by Linde, K. A.
Hollin popped his head back inside. “Hey, how are you holding up?”
I shrugged. “It’s been a rough week.”
“You and Jennifer?”
I shook my head. “She hasn’t returned any of my calls or texts.”
“Bummer.”
“Yeah, I guess I earned it.”
“You think?” Hollin asked, flopping back into the seat and kicking his boots up onto my desk. “What makes you say that?”
“I went to Ashleigh about the distribution issue and hid it from…everyone.”
Hollin whistled. “Well, fuck.”
“She was going to fix it, too. You were probably right that I could have gotten it.”
“Damn. But you’d have sacrificed your dignity in the meantime. And Jennifer, who we all know you’re head over heels for.”
“I am,” I agreed with a sigh.
“And anyway, you know Ashleigh sabotaged the deal in the first place to make you come to her. Isn’t that her MO?”
“Yeah. She didn’t admit to that, but yeah, I got so caught up that I didn’t see it.”
“That’s why you need to come to me, bro.” Hollin patted his chest with his tatted arm and grinned. “I’ll keep you on the straight and narrow.”
I laughed. “Why do I feel like straight and narrow doesn’t mean the same thing to you as it does to me?”
“Eh,” he said with a shrug. “So, how are you going to win Jennifer back? I have some big ideas.”
“Oh God, do I even want to know?”
Hollin grinned wolfishly. “It’ll make a splash at least.”
“Nah, I think I’ll give her some time. We have to work together still, especially since we got the contract for Morgan and Patrick’s wedding.”
“For reals?” he asked. “They’re getting married here?”
“Yeah. Nora had them sign the paperwork. A Wright wedding with the Wright CEO at a Wright Vineyard.”
“Y’all are fucking obsessed with your name. It’s a little weird.”
I snorted at him. “Says the guy who insisted we use it.”
“Yeah, because we need money, and people associate y’all with money. But we’re serving Abbey wine because I know what I’m fucking doing.”
“So true,” I said with a shake of my head. “But if she doesn’t return my messages by this weekend, I’ll go to her place, try to grovel.”
“Good idea. Buy flowers. Girls love that shit.”
“How would you even know with a three-date rule?”
He scoffed. “I told you, that’s not what it fucking is.”
I chuckled, and it felt good to laugh a little with Hollin. That the world wasn’t ending even though this weekend had been shit. I needed to figure out how to approach Jennifer. I couldn’t—wouldn’t—let her go.
Hollin’s phone rang noisily in the office. “It’s my dad.” He answered, “Sup?” Then he straightened up, dropping his boots to the ground. “What happened? Yeah, I’m with Julian now. Let me put you on speaker.”
I glanced at him as he put the phone down on my desk on speakerphone.
“Hey, Julian. It’s Uncle Gregg.”
“What’s going on?”
“I just got off the phone with your aunt Lori. She’s with your mom, and she had a fall. She passed out, and they took her by ambulance to the hospital.”
“What?” I gasped, jumping to my feet.
“I wanted to let you know. If you and Hollin want to get to the hospital, we’ll meet you there,” he said. “I’m going to call your brother next.”
“I’ll be there.”
He told us the hospital, and then Hollin and I raced for the parking lot. We hopped in his truck and peeled out. I shot off a text to Alejandra to let her know why we’d left. Gregg was contacting Jordan, so all I had to do was worry as we drove across town to the hospital.
My mom had looked fragile for weeks. I had assumed it was the chemo. That she was going to recover like normal. I’d been so embroiled in my own issues that I hadn’t had time for her like I had the last time we did this. Then we’d told her about Dad. Fuck, of course she was going to take it hard. She’d put on a show for me and Jor.
Hollin didn’t try to reassure me on the way. He knew what could happen. What I had to lose.
So, he parked in the visitor lot, and we dashed inside. We met Jordan in the lobby. He’d been a lot closer, working at Wright Construction downtown.
“You made it,” Jordan said with relief.
“Have you heard anything?” I asked.
“Just got here. Guess we’ll find out together.” Jordan looked grim. “I texted Annie to see if she’d meet us. I’d feel better, having her assessment.”
We passed through the double doors and then found Mom’s room. The door was slightly ajar when we knocked. Aunt Lori opened the door with a sad smile.
“Hey, guys,” she said, brushing back her short bleached-blonde hair.
“How’s she doing?” I asked.
“She’s stable, but they’re monitoring her. Why don’t you go in and see her?”
I pushed past her without a second thought and found my mom lying in a bed, hooked up to beeping equipment, and looking as thin and rundown as I’d ever seen her.
“Mom.”
“Julian,” she said with a smile. “Did Lori worry you enough to come by?”
Jordan appeared in the door, too.
“Both of my boys.”
“Hey, Mom. How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine,” she said. She even laughed. “It’s all a big misunderstanding.”
“A misunderstanding? You passed out and came to in a hospital.”
“Lori overreacted. I don’t need to be in here.”
