by L. D. Davis
Later that night after Lucas was in bed, I sat on the living room couch looking towards the kitchen where Emmy was cleaning up. I couldn’t see her, but I could hear the hum of the dishwasher, the water running in the sink, and occasionally I’d hear a light cough or a sigh. I never cared to know what was going on in her head before, but now I was dying to get between her ears and know the things she knew, to relive what she lived when I was not there.
I was angry that Lucas was possibly hurt. The anger ran deep, contending with my dark emotions regarding the time I missed of his life because of Emmy’s foolish decisions. I was angry for my son, but I would be the biggest douche bag in Chicago if I wasn’t also angry for Emmy. Regardless of what she did to me, if Kyle Sterling physically hurt her, I wanted to personally break every bone in his smug body. I wanted him to hurt her, I really did, but not with his hands. I only had wanted her to feel the same emotional pain I had felt after I pulled my head out of the sand and faced the fact that she was not only truly screwing Kyle, but it didn’t appear that she was going to stop. I did not want her to suffer any physical abuse, and admittedly, I was still a douche bag for wanting her to suffer at all.
Emmy stepped out of the kitchen, wiping her wet hands on her jeans as she took a look around the living room and dining area to make sure everything was cleaned up. She did not look at me or say anything to me before disappearing into the room for the night. Up until this point, this was our version of normal and I was okay with normal. This time it wasn’t sitting well with me and I didn’t know what to do about it.
I did what any grown ass man would do in my position. I went to my big sister’s for some hot chocolate and a dose of harsh, cold reality.
***
On my way to Lena’s I dialed Claire at her office. She always worked late on Tuesdays. I wanted to make sure that she was okay, but I especially wanted to make sure that she went to the pharmacy like she said she would, but she didn’t answer. It was possible she was very busy or even in a late meeting, so I didn’t call back. I was going to trust that she did what she said she would do and not put us in a potentially dire situation.
I let myself into Lena’s like I did that night after I met Lucas for the first time. This time she wasn’t expecting me, but when I stepped into the kitchen she didn’t look surprised to see me. Immediately she pulled another mug out of the cabinet.
“I’m glad you stopped by,” she said as she poured hot cocoa into the mug.
“Me too,” I said and gladly took the steaming mug from her.
“Do you want some cookies?”
I looked at her with suspicion. “I came here to get some things off of my mind, but bringing out the cookies means you have something of your own to say.”
She grinned as she produced a container of cookies. “I can’t offer my little brother a fresh, homemade cookie?”
“Now I’m just plain scared,” I frowned, but eagerly removed the plastic lid and took a few cookies.
Lena sat down across from me and didn’t waste any time making me earn my chocolate chip cookies.
“You’re an asshole,” she said conversationally. “Do you know what an epic asshole you are?”
I said nothing, because I knew she was about to tell me what an epic asshole I was.
“You invite that woman and her baby into your home—to make it their own home, but it’s not a home. It’s a tomb. With baby stuff. I know you were angry and hurt about what Emmy did, Luke, but you have to move past it or let Emmy take Lucas and move out.”
“Am I supposed to just forget what she did, Lena? Is that what you’re suggesting?” I asked quietly, trying not to snap at her.
“Actually, yes. That is exactly what I am saying, Luke. You are treating her like shit.”
“I am not treating her like shit,” I argued.
“Yes, you are! You completely ignore her, as if she isn’t even worth the breath your words would use.”
“Maybe she’s not,” I muttered, knowing how cruel I sounded.
“See? Epic. Asshole.” She took a bite of a cookie and sipped her hot chocolate.
“What do you want me to do, Lena? Treat her like a fucking queen?”
She pointed at me as she swallowed her cookie. “That’s exactly what you should be doing. Emmy is the mother of your son—you don’t even pretend to talk to her even when you’re surrounded by your family. The only time you talk to her is if you guys need to talk about Lucas, and even then, you rather talk at her and not to her.”
“Should I sit down with her every night over a cup of fucking hot chocolate and ask her how her day was?” I growled.
“It wouldn’t kill you,” Lena said seriously. “Can you not see that she is suffering?”
I shifted uncomfortably. I tried not to see it, but of course I did.
“Luke, I think Emmy is very depressed.”
“Oh, so now you’re a doctor of psychiatry,” I snapped.
“No, you asshole,” she snapped back. “I have a pair of eyes that work just fine, as do you. You can’t miss the misery that woman is carrying around with her, but you choose to ignore it.”
“I’m not the one that damaged her,” I reminded Lena. “It was the other way around.”
“Everything is all about you, isn’t it?”
I knew Lena was getting angry when she pushed away her mug and threw down her cookie. I also knew that I was going to be in a fair amount of trouble and at risk of getting my ass kicked if her hot chocolate was no longer hot when she got back to it.
“I understand that you are still angry, but she’s beating herself up enough, Luke. She probably thinks she deserves the way you’re treating her, but she doesn’t. Emmy is an excellent mother to Lucas and she’s right here with the rest of us helping to take care of Mom, and need I remind you of your clean apartment and hot dinners every night? She does not deserve to be treated as terribly as you’re treating her. Stop punishing her, Luke. It’s not like you to be cruel, but you are going above and beyond to be cruel to Emmy.”
