by L. D. Davis
“But now you love me,” he pointed out. “You can’t just ignore that and pretend it doesn’t matter.”
“I do love you,” I admitted sadly. “But that doesn’t mean that we belong together. And we can’t even really truly be together. It can’t work. You need to let me go, because I’m letting you go.”
“I am not letting you go,” he shouted, taking several steps in my direction. Pointing from me to his own chest, he said, “You don’t get to make that decision for me.”
“Are you kidding me?” I shouted back at him. “You have been making decisions for me from the beginning! You have had all of the control! It didn’t matter that I didn’t want you. You were going to take me anyway. It’s the same damn thing now. It doesn’t matter to you that I don’t fucking want you anymore. You’re going to just take me anyway.”
“That’s bullshit, Emmy and you know it. You’ve never not wanted me and we both know it. You can pretend and lie and say you don’t want me, but we both know the truth. No matter what comes out of your mouth, I know that you want me, regardless of what it will cost you.”
I wiped at the sudden rush of tears and looked away from him. The truth, more than anything, hurts.
“I am leaving,” I said, not looking at him.
I only managed a few steps before Kyle caught me around the waist from behind. He spun me around, and before I understood his intent, he lifted me and threw me over his shoulder. I yelled at him and punched him in the back as I tried to get down, but he didn’t put me down until we reached his bedroom. He threw me on the bed and pinned me down with his body.
I started to scream for him to get off of me, but he quickly covered my mouth with one strong hand. He didn’t say anything as I fought against him, he just stared at me. He held me down easily for a long time before I relented and my body went slack.
He waited until he was satisfied I wasn’t going to scream before uncovering my mouth.
“I know you don’t like our circumstances,” he started in a rough whisper. “I don’t like them either. I know from your end it looks like I am not trying, but I am, Emmy. I am. There are so many things you don’t know, so much you don’t see that I am doing, but I love you and I am doing everything I can so that we can be together. You have to believe me and you have to trust me, and I need you to hang on for a little while longer. I don’t think you’re trash. I don’t think you’re inferior. I think you’re beautiful and amazing, but I need you to give me some time, Em. Please.”
I didn’t speak. I wasn’t sure what to say or how to feel. Part of me wanted to leave him and never return, but a bigger part of me wanted to believe him and stay and never leave. And that was a problem. I needed to get that part of me under control, because she would only lead me to destruction.
When I remained silent, Kyle gave me a closed mouth kiss while keeping his eyes locked with mine. When he tried for a more serious kiss, I turned my head. Aggravated, he forced my head back and kissed me hard, growling low in his throat.
I really fought it at first, but he knew what he was doing. I was a huge sucker for his kisses. From day one, whenever he kissed me he would disarm me completely. No one had ever kissed me the way that Kyle kissed me. Not Luke, not anyone.
The more I relented, the harder he kissed me. I involuntarily moaned a little and pushed my body into his. He took my arms and pinned them above my head without ever taking his lips from mine. He rocked his hips into mine and we moaned together.
I struggled against him as he became more aggressive, but I didn’t want him to stop. I had so much anger coursing through my veins, I needed some way to release it. I needed a touch of savagery.
Kyle shackled my wrists together in one of his hands and tore open my shirt. I heard buttons hitting the bed, the wall, and who knew what else. I cried out in pain when he initially grabbed at my breast but then I sighed with pleasure.
His hand slid down my stomach, over my hiked up skirt, and then between my legs. His fingers traced over the lace once before he pulled it aside and pushed two fingers inside of me. Groaning, I latched onto his bottom lip with my teeth. Kyle growled and pushed his fingers in deep and hard. Moments later I was crying out with satisfaction.
He began to fumble with his belt and jeans, even as he continued to pin my wrists to the bed with his other hand. Once he freed himself, he again reached between my legs. After a few strong tugs, he tore my panties off of me. Then, he entered me with such force I was pushed half a foot across the bed. He released my hands long enough to pull me back to the edge of the bed and again pinned me down as he slid into me again.
