then, as if she sensed I was looking at her, she turned and sent that smile in my direction. I met her gaze and she stopped right there in the street, threw her arms around my neck and gave me a hug.
That’s when I froze. I couldn’t even bring myself to place my arms around her waist. She smelled so good. She appeared so happy. I wanted to be with her again. I wanted to walk hand in hand down that street and look at every window we passed. Instead, I disentangled myself from her embrace. “Don’t you think we should get back to the car?”
She stared at me, the hurt visible. “Yes. We should.” She stalked ahead of me, walking faster than any of us really wanted to, and kept up that pace until we reached the car.
Jack reached out his hand to her, palm up.
“What?” she asked.
“Keys. You’ve driven enough. I’m taking over. Besides you’re tiny. The middle seat is too rough for us.”
She handed Jack the keys and scowled at me for good measure, which I deserved. I was a jerk. I opened the back seat door for her and she climbed into the middle seat and I got in next to her. Awkward was a mild description of the mood between us. I wish I knew why I overreacted to her hug. I wish she knew that I was hurting too. It wasn’t a good explanation, but it was the only one I had. Sadly, I had to keep it to myself.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Kat
I hadn’t cared that we were in the midst of a crowded sidewalk. I felt like shouting, “I’m not trying to attack you. Get a grip.”
Honestly, what a baby. It was just a hug. And stupid me for feeling the need to give it to him. The day had started awkwardly, but as time went on and we stopped to take in the sites, eat some food, and just relax, it felt like it used to between us. We were just hanging out, enjoying each other. I wasn’t foolish enough to read anything more into it, particularly since he had over-reacted earlier.
Finally, we hit the road. Jack was in the driver’s seat and as expected, I was sandwiched in the back with Cole on my right and another player on my left. I did my best to tune out any awkward feelings and focus on the road ahead so as not to get carsick sitting in the back. I noticed from my peripheral vision that Cole was gazing out the window, no doubt trying to ignore me and forget what had happened on the street.
I admitted to myself that it was fair for me to take the dreaded middle seat. I was able to sit fairly comfortably whereas one of the guys would have had their knees bent up toward their chin due to the cramped space. I sat as still as I could, trying to give Cole the room he obviously wanted. In spite of my best attempt to ignore him, to put the past and the most recent incident behind me, I thought I felt his hand graze my thigh. I moved my knees closer together, although they were already touching, trying to give him more space.
And then, there it was again. A soft trail of his index finger, for just the briefest of moments. It was mere seconds, short enough to make me question if it was simply caused by a shift in the car’s direction or whether it had occurred at all. I turned to look at him, but he continued to gaze out the window.
It had to be an accident. He didn’t want me. He told me it was over. But there… there it was again. I looked at him once more and although he didn’t look at me, his lips turned upward slightly. Almost as imperceptible as the touch was his smile. But it was there. I was sure of it now. Just one finger, but I felt it and knew it was intentional.
I looked to my left, toward the other teammate, who was sleeping with his head against the window. Then, I turned back to Cole and mouthed, “What?”
He merely shrugged his shoulders as if it was the most natural thing in the world, to run his finger over my bare thigh in a car full of other people when we weren’t supposed to even be dating.
It moved slowly over my soft flesh and that one innocent finger sent tingles through my system. Damn me for being such a push over, but there I was… sucked back in with the movement of one finger.
We took the drive slowly and stopped for dinner. Cole and I sat next to each other and it felt like it used to. We shared a dish. We took turns breaking off pieces of naan bread and dipping them into the tzatziki dip. It was my favorite and his, a reminder of our commonalities. I felt ridiculous that an appetizer was making me melancholy. I couldn’t let the sadness creep in… the thoughts of why we weren’t together when we have so much in common threatened to ruin the meal. I would learn from my mistakes and keep it light. Isn’t that what every guy wants these days? As hard as it was, fate stepped in to lend a helping hand.
I got up to use the restroom, which for better or worse was just around the corner from our table. As I opened the door to the genderless toilet, it was quickly shoved shut from the inside, but not before I got a glimpse of a man seated on his bottom.
