by Sarah Holman
“Is that a courtship rule?”
“Me waiting for him to say I love you?”
“Yeah.”
Logan smiled and closed her eyes. “I don’t think so. I know it is harder for guys to say it and so I want him to start, and I respond. And you do know we don’t really have a rule book, right?”
Kate smiled. “When did you know you loved him? I don’t mean when you started loving him, but when you first knew you loved him.”
Logan sat up next to her and mimicked Kate’s pose. “I don’t think there is a moment that I can say ‘this is the moment I fell for Kevin’ because it wasn’t emotional avalanche or a lustful longing. If I had to pick one moment, it was when he sat across from my parents and defended my career choice and then went to play checkers with my little sister.”
If anyone else had said it, Kate would have thought it very unromantic, but she knew Logan. She knew that her parents not supporting her had been hard and Kevin’s support had been a huge blessing to her.
“It could also be the stroll we took right before we came here along the River Walk, talking about the events in the news and sharing the same thoughts on it. In the middle of it, he just smiled and told me I look beautiful.”
“Sounds romantic.”
Logan laid her head on her knees and smiled over at Kate. “I think I’m winning you over. When Kevin and I first started courting, you wouldn’t have seen that as very romantic.”
One corner of Kate’s mouth tipped upward and she stared into her tea.
“Oh my.”
Kate lifted her gaze and saw Logan was now sitting on her knees. “What?”
“I thought you were asking about me, but you weren’t curious about Kevin and me, you…you think you might be falling for someone.”
Kate stood and walked toward the window and stared out. Her heart hammered against her chest.
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Logan said, coming to stand behind her.
She crossed her arms. She wasn’t ready to have this conversation, was she?
“Actually, I’m surprised it’s taken you this long to see you and Patrick are perfect for each other.”
Kate spun toward her.
“What? It isn’t like you’ve fallen for Thomas, is it?” Logan let out a laugh.
Kate focused on breathing normally and not getting upset. Of course Logan would figure it out. Maybe the whole team knew she cared for Patrick before she had figured it out.
Logan pressed her lips together and took a step back. “No, tell me you don’t…you’re not…not Thomas!”
She had to chuckle at the idea. “No, you were right. It’s just, like you said, not easy to talk about. And Patrick is my friend.”
“A lot of the very best marriages have started out with couples being friends and then realizing one day that they are more than friends. They date or court and then they get married.”
Kate swallowed.
“Sorry, it might be too early to mention the M word. All I’m saying, friends is a great place to start.”
“Unless he doesn’t like me as more than a friend.”
“Yeah.” Logan sighed, her gaze drifting toward the snowy scene outside the window. “Guys are slow to figure that stuff out.”
“And girls are quick to conjure up emotion.” Kate pushed the hair from her face, wondering if she should cut it all off.
Logan gripped Kate’s shoulders. “Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t blow off what you’re feeling just because you’re a girl. Do we tend to feel things quicker than guys? Yes. Do sometimes our hormones have something to do with the intensity? Sure. But don’t smash such tender feelings with lies that they’re just because of that. They are precious.”
Kate closed her eyes. Her emotions overwhelmed her. “You and I talked about not allowing our emotions to run wild, about girls falling in and out of love.”
“Well, it’s nice to know you’re listening when I talk. I wasn’t even trying to say that you need to do anything about the feelings. I never believed that you should feel guilty or shame yourself for having feelings in the first place.”
“But I can’t deal with this. I can’t have these feelings. Patrick and I are friends and I won’t mess that friendship up. I won’t!” She chewed on her lip.
Logan clasped Kate’s hands and led her back to the bed, where they sat down. “Just because you love him doesn’t mean that you’ll ruin the friendship.”
Unshed tears stung Kate’s eyes and her fingertips shook as they rested in Logan’s steady palms. “What if he doesn’t love me back?” Her voice sounded strangled to her. “What if I do mess up the friendship? How can I go on without him as a friend?”
“The same way we’ve both done it before when a guy we like leaves our lives: you cry some, you talk to God, and then you trust He has something better for you.”
Kate glanced at Logan and pressed her lips together.
Logan let go of her hands and shifted so she was even closer to her. “Kate?”
She pressed her eyes closed, but she was sure it was too late. Logan had seen it all spelled out in her eyes already.
“Oh Kate, this is the first time?”
Kate threw a pillow to the floor, holding back the yell she wanted to give. “I know! It’s stupid! A girl of my age never having fallen for a guy before. I thought something was wrong with me. I thought some boys were cute, but I was never seriously interested in any of them. I was never around ones that seemed nice long enough to… I probably sound so stupid.” She pressed her face into her pillow, wishing someone would call for Logan so she could be alone.
“I don’t think you’re stupid at all. I often wished that I could kill all my feelings toward other guys until the right one.”
“Is it supposed to hurt like this?” Kate dropped onto her back, the tears sliding to the side. “I thought love was supposed to make you feel giddy and light. Is it supposed to hurt?”