I frowned, and Jordan exchanged a look with me. I didn’t believe her. She didn’t look fine. She looked worse than when we’d seen her on Sunday. That was only a couple days ago, and she’d taken a downturn.
“Is this because of Dad?” I asked the question I hadn’t wanted to.
“What? No. Your father is…no longer my concern.”
“He said he was trying to reconcile with you.”
She laughed. “Is that what he said? What a fiction. No, he apologized and asked me about the cancer. He was polite but nothing more. It’s clear he’s moved on. And you know what? I finally have, too.”
Jordan and I both looked at her in shock. Our mom had loved our dad far longer than she should have. She had loved him still, even when she divorced him and moved away and started a new life. To have moved on was a huge thing for her.
“I still love him, but I’m not in love with him,” she said to our shocked faces. “It’s for the better. Maybe I can start dating again.”
I groaned, and Jordan looked green.
“Not to interrupt,” Annie said, entering, “but that sounds like a good idea to me.”
“Oh, Annie,” Mom said. She was beaming. She loved Annie. “Jordan didn’t pull you from the ER, did he?”
“He did, but that’s okay.”
“Are you going to let me out of here?”
Annie pulled her chart up on an iPad and laughed. “I think we’ll listen to whatever the oncologist said. It looks like your vitals are still not where he wants them to be. He said to keep you overnight.”
“I know. But I don’t think it’s necessary.”
Annie smiled a careful, doctoral smile. “Well, the doctor says it’s necessary. So, here we are.”
My mom rolled her eyes. “All right. Fine. I’m here already. What’s one night?”
Annie kissed Jordan. “I should really get back though. They’re going to need me the minute they realize I’m gone.”
“Okay, babe. Love you.”
“Love you, too,” she said and then headed out the door.
“I’ll be right back,” I said, dashing after Annie. “Hey, Annie!”
She sighed and turned to face me. “How can I help you, Julian?”
I ran a hand back through my hair
. “Could you…tell Jennifer about this?”
She furrowed her brow. “Is your phone still not operational?”
“No. It works. She just won’t respond to me.”
“And you don’t deserve that?”
I winced. “Uh, I do, but I just…I want her to know. I’m not asking for more…yet.”
“You Wright men,” she said with a huff.
“Please, Annie. I fucked up, but I want to fix things. You of all people should understand.”
She wavered for a second and then nodded. “Fine, Julian. But she doesn’t owe you anything.”
“Of course.”
She got out her phone and texted. “There.”
“Thanks, Annie.”
She shook her head. A small smile came to her lips. “Good luck.”
Then she disappeared. And I needed every ounce of that luck if I was going to fix this with Jen.
41
Jennifer
“Hi, I’m here to see Helena Wright,” I said to the nurses’ desk. “Can I be buzzed through?”
“Sure thing, honey,” the nurse said.
The buzzer went off, and I yanked the door open.
“Thanks,” I threw out as I rushed forward.
Annie’s text had sent me into a frenzy. I hadn’t been responding to Julian’s messages. I wanted to, but I needed to decide what I was going to do about it all. He’d said he was sorry and that he wanted to fix things. But saying those things were not actions. And I didn’t know how to reconcile what he’d done with what I wanted from him. Not to mention, plucking up the courage that Chester’d had with our mom.
Anxiety was a part of who I was. It wasn’t who I was, but it was a defining point of my person. Did I risk Julian seeing me differently by divulging that? Did I risk everything by being my real self?
All I knew was that when I’d found out his mom was in the hospital, I had to get to him. I had to get to him right now. I was mad at him, but I wasn’t callous.
I stopped in front of the door for Helena’s room. My hand rose, but I didn’t knock. I was half-worried that I would be interrupting and half-worried that I would have no idea what to say. Welcome back, anxiety.
I took a deep breath and then knocked.
“Come in!” a voice called.
I turned the knob and found myself face-to-face with a room full of people. Julian and Jordan sat at their mom’s bedside with Hollin and Nora also there along with their dad and aunt. I’d met them all at some point, but I was blanking on their names. Mostly because I was now accosted with the sight of everyone staring at me.
“Hey,” I said with a small wave. “I just, uh, came to check on you.”
“Jennifer, I’m glad you’re here,” Helena said with a smile.
“Are you…are you doing all right?”
“Fine,” she said, staring at her sons. “They’re keeping me overnight, but I’m fine.”
“That’s such a relief. I’m glad to hear that. I was worried.”
Julian shot to his feet. “Can we talk?”
I eyed the room. Everyone tried to look anywhere but at me. I swallowed. Eesh. Then I nodded, backing out of the room.
I heard his mom and Hollin make fun of him from the open door and almost smiled a little at it. Clearly, everyone knew what was going on with us.
“Hey.” Julian pulled the door closed behind him, silencing the spatter of laughter. “Sorry about all of this. I’m glad that you came.”
“I wanted to make sure she was okay. And you too.”
He grinned. “I appreciate it. My mom does, too.”
“You could have texted yourself.”
“I wasn’t sure you were taking my texts.”
“And whose fault is that?” I snapped.
He clenched his jaw and nodded. “Mine. A hundred percent. All my fault.”
