by L. D. Davis
He looked at me with a crooked smile while I made a face. Well, I couldn’t allow that drink to make me make a face. I called the waitress over.
“Two more please, and some shots of Hennessey.”
By the time our main course was served, I was lit. The snake was still there, but he had loosened up a little, or the alcohol had numbed me some. I didn’t have even half the drinks I would have had in the past, but all of those months without liquor made me feel like a drinking virgin.
Luke drank some, but he wasn’t feeling it like me. He had a perpetual grin on his face watching me and listening to me ramble on about nonsense. I’m pretty sure at one point I told him I liked washing his underwear.
When we got up to leave, I forgot that I had on strappy sandals that Carrie Bradshaw would die for and almost fell on my face, but Luke caught me and kept a steady arm around my waist. I wrapped both arms around him.
“You’re sooooo good to me,” I cooed as we waited on the sidewalk for a cab.
He kissed the top of my forehead in response and waved down a cab. He helped me inside, leaned forward to tell the driver where to go and then settled back with his arm around me.
“What’s with all of the fucking little kisses lately?” I asked. “I don’t know if you’re kissing me like I’m a pet or like a friend or like a lover. They’re really conflicting kisses!”
He laughed and looked at me with something like adoration and said, “I’m sorry. Let me clear that up for you.” He put his hand under my chin and gently tilted my head and kissed me.
Fireworks went off in my head. Heat exploded from my mouth where his tongue caressed mine. Electric currents sizzled from where his hand was under my chin and spread throughout my body, right down to the tips of my toes. Oblivious to the cab driver up front, I locked my hands around his neck and without taking my lips from his, slithered on to him and straddled him. I could feel him hard against me and I wanted it super bad. I didn’t realize I was grinding against him until I felt his hands on my hips.
“Hey,” the cabbie called from the front, breaking our kiss and grinding session. “Why don’t you pay me and take your sexcapades to your bedroom?”
I opened the door, grabbed my pocketbook, and stumbled off of Luke and onto the sidewalk outside of our apartment building. I didn’t wait for him, and rushed inside, not acknowledging the doorman or the guy that does security at night. As I rode the elevator to the sixth floor, I felt my boa constrictor again, squeezing me. Like a taught rubber band, things were snapping back into place. I was still fairly drunk though, but not enough to soothe the alarm that was beginning inside.
I let myself into the apartment, forced a smile at Diane who was sitting on the couch with a Vogue magazine.
“How was your night out?”
“Great,” I forced a smile.
“Wow, you’re drunk as hell,” she giggled. She got up, picked up her backpack. “Where’s Lukester?”
“On his way up. How was Lucas?”
“Perfect. He told me he ‘wuvved’ me.”
I smiled, because I thought I was supposed to.
The door opened behind me, but I didn’t turn to look at Luke.
“Are you sober enough to drive me home?” Diane asked. She lived a good half hour away. She had taken the bus earlier, but it was late, and Luke was supposed to drive her home.
“Yeah, I’m good,” I heard him say. “I didn’t have that much.”
“Thanks, Diana,” I said, giving her a hug goodbye.
Luke touched my arm and I jumped.
“I’ll be back in an hour.”
“Drive carefully,” I said, because I thought I was supposed to.
They left and I collapsed onto the couch.
While Luke was gone, I took a long shower, drank a bottle of Gatorade, and ate a baked potato. I was lying in bed in a tee shirt and shorts, staring at the dark ceiling when he came home. I heard him drop his keys on the table by the door, kick off his shoes, knowing I would probably pick them up myself later, and then I heard clicks as the lights in the living room went out. A few moments later, I heard the jingling of his belt as he slid out of his jeans. The bed shifted as he climbed in beside me. He cuddled up close to me and draped his arm over me. I felt his warm breath on my neck.
“Too much too soon?” he whispered.
“No. Maybe. I don’t know,” I said.
“Tell me what you’re thinking.”
I hesitated. I was terrified that once I started talking, I wouldn’t be able to stop. There were some secrets I wasn’t ready to tell yet, but he deserved some kind of explanation. I had to try.
After taking a deep breath, I told Luke about the snake, the suffocating, and how he sometimes made it worse. It was the most candid and open I had been with anyone in a very long time. I didn’t exactly bare my soul, but I put enough out there to make me nervous. I felt so vulnerable.
“I didn’t realize I make you feel worse,” Luke said in a hurt voice and started to pull away, but I grasped his arm and held it where it was.
“It would probably be a good feeling if my past wasn’t my past,” I said quickly.
“I only know some of it,” he said carefully. “I know my part in it.”
“I know, but I’m not ready to talk about that. One thing at a time. It was hard enough telling you what I just told you.”
“Do you feel any better after getting it off your chest?”
“No. It made it worse,” I admitted.
“Let me help you release some of that tension,” he whispered and then began nuzzling my neck. His hand worked its way down to my inner thigh, but stopped there. “I won’t continue unless you want me to.”
My body’s natural reactions were winning. I felt my nipples swelling and I had to resist the urge to squeeze my thighs together. I was afraid to say yes. I was afraid of how Luke would make me feel, and I was especially afraid of what would happen afterward. I knew what I felt for him, but I didn’t know how much I could give – or receive. I was so damaged…
“Do you want me to continue?” Luke asked when I didn’t respond.