There was nothing romantic about what we were doing. It was wild and untamed. We held nothing back as we growled, cursed, and kissed with a painful ferocity as we thrashed against each other. He winced or hissed every time one of my boot heels dug into his legs or ass, but he didn’t stop and he didn’t tell me to stop either.
“You’ll never leave me,” he grunted as he pounded into me. “Fucking say it!”
Each of his thrusts were borderline agonizing, and nothing I had said since he entered me had been coherent. I didn’t know if I could say what he wanted me to say.
“Say it!” he growled.
I screamed it. “I’ll never leave you!”
He growled again. If there was ever any control left in him, he lost it as he drilled his thick erection into me. The harder he squeezed my wrists, the closer I knew he was getting. Just when I thought he was about to break my wrists, he shouted my name and we fell over the edge together.
Chapter Eighteen
Luke lazily caressed my bare leg as we relaxed in his bed reading. He was reading a paperback and I was reading on my Kindle, but Luke had put his book down and turned his attention on me. I was wearing a pair of boy shorts and a tee shirt, my standard sleeping gear in warm weather.
I liked sleeping at Luke’s. I could get completely comfortable without any concerns of another woman walking in and wondering why I was there or why I was in bed with her boyfriend. It had become like a second home, which was really important since my parents’ return from Louisiana. Whenever I felt like punching my mom I went to Luke’s. I had clothes there, a toothbrush, deodorant, and other necessities.
“I love hairy legs on my woman,” Luke said, still caressing my leg. “I love getting my fingers all tangled in your long, coarse leg hair.”
“Stop!” I smacked him with his book. “I just haven’t felt like shaving.”
“At least your legs will be warm and protected when it rains.”
I glared at him for a moment and then went back to my book.
“How is your book?” he asked, resting his head on my lap.
I ran a hand through his hair and sighed a happy sigh.
“This author is my hero,” I said about the writer I recently discovered after Luke gave me the Kindle as a gift. “I want to have her babies,” I said dreamily.
“Well, that sure ruins my plans,” he said derisively.
“What plans?” I put the Kindle on the table next to the bed so that I could give him my full attention.
“I was hoping maybe you would want to someday have my babies.” When I looked surprised, he hurriedly said, “I didn’t mean like tomorrow or next year, but someday.”
I shifted uncomfortably. He sat up and looked at me, but I couldn’t meet his eyes. I stared down at my fingers in my lap.
“I’m sorry,” he said. I could hear in his voice how much my reaction had hurt him. “I didn’t realize you felt so differently than I do…”
I stole a glance at him. He looked so deflated that it broke my heart a little bit.
“I love you,” I started carefully. “But we haven’t been together that long.”
“That is true,” he said slowly. “But it’s not like we don’t know each other, Emmy. We’ve known each other for years. I’m not trying to push you into wanting something you don’t want, but it’s not like we’re strangers.”
I nodded as
I listened to him, acknowledging his words. I couldn’t tell him the main reason my initial reaction had been so poor. I couldn’t very well tell him that I couldn’t promise him children because I was sleeping with another guy, but I could tell him something else that was true.
“I’m just not sure that I would be a good mother…” I said honestly.
“What?” He looked at me with disbelief. “You would be an excellent mother. You’re nurturing, caring, and responsible.”
I winced at “responsible.” My actions over the past several months were not responsible. To cover for yet another poor reaction, I smiled and said, “You know I drink way too much.”
“You don’t drink and drive, you don’t drink at work, and you know your limit. I’ve never seen you out of control. Besides, I haven’t seen you pick up a drink in weeks.”
Oh, you poor man. I’ve been out of control for months, I thought.
“Now that my mom is back, that may change.” I rolled my eyes, but Luke took me into his arms.
“You can come here whenever you want to get away from that old bag.”
“Thanks,” I laughed.