“Sorry. Sorry!” I shouted, only to hear snickers from the guys at our table around the corner. I tried the next bathroom door, as one would.
“Oh my God! Lock the door!” I shouted to his friend, who obviously suffered from the same overly trusting personality. Two bottoms in one night combined with a stench that accosted my sense of smell as much as the image of the two men burned into my visual memory.
When I got back to the table, everyone laughed and I put my forehead onto Cole’s shoulder and he let me. I recovered from the tra
uma and he teased me. It was such a welcome change from a few hours earlier when he wouldn’t even let me give him a hug in public. And then the wind blew and again he changed.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Cole
I thought of going to Kat’s hotel room that night, but decided that would be a bad move. We weren’t alone. I didn’t really have confirmation of what she wanted. The little exploit in the car was fun, but it’s not like we could talk about it. Lunch was fine, but then again, the others had been there. Safety in numbers with both circumstances. There was no way of anything going too far and it was probably best that we kept it that way.
I stayed where I was and tried to fall asleep. Then, my mind started exploring. I remembered the way her skin felt. I saw out of the corner of my eye her surprised look when she felt that careless caress in the car. She wondered if it was just our proximity. It wasn’t. It was me wanting her.
Why did I do it? What did I expect to happen? As I entertained the question, I almost hoped she would show up at my door. More minutes ticked by, and the realization that I was an idiot took hold of my psyche. I punched my pillow and rolled over hoping I hadn’t totally embarrassed myself and my behavior would be forgotten. It wasn’t.
The following morning, the team gathered early for breakfast and a long training session. I was thankful for the early wake up as it meant that Kat wouldn’t be around. Nobody in their right mind would wake up at this hour without good reason. But when we returned in the afternoon, she was having a coffee in the dining room.
I grabbed a drink and turned to head out nearly as quickly as I had come in. I walked down the corridor, knowing that she had followed behind me. I could hear the click of her heels just a few paces behind me. It felt like she was trying to catch up to me. I couldn’t let her. But I wasn’t an ass and I couldn’t ignore her either.
“Why did you do it?” Her voice punctuated the otherwise quiet hallway.
I stopped momentarily, more out politeness than really wanting to engage in the conversation. I knew what she was referring to and I didn’t have an answer. What could I say? Your skin looked so soft and tempting that I had to touch it? I’m pathetic and miss you?
Instead, I gave a ridiculous one word response. “What?”
“In the car.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I spit it out at the same time that I reached my room, slammed the key card against the panel and entered without so much as turning toward her. I closed the door and slid down the wall, putting my head in my hands.
I sat like that for a couple of minutes when she texted.
If you didn’t understand my question, come to my room so I can ask in another way.
“That’s not a good idea. Just ask here,” I texted back.
“Why are you being so weird? It’s five minutes out of your life.”
“Is it?”
“It might be,” she texted.
“It’s late. Just ask.”
“Why did you lie?”
I stared at the text not knowing how to respond. I did lie. I knew exactly what she had been referring to… the touch. “Listen, it happened. There’s nothing more to it.”
“There could be. We’re both at the same hotel.”
“We’re not involved anymore.” It was a risky move, but I wanted to know what she would say.
I didn’t hear another word from her, and she would never know how much that killed me.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Kat
I called Luci and told her about my weekend, which aside from the momentary thrill in the car on the way, featured no other flirtation or physical contact. I was desperate to get over Cole once and for all. Luci agreed that there was only one way to do that. With another man.
Easier said than done. It’s not like I had or even wanted another man. But then, a mere week later, Bennett texted to ask how I’d been.
It was impossible not to smile at the thought of Bennett. The last time I saw him, the exertion from grooming the horses left a light sheen of sweat on his skin that cast shadows on his muscles and highlighted his perfect physique. I contemplated what to text back and what would happen if I did.
Maybe it was the best way to protect my heart from Cole. Somehow, Bennett and I seemed to have set an unspoken rule not to get attached. I didn’t want involvement. He was a young, hot guy and commitment for his age group was as appealing as a wisdom tooth surgery. It seemed as long as I kept my head on straight I could enjoy the time with him, experience the distraction from Cole, and all would be well.
