by L. D. Davis
My dad stood up so fast, his chair fell backward.
“Who hurt you?” he demanded, several years too late.
“You mean besides you guys?” I asked flatly, refusing to look at him.
“Who was it?” he said, and when I didn’t answer, he slammed a fist on the table. “Damn it, Tabitha, who almost…raped you!”
I finally looked at him, drained after my outburst. “His name was Rico Havarez, but if you feel like suddenly being a parent and exacting justice on him, Dad, you’re too late. It was fourteen years ago, and Leo did enough damage to his mouth that Rico will never be able to forget my face.”
My dad stood there, chest heaving, glaring at no one in particular. Suddenly, he picked up his plate and threw it against the wall behind Tack, making the plate shatter. Everyone at the table jumped and gasped and watched with stunned silence as the mashed potatoes with gravy, meatloaf, and peas slid down the wall.
“What kind of family are we?” Dad demanded viciously. “What kind of parents were we, Kelly, when our only daughter couldn’t come to us to tell us that some boy violated her.”
“Almost,” I reminded him, my voice just above a whisper.
“There are no ‘almosts’ in life, Tabitha. There is and there is not. Did and did not. If he touched you in any way you did not welcome, he did violate you,” Dad snarled before glaring down at my mother. “And where were we? She’s our only daughter, Kelly!” He turned his eyes to Tack. “Your only sister, Tack!”
Another shock came when my mother suddenly stood up and something that sounded like a sob escaped from her. She hurried from the room, but she was clearly and audibly crying as I heard her footsteps retreat up the stairs. Dad dragged a hand over his face, and I really took note to how much older he looked than he really was.
“I’m sorry, kids,” he said softly. I didn’t miss the moisture in his eyes before he turned away to go tend to my mom.
“I told you not to go to that damn party,” Tack said as I stared after my dad, dumbfounded.
“I told you not to do drugs,” I countered.
“We have a fucked-up family,” Tack said sadly, resting his shaking hands on the table. “I’m the most fucked-up of us all.”
I poured more wine for both of us. “Well, let’s get drunk, because that’s how a fucked-up family solves their problems. Why are your hands shaking, Tack?”
“Withdrawal,” he said simply. “It’s going to get worse and I’ll break and hit up my supplier and the cycle will start all over again,” he said conversationally.
I had stepped into some alternate universe at some point during the day, because Tack was lucid and rather rational and my parents were the unstable ones.
“I thought you didn’t care to quit.”
“My girlfriend is pregnant.”
I didn’t skip a beat. “I thought your girlfriend was coke.”
“I’m sure Nora feels that way sometimes, too,” Tack said dryly before sipping his wine.
“You’re serious? You knocked someone up?” I asked.
“She’s three months along already,” he said, and then looked at me with a very serious expression. “I can’t screw this up, Tabitha.”
“No,” I agreed and sipped my wine. “You can’t.”
Days passed, then weeks. Before I knew it, we were quickly approaching the Labor Day holiday. Leo planned on coming up to New Jersey to the house he bought near the beach for a week or so. The plan was for him to return to Miami and I was to follow by the beginning of October. We were still doing it, moving in together and getting married. My fears had come to nothing, but my relationship with Leo felt off kilter. We didn’t talk any less than we did any other time we were apart, but there was definitely a rift between us and I wasn’t sure how to cross, or if we could cross it.
I had not heard from Leslie since she thanked me for the flowers. Leo told me that he told her everything about us, going all the way back to the night he meant to ask me out, but Leslie had asked him out instead. He told her about my aversion to him because of the pact I had made with her. I should have been the one to tell her, but it didn’t work out that way. I had no idea what she thought of me or Leo; he had not been clear on that because he didn’t know, either. I thought that I wouldn’t care, but I did care. I still didn’t want to hurt her.