When she looked over at Logan, Logan had tears flowing down her cheeks. “You really do love him. It’s easy to have a bubbly kind of feeling for falling in love. You have the deepest kind. The deepest kind hurts because it wants what is good, right, and best for the other person. It isn’t a selfish love.”
“You’re going to make me cry!” Kate flipped onto her side and turned her back toward Logan.
“Kate, you’re already crying.”
A sob caught in Kate’s throat as she dived for the pillow, then threw it at Logan.
Logan smiled and put the pillow in her lap. “I don’t know who told you tears were not okay, but they are a gift. I don’t think there is anything as painful as having feelings all pent up inside of you but choosing to keep them closed off for the sake of another person.”
Her body shook, she tried to take deep breaths and stop it, but a sob escaped. “I can’t ruin the friendship, Logan,” she choked out between sobs. “He’s my friend. I can’t allow my feelings to ruin that friendship.”
Logan lay down next to her and wrapped her arms around her. “I know, Kate. I know.”
Kate allowed herself to cry as Logan brushed her hair from her face and whispered encouraging words. She sobbed for a few minutes, her heart seeming to be split in two. Finally, they stopped and she looked over to Logan. “This is a little awkward.”
She smiled. “I forget, you didn’t grow up with sisters and an affectionate family.”
Kate laughed, glad for something to release the tension. “Did you watch my family? My dad hasn’t seen me in a year and he shakes my hand.”
They giggled.
“For the record,” Logan said, “I’m happy to be here.”
“Sure, and missing your family’s Christmas was totally worth spending it with a military family and listening to an almost twenty-four-year-old weep about boy troubles.”
Logan sat up. “I miss my family, but I wouldn’t trade being here for anything. I got to help some restoration take place. How many people get to say that on Christmas? Besi
des, I’m glad I could play the part of your sister.”
Kate sat up and bumped her shoulder against Logan. “Can I officially adopt you?”
“I’m legally obligated to tell you that could be dangerous. Sisters are notoriously nosy and want to know everything.”
“I think I can handle that.”
“Really? You couldn’t handle it six months ago in Charleston.”
Perhaps it was the tension that still needed the outlet, or perhaps it was the sisterly camaraderie that had formed between them. But Kate reached out and started tickling Logan.
Logan laughed and started hitting Kate’s head with a pillow.
And a Happy New Year
Friday, December 30 9:30AM
“Here’s the reports.” Patrick dropped the files on Thomas’s desk. “I know they aren’t complete. Kim is going to finish most of them, but…”
Thomas waved his hand. “Go. Get on that plane. I’ll see you next year.”
“I always loved doing that,” Brian said, walking in the door. He picked up a red ball and tossed it to Logan. “It’s going to be a great day.”
“That it is,” Logan said, placing the ball back into the bowl.
“What do you love doing?”
Brian’s boyish grin appeared. “Looking at all my friends on New Year’s Eve and telling them ‘I’ll see you next year.’”
Thomas rolled his eyes. “Such juvenile jesting.”
“Jesting? Sometimes I wonder if you are from our century, Mr. President.”
“You’re just jealous of my vocabulary.” Thomas adjusted his bowler hat.
“Or Brian is jealous of your hats,” Patrick interjected as he entered the hallway. He was looking forward to seeing his family. He had his suitcase in the car, packed with his things and the gifts for them.
Someone ran into him.
“I’m sorry.”
He smiled. “Don’t worry.”
Color bloomed in Kate’s face. “I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
“Me either.” Patrick tried to catch Kate’s gaze but her eyes were roving and that color was still in her cheeks. She must not have believed him when he said that it was not a big deal. “I don’t know if you heard, but the Okes’ church has had someone with the family twenty-four hours a day and provided a Christmas for them. The whole community is talking about it. The whole church showed up at Calvin’s funeral and arranged things so the media and victims didn’t get a whiff of it, so it was peaceful.”
She finally met his eyes. “I did hear. It’s good to know that there are churches that do the right thing.”
“Yeah. I wish every family had that.”
Her eyes went back to roving about.
“Everything okay?” Patrick wasn’t sure what was going on, but something was bothering her.
She met his eyes. “Sure, just a lot to process.”
“You know that I’m here for you?”
“Yes, I do.” Her smile was soft.
He tried to figure out what was capturing her attention in the hall but when he saw nothing, he returned his gaze to her. “Well, I’m off to the airport.”
She stepped out of his way. “Have a good time with your family.” Her smile was bright but there was something in her eyes. Or perhaps there was the lack of something.
“I will. See you next year.”
She waved and turned toward the office.
Patrick walked toward his car. He thought over the whole thing again and then shook himself. Time to turn his focus toward home, his family, and having a belated Christmas with them.
“Did you have a good time with your family?” Kim asked, lifting her gaze from her paperwork.
Kate took a deep breath. She had to deal with this head-on. “I know you are angry at me.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are.”
Kim looked up. “Kathrine, have you ever known me to say things I don’t mean?”
