by L. D. Davis
Rico Havarez was having one of the biggest parties of the year, and even though dozens of people would end up crashing it anyway, he had given me a personal invite. Rico was a senior, like my brother. We had an art class together and we had shared the same table since September. Naturally, we became friendly. There were always rumors flying through the halls about Rico, but rumors were an ever-changing animal. What was rumored to be true on Monday usually warped into some other version of truth by Wednesday. I typically gave people the benefit of doubt, but I had to learn the hard way that particular weekend that I couldn’t always do that.
Tack had forbidden me from going to the party. Usually, I obeyed my brother. I loved him, respected him, and looked up to him. As I said, I was a pretty good kid, but I really wanted to go to that party. I knew it would be a crazy time and I wanted to do something crazy. I always colored between the lines, but I was feeling a little rebellious. Leslie had branched out, made new friends and gone to a few parties throughout the year. She wouldn’t be at that particular one because she was going away for the break, but I thought it was a perfect time for me to begin to venture out on my own.
“I’m going with Sandy and her cousin. It’s not like I’m going as Rico’s date,” I said gently to my brother. “We’re just buddies, Tack. It’s not like I’m going there so I can make out with him in some dark corner.”
“Yeah, but I’ll bet that’s just exactly what he intends to do,” Tack said. “Look, Tabitha, I get it, okay? You’re a freshman, you’ve always been this nerdy bookworm type of girl, and a popular senior asks you to go to a party. Your girly parts are all happy and hormonal and I’m sure you and Leslie did this funky dance-giggle thing after you told her about it, but Rico is not as nice as he’s pretending to be. He is not a good guy, and I don’t want you to find out the hard way.”
I wasn’t stupid. I knew what Tack was talking about, but I didn’t think it applied to me. I spent an hour a day with Rico, five days a week for months. I never got the impression that he was into me like that. We painted, sculpted, sketched, and talked about music, television, football, and our art teacher’s wardrobe. We cracked jokes, shared snacks that one of us smuggled into class, and complimented and critiqued each other’s work. He never did or said anything inappropriate, only touched me to get my attention, and never ever mentioned that he wanted to make out with me in some dark corner.
Tack was wrong. He misunderstood my buddy-buddy relationship with Rico, and he definitely didn’t see that I was not Rico’s type. Rico did not do chubby, ‘nerdy bookworm’ types.
“Do I have to tell Mom?” Tack asked me. He looked reluctant to tattle on me and he probably was. “I’m not going to be here to keep you from going, but if you’re at Emmy’s…”
“No, you don’t have to tell Mom,” I answered quietly and then lied. “I won’t go.”
“That was a beautiful sibling moment,” Leo said from the backseat, clapping slowly.
I rolled my eyes and resisted the urge to throw something at him. On bad weather days, or days when Tack wasn’t busy with other things, he gave Leo, Leslie, and I a ride home from school. Leo still had a special knack for annoying me, though not as frequently as before. But he was monopolizing Leslie’s time, and for that, I was bitter. It was bad enough that I was losing her to her new friends, but Leo was taking her away from me, too.
“You’re destroying her childhood,” Leslie argued from the back. “It’s a rite of passage for a freshman to go to a senior’s party—a senior who isn’t her dorky brother.”
“Stay out of this, Leslie,” Tack growled, glaring at her in the rearview mirror. “Or you can walk home.”
“Too late, Tackleberry,” Leslie said, and she was right. The car slowed to a stop at the edge of her driveway. She leaned forward and put a gentle hand on my shoulder. I looked into her crystal blue, apologetic eyes. “There will be other parties,” she said soothingly.
I knew Leslie well enough to know that she believed that I was going to obey my brother and stay home with a book and Saturday night television. It only made me feel more rebellious.
“Have fun in Jamaica,” I said, forcing a smile for my best friend as she threw open her door.
“Totally.” She beamed. “I’ll bring you back a hot chocolate Jamaican guy. Thanks for the ride, Tackleberry.”
“You’re welcome. Now get out of my car,” Tack demanded.