My parents became weird and creepy. One Saturday afternoon, they showed up at my apartment with empty boxes, tape, and other packing materials. They brought a case of beer from a local brewery and my mom had made a shepherd’s pie to reheat for dinner later. My dad was enthusiastic about building a new relationship with me. My mom wasn’t exactly enthusiastic, but I knew she was really trying hard. Once, I caught her staring at me with tears in her eyes. It was awkward, but neither of us said anything, and I didn’t recoil later when she hesitantly hugged me.
I heard from Mayson that Emmy was in town. Apparently, a bar I didn’t even realized she owned burned down and she came to take care of some business with that and to visit Donya and her new baby. It was time for me to bury the hatchet with my cousin. I got the name of her hotel and room number from Mayson and made a surprise visit. I did not beat around the bush.
“I hated you for a long time,” I told her.
Her face flushed, but she remained silent and patient.
“You had a lot of money for a kid, and you were funding all of the drugs you, Mayson, and Tack were doing. Mayson and Tack, as you well know, got hooked really hard. I don’t know if you didn’t do as much as they did or you were just stronger willed, but you stopped, and that was good for you, but you stopped and you just…left them. Tack turned into a whole different person. He stole tens of thousands of dollars from my parents and he was always getting arrested and they went penniless putting him through rehabs that he didn’t want to do. Mayson, god, you know what happened with Mayson. Thank god, she finally cleaned up, but, Emmy,” I sighed and shifted in my seat. “That’s why I hated you. You had all of your fun and then when everything fell apart, you didn’t help clean up the mess.”
Her fingers curled on her knees as she swallowed repeatedly several times. When she spoke, her voice was broken, like she was on the verge of crying. “I’m sorry, but I…I was so scared. I was just a kid myself, Tabitha. I saw Tack and May tumbling out of control and I felt myself losing control and I just…I didn’t want to be powerless. And I know it seems like I just deserted them but I didn’t know how to help them and I couldn’t risk getting pulled back into all of that. You have to understand that.”
I did understand that. I had never been addicted to anything—Leo’s kisses didn’t count. I thought about how I act when I get a strong craving for a certain food, how I will think about it constantly and seek it out and then devour it. Too much food can be bad enough, but what if it was a drug, like cocaine? What if I couldn’t stop?
“Well,” I sighed. “I’m over it. I lost a lot of time with people I really care about because of my own inhibitions and I’m sorry, Emmy. I am glad you got over your drug problem and that you’re okay now, and I’m glad I went to Lucas’s party and got to meet him.”
Emmy laughed even though she looked sad as she wiped away a few tears. “Thank you, but I’m not okay.”
She realized what she said and then amended it with, “I mean, who’s really okay these days, right?”
I looked at her with concern. “Are you okay?”
She smiled. It was genuine, but still so much sadness behind it, and it made me wonder what the hell else she had gone through that I was unaware of. I suppose we all have our secrets.
“I’m as okay as I can be,” she said vaguely. “How is Tack now?”
Exasperated, I said, “He’s trying to clean up, he really is. His girlfriend is pregnant and he wants to be a good father to his baby, but it’s hard. Almost all of his friends are addicts. He knows every drug hole in the Tri-State Area. I don’t know how he can quit something he’s been doing for almost fifteen years when he’s surrounded
by it.”
“Maybe he should try an out of state rehab?” Emmy suggested.
“He’s done all of that in the past,” I sighed.
“There’s some affluent rehab center in the middle of nowhere in France. It’s a farm, literally. Since they are in the middle of nowhere, they only make one trip a month to get supplies, and they grow and kill all their own food. Clients can only go there after a detox though, because their medical facilities are minimally equipped. I heard about it when I was over there when I was, uh, pregnant with Lucas.”
There was a story with that, but I didn’t feel right asking. Instead, I said, “Yeah, but I’ll bet it costs a fortune. I make good money, but not that good. I’m already feeling uncomfortable after traipsing around Europe and Australia.”