“And while we’re on the subject of making babies and you getting away from your mom…”
I raised my eyebrows and looked up into his face, which had grown very serious. “What’s up, doc?”
Quietly, he answered “I’m thinking of moving back to Chicago, and soon.”
“What?” I broke free of his embrace so I could look at him better. I must have looked as stricken as I felt, because he put his hands up as if to calm me down.
“I want you to come with me,” he said in a rush. “I mean, you don’t have to decide right now.”
“Oh,” I said softly as something twisted sharply in my chest. “How long before you go?”
“By October, at the latest.” He took my hands in his. “I really want to be with you, but my family is in crisis and they need me. And to be honest, I need them, too.”
I nodded in agreement. His family did need him. His parents weren’t in the best health and needed looking after. He had two sisters, but not only did they have their own families to worry about, one of them just found out she had cancer. I felt really bad for reacting the way I did, thinking only of myself as usual.
“I understand,” I said. “I promise to deeply consider it.” And I meant that.
“I’m going home in two weeks for a few days. Think you can get away?”
I considered it a moment. I had plenty of vacation time saved up and even if I didn’t I wasn’t worried about losing money. Kyle was the problem. He was insanely jealous of Luke and any time I spent with him, but Kyle couldn’t be my first priority.
“I’ll go,” I decided.
Luke grinned and kissed me. I put my arms around his neck and pulled him closer. I had told my mom I would be home for dinner, but once Luke slipped his hand under my shirt I didn’t feel confident about making it on time.
***
I did make it to dinner on time. My mom was her usual annoying self, but for the most part I was able to tune her out. My mind was already heavily weighing on Luke’s proposal. I could decide to go, and it would be the end of the triangle I was in, but the thought of letting Kyle go made my heart hurt.
“You’re not paying any attention to anything I’m saying!” My mom’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
“Sorry. What did you say?”
She sighed dramatically and rolled her eyes. “I said I wish you would consider coming back with us in the fall. I hate that you’re up here all alone.”
“I’m not alone, trust me,” I muttered. If only she knew.
“Yes, I know you have Luke and you’ve become friendly with your boss, but you ain’t got no family here.”
“I have cousins and aunts and uncles,” I gestured lazily with my fork.
“I meant none that you talk to.”
“I talk to Mayson all of the time and sometimes I may run into Tabitha at the store. I try to talk to Tack every couple of weeks.”
“You know what I mean!” she snapped.
I put my fork down and looked from her to my dad. “If you guys want me to move out of the house so you can sell it and stay down south, just say so.”
Dad put his fork down as well and looked at me. “No one is saying that, Emmy. We would never make you leave here if you didn’t want to.”
My mom looked at my dad with a look of indignation. “I am saying that!”
“Oh for crying out loud,” he grumbled, throwing down his napkin. I pushed my plate away and prepared myself for the arguing.
“I don’t want to be here every damn summer,” she cried out. “I hate this damn polluted state. I only moved here in the first place because I fell in love with a damn Yankee. I ain’t coming up here for anymore galas either. I want to live in one place, Emmy. One damn place.”
“Fine. If you want me to move out, I will.” I got up, carried my plate to the sink, and started stuffing the contents into the disposal.
“You don’t have to go anywhere,” Dad said to me, and then to my mom he said, “She doesn’t have to go anywhere.”
“No, it’s fine, Dad,” I said crisply. “You and that fire breathing dragon you call a wife don’t want to keep making the trip, it’s fine. Sell the fucking house. I don’t care. I can take care of myself. In fact, I may move away from this ‘damn polluted state’ myself.”
“Where the hell you gonna go?” Mom asked.
I leaned against the counter, in the same spot my bare ass had occupied after the gala, and crossed my arms. “I’m thinking of moving to Chicago,” I announced. “With Luke. In October.”
They both looked at me silently for a moment. My mom tried to be casual, but failed.
“Will you be moving there as a married woman?” she asked carefully.