I sighed as I focused on picking at my cookie. “I’m not sure I can just stop being hurt by what she did.”
“You may never stop being hurt by what she did,” Lena said. “But you won’t even try. You need to really look at her and you need to really try to make it work better than it is now, because this isn’t good for Lucas either.”
I knew she was right. No matter how stubborn I was being about it, I knew Lena was absolutely right, but I didn’t know how to change it. How do I just suddenly open up casual dialogue with someone I disliked so hard for so long, and with someone I loved so hard but hurt me fifty times harder? That was why I was sitting in Lena’s kitchen, though. I don’t know why I fought her so hard when the very reason I showed up at my sister’s was to get advice on how to begin to repair my relationship with Emmy.
“She has nightmares,” I said softly as I stared at the cookie crumbs on the table. “I don’t know how long they’ve been going on, but last night I heard her and…”
I crushed the remaining cookies in my hand.
“What happened to her?” Lena asked gently. “Something has happened to her. I can see it in her eyes.”
“I think he hurt her,” I said as both my hands closed into tight fists. “It’s possible he hurt Lucas, too.”
“The other guy?”
I nodded. Lena was quiet for a long time before she spoke again.
“But…if he would have hurt Lucas, surely she would have said something.”
I gave her a dubious look. “She didn’t even tell us about Lucas until he was five months old, Lena.”
“I know, but that’s different. I think Sam would have spoken up.”
“Maybe,” I said, still feeling doubtful. “Maybe Sam doesn’t know.”
“Well,” she sighed. “Emmy’s not going to open up to you right now. It’s going to take some time, and you’re going to have to be nicer.”
“I guess we should at least be able to have a con
versation that doesn’t involve groceries or Lucas,” I sighed. “But I don’t want you to expect too much out of this.”
“I only expect for you to be the kind hearted soul I know you are,” she said, retrieving her mug of cocoa. “Maybe you can get her out of the house more, too. She doesn’t get out much at all.”
“I should hire her in the office,” I snorted.
I was only joking, but Lena said, “Why not? Isn’t that her thing?”
I looked at my sister. “I’m not sure if she is ready to go back to work, and we don’t have a babysitter.”
“You won’t know until you ask her, and god knows that you can use some help getting the firm in order.”
“What about Lucas?” I asked, feeling a little optimistic about the whole thing.
“I’ll watch him,” she shrugged.
“Okay,” I nodded slowly. “I’ll ask her.”
Just like that I got the answer I needed. I now knew how to begin the healing process with Emmy. I didn’t set my hopes very high, but at least I now had a starting point.
Chapter Seven
Emmy moved around the kitchen preparing dinner, lost in her own thoughts. When I walked in holding Lucas, she only acknowledged me with a glance, believing I was going to get whatever I needed and get the hell out, but when I moved closer to where she was working, she looked up, a little startled.
“I need a huge favor,” I said.
She looked at me expectantly—rather she looked at a point below my eyes.
“My office is a mess. It's so disorganized and we're incredibly busy. My receptionist…well, she's just a receptionist. I need someone to come in and get us organized and on track.”
“You're asking me?” Her eyes looked into mine for the first time in months, and her mouth hung open in genuine surprise.
“Yes, I am. You're a very good office manager. I wish I had thought to ask you sooner.”
“I can try.” She shrugged and turned her attention back to the stove. “When?”
“Tomorrow,” I said, adjusting Lucas in my arms.
“What am I supposed to do with Lucas?”
“Lena will take him.”
I could tell she was conflicted. She probably had no intentions of going back to work anytime soon and leaving our son in the care of someone else. She bit her bottom lip as she thought about it. I had forgotten how sexy I used to think it was when she pulled that lip between her teeth.
Slow down, I told myself. I had to remember that my intentions were to get help in my office while opening a casual dialogue within our home, not to rekindle any kind of flame.
“I’ll do it,” Emmy said finally.
“Thank you so much,” I breathed. I realized I sounded like I was gushing a little bit. “I know you will be a big, big help.”
“I hope so,” she said quietly.
“You will be. I know it. Hey, at least this gets you out of the house for a little while. Maybe this will be good for you. You haven't been yourself.” That was the understatement of the century. This woman that has been slinking around my apartment all of these months was someone else entirely.
“I haven't been myself in two years,” she said softly, still refusing to meet my eyes.
I took a deep breath. In order to move forward we were going to have to acknowledge some faults—from both of us. I didn’t want the conversation to get too deep after so much non-communicating, but I couldn’t walk away from her words, especially since they made my chest ache a little bit.
“Look, I know I haven't made things any easier,” I said. “I guess I didn't realize how bad things are here until Lena brought it to my attention.”
Finally her eyes met mine. I was shocked at how gratifying that was, but Emmy was looking at me for an explanation.