“I can pay for it,” she said it so easily, you would think she was offering to pay for a candy bar.
“What?” I blinked.
“I can pay for it,” she said insistently. “I have the money. Luke pays for everything Lucas and I need and I’ve always been a very good saver. Let me do it, if Tack is willing. Is his girlfriend an addict?”
“No. Believe it or not, she’s never done a drug in her life, and yet she fell in love with my drug addict brother. Go figure.”
“Can’t help who you love,” Emmy shrugged.
“Guess not,” I agreed.
“So, let me do this for Tack, for your whole family,” Emmy said. “Don’t tell me it’s too much money and don’t give me any of that bullshit about charity or owing people. We haven’t been around each other in a long, long time, Tabby, but we’re still family. We’ll always be family, and families take care of each other.”
Flustered, I chuckled and said, “But it’s up to Tack.”
“Don’t worry, we’ll convince him, and we can send his girlfriend out there, too. She won’t be able to stay too close to the facility, because like I said, there’s nothing really out there. I’m sure we can figure something out so that they can be somewhat close.”
“Okay.” I grinned. “Okay! Oh, my god, I can’t wait to tell him. Thank you, thank you so much.” We stood up and started toward the door. It was getting late and she had a child to take care of in the morning. I stopped at the door and turned to Emmy. “Listen, Leo and I are going to be in Belmar for the holiday. It’s a big house. Why don’t you and Lucas come stay? You can stay the weekend or the whole week, whatever you like. I’ll invite Mayson and Donya, too.”
Emmy’s eyes lit up. “I’d love that. Thank you.”
“I’ll be in touch,” I said and then surprised her when I embraced her. “Thank you so much.”
“You’re welcome,” she said softly. “And Tabitha?”
“Hmm?”
“Don’t wait another fifteen years to tell me when you’re pissed at me.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Not all relationships can be mended. Two months after I became reacquainted with my cousin Emmy, Leslie finally broke the stillness that had been lying between us in this letter:
Tabitha,
First, I should tell you that I don’t hate you. I don’t despise you or dislike you. You were my best friend once upon a time, and I will always have a place for you in my heart. We went in two different directions after high school, and I became so absorbed in my new friends and new life that I forgot about you little by little. A missed call here, an unopened email there, they added up until there were weeks and then months between conversations and reunions. I am sorry for that. It wasn’t something I meant to happen. I used to think that we would be the best of friends until we were old and gray, sitting in rocking chairs on some porch somewhere, chattering toothlessly about our great-great grandchildren.
I know these things happen, friends grow apart and move on without each other, but that doesn’t make it right. I also know that you tried really hard to hold on to our friendship, but I let you down, and I will always feel bad about that. I wish there were a way for me to fix it, but there’s not. We can’t go back, and moving forward...well, I’m not sure about that either.
There was always an element between you and Leo that I didn’t have with him, and I was too young to understand what it all meant. Despite your constant squabbling, you and Leo blended well together. Even with the arguments and insults and headlocks, there was an ebb and flow to your relationship that I was never able to touch. You two had your own private jokes, experiences, and secrets I wasn’t privy to. I didn’t mind. I was glad that my best friend and my boyfriend got along so well, and almost every time the three of us were together, we had fun and made great memories, but I shouldn’t have been surprised when I realized that maybe something happened between the two of you. I know you tried to tell me, and I never wanted to hear it. If I didn’t hear it, it didn’t happen.
You broke our code, and even though I know the code was childish and selfish, it doesn’t hurt me or anger me any less. Code or no code, you tiptoed over a line. It’s hard to see you and Leo together. It was heart-shattering to see the way he touched you, looked at you and spoke to you. I had never seen that kind of tenderness in him before. It is clear that the love between you and him is solid, strong, and real, and I can’t hate you for that, but I can’t watch it either.