I sagged at those words. “No, it’s mine, too.”
“Not at all, Jennifer. I fucked this up. I hid the stuff with Ashleigh. I’m sorry I went to her at all. I’m sorry that I asked about your pills. I don’t deserve you even being here.”
“Well, those things were pretty bad.”
He laughed softly. “Yeah. I’m an idiot.” He gestured down the hall. “There’s a waiting room with chairs and a vending machine if you want.”
I nodded and walked side by side with him down the hallway and to the nice waiting room. It was thankfully empty. Julian paid for two waters and passed one to me. I was glad to have something to do with my hands.
He took a good sip and then sank into the couch next to me. “I want to apologize. Again.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s really not okay. I just…I had all this pressure on my shoulders. I thought I had to make the impossible happen. That everyone would think less of me for not doing it all. I was wrong. No one cared, but I learned that only after failing. And I told Ashleigh that if I had to work with her to get this, then it wasn’t worth it. I think—hope—that she finally got the picture. I won’t entertain any of her bullshit anymore.”
“That must have been hard.”
“It wasn’t,” he said easily. “You know, I was still harboring this deep wound from Ashleigh. I kept letting her dig back under my skin. There was a hole where she’d hurt me. But then you happened.”
“Me?” I whispered.
“You. I realized that the two years with Ashleigh was nothing. They were a lie. Nothing could ever compare to what I have with you.”
“Julian…”
He laughed softly. “I know. Too much, too fast, right?”
“It’s everything I ever wanted to hear,” I admitted. “I wanted this so bad that I deluded myself into thinking you wanted it, too.”
“I do! I do want this. I want you.”
“But I wasn’t honest with you either.”
He furrowed his brow. “What do you mean?”
I took a deep breath. I could do this. I could get all of this out. I was making this decision, and it was the right one. No matter what his reaction.
“I have an anxiety disorder,” I told him. “It’s relatively severe, and I’ve been medicated daily since high school. I also have severe social anxiety, and I get debilitating panic attacks. So, I have emergency Xanax as well as a sleeping pill to help with the anxiety-induced insomnia.”
Julian didn’t even blink. He met my gaze evenly. “Okay.”
“Okay? That’s it?”
“Well, I mean, I thought you were just shy. I’ve always thought you were shy, especially in crowds.”
“I am,” I said with a shrug. “I am shy, but a lot of it is a medical issue that I’ve been dealing with my entire life. I’ve been in therapy for almost as long. It’s why I’m pretty good at breaking down other people’s problems and finding a solution. Not that I’m great at that with my own problems.”
“This all makes perfect sense.”
I flinched. “It does?”
“Yes, I think it explains a lot of your behavior. I thought you just…didn’t want to be with me. That you weren’t as into me as I was into you. But in reality, you were dealing with this mental illness all on your own.”
“I…I was,” I said. He’d articulated it so clearly.
Julian sat for a minute in contemplation before asking softly, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I hung my head. The question I’d been dreading.
“Not that you were obligated to,” he said quickly. “It’s your mental health. I want you to feel the best about what you’re going through. I just…I don’t know why or even how you were able to keep it from me.”
“Well,” I began, swallowing hard, “I didn’t know how you’d react.”
“React?” He honestly looked confused.
I took a deep breath and let it out carefully. “My last real boyfriend found out about it. This was a couple years ago. And he…he called me crazy.”
Julian winced. “Fuck.”
“Yeah. He said I was crazy, and that was why
he didn’t want to be with me. It ended poorly. Not to mention, my mom has always kind of ingrained in me that I should keep this to myself. But I’m tired of hiding this big part of myself.”
“Jen,” Julian said, cautiously taking my hand, “I would never judge you for this. Anxiety is a real illness. And I’m so sorry that anyone made you feel like you were less for having it.”
Tears rushed to my eyes. The words I’d always wanted to hear and feared I never would.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
He leaned forward, cupping my jaw in his hands, and kissed me tenderly. “You’re a gem, a revelation. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. This changes absolutely nothing with me. It only makes me see the perfectly wonderful, vibrant woman that I’m in love with more clearly.”
I gasped against his mouth, my eyes shooting open. “Love?”
“Yes. Jennifer, I love you.”
My throat closed up, and I thought I was really going to start crying now. “Julian, oh my God,” I whispered. I rested my forehead against his. “I love you, too.”
“God, it’s good to hear that.”
I laughed through my tears. “It really is.”
“And again, I’m sorry. I won’t repeat the mistakes I did to upset you. I want to work to be the man who deserves you.”
“You already are.” I kissed him again. “You already are.”
He pulled me into his arms and kissed me long and deep. “God, I thought I’d lost you.”
“I know. I thought so, too. But I never wanted this to happen.”
“Me neither.” He kissed me again before pulling me to my feet and lacing our fingers together. “You’re mine.”
“All yours.”
“That’s what I like to hear.”
So, I kissed him again, glad that I’d found the power of my own truth. The power of being exactly who I was and having a man who loved me for that person and nothing else.