Seeing or even talking to Cole, no matter how occasionally, was still a surefire way to get hurt. The only way to keep my heart intact was to keep my mind occupied, along with my body, and although I had originally told Bennett I couldn’t entertain anything physical, I was having second thoughts. Involvement didn’t mean commitment. I couldn’t form that type of attachment because I wasn’t over Cole. Bennett couldn’t do that because he was young and the concept was too alien. But being together for just each other’s mutual well being… that seemed plausible.
The fact that Bennett was young, fit, and knew how to flirt with the best of them made him the perfect candidate to get my head off its constant thoughts of Cole. That is, if Bennett was still interested. I couldn’t tell from our recent run ins at the stable.
His eyes danced when he spotted me, but he never tried to make any plans as we had when we first met. Sometimes the timing was perfect for a get-together with each of us just finishing a ride and ready to leave. Other times, I arrived when he was leaving, but he always would spend enough time to ensure that I was safe with James. I chuckled at the memory of the first time I met him and the fact that he made sure I wasn’t stealing the horse.
He was kind to take time to inquire about my week, check on the way I had done up James’ saddle to ensure I wouldn’t fall off, and he provided casual flirtation that always helped my ego soar. But he also was careful not to let things go farther. We had spent time alone, but he always sent me on my way without so much as even a kiss on the cheek.
But today, I was ready to change that. I wanted to rekindle that past to explore whether I could move forward. From what Bennett had said about his mindset on relationships, casual would suit him just fine.
I picked up my phone and texted: Was going to go to the stables. You?
Bennett: I’m kind of tired. Not sure…
Me: Maybe we could find a better way to relax?
Bennett: What do you have in mind?
What did I have in mind? What was I doing? My heart sped up a bit, more from nervousness than excitement. It wasn’t beating in the erratic way it did for Cole. I knew I would always love him. I had been away from him long enough to get over him, and it just wasn’t possible. The time away didn’t heal my heart; it told me that he was the only one for me.
But he had plenty of time to make his decision about us. I gave him the power to do so. Now, I needed to make a few decisions for myself. If Cole had decided we weren’t meant to be, then certainly I was entitled to someone who would offer me physical comfort. I reasoned that humans needed touch and love, even if it was momentary. I told my heart to stop its crazy rhythm. This wasn’t a dangerous game for my heart in the way it was when I was near Cole; it was just a way to subside the pain and fulfill an emptiness.
So much time had passed that he texted again: Kat, did I lose you?
Me: I’m here.
Bennett: I’m pretty straight-forward. If there’s something you want, you should ask.
My mouth went dry, my heart continued its percussion. Could I be so daring? Was it wrong to be with one guy in order to get over another? I knew there was no real getting over Cole. But I was at my breaking point. I needed someone to show me that I was attractive and desired.
As for Bennett, I knew he was a player. He knew what was up. I told him I had feelings for someone and I had left his house because of it. If I came back now, he could send me pac
king… if he wanted. But something told me that a romp wasn’t out of the question for him.
He could be my perfect distraction. Young. Hot. He knew how to make me weak with his kiss, so I was pretty sure his other skills would match up. There was no doubt in my mind of what I needed. Someone who was damn good in bed. The kind of good that would give me have an incredible evening without regrets. One time. That’s all I wanted.
So, in spite of my heart and feelings for Cole, or maybe because of them, I decided to throw away the good girls don’t lessons from my formative years. They weren’t going to serve me now. Now was when I needed a healthy dose of female empowerment. I’m sure that Bennett had experienced times when he just wanted no strings attached sex, and I didn’t think any less of him for it. And then, before I texted, I considered one other reason to go for it.
My job. The blog I wrote paid for my house. My boss would kill to have me write about a no strings attached night. I didn’t even know what that meant. The term making love was written with me in mind because I had never just had sex.
Then a new thought assaulted my mind. Bennett’s muscles had muscles. No doubt it was a pleasant thought for the casual observer, but for someone in my position it was now a source of angst. The advantage of being intimate with someone who loves you is they forgive your imperfections, but a quickie is meant to be with someone hot. What if I didn’t meet his standards? Damn, who knew that having a one night stand could be so difficult?