“She said it was like a tomb in here, that unless we're talking to or about Lucas we don't talk at all. She said that even when we're at family functions, I barely acknowledge you.”
I felt like the epic asshole I was for acknowledging it out loud. Lucas had been quiet throughout the conversation thus far, as if he had known that this needed to be done, but now he was babbling and vying for my attention. I gladly gave it to him, because I was honestly feeling a little nervous about what she was going to do with the information I gave her. Was she going to agree with my sister and put me in my place like the old Emmy would, or was she going to just quietly accept and forgive? I kind of wanted her to tell me I’ve been an asshole.
“What else did Lena say?”
I definitely had not intended to go down this road, but we were talking, and I started it, so I needed to answer her questions before she shut down again.
“She said that she thinks you're depressed and that you think you deserve how I treat you, and that you're still beating yourself up. I guess I didn't stop to think about it before today, or I just looked the other way, but I suppose she's right, on all accounts. I argued with her at first, but she got really pushy, as only a big sister can do.”
She didn’t answer, and that was like an answer in of itself. It was as if she was conceding to what I said, as if she was just too damn broken to care that we knew she was broken.
I watched her for a moment as she began to clean up some of the mess she made in cooking. I should have backed off and focused on filling her in all she needed to know about the firm, but I couldn’t stop myself from pushing the current topic.
“I'm really looking at you for the first time since the day I met Lucas. Em, you just seem…hollow. Like everything that makes you who you are is missing.”
“Who am I really?” she asked, focusing on the pan she was washing in the sink. “The woman who steals another woman's man? Am I the woman who cheats a good man out of everything he deserves? Or am I the woman who lets herself be used and abused? Maybe I'm the woman who keeps a child from his loving father. That's who I am, Luke. You're not missing anything great.”
I did not expect to hear anything like this from her. I wasn’t sure exactly what I expected, but it wasn’t this self-depraving bullshit. She really was still beating herself up over what happened between us, but how could she not when I was cold and hostile to her every damn day? And did she say she was abused? If I had not heard her during her nightmare I may have overlooked that sentence entirely, but now it only further confirmed that Kyle Sterling had abused her.
I didn’t trust myself to speak, but I couldn’t close my mouth. I felt Lucas’s slobbery hands on my face but I didn’t care.
“Don't look so surprised,” she said as she took out dishes for dinner. “You said yourself that you were wrong about who I am.”
Fuck. I knew when I first spoke them that those words were cruel, but now I knew she had hung on to them and fueled her self-hatred. I tried to find the words now to try to take back those words, or to take away their effect, but I only managed to sputter out meaningless jabber.
She took Lucas from my arms and turned away.
“I'll put him down for bed,” she said. “Enjoy your dinner.”
The bedroom door closed. I stood rooted to the kitchen floor for a moment before marching over to the door with the intentions of bursting into the room and forcing her to continue with the conversation, but I knew I could push her to shut down completely, and I didn’t want her to shut down. I know I had not intended for our conversation to be a heavy one, but now that it had happened, I wanted more. I wanted to know what was going on inside her head. Everything she did to me suddenly didn’t matter as much anymore. What mattered now was that I wanted the old Emmy back—not as my girlfriend, but as my friend. Not for my sake, but for hers, and for Lucas’s. If I can’t get her to climb out of this dark hole and back into the light, Lucas would never have any idea just how incredible his mother really is. He would know a different person altogether, and that made me sad for him. And maybe a little for myself, too.
***
I watched Emmy’s face as she left Lucas with Lena the next morning. She was struggling
with it inside, but she sucked it up and quickly walked away. I understood how hard it must have been—she was never separated from Lucas for more than a couple of hours at a time, and now she was leaving him behind for an entire day. I also had a feeling she tended to use Lucas as a barrier between her and everyone else, and now she had nothing but her own skin.
To get her mind off of Lucas, on the drive to the office I gave her as much information as I could about the firm and its needs. She listened intently and asked questions, but I don’t think anything could have prepared her for the real mess my office was. She stood in the middle of the main room turning in a slow circle with her eyes wide and her mouth hanging open. I actually felt embarrassed. Emmy was an administrative beast. It was like having a dirty kitchen and bad food at a restaurant and having Robert Irvine come in, but I knew Emmy could be much scarier than the star chef. At least the old Emmy was scarier. I was worried that I would only get the new, quiet, docile Emmy when I really needed Emmy the beast, but she didn’t let me down.
My associates and I watched with amazement as some of the woman I used to know reared her awesomely scary head and laid into Kacey after she walked in the door with her I’m-Just-Here-To-Get-Paid-For-Taking-Up-Space attitude. My partner Steve was equally impressed, and one of my other attorneys announced his newfound love for her.
I wanted to watch Emmy in action for a while longer, because even though this was only a little bit of the old Em, I was intrigued and even happy to see her emerge. But I had work to do, so I left her to what she knew how to do best and went into my office. I didn’t see her again until I was on my way out for court. I was just blown over by all of the work she had accomplished in only a couple of hours, and I was even further impressed that Kacey was actually working.