Leslie leaned in to Leo for a kiss. I turned away before their lips met, but still heard it, a moist, soft sound that somehow hurt my ears. Leslie said her goodbyes to me again before exiting the car and running to her front door.
I thought the conversation was over, but as we continued down the road, Tack continued. “If I were going to be there to watch over you, I’d let you go. I want you to have fun, Tabby, but Rico doesn’t treat girls well.”
“Says the senior slut?” I almost laughed. My brother was kissing a new girl every week.
“I would never make any girl feel uncomfortable—in a bad way,” Tack said hurriedly.
I didn’t understand until later exactly what he had meant by that. “Is there a good way of making a girl feel uncomfortable?” I asked, dubious.
Tack laughed softly. “Someday, some guy is going to make you feel uncomfortable—in a good way. I’ll still want to bash his face in, but you’ll know what I mean then.”
I was reminded of that night on my bed after Leo tutored me, how he had captured me with his eyes and sat so very close to me. I could still feel his whisper on my face close to my mouth as he told me that his heart was beating super-fast, and feel the moist spot on my neck from the candy that had been in his mouth. That was uncomfortable, but I wasn’t sure if it was a good uncomfortable.
I glanced at Leo in the back seat. A tiny, almost imperceptible smile appeared at one corner of his mouth as he looked back at me, but then it was gone and he looked away.
Leo came home with us that day. Our English teacher had stuck us together on a project that was due when we returned from our break, but even though Leo and I didn’t agree on much, we did agree to finish up the project as soon as possible so it wouldn’t hang over our heads during our time off.
“Would you like something to drink?” I asked Leo after we dropped our stuff on the dining room table. “Like antifreeze? Cyanide?”
“Oh, you’re too kind, Tacky,” he said, touching a hand to his heart. “As much as I’d love a trip to the morgue today, I think I’ll settle for a Coke instead, free of any of your personal touches, of course.”
“How disappointing,” I responded before leaving the room.
I walked into the kitchen where my mother was peeling potatoes. Something meaty was roasting in the oven. The aroma was mouthwatering. I was tempted to open the oven and peer inside, but my mother hated that. She said it released all of the heat and made the cooking process longer, but the few times I saw Tack do it, my mom said nothing to him. He was her golden boy. We could do the same exact things, but I would always be the one to get in trouble for it.
“Where’s your brother?” Mom asked when I entered.
“I guess he’s in his room.”
“Did he have a good day, do you know? Did he sign up for baseball?”
I pulled two Coke’s out of the fridge. Shaking one of the cans vigorously, I said, “I don’t know and I don’t know.”
She didn’t ask me how my day was, or how my latest math test went, or anything about school. I was used to it, so I didn’t hang around to wait for it. My mother’s main focus had always been Tack. Tack was a superstar, had been one since peewee football, and great things were expected of him.
I had just handed Leo his Coke and sat down when Mom came in, carrying a letter.
“I forgot to tell you this came for you today,” she said, tossing it on the table in front of me. She walked away without waiting for a response.
I stared at the letter for a moment. It was from a university in Pennsylvania that had a writing program that
was offered to a select few high school students. My application had consisted of various questions about my life and hobbies, and I had to submit a short story with it. I didn’t expect to be chosen. There were plenty of kids in the area that deserved it just as much, if not more than I did.
“Don’t just stare at it,” Leo said quietly from across the table. “Open it.”
I looked up at him, surprised for a moment before I remembered discussing it with Leslie in front of Leo. He knew what I was holding in my hands. I let my eyes fall back to the letter.
“It’s okay if I didn’t get in,” I said with a shrug.
Okay? It would not be okay. My pounding heart and sweaty palms were strong indicators of it so not being okay if I didn’t get in. I wanted it, and even if someone else did deserve it more than me, it didn’t mean I wanted it any less.
“You deserve to get in,” Leo said seriously. I gave him a cautious look because he was being nice. “Open it already.”
I took a deep breath and tore the envelope open.
“I got in!” I slapped the table. “Yes!”
“Congratulations,” Leo smiled at me as I jumped up to go tell my mom. When I reached the threshold, I heard the popping sound as he opened his can of soda, and then the liquid-like explosive noise as Coke splattered all over him. “Oh fu—”
“Mom!” I shook the paper at her. “The university accepted me into their writing program!”