After a brief hesitation, I answered. I barely heard my own voice above the pounding in my chest. “Yes.”
The word was barely out of my mouth before he was kissing me and sliding his hand up my shorts and quickly finding a spot that automatically made me quiver.
At first, I felt apprehensive about getting it on with my kid asleep in his little toddler bed a few feet away, but I quickly got over it when Luke’s teeth sank into a nipple. I shrieked with pain and titillation and slapped my hand over my mouth. He soothed the bite by caressing it with his tongue and promised me that he was going to make me come all night, even if I begged him to stop.
Luke remembered everything that turned me on. He was familiar with every part of my body, inside and out. His hands, lips, and tongue knew just how to touch me to make me moan. He knew just where to kiss me to make me squirm and beg, and he knew just how fast, slow, hard and soft to lick the sensitive areas of my body.
For the first time ever, I understood and felt what the song “Like a Virgin” was all about. Luke promised me that my body would remember him, and indeed, it didn’t forget him, but his touch, his body—this man made me feel as if I had never been touched before. Every sensation felt blissfully new.
It had been a long time for me, and the man was absurdly hung. I protested, of course. He was going to break me into a million pieces with that thing. He slid in, inch by inch, countering every halfhearted argument I had until he could wait no longer.
“I need to be inside of you,” he said, his voice ragged with restraint and need. “You need me inside of you. You’re going to take me all the way.”
I did need him inside of me. All the way.
I nodded my compliance.
When he slid every inch of himself inside of me, my body shuddered as I came. Luke watched my face as I fell apart. Our bare chests were pressed together, and I could fee
l his heart hammering. He pulled out and thrust in slowly again, but his control was falling away fast. His lips meant mine. While he kissed me deeply, he pulled out again, and then slammed into me. He drank in my screams as he went deeper and harder.
His arms were around me and my arms and legs were wrapped around him. We couldn’t possibly get any closer. Despite the fact that my pleasure was lanced with pain, I wanted more, needed more, and I begged for it.
“More,” I pleaded. “More.”
Luke quickly indulged me and pulled my legs up to his shoulders. Lights burst in my vision as the angle changed and his heavy cock burrowed inside of me. It was too much.
It was fucking perfect.
He used one hand to brace himself on the headboard as he crashed into me over and over. He covered my mouth with his other hand to muffle my screams, but he didn’t let up. He went on and on, loving me hard and murmuring hot words to me.
I resisted my body’s need to orgasm, I resisted until I knew Luke was ready. As we climaxed together, I clung tightly to him and wrapped my arms and legs around his body. Even after my trembling subsided, we remained tangled together. Our bodies moved languidly until we both shuddered again with a quiet release.
“How do you feel now?” he whispered a short time later as my eyes fluttered shut.
“Much, much better,” I sighed and instantly fell into a solid sleep, still draped in Luke’s warmth.
Chapter Thirty-Four
I woke up in bed alone and naked. Lucas was missing from his bed and I didn’t hear anything from the living room. I got up and shuffled into the master bathroom for a shower.
Standing under the hot water, I tried to sort through my feelings. I was feeling so many things at once; I couldn’t decide which emotion was bigger than the others. I was embarrassed, elated, angry, sad, giddy yet depressed, and definitely, definitely horny.
I released a short burst of hysterical and half crazed laughter. There wasn’t anything funny about my situation. I felt like crying and I felt like dancing. I wanted to get back into the sex juiced bed and hide under the blanket, but part of me also wanted to pull Luke under that blanket with me and dirty the sheets some more.
I actually had to work up the nerve to leave the bedroom after I got dressed. I was so nervous about seeing Luke the morning after and I didn’t understand why. It wasn’t like we hadn’t had sex before; we did, after all, make a baby. Then again, I could not recall any of our encounters being so emotional, or so sweet.
I let myself reminisce for another minute before pushing it aside. I stepped into the empty living room just as Luke walked into the apartment, toting a bag from Panera.
“Where’s Lucas?” I asked, pushing down the tiny bit of panic I felt whenever my child wasn’t where I expected him to be.
“With Casey and Emmet. They’re taking Owen and Lucas to the zoo.”
“Oh,” I sighed with relief. “That’s nice. Lucas loves No-nen,” I smiled at the name my son gave my nephew because he couldn’t say Owen.
“I brought breakfast,” Luke held up the Panera bag.
“Cranberry orange muffin?” I asked with a hopeful expression about my new favorite muffin.
“Of course.”
I almost kissed him, but caught myself. I awkwardly patted his arm while he handed me the bag. Then I felt stupid for just patting his arm and cursed under my breath.
“That was an impressive pat on my arm,” Luke teased.
“I know. I worked hard on it.”
“I can tell. You could teach a class on awkward arm pats.”
“You’re jealous that your arm pats aren’t as great as mine,” I said as I walked into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee.
“I have something for you,” Luke said behind me.
“If it’s another muffin, I may have to pat both of your arms.” I flashed him a quick grin over my shoulder.