“No,” I said defiantly.
“You’re gonna live in sin?” she shrieked.
“Oh stop it!” I yelled. “Don’t act like you’re all about that because you’re not.”
“What are you doing wrong? You should have a marriage proposal by now! Not a wanna-live-together proposal!”
“Samantha!” my dad yelled.
“She’s thirty-one years old and isn’t even close to bein’ married! Maybe you need a makeover. I can send you to New York and you can get your hair done so it won’t be so plain.”
“She is fine the way she is.” My dad’s patience was waning.
Ignoring him, my mom continued on. “You can get a new wardrobe—a good one. You can go to the gym and maybe work some of that belly off.”
“Are you finished insulting me yet?” I asked quietly.
“Is it the sex?” Her eyes widened and even as my dad tried again to stop her mouth, she talked over him. “There are books you can buy and maybe you can be better in bed. Maybe you need all of it—the make-over, the clothes, the gym, and the sex stuff.”
“That’s enough!” my dad boomed. My mom jumped and even I was a little startled.
“Thank god I have some confidence in myself, because if I had to depend on my own mother I would be in sore shape,” I said bitterly and stormed out of the kitchen.
I felt like a teenager again as I went up to my room and slammed the door. I was tempted to open it and slam it again, but then I would really feel like a fourteen year old.
Later that night when I met Kyle for ice cream, I was still fuming, and at the same time I was trying to think of a way to tell him I was going away with Luke.
“You’re quiet,” Kyle said, looking at me carefully. “What’s up?”
“Nothing,” I said quickly. I was tapping my spoon on the table instead of digging into my sundae, and under the table my leg bounced.
“You’re quietly freaking out, I can tell. What’s going on?”
“You mean in addition to this four way love story?” I asked, irritated.
“Forget it,” he said, tossing his own spoon down.
“Don�
�t ask me stupid questions.”
“Are we done here?”
I put my spoon down as a response. Kyle rolled his eyes as he pulled out his wallet. He threw some cash on the table and we left the ice cream there to melt.
Chapter Nineteen
If I chose to move to Chicago with Luke, how would I tell Kyle? When would I break it off? The day before I left or months before I left? Would he let me go or would he fight for me? If he fought for me, would it be a public fight or a private fight?
If I chose to remain in New Jersey, how would I tell Luke? How long would I put off telling him? Would he fight for me? Would he even know who he was fighting?
If I stayed, would I still have to share Kyle with Jessyca? If I went with Luke, how long would it be before he wanted me to start popping out kids?
Those questions and more flooded my brain daily. I was so overwhelmed and distracted. My mom was being a bigger pain in the ass than usual. Kyle seemed to be under a rapidly growing amount of stress. Our conversations were snippy and any time we spent together usually ended in harsh words. Luke was giving me a hard time because I still had not asked for time off and our trip to Chicago was rapidly approaching.
“Why haven’t you asked?” he asked me one morning as we waited for an elevator.
I shook my head and shrugged apologetically. “I’m sorry. I’ve been busy and distracted.”
He gave me a hard look. When two elevators arrived and people began to shuffle on, Luke didn’t immediately move.
“Just forget about it, Emmy,” he finally said and looked away from me shaking his head. “You clearly don’t want to go.”
“I—I do,” I stuttered, but he put up a hand to silence me.
“For once, I want you to focus on me and not…” For a half a second, I thought he was going to say Kyle’s name, but that was impossible. There was no way he could know. “Forget it,” he snapped. He glared at me for a moment and then hurried to squeeze onto a full elevator before the doors could slide shut, cutting us off.
When I got to my floor, I knew I had to tell Kyle that I wanted to go to Chicago with Luke for a week. I had to tell him for professional reasons, which didn’t concern me as much. My work could be delegated to a few others for a week; I mean, I had to take a vacation sometime. What concerned me was how Kyle would react on a personal level. I knew he wouldn’t take it well.