She folded her hands behind her back. She was not going to back down. “I think you’re not being honest with yourself.”
Kim slammed a file closed. “Are you a psychologist now?”
Kate pulled a chair and sat next to Kim. “It doesn’t take one to understand what’s going on with you.”
Kim stood. “I don’t need you to—”
“Yes, you do.” Kate came to her feet as well. “Everyone in this office respects you and relies on you. They know that you are rarely wrong. You’re a good agent, a good friend, but you have a hard time admitting it when you’re completely off base. If none of them are willing to tell you, then as your friend, the job falls to me.”
She pushed past Kate. “I need to deliver this upstairs.”
Kate fell into step beside her. “Didn’t you tell me about needing to forgive? About not letting bitterness take hold? Have you examined the wound that your parents’ rejection caused? I think it’s festering.”
Kim spun and stared at Kate. Her nostrils flared, color was in her cheeks, but her lips remained tightly pressed together.
“You obviously don’t want to hear it, but I spent a lot of time praying about it. I felt I had to speak.”
Pivoting away, Kim walked away rapidly.
Kate sighed. She would have to keep praying for Kim and for wisdom about what to do about Patrick. She looked down the hall where she had run into him. She hoped he hadn’t seen her silly blush and frustration as a result of the accidental collision.
Her gaze snagged on Brian standing in the hallway. Had he come to lecture her?
“She’ll come around.”
Kate sighed again. “I don’t know about that.”
“Hey, wipe that frown away. This is the season to remember our ultimate hope.”
Kate closed her eyes and nodded. “You’re right. Merry Christmas, Brian.”
“A little late, but I guess I can go with it,” Brian said with a grin. “Merry Christmas, Kate.”
A Note from the Author
In April of 2018, I walked into a young adults group. I had been invited by a girl I had gone to church with a few years before. I was pretty nervous to go. I’m an introverted person and because of some of the things I had been through, I wasn’t sure I wanted to build any new friendships. However, I knew that people are important to God and I knew I would be glad to see Katherine again if nothing else.
The pastor opened that instead of their normal lesson, he wanted to take some time for everyone to process what had happened that week. You see, there had been a bomber that had been causing terror in the Austin area. After he had been caught, more shock waves rippled through the community. The guy had come from a good home, raised by a homeschool Christian family, and then had done this.
Many of the people in the room knew the family. Some had even met the young man who had become the bomber. All of us knew people who had worked and lived in Austin. We had been afraid they would be next. There were many bewildered looks, a few tears, and a lot of raw honesty in that room. We were having a hard time processing it, and at least one person pointed out that if we thought we were having a hard time, what must the family be going through.
One of the hardest things to deal with in life is trauma that comes from a corner that is supposed to be safe. Whether it is any kind of abuse, false accusations, or betrayal, when it comes from people we should be able to trust like family or close friends, it is even harder to cope with. While some trauma is more intense than others, when you find you can’t trust someone you should have been able to, it changes your world.
Jesus Himself had a close friend whom He should have been able to trust turn Him over to be killed. He can sympathize with the pain that we experience when those close to us betray us. Yet, Jesus died and rose in victory so that we might have life and have it abundantly, despite any pain or trauma we have been through. Hallelujah!
The first Christmas would not have made a great feel-good film. Teen girl tells her parents and fiancé that she is pregn
ant, a declaration that could get her stoned. Her fiancé, wanting to be nice, says they can call everything off quietly (showing he didn’t immediately believe her story about the angel). He did end up marrying her after God affirmed Mary’s story and then took her from her home because of a government order. Far from everyone she knew, she gave birth to Jesus. If that wasn’t enough, they had to flee to Egypt because of a crazy king and live in a foreign land for a few years.
I personally have taken great comfort that Jesus is able to sympathize with me. I also am so grateful that God does not change. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. People can, and will, fail us, but Jesus will never change and will always be there for us. Things might not always be merry, but we always have hope.
Sarah Holman
Acknowledgments
As always, I’ll probably forget some important people.
To my family: Wow, where do I begin or end? Thank you for every time you gave up having time with me so I could write. Thank you for your support every step of the way. I couldn’t have made it without your support, the meals you made, and your encouraging words.
Mom, you deserve special recognition. I was stressed so often, trying to juggle work, family, and my writing. You never grew weary of listening to me and helping me to regain focus. Thank you.
To all the members of the Adventurers Facebook group. I can’t tell you how much it meant to have each of you cheering for me and giving feedback.
Thank you to Perry for making time in your busy schedule to make the cover for this book. You’re the best!
Kelsey, thank you for faithfully editing everything I send your way. You don’t get paid enough for all the typos in my books.
Thank you also to Judith, Kelsey, and Jessica, who have walked with me through so many girl moments over the last couple of years. Words can’t express how much y’all mean to me.
Lastly, praise to my Heavenly Father. I know You are writing each page of my life story. I pray I write only what is acceptable and pleasing to You.