“That’s great, Tabitha,” she said with a genuine smile.
“I know it’s going to be an inconvenience since it’s in the city, but it’s an opportunity of a lifetime,” I gushed and then squealed with happiness.
“I need a towel,” Leo said lamely from the doorway.
“As long as it doesn’t interfere with your brother’s games, it’s okay,” Mom said, handing Leo a roll of paper towels. She didn’t seem at all concerned with the fact that soda was dripping from his face and soaking his shirt.
The grin on my face faltered some as I clutched the paper. “Well, it will be every Saturday from nine to one,” I said. “I’m sure Tack will be okay if you’re a little late or miss a couple of games. It’s only for a few weeks.”
“Tabitha, you know I can’t miss any of his games,” my mother said irritably, like I was so wrong for even suggesting it.
I wanted to say, “can’t, or won’t?” but I didn’t. Instead, I asked, “How am I supposed to get there?”
Mom shrugged. “You can take the train. You’re old enough.”
“She’s a fourteen-year-old freshman in high school with no real experience in the city,” Leo said, looking at my mom with a dumbfounded expression, as if that should and would change my mom’s mind.
I don’t know why he thought he had a part in our family conversation, but his words were a thought that had indeed crossed my mind.
Mom gave him a harsh look, and for a second, I thought she was going to tell him to mind his own business, but she turned away from Leo and spoke to me. “I’ll give you money to get back and forth. Maybe someone can go with you if you’re afraid to go alone, or maybe you can re-apply another year.”
I wished I could say that I was surprised by her reaction, but I wasn’t. Leo stood in the doorway with his mouth hanging open, looking from her to me. I didn’t want him to open his big mouth again, so I shrugged and pushed him back toward the dining room.
“It’s fine,” I said to her. “I can go alone.”
“What the hell was that?” Leo asked a little too loudly after I pushed him into his seat. He had seen some of my parents’ indifference to me over the months, but nothing as blatant as that.
“Can we just get started on this paper?” I asked, ignoring his question. It was humiliating enough that my mother clearly preferred my brother over me. I didn’t feel the need to discuss it with Leo of all people.
As I unloaded my backpack, I felt Leo’s eyes on me, but I didn’t want to meet them. I didn’t want to share my sadness with him.
“Tabitha,” he started in a quiet voice.
I ignored him and began talking about our project. After a moment, he got the hint and together, we got started on our assignment. We didn’t talk about what happened between my mom and me. After a while, he even went back to terrorizing me until I was hitting him with my English book.
Later that night as I lay in bed listening to music, I thought about the fact that my mom was going to be okay with letting her fourteen-year-old daughter go into the city alone. If she were okay with that, surely she wouldn’t care about me going to a party. Then again, if Tack told her he didn’t want me to go, she would have agreed with him just because he was her perfect baby boy, but Tack wasn’t going to be there, and I had promised him I wouldn’t go.
But I lied to my brother, and after that, I was more determined than ever to go to that party.
My vision was hazy and my body felt heavy and numb in some places. I stumbled on the stairs, my feet missing step after step, but with his arms around me, he kept me from falling and kept me moving until we stumbled into the hallway on the second floor. The passage was dark and I could barely make out the shapes of doors on either side of me, but we continued walking straight until we reached a door at the very end of the hall. He pushed it open and soft light bathed the doorway. His hand on my back guided me inside the bedroom and the door closed behind us.
A small voice in the back of my head, locked away in the distance, screamed a warning, but I couldn’t hear it clearly. It was too far, and the voice sounded garbled and faded. It grew a little louder as strong hands landed gently on my shoulders and began to turn me, but I still couldn’t hear what it was saying.
When I had turned one-hundred and eighty degrees, Rico held my face in his hands and leaned forward. I knew instantly that he was going to kiss me. It was going to be my first kiss; Rico was going to give me my first kiss. I had imagined my first kiss with Tom Cruise, Bon Jovi, and a boy that I saw at the mall once in a while, but never with Rico. Not that he wasn’t attractive, because he was. Tall and lean, with dark hair and dark eyes and skin the color of coffee with cream in it, he was a good-looking guy, but I never had the desire to kiss him before, and I didn’t have the desire to kiss him then, either.