I need time. It’s only been a year since Leo and I lost our baby, and less than that since he rejected me (twice). I know that you must really, truly love him, and that you really believe he is the one for you, because I know that you wouldn’t have risked hurting me for anything less, and you wouldn’t have been so ready to kick my ass that day. Likewise, I don’t want to hurt you either. I want you to be happy. We had some good times as kids, but you had it rough and you worked so hard to find your happy place, and if it’s with the first man I ever loved then so be it, because it appears that maybe he was the first one you ever loved, too.
I don’t know if we can ever be friends again. I can’t lie and say I’ll get over it, because I don’t know if I’ll ever stop feeling bitter about it. But I hope you are happy, and I hope Leo is happy, and I hope that I will be happy soon as well.
Leslie
I sat on the edge of the bed with the letter in my hands and wiped at a few tears. I knew our friendship had been over for some time, but to see confirmation of it still stung. Deep down, I had harbored some hope that Leslie and I would reconnect, work through it, and reform a newer, better friendship, but obviously I had both written and read too many happy endings and my expectations had been too high.
I heard the front door open and slam and then Leo’s quick footsteps.
“I forgot my phone,” he grumbled as he hurried past the open bedroom door toward the office. Seconds later, he was hurrying past again, calling out “Ti amo , dolcezza.”
I heard his feet falter, and then retreat. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him standing in the doorway.
“What’s wrong?”
In response, I held up the letter. Hesitantly, he walked in and took the letter from my hands. As he read, I stared out of the French doors. All of the bedrooms had a view of the beach and the pool, but only the master bedroom had the doors to access them. I was still getting accustomed to the simplistic beauty of the house and its location. I couldn’t have chosen a better home, and I sometimes wondered if Leo had me in mind when he bought the place.
He sat down on the bed beside me, tossing the letter to the center of the bed. He draped an arm across my shoulders and kissed my temple as he pulled me close to him.
“I’m sorry, baby,” he said softly. “This has been your worst fear all along.”
“My worst fear was that she would hate me,” I amended sadly. “But this is a very close second place.”
“Do you want me to talk to her?”
Snuggling up to him, resting my head on his chest, and inhaling his calming scent, I said, “No. I don’t think that will help matters any. She has every right to feel the way she does.”
“I told her everything, you know,” Leo said after a
moment of silence. “I told her about the first time I realized I liked you, and I told her the truth about why I started dating her to begin with. I confessed about kissing you when you were upset and everything after that. I went into great detail about my feelings for you, so that I would leave no doubt in her mind. Maybe I shouldn’t have done all of that.”
“Not that I would want it all rubbed in her face, but she probably needed to know,” I said. “We kept so much from her for so long. It’s probably not just that we’re together that is hurting her, but how much she never even knew. This hurts,” I admitted. Then reluctantly added, “But I feel like a heavy weight has been taken off of me now that she knows everything and has responded to it. Not knowing what she would do or say was terrible and crippling in some ways.” I sighed and sat up straight. “You don’t have time for this. You have to go, you have things to do, Pesciano.”
Leo pulled me close again and tilted my chin up so that his sea-colored eyes could look into mine.
“I will always have time for you, amore mio. The rest of the world could fall to pieces for all I care. If you need me, you come first.”
“You have such a perty mouth when you say perty words.” I smiled.
“Not as perty as your mouth is.” He grinned wickedly before kissing me gently. He rubbed his nose with mine. “I love you.”
It wasn’t a new sentiment, but I still got a thrill every time Leo told me he loved me.
“I love you, too.” I kissed him quickly and he released me and stood up. “Oh!” I said suddenly as a thought came to mind. “When was the first time you realized you liked me?” I asked. “You once said you knew you loved me after reading my notebook. Is that when you first had any attraction to me?”
Leo smiled fondly as he squatted in front of me and put his hands on my outer thighs. “That’s when I realized I loved you, but it’s not when I first became attracted to you. That happened in like seventh grade.”
“We didn’t go to school together in seventh grade. You were still a Catholic school brat.”