“Damn. I don’t have another muffin.”
“I’m sad.”
“I’m sad, too. I really could have used a double arm pat. All I have is this stupid piece of paper.” His hand appeared in front of me, holding a check written out to me for two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
“What is this?” I asked, reaching out for it. I turned around to give Luke my full attention.
“It’s some of the money I owe you,” he said.
“I don’t want it.” I tried to hand it back, but he retreated a couple of steps. “Luke, you can’t afford to give this back to me yet.”
“Yes, I can. We’ve done extremely well. We just had that big settlement.”
“Yes, you’ve done well, but…” I sighed and again held the check out to him. “Listen, I strongly suggest you talk to a financial advisor and hire an accountant full time. It may seem like you’re good now, but shit happens.”
He sighed and reluctantly took the check from me. “I felt really good about paying you back.”
“Aww,” I cooed sympathetically. “Do you want me to pat your arm?”
“Maybe later. I want to talk.” His playful expression grew serious.
“Oh boy. Can I at least have my coffee first?”
“Are you incapable of talking with a cup of coffee?”
“The damn stuff dribbles out of my mouth every time I try.”
“Maybe it’s best to swallow rather than spit,” he grinned.
“Are we still talking about coffee?” I gave him a suspicious look.
“You’re successfully avoiding an inevitable conversation.”
“You got me,” I admitted. “I’m so not ready for that conversation.”
“I’m not going to let this one go.”
“I know,” I said, and bit my bottom lip. “Maybe we can just postpone it.”
“I would need a damn good reason to postpone it.”
Without any longing looks or hesitation, he grabbed my ass with both hands, pressed my body to his and kissed me. His tongue felt so good in my mouth, I kissed back hungrily, trying to taste every ounce of him. He unbuttoned my capris, slipped his hand into my panties, and slid a finger inside me. I moaned into his mouth, and it didn’t take long for me to reach an orgasm.
Fired up and ready to go, Luke yanked my shorts and panties down and pulled my shirt off. He was out of his pants and boxers in a matter of seconds and before I could brace myself, he had lifted me up and slid into me.
We ended up on the cold tiled floor. Luke slowed his rhythm down as he ran his thumb gently over a scar in my hairline. His eyes locked with mine.
“I really love you,” he said, breathlessly. “Do you love me?”
“Always,” I panted and then groaned when he pressed deeper inside of me.
He wasn’t convinced. “Really?”
I dug my nails into his back during another deep thrust.
I knew he needed to hear me say the words. It would not have been enough for me either if he only implied that he loved me instead of saying it.
“I love you,” I whispered, stroking my fingers through his soft hair.
He kissed me and slammed into me so hard I slid backward. He held me close and slammed it home again, groaning and digging his fingers into my skin.
When he slowed again he gazed at me with a pained look in his eyes.
“You love me, but you don’t want me,” he said with such heavy sadness that it made me burst into tears.
I cried harder as a powerful orgasm rippled through me. Luke held me so tightly that it hurt as he rocked into me and climaxed with me.
Swiping away my tears, he softly apologized.
“I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
I covered my face, unable to stop the gushing tears. I had not cried since the day Lucas was born. Even then it was because of physical pain, not emotional pain. Every painful memory and emotion I had stored up exploded into me at once as I lay on the floor, still connected to Luke.
He sat up and pulled me into his arms and tried to soothe me, but I was inconsolable. Even if he had a c
lue about why I was crying and what was hurting me, it was impossible for him to know just deep the well of misery ran. He had no idea that Lucas was the only reason I was living.
Luke’s phone rang in his pants on the floor. He ignored it, even after it went off a second time, choosing to hold me instead, but when my own phone rang in the bedroom, he released me.
“Maybe Lucas is sick or something,” he said and went into the bedroom.
I wiped my face with a couple of paper towels and tried to get a grip. I could hear Luke talking in the other room, but I couldn’t hear what he was saying. When he returned, his expression was dark.
“My mom was just rushed to the hospital.”
Out of sheer panic, I stopped sobbing. We scrambled around the kitchen to get our clothes on. Luke made a quick trip to the bathroom and then we were out the door.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Grace Kessler had fallen down the stairs of her home. She broke her left arm and hit her head, requiring ten stitches and at least a twenty-four hour stay in the hospital for tests.
While the siblings argued about whether or not she should be permitted to live alone, or whether or not she needed to move into a safer environment, I stood by myself on the other side of the waiting room, looking out of a window. My mother was on her way to Chicago, summoned by Lena. I was trying to mentally prepare myself for that, but just couldn’t do it. I almost didn’t care. I had bigger things on my mind. Like Luke.
Eventually, the conversation would arise, and I had to have straightforward answers. That wasn’t easy considering I didn’t really have any to give. All I knew for sure was that when I was confronted with any opportunity to love and be loved, I had the intense reaction to run the other way.
“Are you okay?” Luke asked, startling me out of my thoughts.
I didn’t know how long I had been standing at the window, but Lena and Lorraine were gone.
“You’ve barely said two words since we left the apartment,” he said.
“I’m sorry.” I turned to face him. “Are you okay? How are you holding up?”