The mind thinks of funny things when it’s inebriated. Leo’s face came to mind just before Rico’s lips touched mine. I could see his face inches from mine in my bedroom that night he came over to tutor me. He had said his heart was beating fast and I never found out why. I wondered if he was about to kiss me that night. Maybe Leo was about to kiss me and Tack screwed it up, but that didn’t make sense. Leo liked Leslie, I was sure of it, and I wasn’t like Leslie. I wasn’t as pretty as she was, and where she was always down for a party or a get-together, I was the stay-at-home-like-a-dork kind of girl. There was no way he wanted to kiss me.
But…maybe a part of me wished he had…
Rico’s mouth pressed against mine as one hand pressed lightly on the back of my head. His tongue, slippery and serpent-like, slithered across my closed lips, seeking entrance until I opened up to let him in. He moaned as his tongue slid into my mouth, and his kiss almost immediately turned hard and ferocious. It was my first kiss, I didn’t know how to kiss and he was kissing me as if I’d had years of practice. I didn’t know what to do with my mouth, my tongue, my hands, or anything. I always thought my first kiss would be soft and sweet and meaningful, but this was animalistic, and not in a sexy way. Rico was going to suck my face off.
The backs of my knees hit the bed and it was only then that I realized he had been pushing me backward as he kissed me. He kept pushing as I was falling back and he was falling with me, until I was caught in a compromising position on the bed with Rico on top of me. That voice in the back of my head was getting louder as he began to kiss my neck. As his hands began to wander over my body, the voice became clearer. When his fingers squeezed at my breasts, I understood the voice and could hear it as if someone was speaking in my ear.
Get up! Don’t let this happen!
“Stop,” I said suddenly to Rico and put my hands on his shoulders in an effort to push him away.
“You don’t want me to stop,” he said breathlessly as his hands continued to wander down to the hem of the skirt I was wearing. “I’m so glad you wore a skirt. You have pretty sexy legs for a big girl.”
“Stop,” I repeated and pushed at him again, but my attempts were feeble at best. My limbs still felt heavy and drunk after the shots Rico supplied me with through the night.
“I’ve wanted this for a long time,” Rico groaned as his hands moved up my thighs and under my skirt. “You smell so sweet.”
“I don’t want to do this, Rico,” I said as his fingers moved over my panties. My heart pounded hard in my chest and my breathing became labored. I’d never had a panic attack before, but I knew that’s what was happening.
“Ssshhh,” he whispered against my lips. “You’re just nervous,” he said, attempting to sound gentle and comforting.
I felt temporary relief when he took his hand out of my skirt, but then the panic began again as his fingers began to work the buttons on my shirt. I used one hand and shoved at one of his. I succeeded in pushing him away, but he took a part of my shirt with him. Buttons flew, fabric was torn, and my cleavage and bra were exposed. Rico looked down in shock at the piece of shirt in his hand. My brain was sluggish, but the instinct to protect myself kicked in full force, and I brought my knee up hard between his legs. He howled in pain and rolled off of me, gripping at his balls.
“Fuck!” he yelled, rolling back and forth on the bed. His eyes were pinched shut and his face was bright red. “What did you do that for?”
I scrambled off of the bed and fell to the floor, but quickly pulled myself back up. I stumbled to the door, pulled it open and fled with Rico shouting my name from the bedroom behind me.
The party was in full swing, with music pounding from speakers, bodies dancing and doing other things, people laughing and yelling and I smelled pot in the air. I kept my head down and my shirt pulled together in my hands as I hurried through the crowd and outside into the snowy night. It was spring, it should not have been snowing, and I should not have had to walk home in it in the middle of the night, but Rico had promised Sandy’s cousin that he would get me home after the girls had to leave to make curfew, but now that wasn’t possible. I don’t know why the girls trusted him or why I even trusted him. I don’t know why I didn’t trust in my brother.
